Tag: confession

Crown of Creation

This past weekend I attended ‘Princess Diaries‘ that Toronto SFC hosted for all the sisters. I was excited to just be a participant and not have to worry about serving. But then a week before the event, Renee, the GTA West Head asked me if I could lead the Praisefest for Saturday night. And you know what happened that whole week before the event? PANIC.

I was so mentally drained from trying to figure out the dynamics of a worship, the order of the songs, the prayers that go before the songs, the appropriate songs, the transitions, and everything else in between. On Friday morning I reached some point of mental desperation and just exasperatedly told God that he really should have chosen someone else.

———————
To understand this more let’s look at the three  desires planted in every woman’s heart:

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a) the desire to be romanced
b) the desire to play an irreplaceable role in an adventure
c) the desire to unveil beauty

Those desires are often misunderstood which is why a lot of sisters end up broken. We turn to the wrong sources to fill the void. I myself sought those desires out in multiple people, men boys who had no other agenda other than to fulfill their own desires.

Fifteen minutes before the session ended (New Heartbeats) He granted me the grace and wisdom to finally see all the pieces come together. And when it finally sank in, I could not contain the peace, joy and love that was pouring out of my own heart!

He said,

“My dearest Therese. These desires are not something to be afraid of. Do not deny yourself these desires because each one will lead you closer to me. Do you not already know that every movement in your heart is known to me? I fashioned that very thing that beats inside of you. Unite it with my sacred heart and will understand better the plans I have for you, as woman.”

 

THE DESIRE TO BE ROMANCED, I placed in you so that you will come to me in Adoration. I will embrace every part of you in the silence. Come to me, and I will pour myself out to you. Do not be afraid to glance out at me for I long to look out at your face. Each time you come, the heavens rejoice. This is where you belong, this is where you are meant to be- here with me. My beloved I have waited for you and you are finally here! Have FAITH that I am here.

THE DESIRE TO PLAY AN IRREPLACEABLE ROLE, I placed in you so that you will come to the House of Worship and receive me in the Holy Eucharist. Come to me exactly as you are. You say to me, Lord but I am broken, battered, shattered.  And His reply: “But I NEED YOU. YES, YOU.” From the moment you receive me on your tongue you become the ultimate living tabernacle and you are NO longer broken, battered, shattered. I pour out my Holy Spirit within you, and my love which is far more precious than gold will bind you back together. There will always be HOPE.

THE DESIRE TO UNVEIL BEAUTY, I placed in you so that you will come to me in Confession. No sin you’ve committed, no sin that you are committing, no sin that you will commit can ever be too much for my cross. Nothing is more beautiful than a woman who humbles herself and acknowledges her weaknesses and limitations. All those layers you choose to hide behind, the masks you choose to wear around you will all be washed away. In every single instance, you come out as clean and pure just as I intended for you to be. I meet you with nothing but LOVE.

Wow. Praise the Lord. I could not contain myself in that tiny little seat. The Lord fulfilled ALL THOSE DESIRES in me within the past 24hrs! He granted me my trinity run; Adoration at Our Lady of Lourdes the night before, Confession before the last session, and Eucharist shortly after. The Lord loved me so much that He made straight my paths right before I stood before my sisters with a heart that was now READY AND WILLING.

“You, eternal trinity, are a deep sea. The more I enter you, the more I discover, and the more I discover, the more I seek you.”- St. Catherine of Siena

Amen.

On Track

Whenever I feel like I’m deviating from the person God wants me to be, I reflect on the beatitudes and virtues to help guide me to be on the right track again.

The beatitudes beautifully describe the character of Jesus. Striving to embody the beatitudes is a practical way of becoming more like Jesus Christ. You can find the list of beatitudes in Matthew 5:3-12.

Meditating on the virtues is important for me as well. They are the benchmarks of living a holy life. It’s good to reflect on the theological (faith, hope, charity) and cardinal (temperance, prudence, justice, fortitude) virtues. I always ask myself “where am I in terms of the virtues? Have I made progress? Where do I lack? How is God helping me to grow in them?” I have found that thinking about the virtues often helps me to advance in them daily.

My hope at the end of ever year is to able to think back at the start of the year and be able to say I’m not the same person. Not because of where I live, or the new responsibilities I have, but because I have grown in the beatitudes and virtues. I have grown to be more like Christ.

