Witness – True North Missionaries Journal

Crown of Creation

This past weekend I attended ‘Princess Diaries‘ that Toronto SFC hosted for all the sisters. I was excited to just be a participant and not have to worry about serving. But then a week before the event, Renee, the GTA West Head asked me if I could lead the Praisefest for Saturday night. And you know what happened that whole week before the event? PANIC.

I was so mentally drained from trying to figure out the dynamics of a worship, the order of the songs, the prayers that go before the songs, the appropriate songs, the transitions, and everything else in between. On Friday morning I reached some point of mental desperation and just exasperatedly told God that he really should have chosen someone else.

———————
To understand this more let’s look at the three desires planted in every woman’s heart:

a) the desire to be romanced
b) the desire to play an irreplaceable role in an adventure
c) the desire to unveil beauty

Those desires are often misunderstood which is why a lot of sisters end up broken. We turn to the wrong sources to fill the void. I myself sought those desires out in multiple people, ~~men~~ boys who had no other agenda other than to fulfill their own desires.

Fifteen minutes before the session ended (New Heartbeats) He granted me the grace and wisdom to finally see all the pieces come together. And when it finally sank in, I could not contain the peace, joy and love that was pouring out of my own heart!

He said,

“My dearest Therese. These desires are not something to be afraid of. Do not deny yourself these desires because each one will lead you closer to me. Do you not already know that every movement in your heart is known to me? I fashioned that very thing that beats inside of you. Unite it with my sacred heart and will understand better the plans I have for you, as woman.”

THE DESIRE TO BE ROMANCED, I placed in you so that you will come to me in Adoration. I will embrace every part of you in the silence. Come to me, and I will pour myself out to you. Do not be afraid to glance out at me for I long to look out at your face. Each time you come, the heavens rejoice. This is where you belong, this is where you are meant to be- here with me. My beloved I have waited for you and you are finally here! Have FAITH that I am here.

THE DESIRE TO PLAY AN IRREPLACEABLE ROLE, I placed in you so that you will come to the House of Worship and receive me in the Holy Eucharist. Come to me exactly as you are. You say to me, Lord but I am broken, battered, shattered. And His reply: “But I NEED YOU. YES, YOU.” From the moment you receive me on your tongue you become the ultimate living tabernacle and you are NO longer broken, battered, shattered. I pour out my Holy Spirit within you, and my love which is far more precious than gold will bind you back together. There will always be HOPE.

THE DESIRE TO UNVEIL BEAUTY, I placed in you so that you will come to me in Confession. No sin you’ve committed, no sin that you are committing, no sin that you will commit can ever be too much for my cross. Nothing is more beautiful than a woman who humbles herself and acknowledges her weaknesses and limitations. All those layers you choose to hide behind, the masks you choose to wear around you will all be washed away. In every single instance, you come out as clean and pure just as I intended for you to be. I meet you with nothing but LOVE.

Wow. Praise the Lord. I could not contain myself in that tiny little seat. The Lord fulfilled ALL THOSE DESIRES in me within the past 24hrs! He granted me my trinity run; Adoration at Our Lady of Lourdes the night before, Confession before the last session, and Eucharist shortly after. The Lord loved me so much that He made straight my paths right before I stood before my sisters with a heart that was now READY AND WILLING.

“You, eternal trinity, are a deep sea. The more I enter you, the more I discover, and the more I discover, the more I seek you.”- St. Catherine of Siena

Amen.

42

“…open the eyes of my heart Lord, I want to see you….”

Lord, you have blessed us with 42 at Camp Witness! I’m not too sure why it didn’t dawn upon me earlier but the last time I was present at a camp of 42, it was when I joined CFC Youth. Almost 13 years ago you called 42 of your children in Winnipeg to attend a YFC camp named Exodus. Today I stand in a room very similar to the one I once stood in being exactly like these youth, not knowing where my involvement with this group would go.

But you knew! Imagine this, Winnipeg has sent 5 of their very own to train and become full-time pastoral workers and ALL 5 of them were present at camp Exodus. Arnold Rodriguez (my God father aka ninong) was the young area head at the time of the camp and was overseeing it. Dexter Suban was the camp head and (ate) Rina Castillo was one of the facilitators. Janice Tolledo-Banaria and myself were mere participants at the time. Only YOU knew!

I truly believe that it’s providential that this camp was called WITNESS. In the very details of it, I could see and feel our Lord’s presence. In witnessing these new participants complete their camp it allowed me to witness my own story and how it’s come full circle.

As I look at these young and beautiful faces, I cannot even begin to fathom your plans for them. This very feeling compels me to want to kneel in awe at your wonderful works! Amongst these 42, there may be ftpws, nuns, priests, future mothers and fathers and blessed singles. It humbles me to know that you would use me to call your children back to you.

Lord, you are limitless and you orchestrated all of this to achieve purpose in all our lives. You have breathed your Holy Spirit in all of us once again and have allowed us to physically see your harvest; how real it is, how real they are! Thank you Lord for showing me this. Thank you for holding our hearts and feeding our souls. Thank you for this walk down memory lane. Thank you for this call!

