Author: Thea Lape

This past weekend, I was asked to share for Session 4 with an old, old, old friend of mine. She journeyed with me since the very beginning. Having to go up on stage and share about our struggles brought on so much anxiety. After all for almost 5 years we never spoke because of a small misunderstanding that we let get out of control. Sometimes what starts off as a crack in the pavement, when left unattended over time, may grow to be a huge canyon. This was what we intended to share, but with 5 minutes to do everything we had to summarize.

I know that I am definitely at peace with where we are now. God has never stopped being good to us, whether together or individually. I know that being asked to do this sharing for the both of us was the last nail to that coffin. We are able to acknowledge our faults, failures and humanity and move on to something brighter.

No matter how hard you try to separate two hearts that are together, with Christ in the centre, there is NO separating them.

Ekah: Thea and I first met when we attended our youth camp together, back in August 2001. At the time, I was new the Mississauga and new the community, of course. I thought my family was going camping, and I didn’t know that I was going to a retreat. I remember going to Thea’s house before the camp, and I thought we were going camping with her family too. My parents obviously tricked me and left me there with…Thea. She was the weirdest girl I had ever met and I didn’t wanna be her friend.

Thea: Thirteen and a half years ago, I joined my first youth camp, “A New Beginning”. I was finally twelve and finally allowed to go from being a Kids for Christ to a Youth for Christ member. This was a big deal. This was a huge milestone, the first of any to signify that I was now a teenager- old enough to be a “grown up” of sorts. When my parents told me that we had to wait for another family and their daughter before going to camp, my excitement grew even more- this was it…she was going to be my first YFC friend. I couldn’t wait to meet her and tell her everything I knew about YFC. After all, my parents had been coordinators for many years and I practically studied the community growing up in it. 

Ekah: Low and behold, we became best friends after that. I think our friendship grew close, when I started to pull her dead hairs out of her head (weird, I know lol), but I guess it was just the “big sister” in me. Thea and I were very close. We actually talked for hours on the phone and on MSN. Whenever we cried about something or had our hearts broken by boys, we would call each other.

Thea: I was right. She did become my friend, but not just a friend. She became the best one of them all, a role model, an ate- the older sister I should have had. My parents were way too strict, and hers let her do whatever she wanted. She accepted me for all my quirks and weirdness. I felt the most real when we were together, because she never judged me for the way I dressed, acted or spoke. I grew up in the Philippines and for the most part moving to Canada meant having to hide parts of myself from everyone else. But not Ekah, with her I could be 100% me and 100% real. I loved hearing her stories and I loved that my parents would let me go out if she was with me.  She showed me a world larger than the one I was currently allowed to explore. 

The Drift
Thea: Highschool changed everything. It was the hardest time of my life. Ekah and I went to the same one, but she was a year older which meant I couldn’t really hang out with her until the weekends. It was a struggle finding balance between who I knew I was- the moral and values my parents raised me with- and the person I was expected to be. My parents expected nothing less than academic perfection, but there was no room for that in highschool if you wanted to be in with the “cool kids”. It was all about the right clothes, the right hair, the right body, the right crowd. None of which I had. Highschool was a jungle and as far as I knew, I was at the bottom of the food chain. I wasn’t even anything significant. Like a leaf, I was just there. Existing without any meaning. Or at least it felt like it. Then I discovered dance and I realized that my body moved naturally to music. Dance allowed me to bloom and blossom. People noticed me. People recognized me. I was asked to be part of an exclusive dance team that performed outside the community. It felt nice to be wanted. It felt like I had a purpose. I found a group that thought I was good enough to belong.

Ekah: As Thea moved on to high school I noticed her struggle to want to belong. She was in a state of finding herself and wanting to be a part of something. I knew that she was “exploring”. She became part of RMX and started dancing more, she built close relationships with other YFCs that were her age between Mississauga and Brampton, and hung out a lot more with another friend of ours. Me, Thea and this friend became a trio. At first, Thea and our friend started hanging out a lot more, since they both danced together. Then, our friend moved on to university and we started working at the same place and hung out a lot more too. I can tell that Thea started to feel left out whenever the three of us were together. I sensed the jealousy and the anger. But my thought was, “Well she has no reason to feel that way, because we’re all friends. if she does feel that way, then that’s her problem. She should be talking to us about it.” She suddenly stopped talking to both of us. She stopped responding to texts and stopped coming out. I knew that a lot of her desire for belonging was the pressure that she was under. She struggled with having to meet her parents’ academic expectations.

