A Spiritual Balance

“(But) take care not to perform righteous deeds in order that people may see them; otherwise, you will have no recompense from your heavenly Father. When you give alms, do not blow a trumpet before you, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets to win the praise of others. Amen, I say to you, they have received their reward. But when you give alms, do not let your left hand know what your right is doing, so that your almsgiving may be secret. And your Father who sees in secret will repay you.

“When you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, who love to stand and pray in the synagogues and on street corners so that others may see them. Amen, I say to you, they have received their reward. But when you pray, go to your inner room, close the door, and pray to your Father in secret. And your Father who sees in secret will repay you.

“When you fast, do not look gloomy like the hypocrites. They neglect their appearance, so that they may appear to others to be fasting. Amen, I say to you, they have received their reward. But when you fast, anoint your head and wash your face, so that you may not appear to be fasting, except to your Father who is hidden. And your Father who sees what is hidden will repay you.

I still can’t get over with the homily last Wednesday. It was from Matthew 6: 1-6, 16-18. It was a gospel about the proper posture in almsgiving, prayer, and fasting. At first I thought this is just a guide how I can execute it better if ever I choose to do any of it.

 As I continue on reflecting and asking God what else in the gospel that He wants me to live out, He brought a different way of understanding the three. I believe He is telling me that in order for me to stay close to Him, prayer is not enough. There has to be a balance of the the 3 – almsgiving, prayer and fasting. That my lifestyle at all times will revolve around the 3- to give cheerfully, pray faithfully, and fast regularly.

Personally praying at all times is given, it’s a must. However my view on fasting and almsgiving is different, I still see it as an option and can be done only on when I want to. The Lord is telling me to do all of these at all times. I believe that the best way to feed my spiritual life is by living out the three.

“Lord you are God and in you all things are created. You made us in your image and likeness. Teach us to live our lives like your Son Jesus – He practiced almsgiving, prayer and fasting. May I be able to do the same. Lord may all three be my lifestyle as I continue on growing in the spirit. May I cheerfully, faithfully and regularly do it.“

Candy

Philippians 1:29

Wandering Heart

I think when your heart wanders then the rest of you follows.  I find that doubt and fear enter and you see a different picture, you start to feel what is infront of you is now larger than you.   Your vision becomes narrow.  Because of those things then your whole attitude changes, you become negative of yourself and surroundings.  When you realize it and you do, you see this wall is actually not as large as you thought, you begin to have more faith, you laugh at the doubt and fear you brought on yourself.  This challenge is now one that you accept and claim its victory.  You begin to hear the Lord saying “come back to me, look at no one else but me.”  Your obstacles remain but the direction is clear, you can see the path ahead of you and move through faith.  Like he says we live by faith and not by sight.  A wandering heart now becomes a heart centered on our Lord.  Only our faith can help us move forward.

@itsmetimmm

Rest in Me.

When I think of answering the call of the Lord, the fear that I have isn’t exactly rooted within the call itself but my ability to answer it.

This last MV SHOUT, there were random moments when I felt uneasy. I was constantly questioning the state of my heart and internally beating myself up over the smallest things. I found myself focusing on my weaknesses and limitations, as a person and as a sinner.

On our last night, we were asked to write out personal covenants to God and place them on a giant cross. I remember kneeling before that very cross and pouring my heart out to the Lord:

Lord, I don’t know why, but there are times when I feel so unworthy. I am filled with so much fear and anxiety that I honestly don’t know what to do. All I can do is lift everything up to you and place it at the foot of your cross.

By his wonderful grace, The Lord responded:

My child, let me take you back to my time on Earth…

jesus-in-gethsemane

The image of the Lord’s agony in Gethsemane entered vividly into my mind. As I tried to comprehend the image before me, I found myself reflecting on the torment the Lord must have experienced in his mind – the fear and the anxiety he must have felt, knowing what was about to come.

The Lord spoke clearly.

“Don’t act like I don’t understand what you go through. I understand everything. This is exactly why I gave you this cross so that you and I can be in communion with one another. Be free and rest in me. I understand everything. In the same way that I carried my cross and claimed my victory, so will you. My child, I am here with you in all your fears, your anxieties, and your weaknesses. Rest in me…”

Man, when the Lord comforts, he REALLY comforts <3

Lord, let your love be my strength. Let your love be my shield.

“Fearless”

“Awkward Llamas”. “SFT”. “Intrepidus”. The search (and jokes) for a name for the most recent MV batch continues. One name, however, seems to stick out like a sore thumb to me:  the “Fearless Batch”.

In getting to journey in the lives of the East MV at SHOUT last week, and after a reality check on my own calling, I realized…. there are indeed many reasons to fear the call to Mission.  So many. It is true when they say that mission is beyond ourselves. His Calling is out this world. It really does make us tremble in holy fear.

It’s this fear, however, that draws us closer to God’s embrace.  For 5 days, we worshiped together, lived together,sharpened each other,  RAKed Oakville, Ontario together. Prayed for the Mission. In the midst of all this, we celebrated 2 convocations, and supported a brother through a loss.  I couldn’t help but inwardly exclaim, “this is what a Missionary Family is”. Never alone. Never without purpose. Always One in God’s presence and promises.  Called to proclaim and bring out the joy and love that overflows from hearts surrendered to Him.  There may be much to fear, but always much more cause to celebrate: the Sender of our Mission is the most loving Father of all.

