About two weekends ago I was blessed enough to serve at the first ever Steubenville Conference outside of Steubenville, Ohio here in Toronto. The Archdiocese ran the event and there are absolutely no words to convey how full my heart felt during the entirety of that conference. There were 2500+ attendees with seminarians, consecrated religious, 30 priests, 6 bishops and 1 cardinal. It was insane.

Initially there were supposed to be 4 of us from the area core who volunteered to attend the event, but a few things came up for the others. I ended up being alone for all of Saturday. I wasn’t too pleased with the thought of going alone especially because I was outside of the comforts of the CFC community.

I know now that God planned it to be that way because he really wanted some one on one time. He wanted my full attention and knew that the only way to do that was to isolate me. This was a “Peter, come out of the boat and walk on water” experience.

I signed up for a 4-5pm adoration assignment because I knew that I had all the time in the world to spare. Somehow the Liturgy organizers hadn’t assigned anyone yet. It definitely worked in my favour. Part of me felt like I needed to steal away from the large crowds (and/or hide away).

Thank God for that yes.

In my last fifteen minutes of my time, while I was simply gazing at the tabernacle I was pleasantly and shockingly surprised to find all major internationally acclaimed speakers, singers, hosts and leaders in that tiny little chapel.  Among them were Jacky Francois and Bobby Angel, Bob Rice, Ike Ndolo, and Father Dave Pivonka. This was their preparation before going back on stage.

WAS THIS REAL LIFE?

In that moment my heart expanded ten times full because I could feel the intensity of their love for Christ. I could feel their desire to meet Him, the emptying of themselves so that the Spirit could fill them. In the silence of my mind echoed these words,

“This is how my heart feels every time one of you say yes to my Son. This is the joy that vibrates well within me every time a vocation is answered, a promise is fulfilled. Do you understand the gravity of one simple yes?”

Security pulled me out two songs into the private worship session. It was enough for me to witness abandonement in the form of all vocations-

…through the religious sister who sat in front of me,
…through the hands raised high in surrender to our God by the Franciscan friar,
…through the sweet, melodious notes of a Catholic singer,
…through the gentle words of a missionary and inspirational speaker,
…through the reverence of a wife who lay prostrate even with her seven month belly,
…through the quiet strength of a supportive husband whose hands supported her from behind.

And this was a moment in time that the Lord designed specifically for me. This was a blessing He graciously shared with me. This was mercy and grace outpoured.

God is in the day to day, monotonous duties. I might have entered that chapel carrying nothing with me, but I know I left it carrying everything in my heart.

He is my all.

 

Lover of my soul I want to tell you / Only you have all of me / I cannot contain my adoration / I’m in love so desperately / No one is as lovely as you are / There is no one else who has my heart / Jesus you have me completely / Every breath I breathe I am absolutely in love / Jesus I am yours forever / All of me surrenders / I am absolutely in love with you.

 

I’m not going to lie… When I was offered a job at St. Joseph’s Workshop, I was ecstatic because it meant that I would have some sort of income to work towards registering for TNC2014. But when I came home to discuss it with my parents, they said no. I prayed about it and even contemplated booking the flight and registering without them knowing so I can go (cause it would be more expensive to cancel), but I knew that above all, I had a call to be obedient to my parents in this situation, so I didn’t argue further. I began to feel afraid, thinking I NEEDED to be there because I’m an MV, and my endorsement might be taken away because I’m the only MV who couldn’t make it and serve. This went on for months, and I was even afraid to tell anyone because I thought that if I said anything, they might not have been thinking about it, and then I would be putting the idea in their minds, hence, causing my own downfall (It’s silly, I know…) But I realized that the root of all this had sprung from my endorsement too…

I guess one can say it’s been a “waiting game”… many of us had thought that upon endorsement, we’d be placed with an area right away and then we’d be off for training. Needless to say, the Lord had chosen to be funny with me (in all the good ways, of course)! It’s been 6 months since my endorsement and I still have not been placed with an area. But to be honest… we all know that with God…

There is no such thing as a coincidence.

In the months I have been waiting, God put me through a roller coaster of challenges. This time, they were no longer challenges in the technical ins and outs of service (i.e. manuals, structures, trainings, etc), but challenges of the heart, and the deeper levels of it too…

LOVE.

PATIENCE.

HUMILITY.