Thea: I became so good at hiding parts of myself that eventually I got lost- lost in my own emotional and mental chaos. I hated that I couldn’t just fit in. I drowned myself in the expectations of other people. Ekah tried to help, I mean she was still around. But not even our friendship felt like enough. She eventually moved on to university and we were just in different times of our life. Because it never seemed like she struggled at fitting in or finding her own group of friends, her sympathies seemed lacking to me. She began working with one of my dance friends and they started doing everything together. I became resentful because it seemed like they never wanted to invite me. So many people came in and out of my life before, so many friends who said they’d stay and be there forever but left as soon as they found something or someone better. To me, Ekah was already halfway out of my life. So I figured I’d do her a favour and walk out the door first. I took what I could and left. It’s easier to hurt someone first by leaving without an explanation than having to wait around for the inevitable. 

Ekah: I was hurt that she didn’t just talk to me about it. I was hurt that she was always choosing other people to spend time with than me. I was hurt that she was only coming to be for emotional comfort, and then after that, she would go off to some more exciting people.

Because she pushed me away, I pushed her away even more. Before Thea three-month long trip to the Philippines, she came to see me. She insisted to talk to me in person. So, she came over and admitted that she was jealous of how I got closer to our friend. Looking back now, I was really harsh. I told her that things were never going to be the same again. I had nothing left to say to her, leaving her with nothing to say to me.

Thea: I tried replacing Ekah with other people, but it was never the same. How could it? The time we spent together growing into our older selves was something no one could just borrow or take from us. I fell into half-hearted, half-lived, non-committal “friendlationships” with guys. I lived off their promises of staying even though I knew they wouldn’t. Because having someone there for the time being is better than being along even if that meant lying to myself. Happiness was hard to come by. I left the community after high school because I felt like it just dragged me down. God had no room in my life. He had abandoned me a long time ago. 

Ekah: During the time we had drifted, I found out that Thea had been diagnosed with depression. I remember feeling angry about it and I didn’t even know why. But looking back, I guess is because I was still mad about what happened and that if she didn’t push me away, I could have been there to help her so she wouldn’t fall into depression.

Thea: My happiness now came in a bottle. I had hit rock bottom. 

Leading up to now
Ekah: I remember feeling so awkward and feeling like I had not yet healed. Because seeing her and being in the same room with her still made me angry. So I continued to avoid her. I continued to gossip about her to other people. It was my reaction to being hurt.

Then, when I was going through some spiritual dryness in my life, is when I noticed Thea had come back to the community. One of the reasons I didn’t wanna come back to the community was because of her. That was the time that Joni wanted to begin transitioning to SFC. Thea joined SFC the following CLP after I graduated, which I served at. She was in my facilitating group, and it was either myself or another sister that had to do one-on-ones with her. I refused to do it, not because I still resented her, but because I was scared to rekindle that relationship with her. Was I gna choke on the words I said to her, when I said that “it’s never going to be the same again?” So there was pride.

Thea: Then in April 2011 something happened. I was forced to visit a Regional Youth Conference by my parents and it was there that I rediscovered God. I decided to take a leap of faith and book a 6 month trip to the Philippines for January of the following year for some soul searching. But before that, I knew I had to join SFC. I hadn’t participated in the community for a long time so there were a lot of reasons for me not to continue. One of them was Ekah- I didn’t know she would be there. I couldn’t stand being around her and so much anger welled up in my chest everytime I saw her. But I knew I had to finish my CLP before my trip. A lot of people told me she talked behind my back. I was partly shocked, cos I mean how long as it been since we’d talked? What new stories or lies about me did she have to give to other people? I stuck it out, because as far as I was concerned at this point, I just had to finish my CLP.

Ekah: When I started the MV program for SFC, I knew she was probably going to see her more often. When Gelo asked is both to go on mission with him to Bermuda, I was actually feeling so anxious because obv we would be hosted together. I kept wondering what it was gna be like. Was it gna be awkward? Was it gna go back to the way it was?