 

Miracle

I was able to witness and experience something so beautiful. I am rarely given the chance to kneel and pray along side my mom. During this week, the statutes of the Blessed Mother and Sr. Santo Niño were at my house visiting. For the first time in a very long time I was blessed to pray the novena with my mom. I truly saw the Lord present. We both giggled with joy and happiness as we prayed. I was able to see the Lord within my mom. Praise God! Such a small and simple act, yet something so beautiful in my eyes, a small miracle I would even say. Though my mom doesn’t go to weekly mass I am able to witness the Lord working in her. And I know He has a beautiful plan for her. This has really allowed me to stay patient with my mom and trusting that the Lord has a plan it just needs to happen perfectly in His time.

Thy will be done.

Beautiful Brokenness

rosary

There is so much beauty in vulnerability.
There is so much beauty in being broken.

     I was excited to attend the Eastern MV SHouT and my entire week was organized so that I could arrive at the venue on time or even earlier. However, during a one on one with a brother, I was notified that my grandfather, Tatay Earl, was rushed to the emergency. Usually if it was a minor problem, only one of his sons or daughters would be there, but this time all three daughters accompanied him. That is when I knew something was serious.

     When I arrived home, my mom asked me to help my aunt and my brother bring Tatay back to the hospital the following morning. I quickly agreed and the following morning, my brother and I were picked up by my uncle and we headed to pick up Tatay from my cousin’s house. The past several months, the whole family noticed a drastic decline in his strength; He was more fragile and more dependent on others. We lifted him onto the passenger seat, something we never had to do before, and headed off to the hospital. Tatay was still pretty strong, he was even joking around with the nurse that tended to him, and conversing with us while we were with him in the hospital. When it was time, I was comfortable leaving him, confidently knowing that he’d be okay.

     I headed to the MV SHouT, being a couple hours late, and was welcomed by the beautiful sisters and inspiring brother, of Eastern Canada’s second MV batch. Everything was good; I was excited to be there and ready to witness what the Lord had planned for me, and oh how loudly He spoke. During the GTA SHouT, the Lord focused on the areas in myself that needed to be exposed and brought to light. During the MV SHouT, He focused on external areas of my life that I needed to work on. One of them was family.

     On Friday morning, I was contacted by my cousin to head to the hospital, Tatay got worse, all of our family was told to go immediately to the hospital. On the previous night, the last session was centered on family, oh how the Lord works!

     When I arrived at the hospital, nothing could have prepared me for the state I saw Tatay in. It was too quick. Everything just dropped. However, praise God that He was still responsive when we spoke to Him. I was able to share with him the plans for my future, and I was so affirmed when he approved. Thank You Lord. Most of my family was present and my family from Windsor was on their way. We stayed with Tatay the whole day. He was finally moved into a private room where the entire family could surround him.

     All of the cousins knew that Tatay wouldn’t want us to just stand around him, looking at him, and feeling sorry. We knew he always enjoyed watching us having fun with one another. So, we continued to be the crazy family that we are, and started a Riff Off (Pitch Perfect reference) in his room. We sang for hours, laughing and spreading joy. Deep down I know Tatay was enjoying himself as well.

     We were still waiting for one family from Windsor to arrive and because of how strong Tatay has always been, I guess my family thought that he would be able to wait for the other family to arrive. We left to go back home, I was dropped off at the SHouT house and the rest of my family went back home. I felt fine, I wasn’t worried at all for Tatay. It felt so natural that Tatay would still be there when we got back.

     After waking up from a nap I took in the brother’s room, an hour after I arrived, I checked my phone to see if there were any updates on Tatay, only to see a text from my brother that read, “Tatay passed”. One of the Kuyas from the SHouT house arranged a ride for me and an Ate offered to drive me to the hospital and another sister came to direct her. Thank you so much to you all, I cannot express how grateful I am for you.

     On the way there I was nervous, anxious, scared, and had so many mixed emotions. My mom called me and I heard the uneasy, shakiness in her voice and that she was trying to hold back her tears. When we arrived at the hospital I quickly ran into the elevator. When the elevator opened, my youngest cousin saw me and pointed to the room where Tatay was. I ran.

     I entered the room and saw him. I wasn’t ready. As I approached, I kissed his forehead and a waterfall of tears ran down my face. The sight of him. The sounds of my family that surrounded him. I wasn’t ready.

     I was asked to lead the rosary soon after. It was the hardest thing I had to do in my life.

     The whole time he was in the hospital he was praying the rosary. I was told that right before he passed, his last breaths and the last bit of his strength was used to move to the next bead of his rosary.

     There was so much brokenness in that room. So much vulnerability. So much love. It was beautiful.

Thank You Lord for the life of Tatay. Thank You for blessing this family with a strong, faithful, and generous man. Welcome him into your loving embrace. May he rest in eternal paradise with You, our Blessed Virgin Mother, all the angels and saints, and Nanay.

Love you Tay.