Tag: Forgiveness

God is good all the time!

 GOD > Time > Right Now

I have this automatic tendency to dislike the concept of Time. Whenever I think of time, I either think about how much I dislike waiting or I worry about all the tasks I need to complete by a particular deadline. The former is probably the worst of the two because it’s often something I can’t control. To put it simply, when I want something or know something, I’d very much prefer to have/know it now instead of later.  This sort of impatience transcends throughout my life and I often find myself asking questions like, Why won’t God just tell me where to go? What is He calling me to do now?When will I find “the one”? Why haven’t I graduated school yet? When will I find a new job? Why hasn’t this person replied to my phone call, email, or text yet? God, why is everything taking so long? While I want everything instantly, I’ve learnt very slowly (how ironic) to find gladness in waiting. I say this now because I’ve experienced first-hand that God uses time to help the heart heal and grow fond of love and forgiveness.

To put it in perspective, recently a close friend of mine apologized for things they had done to hurt me, that ultimately hurt our friendship. It may not seem like a big deal for some, but I had purposely chose to stop initiating conversation with my friend without telling them. I avoided going on Skype, our main means of conversation, at all costs because I needed time be free from the hurt they had (unintentionally) caused me, but not in a way that completely limited them from speaking to me. I even thought to myself that if they really needed to speak to me, they could message me on Facebook or text/call me. But they didn’t do so for eight months until they sent me that long apology.

In this apology, my friend touched upon every single hurt and more. And it was very evident to me that they were truly sorry for it all. If my friend were to apologize to me sooner than they did, I wonder if I would have been strong enough to accept it and I also wonder if I would have been able to believe them. Although I was always ready to forgive them in the past, moving on was always the hardest part for me because I never knew when exactly I’d completely be over whatever it was that they did.

In the past eight months of not speaking to my friend, I was almost forced to depend on others, especially God. In this time, I grew self-confident in who I was and my abilities and capabilities because the more I focused on God, the more I was able to see my true self. Choosing to walk away from this friendship was tough because it was the first time I had ever done something like this; I even cried once in the process haha. But the amount of growth I’ve experienced and the lessons I’ve learnt were worth it because my relationship with God grew so much.

When my friend apologized to me, I turned to God right away and discerned if I should even reply. I spent 12 hours in discernment and God showed me through Scripture, old blog posts I had written in the past 8 months, and podcasts from words from Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI that I was ready. So I talked to my friend, forgave them, went through the necessary hurts these past few weeks, and today I still consider them as one of my best friends.

I know our friendship will never be the same and my expectations of them will never be the same, but in great sincerity and confidence I say, “praise God!” Confusing emotions and misguided words no longer exist in our friendship. We are great friends — nothing more — and that’s all I could ask for. I’m thankful to have my friend back into my life because as I witness their growth, perseverance, and joy, an additional beam of light is brought into my life. I’m blessed to have them be a part of my life again, and I’m blessed to be a part of theirs.

Time is a beautiful gift from God that I often misuse and abuse when I’m lazy, but when I use it with the intent of wanting to grow and wanting to give glory to God, then time is used at its full. I was so impatient about everything but I’ve learnt to be “compelled to be patient”, especially when it comes to wanting to know answers to life’s biggest questions.

Patience was my least favourite virtue because I thought it was just about waiting tirelessly, but I see now that being patient is about believing that God is always on time. Furthermore, being patient is about living moment by moment and enjoying it because God is present. He is present in times of joy, suffering, trial, doubt, and He is present in the moving on stages, where things seem the most uncertain. He never abandons those He loves. If I am hurting, I know I will be healed when God says so. If I’m doubting, I know I will be given faith when God says so. If I’m experiencing anything negative, God will always respond with goodness and love in His perfect time, whether that is right away or not.

