Seeking to Break Free

Yesterday (May 30) I received (to put it in a good light) a challenge, a struggle. It’s funny because there has been some kind of trend that I observed these past few years while serving in CFC Youth. I remembered that after I served at a camp (the second time), I found out that I failed a midterm exam. This time, I served at a camp last weekend (which was such a different empowering experience) and yesterday, I was notified of such “challenge.” For both situations (especially for the first one), it really made me question why God is giving me these struggles after serving Him, when He is supposed to reward me. I know this sounds like very un-humbling but I expected a little bit of reward. For the first situation, I don’t remember what I said or what I did after I found out but for the second one, I saw this coming (a little bit). Still, it breaks my heart. I know it sucks right now and as much as it’s challenging to trust and believe in the Lord, I know that He does have a purpose on why this happened. I know He’s trying to teach me a lesson. I can only hope and pray that feelings aside I’ll truly be able to accept this wholeheartedly, learn from it and continue to live. It’s funny I mentioned feelings aside because I tend to be a very emotional person these days, not just being “emo” but also putting down myself too much, beating myself emotionally. I can only hope that the Lord will heal me and will give light to all these. Praise God for the people around me especially my parents! I know I can get through this setback with their help and guidance.

As I’m writing this, I am being brought upon to the last weekend’s camp’s verse “When I fall, I shall RISE.” (Micah 7:8). Wow, The Lord is truly funny and amazing. Maybe He was already preparing me for this moment. He probably knew that I would experience this that’s why the camp and the verse happened. I can only cling to Him and pray that these heartaches will go away so that it can give way to new things, to rekindle the fire and purpose in me. I know that after writing this, I’m still going to feel sad/angry at myself, etc. but I know whatever I’ve done, that nothing can stop the Lord from loving me, from reaching out to me. Ahh, the “Reaching” song, so applicable right now. It’s tough but I know that no matter what, He will be always be greater than my problems, my failures.

Credo! Spero! Amo!

Credo! Spero! Amo!

I Believe! I Hope! I Love!

Temptation is not of itself sinful. Even though we desire to do good, we are all tempted. No one is above it but we can choose not to act or react to temptations. According to Blessed Anthony Grassi when we believe, hope and love we can overcome temptations. We must also believe that the more we love the people around us, the more humble we become, the stronger we can resist to react and act to temptations.

The Sinner Veils

I recently started veiling.

There have been times where I would sin and feel so unworthy to wear the veil. But then, I also felt weird going into mass or adoration without it. So, I prayed, “Lord, I have sinned against you and I don’t feel worthy to veil myself. I also don’t feel worthy to walk into Your house without the veil. Please help me.” As I sat there in silence, the Lord said, “You are a sinner, my child, and my love for you will never end.”

As I reflected on this message, I realized that, in veiling and blocking your peripherals so you focus on God and your prayer, it’s even more reason for us sisters to veil because we are sinners. So our vision is narrowed and directed towards Christ, and we only see Him. Our desire for Him becomes overwhelming. It’s also humbling because in recognizing that you are a sinner, you lay down your pride and acknowledge that you need Him. 

Veiling has certainly allowed me to fall deeper in love with God and has planted this immense desire for Him <3

Wake up Lord, I need You

April 24-26, 2015 marked Red Deer & Ponoka’s second camp, Camp Rise. The Lord was so gracious and allowed us to reach out to 30+ youth; even some old members came to give their support. Praise God for such a fruitful weekend!

It’s been a few years since I was the assistant team leader for a camp. With everything going on at the same time (service in CFC-Youth and SFC, different volunteering areas, family, work), the few weeks leading up to the camp were pretty overwhelming. It was also a bit nerve wracking because this was my first time serving for a major event in a mission area. Arvin and I also found it challenging to meet with the service team since they were all from Red Deer, an hour and a half from Edmonton. Busy schedules with exams and extra-curricular activities resulted in incomplete service team meetings, but again, the Lord is so good! Despite these challenges, the camp was incredibly successful. Each member of the service team surprised me with how much they stepped out of their comfort zones to glorify God. Even the quietest one was able to give a talk. The thing that had the biggest impact on me was at the end, when the service team was sharing their experiences. One sister mentioned something about being a “fool for God”. I’ve heard this phrase so many times growing up in this community, and I don’t think I ever fully realized what this meant.

