True North Missionaries Journal

I can never be still. Being still to me is as unnatural as breathing under water. I just can’t do it without much struggle. Being unemployed for the past 3-4 weeks now has driven me completely insane. I thrived when I had a routine, some sort of schedule to follow.

My body has clued in to my open schedule and is claiming post-university sleep coupons. I get more than the usual 8hrs of sleep and as relaxing as this should be, I find myself more restless and agitated than usual. The uncertainty of where my future lies scares me so much. I keep thinking about where I’m going, in what direction I’m heading to, and how I’m getting there. My heart has been all over the place and I’ve been desperate for some sort of comfort.

At 4am yesterday (or this morning, rather) I ended up eating everything in sight. I ate Seaweed Pringles. I had three generous servings of Pistachio Ice cream and four big bites of double chocolate chip brownies.

Still nothing. My heart was still restless.

Then I came across my Words of Comfort for Everyday Book. Luckily I found it just before attending mass. I knelt down before the Lord, and this was the message:

God knows how to take care of us, but half the time we don’t let him. Our pride gets in the way and we don’t ask the one thing we should every time our anxieties or worries kick in, “Father, help me help myself.”  I can just picture God waiting patiently for a child talking to herself, making sense of the picture she just drew. “I want to draw this, but I just can’t!!!”

Oh the frustration.
But that’s what He does.
He just waits for us to get tired, and finally sit still.
White flags raised.

And I guess I didn’t completely raise my white flag until fifteen minutes ago. A line ran through my head, and my fingers flipped and skimmed through my bible until I found this:

Okay God, you win.
Thanks for the comfort food.

” Montréal “
Thursday, September 19, 2013

It was early Wednesday morning, around 8:00 a.m. as I headed towards the Train to Montréal at Penn Station along with my special travel companion.
I took a last whiff of New York’s scent…
Hot dogs, pizza, and garbage.
Right before I stepped into the train, I had to pause for a moment because
I felt a gnaw in my heart.
Oddly enough…the same feeling I was experiencing the day before.
As I took a step into the train
I looked back once more until the doors slowly closed behind me.
I dragged my feet as I headed towards my seat and
Reluctantly rolled my luggage behind me.
Once I got to my seat,
I sat by the window and looked out.
So many emotions running through my body…
I was speechless.
I looked out…and looked up.
He knew.

This whole trip…
I tried so hard to avoid the gnaw in my heart.
I would distract myself with food, other topics, other issues…
It made it difficult for me to reflect on what
The Lord was really trying to tell me this entire trip.
All I wanted to do was close my eyes and walk.
And so I did…
I closed my eyes and slept for most of the train ride back to Montréal.

 

It was already about 7:40 pm that evening,
It was dark out and the sun had already set and I didn’t even notice. My eyes were still shut. I was half asleep when I heard the conductor announced,
“We will be arriving in MONTREAL train station shortly!”
I woke up in a panic at the same time trying to keep my cool and get my things ready…
I thought to myself…
That 10 hour trip flew right before my eyes.
I stopped what I was doing
I noticed the view coming up on the other side of the window
My eyes widened

The sky wasn’t completely pitch black
The mix of lights from the city
Created a sort of navy blue hue around the island
The water was glistening
The light-trails resting on the water
Formed a path which led my eyes to follow the lights on the buildings
Going from left to right
Which I realized traced a silhouette of a

MOUNT…a mountain.

I was encouraged to look up at the beauty of the city
The city that I left 2 weeks ago

The gnaw at my heart appeared once again
This time I knew why.
I turned to my companion and whispered,
” We’re home, reality awaits us.”
As we locked eyes we both knew what I meant, and we continued gazing at the skyline.

This time…with eyes wide open.

 

I finally arrived, my family picked me up at the station…the rest of them waiting for me at the house, the food was prepared and all they were waiting for was for me to eat. As I sat down on my chair…it was as if I was still siting in the train looking out the window…as I sat in my chair, I glanced at each person in the room…

I smiled and thought to myself
This was part of the reality that awaits me…

 

That night, as I lay flat on my back in my bed
I looked up
Clenched my sheets with both hands and
Closed my eyes as the clock struck 12:00 a.m.
This marked the beginning of my 25th year of life
My eyes still remained shut
I took a deep breathe and all I could think of was,
” This is it…”

I was home
Where everything first started
MONTREAL awaits me
The REAL MOUNTAIN awaits me
My REAL MOUNTAIN awaits me
It was hard for me to see it from within
I was only able to appreciate it from afar

This time I heard
The Lord whisper in my ear
“Don’t be afraid to open your eyes and open your heart”

So I immediately opened my eyes…
In front of me was a painting of a tree…
Then I was reminded by the beauty that I experienced the past two weeks
And the beauty that still awaits me.

