In the past 1-2 months, my heart had been in some sort of ‘recovery mode’. A lot of damage had been done because I had been passive with specific blows some events had on me. I had been trying to “guard” myself from specific pains I was feeling, not knowing that I was actually just boxing them off and putting them aside, and I eventually realized I couldn’t do that anymore. After realizing this, I knew that the recovery would only come by opening my heart up to these hidden pains. I had to allow my heart to be vulnerable to the Lord again, but in a deeper sense… one that I had not even known nor could I explain it.
It’s been about 2 months, since I have been in some sort of “recovery mode”, and just when I was beginning to feel afraid that I could never recover, the Lord acted once more in His perfect timing, and He just knew He had to pull me out of the well I couldn’t get out of and bring me somewhere where He could make His presence in my life obvious for me. At the last minute – literally 24 hours before I had to go – God decided to send me to Philippines. When I was there, the Lord really put things in perspective for me. No matter what is happening, I have all the reasons to be grateful because presence, no matter what measure it is in, is in my life.
Presence is in my life.
Presence of family,
Presence of friends,
Presence of lasting and sincere relationships,
Presence of new relationships that come day by day,
Presence of the every day items that I may sometimes take for granted,
His Presence,
but also, the gift of the presence of mind…
Being so distracted a few months ago, I had not even realized how beautiful this is. BUT, if I wasn’t so distracted, I would have never been able to value this as much as I do now.
How many times have I prayed the Rosary, but somewhere in the middle, I took a quick glance at my phone for the time or sent a quick reply to a text? Or how many times have I prayed for grace before meals, but already held my spoon and fork in my hand, thinking about the food and not the prayer? How many times have I said “Thank You, Lord,” or “Praise God,” without actually acknowledging His Presence in what I had thought, said, or done in that moment? How many times have I TRULY ACKNOWLEDGED HIM?
When I prayed the Chaplet of Divine Mercy this time, I closed my eyes. But in the moment I opened them, I saw my phone light up with a text. Yet, instead of being eager to see what it was, I found myself more eager to close my eyes once again and continue. And for the first time in a very long time, I felt completely accomplished and complete. This is what I learned through what I had experienced:
Wholeness is not defined by how much you can do, but by how much you embrace something. Holiness is defined by how much you embrace Who you are embracing. And this wholeness and holiness is what determines how much you can do (because it is only with God, that all things are possible).
Presence, as much as it is a blessing, can also be more than a checklist of tangible or intangible things to be grateful for. By action, it is also a prayer. And this is what God was leading me towards. That prayer is not limited by the state and readiness of my heart, but is also made fruitful by my willingness to be and my willingness to act, recognizing first, the Lord. And by being able to bring that presence of mind, His Presence will always guide.
Lord, may I never lose sight of You.
Sacred Heart of Jesus, have mercy on us
Immaculate Heart of Mary, pray for us,
Amen.