Kleah Zara – Page 5 – True North Missionaries Journal

Wherever I walk, there You will be.

Christ Walking On The Sea Of Galilee, Henry Coller (1886-1950)

“As Christians we are called to have courage, the courage to honour God’s extraordinary request that we forgive someone even in the midst of our pain.” – Mother Angelica

An edited excerpt from my journal:

“Tuesday, April 7, 2015

Today I walked into my parish with an extremely heavy heart. While I prepared myself for confession, I felt my heart begin to relax as I saw Christ exposed before me. The weight of my sin slowly began to liquify and my eyes grew to swell up. When I entered the confessional, I saw my parish priest, Father Jim, smiling at me with delicate concern.

He said, “Welcome Kleah.”

I replied shyly, “Hello Father.”

I sat down in the chair facing perpendicular to him and we lifted our hands. In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. Amen. He prayed and asked God that I may give a good confession.

Father forgive me for I have sinned. It’s been two weeks since my last confession.

In my hands was my notebook and as I read my sins aloud, the weight of my heart melted faster and I experienced a familiar feeling, where the weight of my heart began to disappear; like water evaporating into air on a sunny day. Slowly tears started to fall from my face and Father carefully handed me a box of tissues.

When I reached the final sin on my list, I momentarily stared at my notebook, released a short sigh, afraid to admit what was the greatest burden in my heart. As I began to speak, everything in me broke loose and tears streamed down my face because of the guilt I felt for feeling so hurt, especially since it was Easter — one of the most joyful liturgical seasons. I began to explain the frustration I felt against myself.

When I was done Father looked at me and said I was beautiful and that I had it all. He admitted that it was okay for me to feel sad and hurt for a moment; he even apologized that I had experienced such pain from my situation. But he continued to say that I must move on and look forward to greater things. He said that it’s good for me to have hope, to hope, and to continuously strive to trust God with everything. But in doing so, I also needed to trust in my own capabilities that God has blessed me with.

As penance Father asked me to reflect on my life and see how far God has taken me, how He hasn’t abandoned me all this time, and that He will continue to bless me with His grace.

Father told me to repeat, “Jesus I trust in You” for five minutes and assured me that if I needed to speak to him more, then he would be available next week, after he returns from Israel.

Everything Father said to me affirmed me and all of my worries. And it only makes sense to me now that I write this because Father Jim was the one who taught me how to forgive in different ways three years ago, and today he has continued to help me love those who have hurt me in another way through acceptance of my hurt and choosing to love, accept, and befriend them regardless.”

I was afraid to share this part of my life because it was the first time I had ever cried in confession. I was hesitant to share this, but I realized that this story isn’t about me coming to God and crying. This story is about God waiting for me to cry to Him.

In this story God waits with His mercy and goodness, with perfect love and assurance that everything is going to be okay, that I’m going to be okay, all because His love is greater than these.

The thought of completely surrendering my whole life to God has always been incredibly scary. It means that I don’t have any control. It means that I have to walk on a path that is unpredictable and full of surprises.

I’m not someone who prefers that at all. However, from this experience and realizing that God is always ahead of me, there’s really no point in trying to outrun Him. There really is no need for me to be afraid because I don’t have control over anything anyways. Instead of being scared, God continues to speak and He says:

Wherever you walk, there I will already be.

Thank You Lord. I trust in You. <3

Friendship | One of the Four F’s in CFC-Youth

Jesus Washing the Feet of the Apostles, Del Parson (1983)

While I can sometimes get lost in the busyness of service and the sometimes-stressful concept of ‘household’ I sometimes forget that mission isn’t a lone journey towards God. Everyone in the Couples For Christ community, and all Christians alike, are striving to live lives pleasing to God; we are all in it together, trying to share the Gospel, trying to love one another the way that God loves us.