 

“Lord God, allow me to continuous open my eyes to the things I do not see and things you have called me to witness. May my heart also be in-tuned with what I am called to witness with my eyes. May I not shy away from the wondrous mountain that you have set in front of me and also be able to climb it knowing that you will be at the top waiting for me. With every mount, comes beauty. The Lord calls me to open my eyes to the mountains in front of me and open my heart to beauty that surrounds me. Thank you Lord. Amen :)”

“The Real Mountain”

The last month has been the biggest test mentally, physically, and spiritually. Although being away from having much of a “social” life, these are the things I have been able to see while being on the sidelines. (Some of these might not make sense, more for my own personal reflection)

1. Was able to have a one on one with one of my couple coordinators. Praise God. So much to learn, as they have so much to give. I really cherish that moment.

2. Spending my times with my mission areas. Praise God. I’m honestly so thankful and so happy to be able to reach to new brothers and sisters. The Spirit is constantly moving, and I can see flames in each new brother and sister I serve along side with.

3. The growth of those I hold dear to me. Praise God. They may not see it, but being able to just sit back and watch you guys be constantly busy, but moving in the Spirit, Praise God that you are sharing the love that I have received from you guys.

4. More time with family. Praise God. Family first.

5. Too much time alone. Praise God anyways. I’m beginning to understand my role now not just in service, but as a friend, son, brother, etc etc. I’ve been re-fining myself, to align myself with You.

6. Work. Praise God. I have amazing co-workers that I can talk to, laugh with, and connect with.

7. Faith. Praise You, Lord. You’ve given me everything. Why should I question?

Lord. Thank You. I understand through trial, you are constantly molding me. May I stand in true faith, hope, love, humility, fortitude. Amen.

 

 

 

Preparing for my Mom’s 50th Birthday this weekend was one of the most adventurous things I’ve done. In a matter of a week and a half – because that’s when my dad told me he was throwing her not ONE, but TWO surprise birthday parties – my Dad, my sister and myself were able to completely plan the two parties, and I was able to make a cake for my Mom. It became stressful at times,  but nothing made me more stressed than when I left to pick up the food.

When I left the first restaurant, literally about an hour before I had to be back home, the breaks began to fail. Thankfully, they didn’t completely stop working, (Praise God!) but it wasn’t working enough that when I’d press down on them completely, it would still take a while for the van to completely stop. Sometimes, if I pressed down a little too hard, it would stop working completely and the van would slide a bit. I still had to go to the next restaurant, but when I arrived there, leaving me with 30 minutes left (which is how long it takes to get home from where I was, using the highway), I decided that I needed to take the side roads to be safe. Thankfully, I wasn’t alone; my Ninong (meaning “Godfather”) was with me.

So here we were, driving, and I’m looking at the time, panicking, and my Ninong all of sudden said, “Why are you worrying? Let’s pray!” (SURPRISE #1) This was such a blessing to me because he and I never prayed together before, but when we did, he knew just what to say and it began to calm me. And then a little later, he noticed that I was still worried. So, out of nowhere, he suddenly said, “Why are you still worrying? We’ve prayed to the Lord, and He will keep us safe! Remember, ‘For truly I tell you, if you have faith the size of a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move; and nothing will be impossible for you,” (taken from Matthew 17:20) (SURPRISE #2) Again, I have never really prayed together with my Ninong before, and not only does he offer to pray and even lead the prayer; He suddenly threw the perfect Bible verse at me, EXACTLY when I needed it!

So the plan for the surprise was that we would set the house up after my Mom left for choir practice and choir at Mass at St. Benedict’s (located directly across the street from our house), but when I came home, I realized ALL of the parents who would help us set up, except my Ninong, were actually also part of the choir practice with my Mom so that left me, my Sister, my Ninong, Ali, Zach, and Jared to move tables and chairs from one room to another, and from the basement to the 1st floor, decorate the foyer and the 1st floor, while I still had to finish the cake. And we only had less than an hour! I don’t know how it happened, but with faith and confidence in the Lord, we still found joy and laughter in the moment which should have brought panic, and it happened so perfectly (SURPRISE #2)! As soon as we were finishing, Zach spotted my Mom, and although it was just us at first, we stood by the door, and as she entered, we screamed “SURPRISE!!!!” (SURPRISE #3) And then, all of a sudden, EVERYONE began to flood in! She suspected something, but she thought it would be for Sunday. And little did she know that there really also is another surprise party on Sunday, but with our relatives.