FOB

Respect for the human person considers the other “another self.”

CCC 1944

We have long used FOB to label a person who is not up to par to our own standards. Not up to par to the level of dressing up, to the level of our use of the english language, even to a level of not being cultured enough.

The question is, when have our standards suddenly become the standard in determining a person? Isn’t the standard Genesis 1:27? That because we are men and women made in the image and likeness of God, every person is a living and breathing image and likeness of God.

Ergo, the labels we use should then proclaim this true standard – we call each other brothers and sisters. For it holds the person up, instead of down. We then not only profess and declare, but more importantly live out the truth and bear witness to the claim that we are made in the image and likeness of God.

——————————-

Canticle of Brother Sun and Sister Moon of St. Francis of Assisi

Most High, all-powerful, all-good Lord, All praise is Yours, all glory, all honour and all blessings.

To you alone, Most High, do they belong, and no mortal lips are worthy to pronounce Your Name.

Praised be You my Lord with all Your creatures, especially Sir Brother Sun,
Who is the day through whom You give us light.
And he is beautiful and radiant with great splendour,
Of You Most High, he bears the likeness.

Praised be You, my Lord, through Sister Moon and the stars,
In the heavens you have made them bright, precious and fair.

Praised be You, my Lord, through Brothers Wind and Air,
And fair and stormy, all weather’s moods,
by which You cherish all that You have made.

Praised be You my Lord through Sister Water,
So useful, humble, precious and pure.

Praised be You my Lord through Brother Fire,
through whom You light the night and he is beautiful and playful and robust and strong.

Praised be You my Lord through our Sister, Mother Earth
who sustains and governs us, producing varied fruits with coloured flowers and herbs.
Praise be You my Lord through those who grant pardon for love of You and bear sickness and trial.

Blessed are those who endure in peace, By You Most High, they will be crowned.

Praised be You, my Lord through Sister Death,
from whom no-one living can escape. Woe to those who die in mortal sin! Blessed are they She finds doing Your Will.

No second death can do them harm. Praise and bless my Lord and give Him thanks,
And serve Him with great humility.

Extremely Favoured

Thirty minutes after my shift ended today, I walked into my director’s office with a heavy cloud looming over me, and no it wasn’t the one outside that’s been causing all this crazy rain here in the GTA. Approximately 23 days from today I will be hopping on a plane (again) but this time with my family.

I was sure that I’d be coming home with bad news today- that our upcoming family trip would cost me my job. We will be gone all of July which means that I’ll be missing out on my service for the Eastern True North Conference. Since I didn’t feel too comfortable with that, I started a novena for the Western True North Conference in Calgary that’s happening Mid-Aug. I’d be back just in time for that. I don’t know how it would be possible financially, but God has provided for me under worse conditions before. It doesn’t hurt to ask.

To put things in perspective, I was just granted a two month leave (MAR-MAY) even though I only started in September of last year. I’m only five weeks back in my classroom and here I was expecting my director to approve another sudden leave of absence. How was I going to explain to her that I needed 2 months….again?

———

I knew I had to call on Mama Mary so I did the rosary during my lunch break hoping that she’d send an extra serving of peace. She gave me that and a spoonful extra. Knowing how I am, I knew I’d find every excuse not to ask permission today. So I walked into the staff room, had a quick convo with God and He reassured me that no matter what the outcome would be, there was already a victory. Even if I was to lose my job, I would still have my family vacation.

In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths || Proverbs 3:6

Brothers & sisters, I walked out of that room not with storm clouds, but with sunshine and a double rainbow. I am extremely and irrevocably favoured by God. Not only did my director tell me that my leave would be approved, she made it very clear to me that she would ignore any talk of resignation. My classroom is secured. AGAIN. My job as a preschool teacher is on reserve.

That’s not all.

I will be receiving paid vacation time, which means that there’s an extra paycheque coming in while I’m gone. That amount is enough for a round trip ticket to Calgary.

“It’s never about whether or not YOU can provide for yourself. Faith is knowing that you have a God who can do wonders for you. Faith is knowing that He is of divine providence. It was never about you to begin with! So the next time you consider whether or not you can go, take your question to God first, and don’t let it just die with you. That’s the beauty about our relationship with the Lord. Sometimes we don’t even do anything yet he still showers us with abundant blessings. He still wants to keep capturing our hearts. He still wants to reach out to us. But first you have to allow yourself to see the ways in which he tries to reach out to you. All he needs is your Yes.” (July 19, 2012)

The Lord hasn’t stopped showing me how extremely favoured and extremely loved I am. He affirmed me just now by allowing me to reread that old blog post. Little did I know that the “yes” I gave 500 days ago would lead me here, walking on a path made wonderfully and beautifully paved straight for me.

Is that what you really want?