I must add, that reflecting on the beatitudes and virtues is a good way to get back on track. However, the best and surest way, and the first place to start is always Confession. For me, availing of this Sacrament is essential because I am a sinner, and I sin every day. Confession reconciles us back to God. We must always start with our relationship with Him and rely fully on His graces. Without His grace we can do nothing. It’s His grace that helps us grow in the virtues and forms us in the beatitudes—and essentially—into the person of His Son, Jesus Christ, in Mary our Mother.

Grace! Mercy! Love! Mercy keeps the door open to the fullness of God’s love and graces to be superabundantly poured into our hearts. Let us be merciful so that God will show the same mercy.

Start with God. Make sure there is nothing in the way of your relationship with Him. Let His merciful Love embrace and make everything new. Love Him first and the rest will follow 🙂 We don’t need to wait for the new year or even for an extravagant event to happen in our lives. He is waiting for us in Confession to forgive us of those sins that have been hindering our relationship with Him. He is thirsting for us in the Eucharist to give us Himself,  and to sanctify our lives!

To be on track is not about “doing me” but about “being me,” and I can only be myself if I look to the One who knew me even before I was born and Who knit me in my mother’s womb. Who knows when I sit and when I stand and Who has prepared a place for me in Heaven.

Lord, have mercy on me, a sinner. Jesus, I trust in you. Amen.

P.S. A good indicator that we are growing in the beatitudes and virtues is if our lives are bearing the fruits of the Holy Spirit which are “love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control.” (Galatians 5:22-23)

Zion.

I just came from Hillsong United’s Zion concert, and it had a very profound effect on me. It was something unexpected for sure. Having been listening to Hillsong for most of my YFC life, it’s hard not to dream that one day you’ll worship with the band who actually made the songs. And they did not disappoint, the lights were on point, the songs sounded like they came off a CD played on loud speakers, they sang some of their old songs and of course their new songs. If I was in the same concert 5 years ago, I would’ve easily said that this was the best experience of my life. But tonight, everything about it was off.

I understand that Hillsong is a different church altogether, that I had to do the sign of the cross myself when they started and ended. I knew that, and I was okay with that. In one of their first few songs however, I found myself crying, not because of the song being sung – which was musically beautiful by the way – but because there was a real longing and realization of the truth.

I cried not because it was a song I would play when I wanted to be in prayer, but because today was a Tuesday. Tuesday is the one day of the week that I go to Adoration, Confession, and Mass aside from my Sunday obligation. I cried because I thought I made the better decision in spending my Tuesday night in Hamilton with thousands to “worship” The Lord, only to realize I left The Lord at the altar waiting for me for our weekly date. You see, I realized that though worship is beautiful and should be done, it fails in comparison to the actual presence of God in the blessed Sacrament. To actually behold Him in adoration, to be reunited with Him in confession, and to be offered Him in the Eucharist. No amount of jumping up and down can compare to being with the real presence of Jesus in the blessed Sacrament.

The Eucharist is the source and summit of the Christian life. – CCC 1324

The mountain upon which the City of God is built is called Zion. But its source and summit will always be the Eucharist.

And I say this with complete confidence because I say this in the Name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.

And let all the people say, Amen.

This blog is originally hosted on my personal blog at http://www.kevinmuico.com/2013/11/13/zion/

Trinity Run

Winter is fast approaching, and I can already feel my body starting to switch over to hibernation mode. Soon enough it’ll be too hard to get up out of bed, nearly impossible to escape out of those double duvets. Tis the season for excusing our way out of health habits.

I used to run regularly to maintain some sort of physical activity but that died down since who knows when. Spring is always difficult to face after long winters because of the three month break. I personally loathe treadmills and will refuse to get on one. I’d rather wait. I much rather prefer the great outdoors, but Toronto winter weather does very little to help with that. Daylight savings mean shorter days and longer nights. It takes approximately two weeks to adjust. My body is definitely losing on this front.

Our spiritual health suffers from the same changes. We have cycles where we’re going  strong- we’ve found some sort of groove with our prayer time and involvement with the sacraments. At these moments, our relationship with Christ is toned and trimmed. Excess weight cut off. The closer we get to Christ the less baggage we carry- our material and worldly desires no longer necessary. We are tied down to less.