Today I see that having the time to heal is greater than wanting to be healed right away because wounds don’t heal over a day. Sure scabs and such form over it, but deep wounds and cuts only heal over long periods of time, and then they develop scars. But eventually those scars fade with more time that the wound is only a memory in the mind, and not even a graze over the heart. In all of this talk about time being the healer of wounds, I believe more earnestly that God is the ultimate healer as He is not limited by time. So when I say having time to heal is greater than being “healed” right away, I also say that having God is much greater than this because He is the Maker of time. All events are created and respond to His voice.

God is good all the time. And all the time, God is greater. 🙂
Amen.

Trinity Run

Winter is fast approaching, and I can already feel my body starting to switch over to hibernation mode. Soon enough it’ll be too hard to get up out of bed, nearly impossible to escape out of those double duvets. Tis the season for excusing our way out of health habits.

I used to run regularly to maintain some sort of physical activity but that died down since who knows when. Spring is always difficult to face after long winters because of the three month break. I personally loathe treadmills and will refuse to get on one. I’d rather wait. I much rather prefer the great outdoors, but Toronto winter weather does very little to help with that. Daylight savings mean shorter days and longer nights. It takes approximately two weeks to adjust. My body is definitely losing on this front.

Our spiritual health suffers from the same changes. We have cycles where we’re going  strong- we’ve found some sort of groove with our prayer time and involvement with the sacraments. At these moments, our relationship with Christ is toned and trimmed. Excess weight cut off. The closer we get to Christ the less baggage we carry- our material and worldly desires no longer necessary. We are tied down to less.

But then, at some point, we face an itch of sorts. An itch that just needs to be scratched. A craving that just needs to be satisfied. A thirst that needs to be quenched. But instead of reaching for the healthy & obvious choice of water we go for the Coke. Pepsi. Ginger Ale. Root Beer.  And just like that, our impenetrable fortress comes crashing down. Why? Because we foolishly ignored that cracked wooden frame that started to break- little by little. It was easier to feign ignorance to something that needed fixing. It’s easier to give in and let our human needs win.

“I’m only doing it once.” I still exercise anyway. Cheating won’t hurt.” 

That’s what I realize happened to me. And for some reason or another, I kept making excuses and reasoned my way out of a very fruitful, beautiful prayer habit. It only took one small “set back”. I cut down my prayer time, my weekday church dates, and adoration drop ins so that I could bulk up on old habits which I knew were only going to get me in worse (spiritual) shape.

Negative thoughts filled my head. I became impatient, moody, and lethargic. Two weeks passed since my last confession, and although I knew I needed it PRONTO …my body would magically (temporarily) shake off the anxiety. It made me think I could keep going. Nyeh, it can wait.

Nope.

Confession is our detox. Our body needs to get rid of built up toxins the same way our soul needs to get rid of impurities. Getting through it is tough, but we always come out healthier afterwards. Praise God, for God because I finally went for that detox round. He knew I needed it. And I knew I needed it. The hardest step is always the first, the hardest run is always the most dreadful.

Our prayer life can be a long outstretched summer. However if we trip and fall into the darkness of winter, we shouldn’t despair. We don’t have to endure three months of waiting. We can choose to fast forward to spring.  My winter lasted 8 days too long, but today’s TRINITY RUN (adoration, confession and Holy Eucharist) allowed me to see the Son rise gloriously. Thankfully, our salvation and redemption is not bound by time, because we are loved by a God whose love is endless and timeless. 

 “A clean heart is a free heart. A free heart can love Christ with an undivided love in chastity, convinced that nothing and nobody will separate it from His love.”
-Blessed Teresa of Calcutta

Ready & Willing

“While being on mission, it’s such a blessing to hear mass in different parishes, said by different priests.  There’s beauty in variety yet amidst the many differences, the message hits home the same way. ” — myself

Yesterday our gospel was about the Prodigal Son; a fan favourite parable!  It talks of mercy, of forgiveness, of being lost, of going ‘home’, of love and of acceptance. As the priest recounted the message behind the gospel and reminded us of our Lord’s extreme love for us… it brought to mind the words ready & willing.

