True North Missionaries Journal

Feel like my love life is finished
I’ve been avoiding commitment
That’s why I’m in this position
I’m scared to let somebody in on this
No new friends, no no no
You know how this stuff go
You got your fair share of admirers that call your phone
You try to act like it’s just me, but I am not alone….

My friends and colleagues probably see me as someone in extreme anticipation- someone who just can’t wait to be part of a relationship. In some way, that’s true. And in more ways, it’s not.  Because of “x,y,z” reasons, the idea of being irrevocably committed to one person for long periods of time scares me.

I am deathly scared of commitment.
Truth.

It’s the reason why I tend to flee from friendships that I feel are getting too intimate. I just can’t do it. It’s easier for me to handle my relationships with girls than guys, but the fact still remains: I’m uncomfortable with the uncertainty of whether or not a person will stay in my life when they find out the real(er) parts of me. That’s why I gladly take on the stereotypes that people have placed on me.

I find it easier to act under a predetermined role.
It’s what I’ve been doing for a long time.
It’s much much safer for me to add layers than to subtract.

My relationship with Christ works in the same way; I’m scared of the relationship that we share….this whole getting to know him more and more. Having to willingly own up to the person I know I am, to unveil myself. I have never felt so intimate with the Lord the way I have in the last year. For someone who almost completely gave up on Catholicism, I’ve had to work really hard on sustaining and building up my prayer time and routines (i.e Tuesdates exclusively for Trinity Runs). But that’s where I find I’m fighting myself:  I want to dive deeper into this relationship, but how can I when I know I can’t swim well?

“I even believe that the deeper one is drawn into God, the more one must ‘go out of oneself’; that is, one must go to the world in order to carry the divine life into it.” – Imitation of Mary

Despite being a commitment-phobe, the Lord still finds ways to enter in. Not in ways that are like that of a thief who barges in unwelcomed. Rather, the Lord simply knocks at the doors of my heart- and waits. He does not get impatient with me. Even if I open it halfway then close it back, He’ll try again (cue Aaliyah: dust yourself off and try again~). He accepts whatever I give Him, and never complains. He greets me with a smile and an outstretched hand. Always.

In time, the Lord will help me overcome my insecurities and my anxieties. I’ve realized that it’s exactly why I am where I am as the GTA West Sector Head.  Scared of committing to one person? No problem I’m going to give you and trust you with 250+ souls. Most don’t know me, and I barely know every one of them..but somehow with God’s grace I’m able to constantly give more and more and more of myself. Not out of obligation, but out of love.

What lay outside my plans for myself, lay within God’s plan for me.- St. Edith Stein

Thank you Lord. Simply for loving me in the way that I need to be loved. And for giving me the opportunity to go beyond the borders of my heart. I know this is to prepare me for what lies ahead in the future.

“Help me to remember what is really important: that I am Your child, You are my Father. You love me for who I am and how I live. Not what I look like or what I own. Let me praise You who sees into my heart, who is always with me and who eases my suffering.” (St. Rose of Lima)

“Embrace My love” thus says the Lord.

I experienced the Lord’s love through this evenings recollection for Pacific’s Regional Youth Conference happening this weekend. As I reflected on how I could prepare my heart God reminded me how His love is simple yet so extravagant. If we embrace His love, He reveals His goodness. Coming into RYC God reminds that I need to ask, seek, and knock. He wants me to empty myself and open my heart to His unconditional love and mercy.

Embrace My love and allow Me to show you everything beautiful and everything you are meant to experience throughout this RYC. Be not afraid.

Benedictus Deus in Saecula

I’ve been finished school for a month now and I’ve been blessed with so much time to give myself in service to the Lord while looking for a job. I understood that with a great amount of availability within my schedule, the Lord will ask much of me. Recently I began to ponder what the Lord’s asked of me and unfortunately I let the magnitude of responsibilities aggravate me, so much that I started to feel very anxious. To me, this was not good because within less than 6 hours I would be on a ferry to Victoria for a core household and I didn’t want to come with a heavy and selfish heart. I would wanted to come with a heart eager to give.