Being a “fool for God” means stepping out of my comfort zone, not just to the edge before actually crossing the line. I think, for a long time, I haven’t been able to fully step beyond the little line I drew for myself. With new opportunities calling me to actually take a step outside, I begin to feel my heart beat a little bit faster and the tears start to well up, more out of nervousness and fear than anything. How do I be a fool for God? How do I release the insecurities that are embedded deep to fully allow God to be glorified?  I don’t want to step out… but I know that every step outside my familiar shelter is an increase in trust in God and a chance to grow.

This quote from St. Augustine has been something that I’ve been reminding myself of in these recent overwhelming moments:

“When your heart is stirred up don’t allow yourself to be swamped by the waves. If, nevertheless, the wind blows us over – for we are only human – and if it stirs up the bad feelings in our hearts, let us not despair. Let us wake up Christ so as to continue our journey on a peaceful sea.” – St. Augustine

 

 

God is good all the time!

 GOD > Time > Right Now

I have this automatic tendency to dislike the concept of Time. Whenever I think of time, I either think about how much I dislike waiting or I worry about all the tasks I need to complete by a particular deadline. The former is probably the worst of the two because it’s often something I can’t control. To put it simply, when I want something or know something, I’d very much prefer to have/know it now instead of later.  This sort of impatience transcends throughout my life and I often find myself asking questions like, Why won’t God just tell me where to go? What is He calling me to do now?When will I find “the one”? Why haven’t I graduated school yet? When will I find a new job? Why hasn’t this person replied to my phone call, email, or text yet? God, why is everything taking so long? While I want everything instantly, I’ve learnt very slowly (how ironic) to find gladness in waiting. I say this now because I’ve experienced first-hand that God uses time to help the heart heal and grow fond of love and forgiveness.

To put it in perspective, recently a close friend of mine apologized for things they had done to hurt me, that ultimately hurt our friendship. It may not seem like a big deal for some, but I had purposely chose to stop initiating conversation with my friend without telling them. I avoided going on Skype, our main means of conversation, at all costs because I needed time be free from the hurt they had (unintentionally) caused me, but not in a way that completely limited them from speaking to me. I even thought to myself that if they really needed to speak to me, they could message me on Facebook or text/call me. But they didn’t do so for eight months until they sent me that long apology.

In this apology, my friend touched upon every single hurt and more. And it was very evident to me that they were truly sorry for it all. If my friend were to apologize to me sooner than they did, I wonder if I would have been strong enough to accept it and I also wonder if I would have been able to believe them. Although I was always ready to forgive them in the past, moving on was always the hardest part for me because I never knew when exactly I’d completely be over whatever it was that they did.

In the past eight months of not speaking to my friend, I was almost forced to depend on others, especially God. In this time, I grew self-confident in who I was and my abilities and capabilities because the more I focused on God, the more I was able to see my true self. Choosing to walk away from this friendship was tough because it was the first time I had ever done something like this; I even cried once in the process haha. But the amount of growth I’ve experienced and the lessons I’ve learnt were worth it because my relationship with God grew so much.

When my friend apologized to me, I turned to God right away and discerned if I should even reply. I spent 12 hours in discernment and God showed me through Scripture, old blog posts I had written in the past 8 months, and podcasts from words from Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI that I was ready. So I talked to my friend, forgave them, went through the necessary hurts these past few weeks, and today I still consider them as one of my best friends.

I know our friendship will never be the same and my expectations of them will never be the same, but in great sincerity and confidence I say, “praise God!” Confusing emotions and misguided words no longer exist in our friendship. We are great friends — nothing more — and that’s all I could ask for. I’m thankful to have my friend back into my life because as I witness their growth, perseverance, and joy, an additional beam of light is brought into my life. I’m blessed to have them be a part of my life again, and I’m blessed to be a part of theirs.

Time is a beautiful gift from God that I often misuse and abuse when I’m lazy, but when I use it with the intent of wanting to grow and wanting to give glory to God, then time is used at its full. I was so impatient about everything but I’ve learnt to be “compelled to be patient”, especially when it comes to wanting to know answers to life’s biggest questions.

Patience was my least favourite virtue because I thought it was just about waiting tirelessly, but I see now that being patient is about believing that God is always on time. Furthermore, being patient is about living moment by moment and enjoying it because God is present. He is present in times of joy, suffering, trial, doubt, and He is present in the moving on stages, where things seem the most uncertain. He never abandons those He loves. If I am hurting, I know I will be healed when God says so. If I’m doubting, I know I will be given faith when God says so. If I’m experiencing anything negative, God will always respond with goodness and love in His perfect time, whether that is right away or not.