Thea: My trip gave me a new life- a prodigal son, rather daughter, who went back to her Father. Faith reshaped me and molded me. With the help of the community in the Philippines I rediscovered myself. But more importantly I learned to love how the Lord specifically made me. I came back to Canada and was asked to join the Area Core for the CFC-Youth GTA. I applied to the Mission Volunteer Program for the youth and everything made sense. I understood why the Lord put me through all my struggles. My story became my greatest weapon. 

Ekah: And praise God it did. She opened up to me about her potential love life, which is just like old times. And in those 6 days that we were there there, we spent a lot of time together and it was okay. I didn’t feel as anxious as I thought I would. We prayed together, we met new friends together, just talked like we did before. From then to this day, I just praise God because he allowed us to heal and rekindle the sisterhood we once had.

Thea: God is as funny as he is good, because Ekah and I ended up serving in Bermuda together. I had a feeling Kuya Gelo had something up his sleeve. I was anxious because we never really talked about our past but being stuck in an island for a week allowed us to open old wounds. It was clear to me that God’s hand was in all of this when our talk assignments were handed to us. I had to give a session on “Our Emotions and our character” and she had to give one on “Righteous and Unrighteous Anger”. It was God’s way of humbling us. As we sat through each other’s sessions we both were able to realize how much the Lord had transformed us through our weaknesses. Now we both stand here as Mission Volunteers for SFC Toronto not just as workers in the same vineyard, but as sisters who found eachother again. 

“Love is at it’s finest in forgiveness.”
-Gelo Saludo, Session 4, SFC RECON GTA

About two weeks ago, I had an unfortunate event that caused me to be fearful of attending mass/taking part in the sacraments at this particular church. It’s a significant place to me because my family has been going there since we first moved to Mississauga 13+ years ago. It’s a place that my heart has grown accustomed to calling home because I’ve done most of all my Trinity Runs there, and I can’t even recount how many answered prayers were borne from hiding at the  Adoration chapel there.

I strongly identify with the prodigal son; it’s only been three years since I’ve come home to the Catholic Church after my secular world life binge. In that time I’ve done everything I could to “make up” for all the lost time. But the conversation I had with the parish priest broke me down so much that I couldn’t bear to hold back all the tears welling in my eyes. The conversation only lasted five minutes but by the end of it, I was left alone feeling extremely unappreciated, unloved and abandoned.

At that moment, I doubted everything about myself, everything about my spiritual journey thus far. All the voices that told me I wasn’t worthy grew louder. Every single doubt I’ve had suddenly started to pile up, one after the other until I had this huge wall around me.

I avoided that church like the plague in the past two weeks. Every time I drove by I felt extremely nauseosus. I begged my family to go to a different parish during Easter Triduum and it killed me that a place I felt so secure at all these years suddenly became a breeding ground for more hurt and pain. I even went so far as to stop veiling. I lost all the courage to wear one.

(I found out that my wearing a mantilla while speaking to the priest had a huge impact, since he’s more Liberal and does not necessarily approve of the practice. He’s even refused to give a parishioner communion because she was wearing one. Tough, I know.)

I’ve opened up about this situation to a few people and I had a great realization. At the end of the day, priests are still human the same way all missionaries are human. For reasons of his own, the priest reacted the way he did. He probably felt the need to protect his beliefs. Maybe he had a bad day. Maybe he wasn’t in the mood. Whatever the reason was, I should keep lifting up the hurt in my heart to God so that I don’t harbour resentment in my heart. After all, it’s God who I face each time I am at church, not the priest. It is God who I answer to, not the priest. That’s not to say that I should not act with respect when he’s around…but I should not let that one instance stop me from showing reverence to God in the way that I always have- through the mass.

I’m glad I was able to do a Trinity run today. It felt good. The associate pastor was the one who celebrated mass and it was the priest that I also had confession with. I’m glad I didn’t let my fear stop me because I experience so much goodness and kindness.

I realized how much God longs to be a part of me through the Eucharist.

I was reminded of how beautiful His love and mercy can be.

I found courage to love more.