Slowly God’s grace began to work in me as He allowed me to recall His providence and faithfulness. In His providence and faithfulness I was given the grace to trust Him. I felt more at peace but I knew the Lord still had more to reveal to me because I still had a hesitant heart. Throughout my stay in Victoria from Saturday to Sunday, the Lord really blessed me. I was able to really spend time with Christ. Not in the church or through the sacraments but within the household. I felt His humor while the brothers made bacon pancakes (we greased the pan with bacon grease). I felt His friendship and camaraderie when our household played in a park for 2-3 hours, listened to Christmas music, painted the chapter’s RYC banner and karaoked. I felt His joy every time the household laughed and smiled. I felt his cultivating love during the teaching and discussion. I felt his parental love through my couple coordinators. And I felt His longing for my heart every time I was shown sacrifice and mercy.

I remembered St. Peter and his experience of when the Lord came to him walking on water during a storm. After St. Peter fell Christ picked him up, brought him back to the boat, then he and his household just worshipped Christ. I bet they had good times right after jokin’ with Peter about what just happened hahaha!

This entire experience has shown me that when I doubt, Christ points me toward my household. Because His love through the household gave me strength and reminded me that the household is always a place where I will encounter Him. It will always be a place where I can be shown joy and love. It will always be a place where I receive comfort and affirmations from the Himself. Comforter of the Afflicted, please lend me your heart.

Totus Tuus

My dad always tells me to honour Mama Mary. He always told me that I owe my life to her.

Yesterday was Mother’s day. Sadly, I never got to spend it with my own mom because she was at work all day and I had a lot of studying to do. I went to 9PM mass at St. Ignatius last night and after the mass had finished, I stopped by to say Happy Mother’s Day to Mama Mary. For some reason I remembered my National MV interview from a couple weeks back. One of the questions that really hit me was “Do you have any devotions?” and truthfully, I don’t. But I should.

In that short moment, I realized that I don’t honour Mama Mary enough.

When my mom was in her teens, she developed some form of cancer in her reproductive tract. After surgery and treatment, the doctors had informed her that she would not bear any children.

My dad’s dreams were to raise a family, but his love for my mom was (and is still) so great. He knew about the fact that my mom would not be able to become pregnant or have children, but he loved her anyway. My mom went to Canada before my dad, and he still waited for her to come back. Once my parents got engaged, my dad went to the Shrine of Our Lady of Perpetual Help in Baclaran every Wednesday for 10+ weeks.

He asked Mama Mary to grant him the opportunity to raise a family. He asked that he have at least one child, preferably a boy. He promised that if the opportunity came and he were to have a child, he would give this child to The Lord. He promised that if he were to have a child, he would want this child to serve God.

“Panginoon, bigyan niyo po kami ng anak. Kapag nagkaroon kami ng anak, ibabalik ko po siya sa inyo.” – Papa Delos Reyes

When my mom finally came back to the Philippines to get married, she was only there for about 2 weeks. Marriage prep, wedding, honeymoon, then back to Canada without my dad. God is so gracious and Mama Mary’s intercession truly works wonders because my mom came back to Canada pregnant with me, despite the doctors saying that she wouldn’t be able to conceive! Ten months later, my dad arrived on Canadian soil and held me for the first time. He said it was the best moment of his life.

Even though I’m an only child, I am so blessed to be serving in this community with my brothers and sisters in Christ. My dad had asked for me, but he promised to give me to The Lord. Here I am today, a CFC Youth For Christ falling deeper in love with God, learning to serve Him with my all. I am only His.

Mama Mary, thank you for always interceding for me. I owe you my life, and so let me appreciate you more with every day. Your heart is so beautiful. Please pray that our God lets my heart be as faithful and ethereal as yours. I ultimately pray that I learn to be more like your son, our Lord Jesus Christ. I love you Mama!

Most people that I know are aware of my love (okay, maybe a bit of obsession) for minions (from the movie: Despicable Me). I don’t know why, but the first time I saw the movie, I really started liking minions. They are just so cute (they really are! ^_^). Then little did I know I started reflecting on why I love them.

Oh and a minion looks like this….

Why do I love minions?

Minions are similar in size and shape, but have unique features to tell them apart.