As a business student I’ve learnt that an organization’s structure can be one of its strengths. For Couples For Christ’s organizational structure this still remains true. As the family is the basic unit of society, the household is the basic unit of CFC; and over the past few years I’ve definitely grown in my appreciation of the household because it is founded on relationships centred in Christ. That’s not to say that I wasn’t grateful before, but through recent experiences, it’s become more evident to me that the friendships I have in my CFC-Youth and SFC households are living-giving friendships that bear much fruit. And the people (brothers and sisters) in my households mirror God’s great love in many beautiful ways. #4oclock #weeatfirst #sisterskeeper #sistahood #ilovemyHH

Friendship in the household is extended to the chapter, then to the area, and in the greater scheme of things, wherever the CFC community is. In that regard I’ve met some amazing people in the community from around the world, who I can easily say are my friends — not only that, but my brothers and sisters. One of the memories I will always hold dear to my heart was when I went to the Philippines for WGAT and GLS in 2011. There I met some CFC-Youth brothers and sisters from across Canada, the UAE, Singapore, and the Philippines. To this day, we still message each other on Facebook or Twitter, or comment on one another’s Instagram posts. Although distance makes it difficult to maintain friendships, I’ve realized that any conversation or interaction I have with a friend is a huge blessing, whether they live near me or far away.

Last night I was given the opportunity to speak to one of my friends from the Pacific Region, whom I haven’t spoken with for months. During our conversation we weren’t able to cover every single detail, but they shared a lot of information with me that can only help me confidently say that they are pressing towards holiness, intentionally learning how to live and love like Christ even though it is very hard to. Through speaking to my friend and hearing them share about their life, I’ve come to see that the cross I bear is the same cross in which I should draw strength. (Side note: Jesus has already won.) To be reminded of this, not only emphasizes how great God is, but also how unbelievably blessed I am to have life-giving friendships in this community that are solidly rooted in God’s amazing love.

Besides the myriad of people in this community and around the world that are seeking God, may I never forget that God is wherever I go; Jesus is the perfect friend, who has never given up on me and has reminded me a million times to believe and trust in Him. He is the only One who remains with me constantly and consistently. Although humble, He is the greatest among all that exists and He can never be replaced by any person or any thing in this world. Jesus is my friend who walks with me in the mission, patiently listens to my thoughts and prayers, and keeps close to me, helping me journey towards the Father.

Dear God,

Thank You for the gift of life-giving friendships that remind me of Your love, kindness, generosity, mercy, and compassion. I pray for all the friendships I’ve gained and I pray for all those who I have yet to meet. For the people who I haven’t spoken to in a long time, I pray that they see You in them and have the desire to live and love like You; that their hearts welcome You into their lives over and over again. All the glory is Yours now and forever.

Sacred Heart of Jesus, have mercy on us.
Immaculate Heart of Mary, pray for us.
Amen.

The Sorrowful Mother, who is also the Cause of Our Joy

The first time I had ever learnt about Our Lady of Sorrows was when I attended a Come and See retreat with the Sisters of Providence in February 2013. At the time of the retreat, I remember feeling very nervous because I was the only participant and because I was afraid that God was calling me to a way of life that I felt I wasn’t prepared for. As the weekend progressed, I grew to enjoy my time with the sisters learning about their foundress and Our Lady of Sorrows, but I couldn’t understand them nor their way of life. I felt that their charisms were interesting, but the thought of deep sorrow and suffering didn’t resonate with my life because it contrasted with the CFC-Youth culture, which was always vibrant, lively, and joyful for me.

In October that year, a turn of events occurred and so I began to fall into intense anxiety, constant worrying, and issues regarding my self-worth. I kept this pain to myself for months because I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it. I didn’t want people to worry about me. And I didn’t want to classify myself as depressed if I wasn’t and for other various reasons. I thought that being quiet about my suffering was the ‘best’ way to deal with it because I thought if I had said anything it would just feed the fire, and I would never get out.

A few months later I returned to the Sisters of Providence, except this time with other CFC-Youth brothers and sisters. At this event the sisters briefly introduced their foundress and charisms. However this time, I understood the connection between their foundress, Bl. Mother Gamelin, and Our Lady of Sorrows. They had expressed that Bl. Mother Gamelin found consolation for the loss of her family members in Mother Mary because of the pain she endured while following the life of her Son, Jesus Christ, especially at the point of His crucifixion. Furthermore, Bl. Mother Gamelin realized that Mother Mary experienced greater pain and suffering than she did because Mother Mary not only saw her Son on the Cross, but her God. This gave way to her understanding that she not only could find consolation in Mother Mary, but Mother Mary could find consolation in her.

