True North Missionaries Journal

We all fall…a lot.

Since lent started, the thing that has come up a lot lately is, worthiness. We often feel guilt when we sin, and end up pushing the Lord away. We feel ashamed, ugly, and unworthy of God’s love.

“No one, however weak, is denied a share in the victory of the cross. No one is beyond the help of the prayer of Christ.” – St. Leo the Great

When I came across this quote on Tuesday, I realized that God actually seeks us more when we are at low points in our lives. He loves  and seeks us more when we are weak, so we can find strength in Him. Worthiness of God’s love is not measured by how much we serve Him or how many sins we’ve committed. Jesus died for ALL of us, so there is NO MEASURE.

Yeah, I know. It sounds so cliché. But forreal, our God is a simple God. He just wants us to be honest and own up to our flaws and weaknesses. He won’t love us any less for being weak. It just wouldn’t make sense. John 3:16, yo!

It’s so fitting that it’s Lent. We are given the opportunity to practice humility and simplicity, which are qualities of the Lord, as we go live up to our lenten promises. Whether we give something up or take up something, we are growing in Him. Our growth then outweighs our weakness! Now, how can we not be worthy after that?

The other day, I caught myself staring at a Eucharistic Minister (not for the reasons that you assume :P). I couldn’t take me eyes off him – he was very tall; he had dark curly hair, and he had an aura to him that made him look like some kind of angel (I honestly couldn’t even tell if he was male or female).  As he was distributing the Eucharistic, I noticed that he looked so intimately and intently in each person’s eyes and shared the Lord with so much joy – such an inviting gaze. I imagine that the Lord would probably have the same loving disposition. How delighted he must be when he is given the chance to be united with us and to shower us with his infinite graces! And how many times have I refused this loving invitation?

Lord, I approach you with so much hesitation because of my sinful nature, but I can’t help but feel that the feeling of unworthiness in itself is preventing me from approaching you without reserve and with true confidence.

All those times I’ve refused your personal invitation into your heart… For all the times I’ve failed to understand the remedy and healing that comes from receiving the Eucharistic for my weak soul. Lord, I want to accept every invitation that you ever extend to me, for I know that you are a God that does not seek a perfect disposition but a heart of good will.  Let my heart be one with yours.

I have been blessed with the opportunity to be trained for full-time pastoral work. I am currently at the airport gate trying to put to words all the emotions, affirmations and messages I’ve received from the Lord in my prayer time and through His people.
Everything happened pretty quickly. It was only 3.5 weeks ago that I found out there was an opportunity for me to be assigned somewhere. Next thing I know, I’m having interviews and in the span of a few days, I have to make the decision to leave my engineering position and pursue pastoral mission work.

I’ve been with my former company for about 2.5 years. Doesn’t seem like a long time but in that time, the Lord really made known my innate desires of mission. The position also helped me develop as a professional and contribute to several projects which I can stand behind with a sense of accomplishment.

But looking back at it now, I know that the Lord has been always asking something more of me. And maybe that’s why I didn’t have much hesitation leaving work. I had no negative feelings towards the work or the people I worked with but I certainly knew that there was something more. So when I gave my two week notice, my boss, although caught off guard, admired what I was doing – answering a calling. He affirmed me in my development as an engineer and said that this experience would make me an even better engineer, should I choose to go back to that profession. Similar feelings were echoed by the clients I directly worked with and this made my decision to leave easier because of the peace I would leave with knowing that people supported me. And I barely knew them!

In a similar way, I was able to share this conviction and peace with my extended family. It was brought up with my parents consistently throughout the year but specifically, at the foot of their bed for this news. Afterwards I drove straight to my girlfriends house and shared with her and her family the news. Each instance was received well and it helped that they knew I was discerning about this for quite some time. To be able to share every single desire and conviction in my heart with complete openness, and having them support and encourage me, affirmed and strengthened the peace and joy that I received when I said YES.

If you asked me 1 year ago how I feel about full time pastoral work, I would probably say it isn’t for me. But I’ve learned that the Lord uses every day experiences to speak to me. Through my many faults, many victories, many heartaches, and many moments of happiness, the Lord revealed a desire that He planted in me when I was born.