Minions are just like us. We are all just human beings but we have specific characteristics that make us different from one another. I remembered a book that I read a couple of months ago. There was a line there, it said, “God created each role with one person in mind to fill it.” We are where we are for a reason. We are who we are for a reason. If we are achieving victories in life right now, praise the Lord! If we are experiencing difficulties in life right now, praise the Lord still! God has always a reason why we are experiencing these things. We have to remember that we are created for a reason. We have our own individual missions to fulfill. We are unique and we have individual purposes. We just have to discover His plan for us. The joy in our journey rests, in part, on the discovery process – unveiling the layers of God’s unique plan.  

Minions are a bunch of simple-minded homunculi.

Because I am such an over-thinker, I tend to admire minions for being so simple-minded. I am a person who would think too much about very simple things. I tend to go over-board and think too much about things that are about to happen, or things that I planned. Sometimes, I tend to be too controlling about things. I have the tendency to make things difficult for me, even though I know that I can work on it on a simple way. Minions remind me that simplicity is beauty. Sometimes, we need to stop thinking or worrying too much and just see the beauty in the simplest things. Because when we worry too much, we tend to miss God’s message through those simple things. Like yesterday, I was heading out with my family to celebrate Mother’s Day, and on our way to the restaurant, I saw this in the sky:

Simple beauty. I think this is what I tend to forget most of the time, to just take things in a very simple way; to just pause for a bit and look how beautiful God’s blessings are, no matter how big or small it is. Life is not complicated, we just over complicate things. Simplicity is beauty.

Minions are fiercely loyal.

Like how minions are very loyal to Gru, we should too be loyal to our God. Their loyalty always reminds me of the verse from Matthew 5:37 “Let your yes mean yes, and your no mean no.” We cannot serve two masters. If we are saying yes to God, let it be our yes, a firm and resounding yes. We cannot be saying yes to God today and no to Him tomorrow. This is such a great reminder of our mission and vision as CFC-Youth: Young people being and bringing Christ wherever we are. If we are saying yes to Him, let it be a true yes, not a no, not a sometimes yes, but a firm and strong yes.

Minions are extremely easy to please.

God just wants us to be happy. We are His children. If our own parents only wish for us to be happy, what more our Father in heaven wishes us to do so. He loves us so much that He would provide everything that we need. He is always pleasing us, it’s just we fail to see this most of the time. We tend to get overwhelmed, blinded, and distracted by all our problems in life. We fail to see God’s grace. Minions remind me of how beautiful it is to be happy with what God has been, is being, and will be blessing us, no matter how big or small it is. As what Matthew 7:7 proclaims, “Ask and you shall receive. Seek and you will find. Knock and the door will be opened.” God wants us to be happy; it’s just, sometimes we choose not to. Let us be thankful for every single thing God provides us. Let us be like minions who see joy in the littlest things.

Minions are always willing to help out (especially with Gru).

I was at Level Up last Saturday, and as I was packing up instruments, a sister approached and she mention something about “helping hands.” Since then, it has been stuck on my hand. Lately, I’ve been having this vision of hands. I didn’t really know what it meant until last Saturday, when a sister of mine approached me, said something about it, and affirmed me. What does it mean to be the helping hands of the Lord? God is calling us to be His helping hands. It is very fitting that one of the topics discuss last Saturday was reaching beyond. To be God’s helping hands, we need to reach beyond our boundaries, beyond our limits. Yes, the mission starts within us, but it doesn’t end there. A mission will not be a mission until we reach out beyond our own little bubbles. Like what Kuya Kevin said last Level Up, our mission should go beyond borders. In the heart of this mission is love. This love makes us limitless because God is love and God is limitless.

Minions are always happy.

Minions are always happy, and so do we. We need to be joyful! We are young, Christian, happy. Let us be keep smiling for the Lord. A smile can mean so much to another person. A simple smile can in fact change the world. Let us be joyful in proclaiming God’s love to the world.

So…Why do I love minions?

I still honestly don’t know exactly why, but we have a special connection. (LOL)… But maybe it’s because sometimes, I see myself in them, and sometimes, I just want to be like them.

“Jesus, Jesus. All I want is to be like You.” Amen.

Praise God!