Tag: grace

MEssenger?

Young people being and bringing Christ wherever we are. 

That is the vision of CFC-Youth, and more often that not, I get hung up on the being Christ aspect of the vision. Giving talks, leading worships, journeying with the youth somehow displaces my sense of placement in the universe. Oh how many times has it crossed my mind that the results of all the activities in CFC-Youth in my area are brought about by me – my vision and my strength. Only to be humbled by the Lord in an awesome proportion reminding me that I am but a messenger – not the message. That my weakness, sinfulness, fears, faults – all of them – far outweigh what I can bring to the mission.

The game changer in fact is His grace. The grace that is experienced, transforms and is proclaimed. The message is Jesus Christ, not Kevin. The message is love made flesh, love on the cross, love that is raised up in victory from death. A love that triumphs over all doubt, all failures, and all sin.

I can do all things in Christ who strengthens me. – Philippians 4:13

God Willing

Prayer to know God’s Will

May it please the supreme and divine Goodness
to give us all abundant grace
ever to know his most holy will
and perfectly to fulfill it.

—St. Ignatius of Loyola

More often than not, we tend to associate God’s will as something we could really adhere to, even obey.  What I’ve learned recently is that even deeper than God’s will as a command is God’s will as Truth — a perfect Truth that longs to be fulfilled.  Denial of God’s plan is not merely an act of disobedience, but a blind eye from what is – perfect, beautiful, and true.

In Exodus 3:14, God reveals himself to Moses, “I am who I am”.  The divine Truth simply is.  When we say “non serviam” in our work, it does not change the nature of God’s will.  We are making the conscious choice to close our eyes from divine Truth, yet it does not cease to exist.  God’s will is perfection in it’s highest form, and when we open our eyes, ears, hearts, to that very Truth, we are graced with glimpses of God’s goodness.  We are made free.

“and you will know the truth, and the truth will make you free.” John 8:32

A brother once told me that the image of Truth manifested in the physical is our Lord Jesus Christ on the cross.  It encompasses all that is perfect, beautiful, and true — compassion, sorrow, love, suffering, sacrifice, forgiveness and so much more.  Yes, it may be easy to close ourselves to God’s will, yet in those times of desolation, he has given us an image in the crucifixion to remind us of our alpha and omega here on Earth – dying for the sake of love.  Remember, too, that honourable as it is to die a martyr’s death, is also to live a martyrs life.

“For to me, to live is Christ, and to die is gain.” Philippians 1:21

Christ on the cross is the ultimate example of a heart faithfully abondoning itself to Father God – totally, faithfully, freely, fruitfully.  I can only hope and pray that, through constant mortification and sanctification through grace, and consecration to our Blessed Lady, I will be the man that God had intended only because of my total reliance on the Lord and openness to the Truth.  I will be one who answers You and I will respond in the only way I know that is true – by loving You with all of me, God-willing.

Totus Tuus

 

Home.

With the amount of times that I’ve had to travel within an eighteen month time frame, most people would assume that I no longer suffer from homesickness. The past three trips (2009, 2012, 2013a) have been by myself; the shortest trip lasting 8 weeks and the longest lasting 6 months. Most people base their judgement on my social media posts and are probably thinking, “Dang, she is living the life.”

Well, reality check: I still suffer from homesickness. I still feel somewhat lost even though I’ve revisited Place A, B and C more than a handful of times. I still feel out of place in a room full of old friends and the nausea that accompanies displacement is very much real.

All those things still exist. Even now. Even when my family is here with me. We all haven’t been together in a very, very long time. Dad’s had to work out of town for the past 2 years and my brother’s had to live away at Waterloo ever since he started his Undergrad. And me, well…..I’ve been traveling to PH.

A few days into our family trip here, I was still feeling so bothered. My temper kept getting the best of me. I grew impatient and volatile. I couldn’t understand it. Shouldn’t my family have cushioned the hypothetical “emotional blow” that always hit me during my trips? Shouldn’t the weird jumble of emotions have stopped because I was with my loved ones? The anger and frustration drained me so much that one night, I decided to just leave the group. The innermost depths of me was craving for something. I didn’t know what that something was, but what I did know was that going to God wouldn’t leave me any more desolate than I already was. So I looked for a church.

I ended up at Sto. Rosario. I got through confession. I kneeled at the Adoration Chapel. I sat through Mass and received Holy Eucharist. And you know what? For the first time I felt good. Not just ice-cream-on-a-hot-sunny-day good, but ‘passing my final exam with flying colours and making the honour roll’ kinda good. I was a fish out of water that suddenly found my way back to the water. I could breathe again.