I believe that every person is made to love God. In different moments of our life, we are called to love God in different, but concrete ways. Sometimes it’s through our studies, or by being a good son/daughter. For others, loving God is by getting married and having a family, or becoming religious or even a priest. But each person’s calling, although similar in state, are so unique and personal. For me, I am called to love God as a full time pastoral worker.

God will call and will continue to call me. He will call me to places that may seem unfamiliar or scary. He may also call me to places of familiarity or peace. Wherever and whenever He calls me, it is always with a purpose. I love planning and being one step ahead. But this experience has helped me to really let God lead me.

Wherever I am called to, I can go there with a sense of peace and joy because He promises to be with me to the end of the age. That promise is enough for me to live each day with joy. He is my strength.

Today I was scheduled to work from 1-9pm. Usually I have Wednesday evenings off because that is when the upper core schedules our service team meetings and households. This week unfortunately my schedule was switched around to an evening shift which meant I would miss my sisters household.

As I started my day I felt really sad because I was missing household. Once I was at work I was reflecting on how I’ve been having a tough week and felt the need to be at household tonight.

During my shift, my household head and a sister from my household came from to visit me after having a one on one. “We’ll miss you tonight!” “Aww man, I really want to be there”

I wanted to go to household. I felt that The Lord was calling me to be there. I needed to be there.

After they left I silently prayed to myself, “Lord if I’m meant to be there tonight, I know you will make it happen.”

As I was getting off at work, my mom called me asking if I needed to get picked up from the skytrain. I told her yes. Few minutes after, I got a call from a sister from my household telling me that they just finished worship and that I could still make it…

Wow really God?! Your timing is so perfect! Everything could not of been more perfect.

I didn’t think I’d be able to make it to household but God paved a way!!

I was filled with joy. God is good!

As I was commuting to my sisters house I felt so happy and so joyful. Funny enough once I arrived the teaching for the night was on joy.

Seeking the joy in our sufferings. Shining light on the struggles and trials we face on a daily basis.

Although my week started off rough, I know that this was Gods way of revealing me the beauty of suffering.

He wanted me to remain joyful because He planned everything perfectly and for me to experience the fullness of His will.

He was testing my patience and how much I really trusted in Him.

“Don’t you believe that I will provide for you?”

This simple reflection has allowed me to just trust, have faith, and understand that God really has a plan. When all of our own plans fail, He will have something better prepared and it will work out for the best. He wants the best for us.

“No one who ever said to God, ‘Thy will be done’ and meant it with his heart, ever failed to find joy.”

Thank You God!!

Benedictus Deus in Saecula

A message from the Lord that might be of good use for reflection:

“My child, everyone must take a reasonable care for himself. In time of temptation arouse yourself,  warn yourself, guard yourself and avoid idleness. No matter how much you do for others, do not neglect yourself altogether. Beware of too much talking. Whenever possible, try to be alone with Me. Take advantage of My presence. YOU POSSESS HIM WHOM THE WHOLE WORLD CANNOT TAKE FROM YOU. I am worth more than everything else put together.” p.64 “My Daily Bread”

Thank you Jesus. Amen.

Five days left until the (second) most awaited event of the year for Metro. This Regional Youth Conference is so close to my heart for so many different reasons. It was three years ago that I fatefully stepped in during a worship; those 45 minutes were more than enough for God to pull me back to the community.

I went home that night and couldn’t understand why God would call me, of all people, after being lost for so many years. I wasn’t even supposed to end up there. I remember how I looked at a bible and opened the pages. It landed on Matthew 7:7. Coincidentally, three years later I am not going to be there by accident, rather very much on purpose.

People always anticipate the calm before the storm, but I feel like for the last week and a half it’s just been all about braving one crazy one. The attacks are so personal. I’ve gotten into some unexpected conflict with those close to me, my job has me stressing to the point of sickness, and the biggest most deeply rooted hurt in my heart has again resurfaced, now of all times. Also, my pencil case is missing (if you know me, you know that’s enough to drive me up the wall & throw me off the loop!). I’ve been so distracted by my internal struggles. I’ve been even more anxious not having my pens- what I consider vital to my journaling and prayer time.

How. Will. I . Cope.

———–

Yesterday I reached a point where I just felt so discouraged, so broken, so aggravated. My migraine was two days old. I asked myself why I bothered to care so much. I knew this was part of the spiritual warfare- I was aware of how everyone else around me was starting to get attacked head on too.