At this moment, I was taken aback, almost mind blown because I imagined the intensity of Mother Mary’s deep sorrow, so I, too, found myself sympathizing with her, wanting to console her. Upon reflection, this made me realize that Mother Mary understood my suffering; maybe not in the same way, but in a much greater way as her commitment to God’s will meant the salvation of the entire world from generation to generation. This set as one of the beginning steps to my love for Mother Mary and having the desire to become closer to her.

Today as the Catholic Church celebrates the feast of the Solemnity of the Annunciation/Incarnation, also sometimes coined as Mother Mary’s first yes, I wonder at the thought as to how Mother Mary must’ve felt during this specific time of her life. I would like to believe that although she may have worried about what was to come in her life and was humbly surprised that God blessed her among women, that she experienced an unsurpassable joy, having God’s grace outpoured from her womb while carrying Jesus Christ.

For the longest time I had taken the rosary for granted, and to know that the Annunciation is the first of the joyful mysteries makes complete sense to me now. The joy of Christ coming to this world impacts all human beings, including Mother Mary — how her joy must have been great and complete! I’ll be honest and say that I only know this much and probably nothing more, but I look forward to learning more about Mother Mary, to love and appreciate her more, and to give everything to her in joyful hope that she presents it to the Lord perfected.

In Mother Mary’s life I have found this truth in love where there is a juxtaposition between its many fruits.

Where there is great love, there is great suffering; and where there is great love, there is great joy; and where great suffering and great joy converge at a perpendicular as to form a Cross, there is great love. This love brings about a resounding peace, which cannot be disturbed when the mind and the heart are fixed towards God’s will. Nothing stands in between the woman, like Mother Mary, whose obedience is blind, but perfect. The woman does not fall short when in the constant presence of Christ, but rises with Him (again). So it is worth experiencing great suffering, great joy, and great love now than later because in Heaven the first is no longer present, and the two latter are far more amazing than we can imagine.

Although it’s nothing new to me, I’m beginning to understand more that in serving God and His people, there will be a series of varying emotions passing through the heart, but it is always up to me to accept God’s grace and love in order to do His work and fulfill the role that God has entrusted to me to do. With Mother Mary at my side, she sets as a prime example for me to do what I am called to do: to have joy now, to suffer now, and most importantly and overall, to love now.

Mother Mary, Our Lady of Sorrow and the Cause of our Joy, pray for us. Inspire us to love like Jesus Christ, your Son and God.

Amen.

Matthew 26

“Mercy isn’t mercy if it’s earned.”

I can think of three distinct situations in my life where I sincerely believed that I was betrayed and didn’t deserve the sort of treatment I received. Even though I’m at peace with those situations now, when I revisit those memories, I remember being stunned by the news, severely hurt that someone I loved and who loved me could do that much wrong against me, and very confused as to why they did it. While I thought for years that nobody I knew could really relate to me, I recently rediscovered that Jesus Christ had always known, but more so; He fully understood.

I was reading the Bible on the bus and LRT last week while I was on my way to a meeting at my couple coordinators’ home. I was reading the Gospel of St. Matthew and I was also incredibly stunned, hurt, and confused as to why or how these events occurred in this order:

1) Judas betrays Jesus Christ with the sign of a kiss, and hands him off to the chief priests. (Matthew 26:47-50)
2) Every single disciple deserts Jesus Christ and runs away. (Matthew 26:56)
3) Peter denies Jesus Christ three times. (Matthew 26:69-75)

All of this occurs in one single chapter, Matthew 26, after the Lord so graciously gives Himself in body and blood through humble bread and wine (Matthew 26:26-29). I am amazed because although Jesus Christ foretold that all of these instances were going to happen and that He must have been absolutely hurt by those He was closest to and loved, He never ceased to love them fully.