But then, at some point, we face an itch of sorts. An itch that just needs to be scratched. A craving that just needs to be satisfied. A thirst that needs to be quenched. But instead of reaching for the healthy & obvious choice of water we go for the Coke. Pepsi. Ginger Ale. Root Beer.  And just like that, our impenetrable fortress comes crashing down. Why? Because we foolishly ignored that cracked wooden frame that started to break- little by little. It was easier to feign ignorance to something that needed fixing. It’s easier to give in and let our human needs win.

“I’m only doing it once.” I still exercise anyway. Cheating won’t hurt.” 

That’s what I realize happened to me. And for some reason or another, I kept making excuses and reasoned my way out of a very fruitful, beautiful prayer habit. It only took one small “set back”. I cut down my prayer time, my weekday church dates, and adoration drop ins so that I could bulk up on old habits which I knew were only going to get me in worse (spiritual) shape.

Negative thoughts filled my head. I became impatient, moody, and lethargic. Two weeks passed since my last confession, and although I knew I needed it PRONTO …my body would magically (temporarily) shake off the anxiety. It made me think I could keep going. Nyeh, it can wait.

Nope.

Confession is our detox. Our body needs to get rid of built up toxins the same way our soul needs to get rid of impurities. Getting through it is tough, but we always come out healthier afterwards. Praise God, for God because I finally went for that detox round. He knew I needed it. And I knew I needed it. The hardest step is always the first, the hardest run is always the most dreadful.

Our prayer life can be a long outstretched summer. However if we trip and fall into the darkness of winter, we shouldn’t despair. We don’t have to endure three months of waiting. We can choose to fast forward to spring.  My winter lasted 8 days too long, but today’s TRINITY RUN (adoration, confession and Holy Eucharist) allowed me to see the Son rise gloriously. Thankfully, our salvation and redemption is not bound by time, because we are loved by a God whose love is endless and timeless. 

 “A clean heart is a free heart. A free heart can love Christ with an undivided love in chastity, convinced that nothing and nobody will separate it from His love.”
-Blessed Teresa of Calcutta

Home.

With the amount of times that I’ve had to travel within an eighteen month time frame, most people would assume that I no longer suffer from homesickness. The past three trips (2009, 2012, 2013a) have been by myself; the shortest trip lasting 8 weeks and the longest lasting 6 months. Most people base their judgement on my social media posts and are probably thinking, “Dang, she is living the life.”

Well, reality check: I still suffer from homesickness. I still feel somewhat lost even though I’ve revisited Place A, B and C more than a handful of times. I still feel out of place in a room full of old friends and the nausea that accompanies displacement is very much real.

All those things still exist. Even now. Even when my family is here with me. We all haven’t been together in a very, very long time. Dad’s had to work out of town for the past 2 years and my brother’s had to live away at Waterloo ever since he started his Undergrad. And me, well…..I’ve been traveling to PH.

A few days into our family trip here, I was still feeling so bothered. My temper kept getting the best of me. I grew impatient and volatile. I couldn’t understand it. Shouldn’t my family have cushioned the hypothetical “emotional blow” that always hit me during my trips? Shouldn’t the weird jumble of emotions have stopped because I was with my loved ones? The anger and frustration drained me so much that one night, I decided to just leave the group. The innermost depths of me was craving for something. I didn’t know what that something was, but what I did know was that going to God wouldn’t leave me any more desolate than I already was. So I looked for a church.

I ended up at Sto. Rosario. I got through confession. I kneeled at the Adoration Chapel. I sat through Mass and received Holy Eucharist. And you know what? For the first time I felt good. Not just ice-cream-on-a-hot-sunny-day good, but ‘passing my final exam with flying colours and making the honour roll’ kinda good. I was a fish out of water that suddenly found my way back to the water. I could breathe again.

As I contemplated at the Adoration Chapel I was reminded of a promise I made to Him during the SFC precon praisefest. It just so happened to my birthday too. I told God that I was willing to finally give Him the one part of me that I hadn’t let go of yet- a very specific piece of my heart that was put on reserve. I didn’t have the strength to fight that fourteen year battle any more. It took me that long to surrender. That day He said to me, “Exodus 14:14, my beloved. Do not forget. I will fight for you, you need only to be still.