As I contemplated at the Adoration Chapel I was reminded of a promise I made to Him during the SFC precon praisefest. It just so happened to my birthday too. I told God that I was willing to finally give Him the one part of me that I hadn’t let go of yet- a very specific piece of my heart that was put on reserve. I didn’t have the strength to fight that fourteen year battle any more. It took me that long to surrender. That day He said to me, “Exodus 14:14, my beloved. Do not forget. I will fight for you, you need only to be still.

In the presence of the Eucharist and in front of the altar, I felt God whisper me to me, “Therese, my dearest Therese. You silly stubborn girl. Remember what you offered at the foot of my cross weeks ago? Remember that you promised me you’d finally give that last piece to me? Home is where the heart is and yours just so happens to be with me. It’s safe. It’s in my hands now. I’m happy that you finally found your back. My child, right now at this very moment …you are home. I’ve been waiting.”

All the puzzle pieces fit.
It all made sense.
I felt this sudden rush of peace, of final certainty.

Everything in this world is temporary. Even my family. But God, God is infinite. God is timeless, boundless and endless. I am made to stand in His presence, to bask in the love that is always present in His house.

 

Father, I’m coming home.
Amen. 

Extremely Favoured

Thirty minutes after my shift ended today, I walked into my director’s office with a heavy cloud looming over me, and no it wasn’t the one outside that’s been causing all this crazy rain here in the GTA. Approximately 23 days from today I will be hopping on a plane (again) but this time with my family.

I was sure that I’d be coming home with bad news today- that our upcoming family trip would cost me my job. We will be gone all of July which means that I’ll be missing out on my service for the Eastern True North Conference. Since I didn’t feel too comfortable with that, I started a novena for the Western True North Conference in Calgary that’s happening Mid-Aug. I’d be back just in time for that. I don’t know how it would be possible financially, but God has provided for me under worse conditions before. It doesn’t hurt to ask.

To put things in perspective, I was just granted a two month leave (MAR-MAY) even though I only started in September of last year. I’m only five weeks back in my classroom and here I was expecting my director to approve another sudden leave of absence. How was I going to explain to her that I needed 2 months….again?

———

I knew I had to call on Mama Mary so I did the rosary during my lunch break hoping that she’d send an extra serving of peace. She gave me that and a spoonful extra. Knowing how I am, I knew I’d find every excuse not to ask permission today. So I walked into the staff room, had a quick convo with God and He reassured me that no matter what the outcome would be, there was already a victory. Even if I was to lose my job, I would still have my family vacation.

In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths || Proverbs 3:6

Brothers & sisters, I walked out of that room not with storm clouds, but with sunshine and a double rainbow. I am extremely and irrevocably favoured by God. Not only did my director tell me that my leave would be approved, she made it very clear to me that she would ignore any talk of resignation. My classroom is secured. AGAIN. My job as a preschool teacher is on reserve.

That’s not all.

I will be receiving paid vacation time, which means that there’s an extra paycheque coming in while I’m gone. That amount is enough for a round trip ticket to Calgary.

“It’s never about whether or not YOU can provide for yourself. Faith is knowing that you have a God who can do wonders for you. Faith is knowing that He is of divine providence. It was never about you to begin with! So the next time you consider whether or not you can go, take your question to God first, and don’t let it just die with you. That’s the beauty about our relationship with the Lord. Sometimes we don’t even do anything yet he still showers us with abundant blessings. He still wants to keep capturing our hearts. He still wants to reach out to us. But first you have to allow yourself to see the ways in which he tries to reach out to you. All he needs is your Yes.” (July 19, 2012)

The Lord hasn’t stopped showing me how extremely favoured and extremely loved I am. He affirmed me just now by allowing me to reread that old blog post. Little did I know that the “yes” I gave 500 days ago would lead me here, walking on a path made wonderfully and beautifully paved straight for me. 

Is that what you really want?

When you spend every waking hour with 20+ other CFC-Youth members for a three- week period the normal conference high quadruples.  You never really come off the mountain experience you’re feeding off of each other’s vibes. We all came with different service backgrounds but what we shared was this search for God in a land foreign to us. Our pathways all merged into some sort of Lord of the Rings quest thus making the journey less tiring. So when the time came that I had to leave my tightly sealed and sheltered CFC-Youth pack to transition back to my regular Philippines environment, I really felt displaced.

Right after the two week World Great Adventure Tour, I went on a five day excursion with my childhood friends to Iloilo, Guimaras and Boracay. Halfway through our trip we stopped by this Trappist monastery. It was part of the day tour and to be honest with all the changes that kept happening I really needed to find myself in something familiar. A church seemed like the best option. Now I’ve entered dozens of churches here in the Philippines and the beauty each one holds always takes my breath away. But there was something different about this one.