Today I see that having the time to heal is greater than wanting to be healed right away because wounds don’t heal over a day. Sure scabs and such form over it, but deep wounds and cuts only heal over long periods of time, and then they develop scars. But eventually those scars fade with more time that the wound is only a memory in the mind, and not even a graze over the heart. In all of this talk about time being the healer of wounds, I believe more earnestly that God is the ultimate healer as He is not limited by time. So when I say having time to heal is greater than being “healed” right away, I also say that having God is much greater than this because He is the Maker of time. All events are created and respond to His voice.

God is good all the time. And all the time, God is greater. 🙂
Amen.

The Chisel and The Maker

In overseeing the preparations for the bakery, choosing the countertops has been the most agonizing thing (haha). From choosing THE ‘MOST PERFECT’ DESIGN,
to measuring out the exact length that is needed,
to ordering the exact size and having to decide with pre-made ones,
to having to measure the required pieces of the pre-made piece,
and then sawing it out and chiseling away the rough edges…

We are much like these countertops. Imperfect in design and size yet for some reason, the Maker – Our Father – chooses to bear patience in His design in us. Over the years, He has been measuring me out of what has previously shaped me in my ignorance and arrogance of Him. He has been sawing away those imperfections and chiseling away the rough edges. He has been removing all that is unnecessary, and keeping only what is needed in His perfect will, in works with my free will to submit to this design.

The thing is, like building up a bakery, it’s easy to carry hope in the vision of what it will become, but the process of getting there can be very tiresome and painful. The chiseling away and sawing off of all that is unnecessary can be very painful, hurtful, frustrating, sometimes in immeasurable lengths. But that is what has brought upon the beauty of God’s design through the cross.

The chiseling away may take time and a lot of patience, humility, trust, and perseverance, BUT through Love, the finished piece is always the most liberating and beautiful thing – NOT BECAUSE OF THE DESIGN – but because of the journey.

What I have come to see through the years is that despite of what we become, there is a design that God so excitedly awaits to chisel away in us. And even after our submission, it isn’t easy. When the process is ‘done’, it might not be the most perfect thing to someone else, but

Perfection lives within the Maker.

It is not so much about the design, but about Who the Artist was behind it all. Like most other artists (i.e. Michaelangelo, Picasso, Monet, Van Gogh, Warhol, etc), most people won’t necessarily know every exact art piece that was created by them – only a namely few ever could. But what is remembered is that the artist has brought extra ordinary amount of beauty to life, and the artist is forever known.

May God be forever known through His design in us, in our acceptance of His will, our perseverance in good faith, and in hope of True Beauty despite the pains of the chiseling and sawing away, Amen.

In You, I trust.
Most Sacred Heart of Jesus, have mercy on us.

TOTUS TUUS.

3/5

I just finished my third exam and have two more left for this semester. I only have one or two more courses left to do. This means I have one semester left after this one. I am almost done school and not only do I want to finish, but I want to finish strong. A lot of people want me to finish and graduate soon lol. The people that are motivating me to finish are my family, my household and God. I wouldn’t know where I would be without them, specially in terms of my education.

My family supports me in my education by paying my tuition and nagging me about my studies lol.

My household supports me in my education by praying for me and putting me on lock down during exam season lol.

My God supports me in my education by blessing me with the communion of saints, Mary and Jesus to pray and intercede for me.

These three groups of people know that I have a willing and passionate heart to serve the Lord, specially when it comes to CFC-Youth. It is exactly through that knowledge that they remind me that serving God is not limited to serving at events or conferences, but serving God in my current vocation. My education. I am grateful for the opportunity to be in school. I am so so blessed to have them in my life to guide me and support me in my education.

 

SHOUT OUT TO MY HOMIE ST. JOSEPH OF CUPERTINO. Home bro has that clutch factor from and with the Holy Spirit.

First Prayer
O Great St. Joseph of Cupertino who while on earth did obtain from God the grace to be asked at your examination only the questions you knew, obtain for me a like favour in the examinations for which I am now preparing. In return I promise to make you known and cause you to be invoked.
Through Christ our Lord.
St. Joseph of Cupertino, Pray for us.
Amen.

Second Prayer
O St. Joseph of Cupertino who by your prayer obtained from God to be asked at your examination, the only preposition you knew. Grant that I may like you succeed in the (here mention the name of Examination eg. History paper I ) examination. In return I promise to make you known and cause you to be invoked.
O St. Joseph of Cupertino pray for me
O Holy Ghost enlighten me
Our Lady of Good Studies pray for me
Sacred Head of Jesus, Seat of divine wisdom, enlighten me.