1) At the moment that Jesus Christ saw Judas at the time of His betrayal, He refers to him as “my friend“. (Matthew 26:50)
2) Although every single disciple deserts Jesus Christ, for the only one who sees Him crucified, He gives him (and us) His mother, Mother Mary (John 19:26-27). After His resurrection, Jesus appears to all of his disciples many times, giving them the ability to believe in Him, and then later gives them the Holy Spirit (Acts 2:1-4).
3) Jesus Christ then forgives Peter before He asks him if he loves Him three times. (John 21:15-19)

In these various situations, I recognize more that Jesus Christ is True God and True Man. On a personal level, I see Jesus as True Man simply because He seems to have experienced everything I have, but in greater extremes. He not only knows, but fully understands what it feels like to be betrayed and mistreated for no reason at all. Jesus as True God is illuminated in the way He loves unreservedly. As the Father so loves perfectly, the Son does as well. His love abundantly flows out of Him in founts of kindness and mercy. Furthermore Jesus doesn’t just show His love by forgiving, He continues to give more and more of Himself until He has given Himself fully, to the point of death — even death on a cross. And then — there’s more — He gives us the Holy Spirit.

How loved are we? How loved am I?

As I journey onward during this Lenten season, I pray that I remember that in all instances Jesus Christ remains True God and True Man. With this, I pray that I may be inspired and moved to forgive and give of myself totally, without question, even if others don’t deserve it or “earn” it. If my God can forgive the inexcusable in me, I can certainly make the sincere effort to forgive the inexcusable in others.

Sacred Heart of Jesus, have mercy on us.
Immaculate Heart of Mary, pray for us.
Amen.

The New Journey

Wednesday, March 11, 2015

In Perseverance; thunder crashes, sails billow, waves toss the fragile boat. We see that the clouds are about to break. The sea will calm; the sailor's perseverance will soon be rewarded by a return to God's safe heaven. Perhaps this painting can assure each of us that if we can simply persevere, God's hand of love will soon disperse each storm. - Thomas Kinkade — “In Perseverance; thunder crashes, sails billow, waves toss the fragile boat. We see that the clouds are about to break. The sea will calm; the sailor’s perseverance will soon be rewarded by a return to God’s safe heaven. Perhaps this painting can assure each of us that if we can simply persevere, God’s hand of love will soon disperse each storm.” – Thomas Kinkade, Painter

I encountered God in a way I had never before at my CFC-Youth camp on March 12-14, 2004 (11 years ago tomorrow). I heard God speak though Scripture, but I wasn’t listening; I didn’t know He was speaking directly to me. I saw Christ present in the Holy Eucharist, but I didn’t know or notice He was looking straight at me.

When I look back to this weekend, I realize now that God was greatly pursuing me even though I was totally blind to it. Even though I had no clue, He still made a way for me to realize it; after my youth camp, I was a different person from when it first began. I wanted to change and I wanted to tell people about Christ, and I did this the Monday I returned to school. A light switch turned from off to on and I just knew that it was God who said I was really ready to know that I loved Him and, more importantly, that He loved me.

As I ponder upon my journey since my youth camp to this particular moment in time, I can’t help but smile widely because I’m beginning a brand new journey with God, knowing (again) that I still love God and that God has, will always, and currently loves me more than I could ever imagine.

Becoming a CFC-Youth Mission Volunteer has been a mere thought for many years, but wondering if I was called to full-time pastoral work for CFC-Youth has been a reoccuring thought since I was 16 years old. That said, I’m unbelievably grateful that I am here today. Regardless of the outcome of the Mission Volunteer Program, I’m excited to learn as to why this desire still remains in my heart. I’m confident in saying that there is something that God wants me to discover. There is something He wants me to experience. And He wants me to do it all with Him!

As excited as I am, I would be lying if I said I was completely cool, calm, and collected because I can’t help but feel fear, doubt, and anxiety, especially when I also have other reoccurring thoughts and desires. For now, I find confidence, consolation, perseverance, and trust in God, whom continuously reminds me:

“Fear not for I am with you always.” -Isaiah 41:10

(Anchor verse for CFC Youth Canada’s National Conference in 2004 AKA my “life verse” haha)

In whatever this journey has in store, God’s assurance is the greatest assurance through it all, and I pray that I may cling to Him readily like a child does to their father and/or mother.

As I embark on this crazy new journey,

I pray that the the wood of the boat I remain in be made of the Cross of my Lord and my God, Jesus Christ.
I pray that the wind which directs my sail be the Spirit, my only and precise Guide.
I pray that the ocean be the Father’s deep love and mercy that keeps me afloat from falling into sin.

Praise be to the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.
Our Lady of Guadalupe, pray for us.
St. Therese of Lisieux, pray for us.

Amen.