In the presence of the Eucharist and in front of the altar, I felt God whisper me to me, “Therese, my dearest Therese. You silly stubborn girl. Remember what you offered at the foot of my cross weeks ago? Remember that you promised me you’d finally give that last piece to me? Home is where the heart is and yours just so happens to be with me. It’s safe. It’s in my hands now. I’m happy that you finally found your back. My child, right now at this very moment …you are home. I’ve been waiting.”

All the puzzle pieces fit.
It all made sense.
I felt this sudden rush of peace, of final certainty.

Everything in this world is temporary. Even my family. But God, God is infinite. God is timeless, boundless and endless. I am made to stand in His presence, to bask in the love that is always present in His house.

 

Father, I’m coming home.
Amen. 

The light that leads

“If you haven’t surrendered it to God, then you’ve surrendered it to someone else.”

I recently attended the GTA Area Core SHouT this past weekend and there are not enough words in the dictionary to describe the plethora of events that happened within those 5 days. So I’ll just use one: enlightened.

You know when you’re at a sleepover and everyone’s already passed out cold on the beds and floors. The morning after is hard to get through. You’re tired and exhausted. You have some sort of consciousness- awake but not really. It’s not until someone draws the blinds or curtains to expose the harsh sunlight rays that you feel the urgency to get up. It’s already half past noon and you’ve just wasted half the day away.

That’s how my recent experience with Christ was at SHouT. He turned on the lights. The light allowed me to see everything that was in that room, rather…my life. Enlightened- one’s ability to be spiritually aware. The Lord allowed me to see His plans for me that much clearer.

But see, when you turn on the lights EVERYTHING gets exposed, not just the good stuff. You don’t have a choice. But God is a god of light and peace- The truth, His truth is exposed in all its glory.

I’m facing the skeletons in my closet right now, some I thought I buried a long time ago but really just put a drape over. God’s light drew me to these areas, the crevices and corners, the edges and cracks. The small things count, because to God everything matters. As much as it hurts me to pull out long overdue band aids, I know that with His love I’ll finally be able to heal properly.

“Ate, it’s like when you make a paper boat and then you put it in the water. That’s how you’ll know if your boat is good or not. It might start to sink because of a hole, but all you have to do is just take it out and then patch up whatever holes exist.”

It had to happen this way for me. This was God’s way of telling me to patch up those holes so that my boat could float. How else can I be a better person or leader if I don’t allow God to shine His light on every single area of my life, even the dark sides- the ones I don’t want to look at. In this way, I can confidently go out and allow the God in me to shine.

Send out your light and your truth; let them guide me.- Psalm 43:3

Heaviness

deadlift

     “Why do we go to the gym? To exercise and become stronger. When you are standing in front of the weights and you are about to lift them, you don’t expect them to be easy to lift right? Of course not! You expect them to be heavy. You expect to struggle. But after you finish your set, you will return another day and lift heavier weights. It is the same with temptations. We should never expect the temptations to be easy, they will always be hard to overcome. However, whenever we are victorious, we will be ready to face heavier temptations. We should embrace temptations joyfully and know that we will become stronger because of them.”

     I honour those who are able to go to Confession immediately after they know they have sinned. It’s like applying alcohol immediately after you receive a wound (and a deep wound at that!). I have a tendency of intentionally waiting for the scheduled Confession times and I realized how cowardly I am! It would be understandable if the priest was unavailable or my schedule would not allow me to go, but the intention should be there.

     Lord, grant me the humility to place the salvation of others and my own as the top priority in my life.

     The Lord graciously paved a way for me to go to Confession right after I realized my sin. As I headed to the parish, I knew that the Lord would “slap me in the face,” in the way He would adjust my attitude towards my wrongs and remind me to be accountable for my actions. Honestly, there is always a small part of me that is extremely scared to own up to my actions (generally replacing accountability with excuses), because my humanity produces thoughts of the possibility that the Lord may not forgive me this time. We will never completely grasp His unconditional love for us and the length of His infinite mercy.

     The priest who received my Confession gave me the spiritual direction that was mentioned in the beginning (paraphrased of course). I’ve never looked at temptation in this way. I can then look at the evil one with confidence knowing that the Lord has allowed these temptations to come my way, only as a way for me to strengthen my faith and ultimately closer to Him. Praise God for temptations.

Lord, allow me to remain steadfast in spiritual battles. May I have confidence in your never ending mercy and trust in your immense love for me. Thank You for the times that I have fallen and most especially for allowing me the grace to come back to You every time.