As I entered the Adoration chapel, I reached for the veil in my bag and put it on. I felt so at peace being able to do so. I was in a state of grace, and I could just feel God’s presence. I took everything that had piled up in the last 2 weeks asked Mama Mary to help me find the strength to willingly put it all at the foot of the cross. I knew I had to move on and the only way I could do so was by asking for her intercession.

At the end of the day, I know what I am called to do- and that’s to be present before the one whom I love most.

A few weeks ago a few of us from the GTA Area Core went on a pilgrimage to Quebec City to visit the Holy Doors at Notre Dame de Quebec. Most of us knew very little about what the Holy Doors actually were. Some people imagined that it would just be a freestanding doorpost frame in the middle of nowhere (don’t worry, I won’t mention who those people were…hahaha). I read up a little bit on what it was all about, but going to Quebec I still didn’t really know what to expect.

When we all passed through the door, each person explored a different part of the church. We all found ourselves looking for a Catholic priest. We found him by the St. Joseph shrine, and the line was long because he was the only English speaking priest out of three stations. After observing the speed of people coming and going, some of us decided to venture out and look for shorter lines. I stayed.

After an hour, everyone but me had finished going to Confession. I was adamant about staying in that particular line. Ever since I was about sixteen years old, my mother gave me a St. Joseph rosary and she told me to pray to him for help with my love life- for help with finding a husband (should that be the vocation God wills for me). There was something about having a face to face experience with a priest right before the beautiful St. Joseph statue that tugged at my heart. Something made me want to stay. I’ve seen so many St. Joseph statues, but this one just called out to me. So even after an hour and a half, I still waited.

And waited,
And waited,
And waited…..

Mass began and I started to panic. Here I was, standing patiently in line for what seemed like forever, and at this point there was only one other person in front of me. “I’ll make it,” I told myself. But then the Homily began, and the person who went in 25 minutes before mass started was still with the priest reading from his stack of papers. The woman before me kept huffing and turning in her seat. She mumbled to the lady in front of her. This guy was at confession for almost an hour! The more she fussed, the more desperate my heart grew.

“This was a stupid idea,” I told myself.

Why the heck did I have to be so stubborn? I waited for two and a half hours, the mass will end and I probably still won’t be able to have Confession with St. Joseph before me. As the priest was getting ready to bless the bread and wine, a huge lump settled at the base of my throat and I was so tired that I just let the tears fall down my face.

“Why Lord? Why did this happen? Why couldn’t I just let myself leave this spot and go to another priest? I would’ve gotten what I wanted. I would have found the peace I desired and the absolution I needed! I can’t leave Quebec feeling so empty. I can’t leave feeling so unfulfilled! I. Am. So. Stupid.”

*At this point, the priest was saying his blessing for the gifts*

For some reason, I felt this need to adjust my body and move my gaze from the monstrance to St. Joseph’s face. So I did.

And that’s when it me. It hit me like a pound of bricks. It hit me like a slap in the face. A lightbulb turned on.

“How do you think I felt…” – St. Joseph’s face somehow exuded, unchanging- “to wait for something I thought I always wanted, something I always thought I needed, something I worked hard for…?“

St. Joseph probably always wanted to marry. Like any other committed, conservative, God-fearing man he knew that if he waited long enough, he would find a good Jewish woman who he could have beautiful Jewish babies with. A wife of his own, a family of his own.

St. Joseph did marry, did have a wife, did raise a child. But the child was not of his flesh and blood. And his marriage he was never able to consummate. Like any other human being, St. Joseph must have grown impatient, tired, doubtful, fearful, confused, terrified…

And yet, he lived his life to the fullest and died a peaceful death. He had his own dreams, plans and ambitions but left them behind because he knew that God wanted to give him more- not in his lifetime, but in the next in heaven. St. Joseph waited his whole life (here on earth) and never attained his worldly desires but never stopped living his life of waiting.

I felt a sudden rush of peace. What did I really want in the first place? Was it not simply God whom I desired? And was he not here, present, right before me in the sacrament of the Eucharist? And would he not quench that thirst, fill that hunger every single day at His altars, at every single Catholic church I could ever step foot in?

