True North Missionaries Journal – Page 188 – "For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain." Phil. 1:21

Sacrifice. Obedience. Discipline.

With every good decision we choose to make starts with sacrificing the little things you love and hold close to your heart.

I’ll admit, I live a comfortable life with my family, friends, and the things I do on a regular basis. It is very easy to live life comfortably and it is very easy to forget the privileges the Lord has blessed us with.

I’ve made a vow to live not for myself but to live for the glory of God. Strip away anything that is not of Him and live simply, even if that means living uncomfortably. With sacrifice comes obedience and with obedience comes discipline. I’ve made little sacrifices in my life that has helped me to become more sacrificial in unnecessary things, stay obedient with trusting God more, and disciplining myself.

I’ve come to realize how much more love I’m able to give to the Lord and to others by making these little sacrifices. The more tempted I am in breaking these promises, the more I turn to the Lord for guidance and strength. I’ve come to appreciate the little things in life that make my life blessed!

Appreciating life to its fullness brings a greater amount of joy and love than anything this world can offer.

We are all called to live simply, appreciate our blessings and not only should we love until it hurts but continue to love BECAUSE it hurts.

Serra House

In the beginning of 2012, in my prayer I felt the Lord calling me to something big and so for the year I had been anticipating this big thing God had planned for me. As I journeyed through my service as a sector head, none of the events I served for or the major things that happened that year satisfied this big call that was lingering in my heart. After each day I still felt that there was something greater.

Near the end of 2012, the Lord called me to serve as the Area Head of GTA. I thought this was the big thing the Lord had me search for.

In February, the Lord provided an opportunity for me to attend a Come and See weekend at St. Augustine’s seminary. On the Saturday night, there was a planned social for those that attended the retreat to relax and hang out with the seminarian brothers there. We gathered first in the chapel to pray the liturgy of the hours and instead of going with everyone else, I stayed in the chapel. There was a peace there that I have never felt before. It was very familiar but also something that I longed for, and so I remained there for a couple hours. I just wanted to stay with Him. I just wanted to be with Him.

I then started attending a bi-weekly vocational discernment program. It started to become my nourishment. I tried my best to attend every single one and the odd week that I couldn’t attend I felt very empty (the same feeling like when you miss a household). It soon became something that I craved, something that I longed for.

After the vocational discernment program had ended, I met with the vocational director of the archdiocese of Toronto. I shared with him that there was a possibility that I would apply to the seminary for September. After talking a bit about how I felt called and my circumstances, he asked me what is holding me back from applying. I told him that I just wanted to make sure that there was no more doubts in my mind before I made the decision. The vocational director then told me that there will always be doubts and I will never be completely ready. After Father had said that, I already knew my decision.

Every decision that had led up to my application to the seminary was always peaceful. It felt natural. I finished my application during the beginning preparations of the Eastern True North Conference. Although I was able to keep busy with TNC prep, an anxiousness built up in me. As Conference drew closer, there was no answer from the archdiocese whether I was accepted or not and the anxiety continued to build.

I was asked to lead the closing praisefest on the Saturday night but I hesitated. I didn’t want to say yes because I felt that my water to wine experience wasn’t good enough. I thought, “I only applied to the seminary, I didn’t even get accepted. How is my application even a victory?” Throughout the entire conference I hoped that just before I went on stage, the vocational director would call me and I would be given the results of my application but to no avail there was no call.

Still, I stepped on that stage and I poured my heart out. I said yes to Him once more and trusted fully that my current situation and where I was exactly, is where the Lord wanted me to be in order to lead that prayer. I said yes despite my own plans happening. I said yes despite not even believing in myself.

When the Conference ended, my parents arrived at the venue to pick my sister and I up. When my mom stepped out of the car, she approached me immediately and handed me a letter and said, “This came for you in the mail.”

I was always affirmed by the little things. In the past year there was always little tugs in my heart whenever religious life came up in discussion. There were actually times when the tugs were so real that I would just scream because I didn’t know why it was happening. I was scared of what would happen. It wasn’t in my plan, my entire life I dreamed of having my own family (with 15 kids, haha).

After I sent in my application, in the most random times I would have this feeling in my heart that was both joy and peace. I heard the Lord whisper to me, “I am here, waiting for you. I will embrace you here. I will love you here.” The feeling would penetrate my heart so deep that I would have the urge of just running to the seminary, even if I was in a car on the highway I wanted to jump out and just start running. I just wanted to be with Him. I just wanted to fall into His arms. I just wanted to surrender everything.