I picked up my rosary, and it was there that my Why‘s were answered:

The Annunciation
The angel appeared to Mary asking her to carry out a purpose specific to her. She said yes without hesitation. In my own way, I’ve been asked to carry out a responsibility and role both in my sector and area, and as a missionary
….for Humility.

The Visitation
Mary visited Elizabeth even if she was far away. She knew her cousin needed her now more than ever. In my own way, I’ve been indirectly shown two individuals to personally look after. Unexpected as they came into my life during the busiest weeks of the year, God’s calling for me to accountable is crystal clear
…for Love of Others.

The Birth of Jesus
Born in a manger, not even a crib in sight. I too am called to bring Christ to  life in the harsh, hostile, chaotic environment of my job. It is never comfortable, but this is where I must be right now
…for Love of God

The Presentation of Jesus
Mary had to present her son Jesus to the temple. She may have feared for his life. She knew what was coming for him. But she still trusted God enough to give up her son before the elders. In the same way, I am called to give up to God everything and present it to Him. They will only be away from me for a while. He never takes something without giving back something better
…for Sacrifice.

The Finding of Jesus
Despite all the warfare and turmoil surrounding the upcoming RYC, we know that we will find God there. We’re scattered, doubting, worried and confused. But, by 7:59am, he will transform the venue into a dwelling place secure as we celebrate Holy Mass, and the sacraments
…for Zeal.

I am reminded that the God I love, is the same God who…
Saves.
Redeems.
Forgives.
Blesses.
Pursues.
Promises.

A God of peace.
A God of order.
A God above all time.
A God who never abandons.
A God of perfect love.

 

Behold the handmaid of the Lord;  be it unto me according to thy word.
Luke 1:38

For the salvation of souls lost in this world, let the crosses I carry bring them back to you. Someone else loved You enough to be accountable to the stranger that was me.
Your will, not mine. For Your glory, not mine.

Sweet Heart of Jesus, be my love.
 Sweet Heart of Mary, be my salvation.

 

Philippines Week #5
Monday, March 3, 2014

Today was my first day at my host house

In my Metro Manila immersion.
I am blessed to be staying
At the Echavez’s Residence!

They live in North A.
One of the upper most north sectors in Manila
Today was my first time taking the jeep alone from my host house in Novaliches.
It takes about an hour and a half to two hours
To commute to the centre every morning.
People say that I’m not too good with directions,
But I believe otherwise!

The journey to the Global Mission Center was something I will never forget.

Jeep time!

I’ve taken the jeep before
But this time was different
For some reason
There was something so interesting
About this ride

It may have been the fact that
This time I was by myself and was paying closer attention to the details
Or
The Lord was revealing something that seemed so ordinary to me
But was in fact something so extraordinary

As I sat in the cramped jeep
Amongst individuals I do not know
I glanced at each one subtly, hoping they did not notice my intrigued look
I noticed their expressions
Their movements and their words

I watched them speak to the driver

The passenger at the end of the jeep would pass their money to person beside them
Then the person would pass it to the next, to the next, and then to the next
Until it reaches the driver

Then the driver would just hand back the change to the closest person,
Trusting that the person will give back the change to the right person.

This same process would continue every every-time!

I noticed this before
But The Lord was allowing me to experience this again
From a different perspective but at this particular moment

I was so amazed at the fact that there was a great sense of exchange in:

Trust
Honesty
Understanding
and
In Love

Trust, with one another
Trusting that each person would hand the money to the driver and hand back their change

Honesty, with yourself and each other
Honest in how much you will pay and where you will say you will go to the driver

Understanding, each other’s personal situation
Understanding without speaking, knowing that each individual has

Their own story and struggle

Love, your neighbour
Loving your fellow seat mate, your fellow neighbour in valuing

Their presence and their money

It was a special moment

Presented
In a mundane location
Part of my ordinary routine
But yet, this is where The Lord decided to speak to me
He allowed me to experience

Heaven on Earth.

I was experiencing Heaven on Earth
In a jeepney.

The Lord is Infinite
For His presence and
His promise for us
Can be experienced infinitely
In an infinite amount of places, situations, and moments

When the Lord shows us a glimpse of Heaven
It is up to us to open our eyes and be aware of where The Lord is revealing His Promise to us
Maybe in the places we least expected!

Our God is definitely a God of surprises!

Amen:)