Sooner or later, the “waiting game” began to feel like it was a waiting game of when something would explode. Maybe of when my heart would explode? A little dramatic, yes, but this is how real it was for me…  It had began to feel like I was walking on a thin line, so when my parents said no, I felt like it was a moment in Minesweeper, where I didn’t know if it was a flag or a mine, and I was anticipating a mine to explode… My heart began to feel restless…

Months went by and I had been silent about not going to Conference. I only told my counterparts, mentors, but otherwise, I wouldn’t say anything about it unless someone would ask. And then at the very last minute, I received a call to go to the Philippines to sing for the CFC Anniversary on June 21. I left for 2 weeks, and upon returning, a few days later, I received a call to take on preparations for one of our mission parishes’, Our Lady of Lourdes, Meet and Greet for the parish youth. I said yes, but then called back soon after because I had forgotten that it was my cousin’s wedding the same day… A few days later, I prayed about it and realized I could still help with the preparations and serve the service team, leading up to the day. So I got back to the Couple Coordinators and got back on board!

I realized, then and there, that I had been too expectant as a missionary. I had also been carrying the attitude of a pick-and-choose missionary.

This whole time, I had been so caught up in thinking that the mission would be where I would be assigned, OR that the mission would be large at Conference. But if mission sprouts from the need of love, and the mission call is an anointing by the Lord, then the Lord – being limitless – makes the mission limitless as well.

MISSION is not bound by Conference, alone.

I had been called to the missions surrounding my life to break down any walls that were preventing me in growing in ultimate love, patience, and humility.

1. In Philippines, I had been so blessed to journey with the brokenness, and rejoice in the love that surrounded me, re-defining the love of a family.
2. My cousin then opened up to me that in spending time with me and just talking about faith and our lives, she now wants to join CFC Youth and is praying about mission work too, redefining evangelism and mission in the family.
3. Upon serving in the preparations for OLoL, I realized that even that moment was mission too. It’s the first Meet & Greet of the parish! PRAISE THE LORD!!!
4. In the weeks leading up to the Conference weekends, I had also been able to grow in fellowships with my household, redefining true servant sisterhood in my life with the Lord.
5. During our family prayer time, my dad and I looked surprised because my mom lifted up a prayer specific to God’s hands in His timing and placement of mission for me with complete sincerity and submission (which never really happened in family prayer before).

It took me all these events to realize that while I had been so cautiously minding the mines, I had forgotten all the areas where I could put the flags on. I had been trying to tackle trickle around the mines, being blind to the obvious flag areas – the obvious moments God had been calling me RIGHT WHERE I WAS to mission. And it was only in an increase of my date times (prayer times) that I had realized where the blessings were.

MISSION IS NOT LIMITED BECAUSE GOD IS NOT LIMITED.
MISSION IS EVERYWHERE AND IN EVERYTHING BECAUSE HIS LOVE AND PRESENCE IS EVERYWHERE AND IN EVERYTHING.

I was reminded of the basics… I was not called by human intellect, but by a Divine Call. Mission as much as love cannot be defined by one task or one place, but by everything that is called and created by God.

MISSION is NOT about what I do ALONE as an individual, but how I allow God to use me in whichever way He wills.

TRUE MISSION, with or without consciousness of it, truly manifests when it is as much for others as it is for myself (if anything, it is MORE FOR OTHERS and much less for myself).

MISSION is allowing myself to be challenged to see and capture God in EVERY GIVEN MOMENT.

Whether I am placed somewhere else or still waiting right where I am, I know I called. Furthermore, I know I am anointed, and I know whether it is now or later, time will come, but I firmly believe the Lord places us PERFECTLY in PERFECT TIME.

Mission is UNLIMITED.

It is a call to bloom right where the Lord plants me,
and because the Lord plants me, I am not afraid…I am at peace.

It was approximately a year ago that a friend suggested that I look at this one specific apparition of Mary called, The Seven Sorrows. My first reaction, and only reaction at that time was to acknowledge his suggestion, but to be honest I never really bothered to look deeper into it.

With that in mind I find it extremely ironic how in two weeks time, I will be performing with a creative team which will highlight all seven sorrows. It will act as the prologue for the entire CFC Eastern Conference and open up all the sessions. I remember agreeing to do the creative before finding out I’d be taking on the role of Mother Mary- what a surprise that was!

We had our first run through last Friday and I don’t think anything could have prepared me for that day. At that point I thought I was ready. It didn’t hit me that I would actually be required to do more than the dance moves- I had to act, no I had to be Mother Mary. But how could I do that when I felt so inadequate, so unqualified to embody the greatest woman to ever grace this earth?