In my entire life, I would have never expected that I would enter the seminary. Even when I spoke to some of my friends from high school they told me that out of our circle of friends, I would’ve been the least likely to ever join. The Lord had a plan for me, no matter how many times I fell. As long as I stood up again and gave Him another yes, everything was going to be okay. Actually, greater than I could have ever imagined. His love always wins.

I can’t believe that the guy who would swear after every other word, encouraged everyone to get drunk, indulged himself in mostly all sinful desires would one day strive to live a life of chastity and purity, devoted to the Lord. God is so amazing! How great are you Lord to save me, heal me, free me, bless me, love me! There is no one else but You. There is no other love that is greater! You are everything, You are all that I need. My King, my Saviour, my Life. I cannot express how overwhelmed I am. I cannot express how much I long for You. Thank You Lord. Praise God! Praise God! Praise God!

I love you Lord!

I enter the seminary tomorrow.

Late Have I Loved You

Today we celebrate the Feast Day of Saint Augustine of Hippo. So many had been written about him and it is but good to be inspired by his life and works. I would like to share an excerpt from the “Confessions”, one of the most widely read book aside from the bible. Here it is:

Late have I loved you,
beauty so old and so new,
late have I loved you.

And see, you were within,
and I was in the external world and sought you there,
and in my unlovely state I plunged into those lovely things
which you made.

You were with me, and I was not with you.
The lovely things kept me far from you,
though if they did not have their existence in you
they had no existence at all.

You called and cried out loud and shattered my deafness.
You were radiant and resplendent, you put to flight my blindness.
You were fragrant,
and I drew my breath and now pant after you.
I tasted you, and I feel but hunger and thirst for you.
You touched me,
and I am set on fire to attain the peace which is yours.

Thank you Lord for the gift of Augustine. Amen.

Patience is a Virtue

Often times have I been told that patience is what I need to learn, and often times have I thought that I have finally done it because I learned to be patient. However, when the Lord calls us to be more loving or more patient, or even when we ask to be more of something, it is something that we must prepare ourselves for, for a lifetime. There is no virtue, no trait, no skill that anyone can ask for that will ever be completed in a lifetime. And with patience, I have found that it is not one experience that I need to grow with patience in, but my whole life… every single day, and every single part of it.

How many times have I let each day go by, looking for “the message”? Looking for affirmations of everything? Although it isn’t entirely bad, it also isn’t the greatest. That is something I learned from experience. If I constantly look for the answers myself, how much room am I leaving for God to lead me to them? If I am constantly thinking, observing, analyzing, I will never hear or see the simplicity of His blessings around me. I will fail to see the answers when they’re right in front of me because I have created my own distractions by trying to break down these messages myself. I must admit, there have been many many times that I have done this, agonizing over what the message could be, when sometimes, all He’s waiting for is for me to lay back, settle down, and sit beside Him so I can hear His whisper. Then, it is in that silence that I sigh in relief, laughing at how simple and how much greater everything truly is.

So when the Lord says, “Be patient,” it is not a matter of replying with “Be patient with what, Lord?”
It is a matter of saying, “Yes, Lord,” despite of not knowing exactly what it is because often times, it isn’t about one thing or two. Sometimes, it is simply about discovering the importance of that virtue and how I can personally grow in it in.. Not in one thing, not in two, not even in a million other things, but in everything, big and small.

“Patience is not the ability to wait, but the ability to keep a good attitude while waiting.”
– Joyce Meyer

It is another opportunity to have FAITH, to HOPE, and to LOVE.

“Patience with others is
LOVE;
Patience with self is
HOPE;
Patience with God is
FAITH.”
– Adel Bestavros

Giving What We Have

Charity and chastity go hand in hand.

This simple message has been resonating in me ever since the priest at Holy Rosary said this in the confessional about a week ago. It’s never occured to me until then just how much one relies on the other.

Often times, we offer so much of ourselves in our service, that we fail to do so with charitable hearts. If we are lacking the virtue of charity, It is because we fall short in being chaste. Chastity is much more than control of our sexual desires. It is a discipline, presence of mind, and self-awareness. It is a simplistic pureness that is to overwhelm both the internal and external senses.

