Lately, I find that I’m facing a lot of struggles with everyone around me. Many of my friends and my loved ones, both in the CFC Youth community and out, have been questioning their faith and some of the testimonies of others. For some, it is mainly because they feel like nothing significant is happening to them, and then I just so happened to be the one they confront or vent out to. Because I’m so deeply rooted in my own faith journey, it really hurts me when I hear the things I do. It was even to the point that my sister was also questioning a lot of things, and even some things from my own life, and that hurt most because she is my “home girl’, my best friend, my better half (because there’s only 2 of us in the family haha, get it?), and the very person who began to bring me to my faith. So to see her pull away or become sceptical was something that truly hurt and took me aback. I remember thinking, “What can I say to her? What can I advise her?” But even when I prayed about it, nothing came to mind. It’s like as if the Lord wanted me to be silent.
I prayed to the Lord, asking why this was happening because it honestly didn’t make any sense. And despite of all of the different scenarios I tried to make out if it, the only thing I found Him doing was smiling. I recalled a Psalm that He led me to a few days ago – Psalm 55 – and it stated this:
“My heart is in anguish within me…Fear and trembling come upon me, and horror overwhelms me…It is not an enemy who taunts me — then I could bear it; it is not an adversary who deals with me — then I could hide from him. But it is you,my equal, my companion, my familiar friend. We used to hold sweet converse together; within God’s house we walked in fellowship.”
I remember thinking, “Lord, you’re funny! You know I would love to have all these things in the Scriptures become so real to me, but why Lord, why is it that the one that becomes soooo so real is the one all about anguish and pain from these emotions and encounters with others and what not?? Why not 1 Corinthians 13 (as a joke, of course!)??” And then I read on..
“Cast your burden on the Lord, and He will sustain you; He will never permit the righteous to be moved.”
– Psalm 55: 22
I realized that yes, the Lord wanted me to be silent, but the point of that silence is not to tease me, but to allow myself to be led to Him. I decided that despite of the sense I couldn’t make out of it, or whether it was a test or not, I would just lift it up to the Lord. Not just my worries with my sister, but with my family and my friends, and everything and everyone else. Surely enough, He continued to make the Psalm come more to life for me. It began to be a living testimony (haha).
Yesterday, because my sister was unable to go to anticipated Mass on Saturday (since Sports Praise was the following day), she was the only one in my family who still needed to go to mass. She asked me if I wanted to go with her. Usually, I can’t because I made plans with sisters from the GTA core or I had a meeting, but this time, I had a choice. Some people were asking me to hang out after Sports Praise, but I felt the need to go with my sister instead (1. Because I was free; 2. I haven’t been able to spend a lot of time with family at all lately). So I decided to go. When we were at Mass, there was a point that she grabbed my hand and just leaned on my shoulder and smiled. And then when we were driving home, we were able to talk about faith, which is something we couldn’t comfortably do for a while. When we arrived home we stayed in the car for a but, and she then began to tear up.
She asked, “Ate, how do you know? How do you know it’ll be okay, and that all of this is from God?”
I answered, “There is never a day that passes that I can say, ‘I know 100% that this is going to happen exactly at this time and exactly this way because He says so,’ because He never does that. All I know is that He has always been asking me to trust in Him. Because I know that He loves me, I know He will never lead me to anything that won’t bring me peace, and because I am at peace even though ‘I don’t know’, I trust and know that He is there, so I trust Him with everything I have… including any insecurities, thoughts, and whatever else there may be.”
She then paused, and asked if we could go to the balcony to talk even more about it. And I just knew that everything would be okay. That He is taking care of literally everything in my life.
Reflecting on this, I read the Psalm once again, and noticed the last line,
“But I will trust in thee.”
Lord, Despite of all the things I don’t know or the things I can’t comprehend, I will trust in Thee, and I know that in this, I will be okay. “You are Mine, and I am yours.”