The director, Tita Lilet stopped us at Sorrow #6, Jesus is taken down from the Cross, the famous scene of the ‘Pieta’:

Silent were the lips that once comforted so many, closed were the eyes that once looked so lovingly upon the children of men. In great sorrow Mary received the body of her Son, holding Him close to her heart as she had once cradled Him at Bethlehem.

I had about two minutes to get myself together before she would make us redo the scene. Two to go deeper within myself and figure out how a mother would feel the moment she realized that someone who used to be a part of her (literally) was gone- lifeless, still, never to come back. Tita Lilet wanted me to wail, to cry, to show SOME type of agony. But how?

In that moment, I drew myself in and whispered a prayer.

“Mother Mary, I can’t do this all by myself. I know absolutely nothing. I think the only way this will work is for you to take a sword from your Immaculate Heart and pierce it in mine. Amen.”

In about ten seconds, all I could feel was my chest close up, my eyes burn hot with tears, and a huge wave of ten different emotions rush in me. Suddenly all my energy and attention was focused on CJ lying still (the dancer playing Jesus). I knew he wasn’t really dead but why did my heart ache so much as if he was? Tears came all too easily at this point. How could so much pain be contained in one tiny person?

Two brothers motioned to take CJ away from me and in that instant a maternal instinct of sorts clicked somewhere deep inside me and all I could think of was how I could not, WOULD NOT let them. They ended up having to pry my hand away from him (haha). It was as if all the truths I had ever known in my lifetime were taken away from me and I was left with nothing else but agony.

Mother full of grace, Virgin most faithful, refuge of sinners, comforter of the afflicted…how little we are in comparison to your love for Christ! I thank God for that day and for this creative because until now I don’t think I really understood Mary at all. To live through seven swords simultaneously piercing the most tender parts of your heart is really something worth beholding. Only Mary could have tolerated that. No one else would do.

“I will whatever you will: I will all because you will it. I will all things to be as you wish them; I will them as long as you will them. Lord enlighten my understanding, inflame my will, purify my heart and sanctify my soul.”

Over the weekend I had the opportunity of attending a three-day two-night retreat run by the archdiocese. Friday evening I arrived at the venue with my packed bag about to open the door to the registration area when discomfort overcame me, telling me that I shouldn’t be there. 1) I felt as though I really had no reason to be at the retreat. 2) I felt that my time which would be used over the weekend would be better spent focusing on service responsibilities.

I was very discomforted so I decided to called a wise brotha to ask what I should do. Long story short, I stayed out of practicality (venue was far, nothing extreme to lose, might-as-well kind of attitude haha). That night before sleeping I really pondered upon why the Lord is making me stay. And he was pretty clear haha! I flipped to a random page in the Bible (scriptural roulette I believe it’s called lol), and I saw a verse that I had highlighted a long time ago. From the Gospel of Mark: “The apostles returned to Jesus and, told him all that they had done and taught. And He said to them, ‘Come away by yourselves to a lonely place, and rest a while.” I giggled a bit and said “hahaha okay.”

The Lord wants me to rest. It all came together when I continued to reflect.

Coming into the weekend, as unoccupied as my schedule seemed to me, I was quite busy. In retrospect I was also trying to make myself even more busy because I’m not working at the moment. This was to the point where I questioned whether or not I was really being excellent and putting Christ in everything I do. Also, this is was the first time I’ve ever chosen to attend a retreat alone. In the past I’ve never attended any sort of retreat without any friends or anyone I was familiar with. In a sense I was sent to a “lonely place” and it felt like the Lord wanted it that way. So when I read and meditated upon the verse, it made sense to me that the Lord wants me to relax and to refocus on him.

Throughout the weekend I still wanted to leave (which affirmed me that He wanted me to stay all the more haha stubborn me), but I knew He wanted me to stay. It was a very blessed weekend. I strongly felt as though the Lord pamper me and allowed me to rest alone with Him. I ate delicious food three times a day, got to meet different faces of Christ in other God-fearing men, had my own dormitory with its own bathroom, shower, table (I was honestly so happy hahaha), hiked while witnessing the Lord’s beautiful art in His creation, celebrated Mass every day, and did a rosary walk. I think my most treasured moments were with the Blessed Sacrament. I really loved this retreat because there was a 24/7 Adoration chapel on the floor below me. So most of my time was spent there, sitting with the God of the universe who wanted to love me. So I just let Him love me 😀

On the last day the Lord just reminded me through the Gospel, that He will not only always be there for me so I can rest in Him but that He wants me to rest in Him frequently (Matthew 11:28-30). My experience brought me to the realization that rest is necessary and that’s what he wants me to do as things begin to become busier for TNC.