Both the father and the son exemplified the meanings for both of those words during both the pre- and post-departure.  Pre-departure: The son seemed to have made up his mind and was ready to ask for half of his share.  Most people wouldn’t dare ask such a lofty question, yet he was willing enough to bring his concern before his father.  Upon hearing the son’s request, and I’m sure against his better judgement, the father was ready to hand over the son’s share of the land & earnings and willingly did so.  I say willingly because there was no catch, there was no bargain, there was no stipulation.  Post-departure: After he gambled and spent everything that was given to him, the son came to a point where he realized he didn’t have to live that life because his father was wealthy and had more than enough provisions.  At some point, we can assume that the son had to struggle with setting his pride aside to even think of going back to the father he turned away from.  In that process he became ready & willing to seek out his father and admit his faults.  The father, I like to believe, was always ready and willing for his son’s return.  When his son came home he was more than ready and willing to love him, accept him, and forgive him.

Both men showed their readiness and willingness to one another.  Both seemed secure enough in their relationship to be able act in readiness and willingness with whatever they set their hearts to.  This is what makes this parable so beautiful and so highly applicable to our everyday lives.

If we were to put ourselves in this parable, God will always play the role of the Father.  Always ready and willing to love us, accept us, forgive us and embrace us.  He will always celebrate our return to him.  He will always forget all transgressions we’ve committed against Him.  He will always be ready and willing to love us through both our best and worst.  That’s how much worth he places on each of us.  We, on the other hand, quickly relate to the character of the son.  We get caught up with what the world deems as necessary, we take our claims to our Father and demand something, as though we’re entitled.  Instead of handling things with care, we waste them on cheap flings and temporary highs only to find ourselves exhausted, used up and unfulfilled.  But like the son, we need to acknowledge our own weaknesses and be willing to turn back to our Father, our Lord.

It isn’t always about How God is ready and willing to love us, that’s a given!  It’s more about how ready and willing we are to go back to him, to ask for forgiveness, to plead for mercy.  How ready and willing are we to die to ourselves and seek the life that our Father in Heaven wants to adorn us with?  How ready and willing are we to pick up our crosses and walk with Him?  How ready and willing are we to fully trust that whatever He has in store for us is exactly what we need; more than we could have ever dreamed to ask or hope for?

Like the Father in the parable, our God is slow to anger and quick to love.  He has more than enough provisions to ensure us a life of fulfillment and true happiness in Him.  He will always toil in preparation for our return to Him, and when we do return, not only will we be welcomed with open arms but a celebration will be thrown, for one of His children, one of His lost sheep has found it’s way back home.

Father, May we listen to your still small voice and be guided back to your side.  Mama Mary, please pray for our souls and for the souls whom have no one to pray for them.

 

Red!

I’ve always looked forward to Eucharistic Celebrations where in the priest wears red vestments. When I was still in university, I looked forward to the Holy Spirit mass at the start of the school year because all the jesuit priests would be wearing their red vestments. To me it breathed life to a rather nerve wracking start of school.

It wasn’t until a few months ago that I read a book, that red vestments are also worn during the celebration of the feast day of saints who were martyrs. So every time a feast of a famous saint who died a martyr would come up, I would try to make it to mass.

Yesterday however, I was tired and really feeling a bit under the weather. The past month has been non-stop in terms of mission and travel, and frankly I just needed to rest my weary body. I was kind of lazy in going to Church because I already had a long day, and I had another meeting that night. But by the grace of the Lord, we were given a ride going to Church. So we were given a chance to go to adoration first before we went to mass.

During the mass however, I experienced something I’ve never experienced before. The moment I saw the red vestments of the priest during the procession, I felt that my heart was being crushed and I was overcome with sadness and grief. And throughout the mass, I was wondering why it was so.

I wanted to cry, but no tears came, the grief came from within. A sadness that could not be quenched. I already knew that it was the Feast of St. John the Baptist because of my prayer time earlier in the morning, but hearing the gospel acclamation of the beheading of St. John – it was as if I felt the hearts of those closest to him, his friends, his family, even the heart of Christ when they all heard the news of his death.