As soon as I entered through the gates, my tear ducts hit some sort of overdrive. Something caught my throat and my chest tightened up. Something was tugging at my heartstrings, and it wasn’t being very gentle. All throughout the year I’ve felt God playing hide and seek with me. The moments that He decides to make His presence felt always catch me off guard and I can’t help but feel as if some hypothetical suckerpunch comes flying at me. Ultimate silence filled my head while my heart was being flooded with a million and one different emotions spurred by nothing.

Then out of nowhere, I felt God asking me in the most casual tone:

“What do you really want? I’m not asking you what you think I think you want. I’m asking you to tell me what the desires in your heart are. Of course I know them. I know what will bring you happiness, but I need you to vocalize what YOU want…what you FEEL you deserve to have in your life.”

It was probably one of the most humbling moments throughout this trip. There’s a difference between giving an answer because you know it’s the textbook sample, and giving an authentic, sincere heartfelt reply. He knows what I want, of course he does. Some of the things I’ve been asking for are more than a decade old. But there I was being asked to take centre stage. Would I ask for the same thing knowing that this time He was initiating instead? Was I really sure about what I wanted? I just pictured God smiling down at me, encouraging me to ask for my desires with full confidence.

Before walking back to join my friends for the rest of the tour, I walked over to where the candles for petition were. I took five candles and as I lit one for every prayer I felt myself getting lighter. It was an act of unpacking my emotional luggage. I realized that gaining peace through God would happen as a culmination of reaching different checkpoints. This was one of them. I looked at my five candles, let out an exasperated sigh and confidently muttered Psalm 37:4……

“Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.”

I will have nothing, except You

Sometimes I do good things so that the Lord will bless me. I get excited for the graces I will receive. I get excited for the souls in purgatory I could possibly save. And yes, more selfishly, I get excited that maybe God will grant me all my wishes if I make Him happy. 

But if I am constantly doing things for my own benefit, our faith becomes a job. My focus is on myself instead of where it should be: on our God. It is a constant work in process. A constant goal to be better.

And I pray that one day, if God comes to me and asks, “what reward would you have for your labor?” I can answer the same as St. Thomas Aquinas – “I will have nothing, except You”.

 

The Journey of Our Yes

March 7-9 2008, was the weekend that changed my life whether I knew it or not. This was the weekend of my very first CFC-Youth Camp, Camp Radiance. Joining at the age of 14 I really didn’t know much of what the ministry was about. Like most teens I joined because my friends were going. But there was something about CFC-Youth that captured my heart.

Recently I’ve been reflecting on my journey within this community. Many may say 5 years isn’t very long but as we approach March 7th, it feels like it’s been a long journey. These 5 years have impacted my life tremendously. Through every struggle and every bit of joy and happiness I felt within the 5 years of being a part of this community has allowed me to be captivated by Christ Himself. There is no doubt have I fallen and wandered off the path God has planted for me but I have witnessed God’s merciful and everlasting Love within this community. This community has taught me about who I am and who God calls me to be.

Through my journey with actively serving in CFC-Youth the Lord has blessed me with so many opportunities to serve and has truly pushed me to go over my limits. I’ve been so blessed with serving in this community, whether it was through my households, serving kids, being a youth advocate, and the times the Lord has allowed me to share my personal victory to thousands of youth around the world, truly I must say these 5 years have been blessed.

CFC-Youth has allowed me not only to serve others but to serve God. I have fallen in love with God through the journey He has put me through. It truly amazes me of how beautiful God’s plan works. He amazes me, every single day of my life. Who would have known, 14-year old Nikki, 5 years later, would be where I am now a Mission Volunteer, discerning for Full-time Pastoral Work. I never knew it could be possible. The fear and uncertainty we may feel is nothing compared to the love and grace we receive when we say yes and when we open our hearts and minds to what God has in store. The willingness and the surrender of our yeses allows us to fully place our trust in God. Many times I’ve felt unworthy and doubtful but all these blessings and this beautiful journey God has placed in my life wouldn’t of happened if I didn’t make that one yes to attending my first Youth Camp, 5 years ago. It is only through the faithful yeses we make throughout our lives we may encounter this journey with Christ.

As CFC-Youth, we are all called to journey with the Lord. Allowing His radiance to shine through all clouds in the sky. The Lord simply asks for our YES to journey with Him. Will you follow?

Obey and Witness

“Do whatever He tells you” – John 2:5

Benedictus Deus in Saecula