An awesome story that caught my attention about conversation between a convicted Catholic and a priest:
Dude: “If the devil is working all the time 24/7 without rest then I too, should be working all the time against the devil without rest.”
Priest: “Really?”
Dude: “Yes!”
Priest: “Well if you are working all the time then you’re just like the devil.”

Hahaha! Time to sleep. JK. Praise the Lord!

Queen of Peace, pray for us. Jesus, God of peace, have mercy on us.
Totus Tuus

Lately, I find myself faced with many tasks. Tasks with service in the community, at work, and even at home. These past couple of months have been busy and I’m not going to lie, I’m overwhelmed. Not like being overwhelmed is a bad thing but it definitely asks much of me and I think that’s what God is trying to do; test me in what I’m capable and incapable of doing.

Yesterday I was reminded that sometimes it’s okay to stop what you’re doing, take a step back and just ponder.. Ponder the work of The Lord.
Reflecting on the bigger picture rather than all the little things is important to. This is where we see God. This is where we see all the little blessings The Lord has revealed to us.

Just as a painter or artist takes a step back to see the progress of what they created, we too should remind ourselves that it’s okay to
take a step back and to ponder the beauty The Lord has created in our lives.

These past few weeks I have been extremely distracted from my service and it hit me the hardest during this week. I was spiritually dry and I was physically and mentally exhausted.

This month I’ve been going through something, and it all came down to my health. The body pain I once had when I was 15, almost 6 years ago, slowly came back and that’s where I slowly started remembering the excruciating pain I once went through. I remember at that age, since it was all new to me, I was at my lowest.. physically and emotionally I was in pain and I locked myself in the darkness.

Which was exactly what I felt like doing these past couple weeks. Though I decided to put up a front, go out, serve the Lord and go on with my day. But inside I knew I wasn’t being completely honest with not only myself, but with the Lord. I felt Him reaching out to me and telling me “child, give your all to me and I will help you. I will carry you and I will strengthen you”, but I ignored Him. It then became difficult to keep going once I started noticing the difference in my actions, through my service within my family and this community. I wasn’t giving my all, in fact, I felt like I wasn’t giving anything.

Today I caught myself thinking about Vancouver and suddenly I felt excited about boarding a plane after 15 years. Then I thought about conference and how I’ll be serving for one of the biggest conference True North was about to have. All of a sudden I felt discouraged and negative thoughts arose. “How can I give my all during this conference and really experience Christ when I’m in this unaffirmative state?”

During mass I couldn’t help my mind from wandering, I just felt so flustered that I couldn’t physically and mentally attend the mass. Then came communion. Out of nowhere I felt the priest raised his volume 100x and I was wide awake, I stood up and rightfully responded. Lord, I am not worthy to receive you, but only say the word and I shall be healed. I went up to receive communion and when I kneeled, I felt Him beside me. The song came on,

“Do not be afraid, I am with you
I have called you each by name
Come and follow Me
I will bring you home
I love you and you are mine

I am strength for all the despairing
Healing for the ones who dwell in shame
All the blind will see, the lame will all run free
And all will know My name”

I found myself in tears while I’m kneeling, feeling so vulnerable because I felt like He sang the song to me. While reflecting I couldn’t help but realize that I’ve hurt Him because I didn’t have faith and instead of turning to Him, I turned away. I hid this hindrance not only from Him but from everyone because I didn’t want to burden anyone. I wanted to hide, under my shell, in the darkness.

But despite the physical pain, the emotional and spiritual strain, the Lord still calls me. But be sure to fear the Lord and serve him faithfully with all your heart; consider what great things he has done for you. (1 Samuel 12:24)

Surely enough I was affirmed by the Lord, Himself! I couldn’t help but feel a sense of relief at the end of Mass. The feeling of doubt, hopelessness and unavailing attention toward my service to the Church, the community and to my family was slowly lifted.  I was blinded by the physical pain that I let it get to the best of me. I was reminded that although I felt myself giving up each day, the Lord continued to walk with me and shared the pain I was feeling. The Lord in whole was attentive and will always be there.