I didn’t get to go to Confession that day. I didn’t get to speak to the priest in the presence of St. Joseph. But the affirmation and intimacy of having the Lord reach into my heart and rearrange the pieces within myself was more than enough. I received the grace I needed to keep going for my lifelong pilgrimage- the one that went beyond the confines of the church, beyond the borders of the French city.

To be joyful in the wait, because God has a plan for me well beyond my own understanding.

I didn’t exactly understand everything a month ago, but now as I enter into this new year I can’t help but be excited for what is to come. I am going into my third year as a Mission Volunteer into a completely different ministry from where I first began. I entered this program thinking that as confused as I was my future would be clearer in 2015 but here I am, still waiting for his plans in my missionary life to unfold.

I’m a lot calmer than I have ever been. Peace has nestled its way into the corners of my heart. I don’t know where I’ll be a year from now, two years from now. I still  have my own plans, my own dreams & aspirations, but like St. Joseph I will be happy with a life of waiting knowing that at the end of it all, it is God who I ultimately desire above all. And however way he chooses to reveal Himself to me, whatever way he chooses to love me… His promise will endure now and forever. 

I have come to realize that when you commit yourself to someone, you’re saying more than just “I do”. As complete as that sentence already is, there are four other words that are actually attached to it-

…and I will choose to be more understanding in difficulties, trials and hardships.
..and I will choose to be patient knowing that you are completely different from who and how I am.
…and I will choose to remain faithful even if all I feel like doing is packing up and leaving.
…and I will choose to love you, every part of you, with every part of me because that’s what I said I would do.

When we say Yes to our significant others, these are the silent promises that flow out of the fullness of our hearts. In the same way every time we say Yes to God, these vows should echo from the rawest parts of us.

The past two months have been challenging service wise, dry even. Out of the two years I’ve been back since my “dark-age-inactivity” 2014 has really been the year that’s stretched me to my limits. But despite all of this, I know that I am called to remain faithful to my God. I know that He has always, always, always been good to me even if I don’t realize it.

Faith takes God without any ‘If’s’ – D.L. Moody

I have made sure to work hard for my sacramental life to stay stay consistent. I’ve made sure that I continue to have my prayer time and coffee dates with the Lord. I wrote down all the ways the Lord fulfilled His promises to me since my “Soul Search” in 2012 and it reminds me that God heard, hears, and will continue to hear every single cry of my heart.

“I will not in any way fail you note give you up nor leave you without support. I will not, I will not, I will not in any degree leave you helpless nor forsake nor let you down! Assuredly not!” – Hebrews 13:5

God works in His own time. His ways are definitely not my ways and His thoughts are not my thoughts. I will remain confident in Him, I will continue to trust in His mightiness and goodness, and I will stay committed. He gave us the gift that is the Holy Spirit who dwells within us, so maybe the call for me is to keep working diligently with making my body a temple so that He can continue to dwell and work within me.

The Lord loves me too much to abandon me now- precious, divine, His. His love letter can never be unwritten.

“I plead with you- never, ever give up on hope, never doubt, never tire, and never become discouraged. Be not afraid.” – St. John Paul II

For the past six days I have been hooked up to an IV needle and an automatic pump. I have this black fanny pack that holds my antibiotics and it releases my medicine every eight hours. I need to visit the clinic once a day to get my bag changed because it can only dispense three doses a day.

I’m tired all the time. I get nauseous very easily.  And I’ve never been so easily irritated.

Basically, the doctor had to make a 1.5cm incision by my throat to drain out the infection. They had to force my mouth open and my tongue down because my airways were almost fully blocked. They used three different methods to freeze the affected area, but I still felt every bit of that procedure. I stayed awake the whole time and to be honest it was the most painful thing I ever had to go through.

I remember the only thought in my head that whole time was,

“Jesus, I don’t know how to endure this. It hurts. So much.”

As bad as things seemed, it could have been worse. If I waited even a day later, I could have risked a larger infection. The abscess could have ruptured and spread into my lungs, etc.

There’s still so much to praise God for.

In my week of resting, these are the things that the Lord has revealed to me:

1. I needed to slow down.

My Martha> Mary tendencies were coming to an all time high. I was so focused on the work and deliverables that I failed to take care of myself. I lost sleep from worrying about things that were out of my control. The mission will continue to move forward even if I take a break. I cannot put so much pressure on myself.