 

I even was asking the Lord during the whole time of why St. John the Baptist, and all the other martyrs (including the two Filipino saints, Lorenzo Ruiz and Pedro Calungsod) had to die if they followed Christ. It just did not make sense. Isn’t following the life of Christ supposed to bring peace, hope, and joy – not suffering?

It was only during the Eucharistic Prayer when the priest said:

Take this, all of you, and drink from it; for this is the chalice of my Blood, the Blood of the new and eternal covenant; which will be poured out for you and for many for the forgiveness of sins.  

That the pain in my heart was eased and I felt embraced by Christ himself. If Christ has to bleed for us, so that we may come to know Him. It is also by the blood we bleed out that Christ will be known in us.

How many times have we chosen to stay silent when we needed to speak out? How many times have we chosen to not do anything when action was needed? How many times have we bled for Christ?

Lord, may the blood You spilt wash away the sins of the world and bring to life, us, who are dead and dying. Amen.

Saint John the Baptist, pray for us.

Our Resurrection

It’s amazing how much pride can make us blind, deaf, and paralyzed. Causes us to sin gravely, die spiritually, and we become like one of the carcasses in the valley of dry bones (Ez 37). However, there is Good News: God is merciful and He loves us, He forgives us, and through the Sacrament of Confession, we are resurrected and brought back to life. He makes all things new. Praise God!

Seventy Times Seven

“Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy times seven.

Mt. 18:21

Jesus basically meant always forgive your neighbour and show mercy because our Heavenly Father always forgives and shows mercy. Jesus then told a story of a king who decided to settle accounts with his servants. Basically, a servant owed the king 10,000 talents, which was at that time worth a lifetime of wages. The servant fell down and begged his master to be patient and assured him that he will pay him back in full. Moved by compassion, the master let him go and forgave him the loan. He let the servant go free without having to owe anything anymore! Completely forgiven. Debt forgotten. The servant then went out and met one of his fellow servants who owed him a much smaller amount, just a days worth of wages. He seized him and started to choke and demand that he be paid back. His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him to be patient and assured he will pay back in full, but the man refused. Instead, he had him put in prison until he paid back what he owed! When the king found out what the servant had done he was outraged that the servant didn’t show the same mercy he showed him. The king handed him over to the torturers until he paid back the entire debt of 10,000 talents. Jesus ends his story by stating, “so will my Heavenly Father do to you, unless each of you forgives your brother from your heart.”

Wow! How disturbing this parable is to those with hardened hearts! We are like the servant who stands before God so sinful and unworthy. We are like the servant who has a lifetime of debt, and each of us begging for His mercy. The beautiful truth is that our Heavenly Father does indeed forgive us our debt in it’s entirety and forgets what we owe. He forgets our sins. However, the condition is that we must forgive those who sin against us entirely and forget their sins if we want our Heavenly Father to do the same for us. When we harbour ill intentions toward others and are unforgiving toward our neighbour, we practically throw ourselves in the dungeon to be tortured. There’s nothing like the torture of a hardened, unforgiving heart. The scary thing is that if we decide to not forgive our neighbour and decide to remember his sins against us, so will our Heavenly Father when we are judged. The consequence is eternal damnation, eternity of suffering in the prison we put ourselves in. To decide not to forgive someone, especially if they practically beg for forgiveness, is outrageous when we ourselves beg God for His forgiveness.

Forgiveness is FREE. The only thing to be earned again is TRUST if that was lost. Forgiveness is DIVINE, thus we must rely on God’s grace and not our own understanding. Most of the time to forgive is unthinkable and might seem impossible. It is definitely impossible if we do not realize the log in our own eyes and can only see the speck in our neighbour’s eye.

The truth is that no one can sin against us more than we have sinned against God, and no one can forgive and forget unless we realize that God has forgiven and forgotten.

If we are finding it hard to forgive someone we must check ourselves before God. We must seek his forgiveness in Confession, then show the same mercy to our neighbour to truly be right with God again.

Lord, have mercy on us. Forgive us as we forgive those who trespass against us. Amen.