So Sunday came, and she came back from cash counting (counting the tithes) from St. Benedict’s and when she walked in, she stood there, frozen with eyes wide open as we screamed, “SURPRISE!!!!!!” (SURPRISE #4) Although she expected there would be a surprise, and half expected the one on Saturday, little did she know there was a greater plan behind what she “expected”.

You see, my family has almost always been so tightly knit together. We try to always eat as many meals as possible together, we try to save a day each week or a certain block where it’s just family time – no cell phones, no laptops… nothing that can distract – and we’d either watch a movie together, play a board game, go out to eat, or even clean together. And lately, I began to worry because my Mom wasn’t always happy, and she and my dad would argue a lot, but through this weekend, through the stress, adrenaline rushes, but ultimately above all, love, my parents were able to really put all things aside and mend their bond (SURPRISE #5). I witnessed an expression of love without having to use words, and felt warm with His love, through my parents…

Looking at what my experience this weekend, it made me realize that this is what it is every day with the Lord:

1. In the preparation of things, sometimes, it’s as simple as reminding myself to stop over-thinking. In faith, I must believe everything has been, and always will be in His hands. It has all been planned out. Even the littlest things (like the drive back when the brakes on the van broke) are in His hands, especially when we lift it up to Him in prayer. Sometimes, we just need to have a little faith (as my Ninong reminded me – Matthew 17: 20)!
2. In every moment of celebration… Sometimes, I am so thankful to be in the moment that I’m in, and little do I ever remember that the Lord will ALWAYS have a greater plan for us, and it will ALWAYS be something we do not expect. Because of this, I must always be grateful, even at the times when I reach what I think to be the greatest level of joy, peace, and happiness. Our God is a perfect God, and being a being of imperfection, I will never know what is truly perfect here on earth, except the love of my Father. I must never expect because the Lord will blindsight me with something greater, and if I expect or assume, I will fail to see the greater plan the Lord has set for me.
3. Our God is the only one who can give us a life-long, life-giving, never-ending celebration because with Him, there is always something to celebrate. SUPRISE #6: At the end of the day, after we finished cleaning up for the day, my family and I (just the four of us, with our great Lord) ended the day with a worship… a celebration after the celebration.

I know it’s been said many times, but I cannot stop smiling in saying that OUR GOD IS A GOD OF SUPRISES. Life is a gift from the Lord, and when we take care of it and lift it up to Him, acknowledging that EVERYTHING, including every breath, every victory, every pain, every PLAN is His, He will surprise us, especially when we don’t expect it.

“For surely I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans for your welfare and not for harm, to give you a future with hope.“
– Jeremiah 29:11

Every morning, every new day in the Mission feels as unpredictable as the next. Never knowing where exactly you’ll be  (travelling to and from places), who you will see.  Time never feels my own (and it isn’t), and waking up to the Unknown is daunting.

I’ve come to realize that the grace to say “Yes” to my Calling every day will come from the Heart. My response to the Lord may start as a mind exercise, but in the end (hopefully!) it ultimately triggers that “part” of me that pulsates of love for the Lord.

• Prayer is a surge of the heart. (St-Therese Lisieux)
• “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind.” (Mt 22:27)

Singled minded for God, single “hearted” for God.  A Resolution must be paired with Relationship.   If we are full of anything but Love of the Lord, than serving, or saying “yes”, will be difficult. It’s not about What we will encounter that should shake us with fear, but Who we will encounter that will make feel “kiligs”…for He is Love Himself.  Love is the strength to overcome fears.

 

Yesterday’s reading can really summarize a purpose to our mission with our youth and ourselves.  Here it is once again…

1 Timothy 4: 12-16 Let no one despise your youth, but set the believers an example in speech and conduct, in love, in faith, in purity. Until I arrive, give attention to the public reading of scripture, to exhorting, to teaching.   Do not neglect the gift that is in you, which was given to you through prophecy with the laying on of hands by the council of elders.  Put these things into practice, devote yourself to them, so that all may see your progress.  Pay close attention to yourself and to your teaching; continue in these things, for in doing this you will save both yourself and your hearers.

How else do we be examples to others?  By living the example of Christ and continuing the mission he has set for us.  What a blessing it is to be a part of His great plans.  We’re so blessed to be in this community teaching us the faith and helping us practice this faith in which we journey in.   Everything we say and do must be a practice in which we also follow.

@itsmetimmm