2. I needed to ask for help.

I had to stop expecting myself to be a superwoman. I had limitations that I failed to acknowledge and that brought on more frustration. The Lord has blessed me with brothers and sisters who are able to pick up where I can’t.

3. I needed to take a break.

I don’t have to be strong all the time. I’m human. I’m allowed to be weak. I can cry. I can allow myself to feel during moments of loss and suffering. I didn’t give myself time to grieve my aunt’s passing the way I should have. Not every battle has to be fought by me; some battles were never mine to begin with.

“If God gives you an abundant harvest of trials, it is a sign of great holiness, which He desires you to attain. Do you want to become a great saint? Ask God to send you many sufferings. The flame of Divine Love never rises higher than when fed with the wood of the Cross, which the infinite charity of the Savior used to finish His sacrifice. All the pleasures of the world are nothing compared with the sweetness found in the gall and vinegar offered to Jesus Christ. That is, hard and painful things endured for Jesus Christ and with Jesus Christ.” – Saint Ignatius of Loyola

4. I needed to let the Lord love me.

As much as I am called for much in the mission, sometimes all the Lord wants is for me to bask in His presence. Audrey Assad’s You Speak couldn’t have put it any more beautifully:

You liberate me from my own noise and my own chaos. From the chains of a lesser law You set me free. In the silence of the heart You speak. And it is there that I will know You and You will know me. You satisfy me til I am quiet and confident, in the work of the Spirit I cannot see.

Suffering is a great favor. Remember that everything soon comes to an end . . . and take courage. Think of how our gain is eternal (St. Teresa of Avila). Our Lord and Savior lifted up his voice and said with incomparable majesty: “Let all men know that grace comes after tribulation. Let them know that without the burden of afflictions it is impossible to reach the height of grace. Let them know that the gifts of grace increase as the struggles increase. Let men take care not to stray and be deceived. This is the only true stairway to paradise, and without the cross they can find no road to climb to heaven” (St. Rose of Lima). Suffering is a great grace; through suffering the soul becomes like the Saviour; in suffering love becomes crystallised; the greater the suffering, the purer the love (St. Faustina). I always want to see you behaving like a brave soldier who does not complain about his own suffering but takes his comrades’ wounds seriously and treats his own as nothing but scratches (St. Therese).

This experience has truly humbled me. To be in the company of the Saints has been one of the greatest blessings this situation has brought me. I’ve found so much unity in Christ through their teachings on suffering and through the Lord’s. More than anything, my spiritual life has continued to flourish as I’ve found myself spending more time with Christ through the Eucharist and Adoration.

I shall continue to move forward and keep Christ as my goal. He has never abandoned me, and my faithfulness is all I can offer Him.

Being part of a Catholic community is a blessing.  I have learned to become a better sister, leader, speaker, Canadian, human being because of Couples for Christ. I’ve had the greatest pleasure meeting so many awesome brothers and sisters who inspire me and challenge me.

However, being part of this community also means that in times of self-doubt, there can be the tendency for us to compare ourselves to those who serve us and those we serve.

“She’s more prayerful than me.”

“He’s a better worship leader than I’ll ever be.”

“He/She has it easier than me. Why does he/she seem to never struggle with life? It’s because I’m such a failure and God is punishing me.”

“He/she is so talented. Why can’t I be like that? God would probably answer my prayers more!”

How many times have these words resonated in our own heads? How many times have we heard this from others? It happens doesn’t it? More often than some of us would probably like to admit to. As a Mission Volunteer there are days when I lose sight of my own conviction story with the Lord. Instead of praying for His guidance, I choose to water the seeds of doubt-

“The Lord has turned his back on me. If only I was like her. If only I prayed more fervently. If only I was a better leader. It’s because I’ve fallen again….”

Two weeks ago I had my SFC Household with some of the sisters in Toronto West and we ended up doing a Lectio Divina. This was that day’s gospel:

So much came to me that night.