When you spend every waking hour with 20+ other CFC-Youth members for a three- week period the normal conference high quadruples. You never really come off the mountain experience you’re feeding off of each other’s vibes. We all came with different service backgrounds but what we shared was this search for God in a land foreign to us. Our pathways all merged into some sort of Lord of the Rings quest thus making the journey less tiring. So when the time came that I had to leave my tightly sealed and sheltered CFC-Youth pack to transition back to my regular Philippines environment, I really felt displaced.

Right after the two week World Great Adventure Tour, I went on a five day excursion with my childhood friends to Iloilo, Guimaras and Boracay. Halfway through our trip we stopped by this Trappist monastery. It was part of the day tour and to be honest with all the changes that kept happening I really needed to find myself in something familiar. A church seemed like the best option. Now I’ve entered dozens of churches here in the Philippines and the beauty each one holds always takes my breath away. But there was something different about this one.

As soon as I entered through the gates, my tear ducts hit some sort of overdrive. Something caught my throat and my chest tightened up. Something was tugging at my heartstrings, and it wasn’t being very gentle. All throughout the year I’ve felt God playing hide and seek with me. The moments that He decides to make His presence felt always catch me off guard and I can’t help but feel as if some hypothetical suckerpunch comes flying at me. Ultimate silence filled my head while my heart was being flooded with a million and one different emotions spurred by nothing.

Then out of nowhere, I felt God asking me in the most casual tone:

“What do you really want? I’m not asking you what you think I think you want. I’m asking you to tell me what the desires in your heart are. Of course I know them. I know what will bring you happiness, but I need you to vocalize what YOU want…what you FEEL you deserve to have in your life.”

It was probably one of the most humbling moments throughout this trip. There’s a difference between giving an answer because you know it’s the textbook sample, and giving an authentic, sincere heartfelt reply. He knows what I want, of course he does. Some of the things I’ve been asking for are more than a decade old. But there I was being asked to take centre stage. Would I ask for the same thing knowing that this time He was initiating instead? Was I really sure about what I wanted? I just pictured God smiling down at me, encouraging me to ask for my desires with full confidence.

Before walking back to join my friends for the rest of the tour, I walked over to where the candles for petition were. I took five candles and as I lit one for every prayer I felt myself getting lighter. It was an act of unpacking my emotional luggage. I realized that gaining peace through God would happen as a culmination of reaching different checkpoints. This was one of them. I looked at my five candles, let out an exasperated sigh and confidently muttered Psalm 37:4……

“Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.”

Story-tellers

This world doesn’t need more over-thinkers, over-spiritualizers, but better Story-tellers. It needs every day witnesses of God’s Love.

It’s been almost a week since my return from the Philippines. For a month, I experienced the fullness of the CFC and YFC community through ILC, GLS and WGAT (check out some highlights by clicking here and here). With so much to share about and people to share with, I was thinking that the Lord would literally “send me out to the world”, to proclaim every beautiful story from the trip to every single living thing (including your dog). Cause yeah… “I am ablaze for You, Lord! I wanna go out and spread Your Love!”

However this week, I have had more moments spent at home and in this room (see picture above). It was on a late jet-lagged Sunday night that I simply sat in front of a computer in a very lenghty Skype conversation. It was just yesterday that I quickly sent a sister a link to my Tumblr blog. And the story the Lord asked me to share about was not about the trip, but a story that I haven’t shared since December at Liveloud 2012. Not very recent, now is it?

However way He wants it told or when in it happened in our lives, the Lord reminds me that no story is irrelevant. Some times, the Lord asks us to look back at the other times where we experienced His Presence. The moments when we most felt Loved. Heard His voice and His every Call. Felt the the tenderness of His mercy. Saw the clarity given by His providence. To recall in great detail (and contemplate), with every sense – touch, hearing, smell, taste (Eucharist), sight- these moments. At the end of the recollection, we’ll find that we are able to say with even more vigour “Wow…’It is the Lord'”. – John 21:7

“Lord, we know that the day we chose to love You, our lives since have never been the same. Give us the graces needed to be better Story-tellers of our journey with You to the world.“

Trust in God

“My child, when you come to serve the Lord, prepare yourself for trials. Be sincere of heart and steadfast, and do not be impetuous in time of adversity. Cling to him, do not leave him, that you may prosper in your last days. Accept whatever happens to you; in periods of humiliation be patient. For in fire gold is tested, and the chosen, in the crucible of humiliation. Trust in God, and he will help you; make your ways straight and hope in him. You that fear the Lord, wait for his mercy, do not stray lest you fall. You that fear the Lord, trust in him, and your reward will not be lost. You that fear the Lord, hope for good things, for lasting joy and mercy.” – Sirach 2:1-9

Our Lord never ceases to fail us. Through the challenges we may face within the mission, God never fails. He calls each and everyone of us to listen and have an open heart to whatever He has planned. We need to trust in Him and trust that within this battle we face we can only conquer the victory with Christ Himself, for the battle is not ours to be won but God’s. Sometimes we get easily distracted by what we want in our own lives. Over-thinking, overanalyzing, and simply being ignorant of our surroundings. In this year of faith, may God provide us with the strength and humility to be witnesses to His plan and willingly obey His command.

Deo Gratias.