• Jesus was not exempt from praying. He knew he needed time to be with His Father. He went away from the world and spent time in solitude. I should always be humble enough to recognize how important it is for me to pray. I need to call on God’s name for strength, courage and perseverance. I need to ask for His Holy Spirit to guide me in all decisions I make whether they are big or small.
• Jesus, even in all his power and glory, wants to be with us. He meets us where we are. I compare myself to a lot of sisters, and fellow leaders. I doubt my own anointing. I equate the blessings He showers me with to the worthiness I feel. The truth is, we are all unworthy, but that doesn’t stop God from giving. God is the source of all love. He cannot deny the outpouring of Himself to his people. He wants to love me. All of me.
  • “And he came down with them and stood on a stretch of level ground.”
    Jesus comes to us. Jesus is with us. Regardless of where we are in the picture, he acknowledges our presence. He simply sees us as his sons and daughters. He does not look at our sins like an employer looks at a resume. We simply have to desire Him and have faith in Him. He sees what is in our hearts.
• When we choose to find Jesus and spend time with Him, we will be healed. Maybe not right away, but because God is faithful he grants it to us in His perfect time. His presence alone is enough. Even while we wait, the Lord is still at work- everything that happens to us is for a greater purpose. We have to believe that we are made for heaven and that earth is our training ground. Our battles have to be fought, but we are never alone. We are always in a state of purification.

This reading reminded me, and is reminding me, that even in my worst of days the Lord’s love is always available to me. He will meet me where I am. He loves me with an everlasting love.

I simply have to say, “Lord I need you”…

 #ponderings: We can never have too much confidence in the good God Who is so powerful and so merciful. We obtain from Him as much as we hope for. What offends Jesus, what wounds His Sacred Heart, is lack of confidence in Him. If you are nothing, do you forget that Jesus is everything? You have only to lose your nothingness in His Infinity and think only of loving Him. (taken from Day 1 of the St. Therese novena)

Life tests us in two ways- with everything happening all at once, or having nothing happen at all.

For the past few months I feel like life has put my future on some sort of overdrive. I can’t seem to see anything past the next two steps. I have no choice but to deal with the now; otherwise I just end up driving myself to the ground. And today, I was reminded of just how human I am. So much is happening all at once, and amidst so much change I’m expected to keep calm and carry on.

Calm? 

—–

Plant stakes. Plant supports. Some plants can’t grow properly without having these structures to latch onto as they mature.

Two of my closest friends have been called to serve elsewhere, another has been asked to relocate and in a matter of hours, my mother has to travel halfway across the world to deal with a family emergency. In a short amount of time so many prominent women figures in my life will not be within my proximity anymore. And it scares me. 

Will I continue to grow upwards without my “plant supports“?

There have been so many people coming in and out. So many movements in my heart and I’ve always been a little slow in reacting. I drove to my parish and just missed the last ten minutes of adoration so I had no choice but to sit outside by Mary’s grotto. I looked right at her and voiced out all my frustrations. I told her I was scared of the idea that I’d have to bear one whole month without my own mom, the one who holds my family together. I’m scared of the idea of having to stand on my own without my sisters or their guidance. I’m scared of allowing this new person take care of me because it’s the first time I’ve ever really had to. I admitted to all of my fears, the reality of my weaknesses washing over me.

I let myself go. I let my fears escape the confines of my chest. I let out a sigh of relief.

And as I drove back home and entered my room, I found my Imitation of Mary face down on my bed on a random page. I opened it and it read:

I know that this is her way of reassuring me. Mother Mary is indeed a doting Mother, a mother who yearns for close company. The idea of being called to bloom where I am planted resonates in my heart again. I need to trust that my plant will be strong enough to stand without guides as long as I allow myself to be deeply rooted in Him. The deeper I journey into His Sacred Heart the stronger the fire will be. The stronger the fire, the more the heart will burn and consume the parts of my that need to be refined.

And by the end of it all would I not then come face to face with purest version of myself- the woman He designed me to be? I will never know who she is if I don’t allow the Lord to slowly unveil her to me.

That involves peeling away everything and everyone who was/is my comfort blanket(s).

Mother Mary, continue to be my fertilizer. Give me the confidence to persevere in my search for Christ. Allow the seeds of humility to grow in my heart so that I may continue to accept what your Son wants to give me with a joyful and grateful heart. Amen.