We experience that, although “our heart is in the right place”, we fail to uphold a chaste life. Charity without chastity is death. It often leads to a distorted Truth that our actions are always justified so long as our intentions are pure. However, that is rarely the case. Our hearts may have a yearning to give, but we can only give what we have. Charitableness loses it’s meaning if it is not bearing on good soil.

I believe St. Joseph is considered the chaste spouse not just because he upheld Mary’s virginity, but also because he was a protector. Just as he is protector of the universal Church, he protected his very own family. Though often we hear that we must protect ourselves in order to preserve our chastity, I also believe that chastity itself protects us. It protects us by allowing only that of the Lord to remain in our hearts – our thoughts, our actions, our intentions. We can only give what we have. The more we fail to live chastely, the less of God’s pure goodness we can exude and the more we fail to love. St. Joseph’s chastity affirms us that living a chaste life allows us to love unconditionally, with great charity, and with a posture of relentless giving. His chastity (that is, a constant mortification and a deep integrity) allowed him to live his vocation of love towards Jesus – as provider, protector, teacher, servant.

Even more necessary than St. Joseph’s intercession is our ardent desire to love and to serve as our Blessed mother did. We must fix our gaze upon Mama Mary in those times we fail to firmly root our actions in love. Every mention of Mary in the Gospel shows our lady exuding three divine charisms – joy, obedience, and charity (love). She was annointed by God with the vocation of none another than an Immaculate heart. While Joseph was, in a sense, an ordinary man with an extraordinary vocation, Mama Mary was an extraordinary woman who perfectly and flawlessly lived her “ordinary” vocation (to love and serve) in its absolute fullness. Our Lady is the prime example of how a pure and chaste heart purifies all actions and intentions, never leading astray, and always putting others above self simply because the Lord simply asks.

O what I would give to witness the moment of her Magnificat.

What the Lord was trying to tell me was that in the midst of the ever-continuous refinement (by virtues and by grace) lies an even more deeper Truth – my soul must be chastened in order for my heart to remain charitable.

Our Lord says, “Remain in my love.” I never really understood that until now. He calls us to remain in him by protecting our hearts from all things that could prevent us from giving, and loving, for the sake of God’s glory. Remain chaste through acts of charity. Remain loving through righteousness and chastity.

A Chaste Soul. A Charitable Heart. In all these things, Lord, make me a wellspring, giving everything that I have received and receiving only that which I am willing to give.

Amen.

In the Silence of my Heart

You Speak – Audrey Assad

Sometimes I am dumb. I forget that the Lord is not like people. Sometimes I serve simply for others – because others are happy with results. But our God doesn’t work that way. He is happy with you. When you serve whole heartedly and with love, regardless of the outcome, He is happy with you.

A lot of the time I work only on the outward me. I focus on the service that others see. But God asks for more that what people see, because He sees the real you – the true you – all of you. A lot of the time I am frustrated and angry with all the chaos that builds up inside myself because I am trying so hard to please everyone else. It pushes out my prayer time and love for others.

But work is just work, and it is nothing if there is no one to do it for. God calls us to love Him and to love His people. That is the work. And I think in my discernment it is the same. I discern for what other people want of me. What does everyone else need? But, the question really is, what does God need from me?

In the silence of my heart Lord, speak.

You liberate me from my own noise and my own chaos
From the chains of a lesser law, You set me free

Peace, Love, and Joy

I’m still overwhelmed by what the Great Lord has been able to bless me with these past few weeks. One thing is certain – the Fruits of the Holy Spirit are real!

In my past experience, leading a music ministry always brought out the worst in me. I’m passionate about music (especially worship music) to the point that I get easily frustrated when things don’t sound the way they’re supposed to sound. It’s more than acceptable to strive for excellence and to give all that we can in order to make the music enhance worship rather than make it a distraction, but it should never come at the expense of ruining friendships and relationships.

I’ve never practiced as often as I did for WTNC – at least 3 practices a week for two months and full day practices the week of. One thing was for sure… In the busyness of practices, I wanted to make sure that love was the reason why all of us were giving our time, talent and treasure. Weekly Skype sharings, lots of laughing, fellowship over meals, going to daily Mass, watching movies, and many many exhortations… These were things that we were able to do despite the demanding service of Music Min. Normally I’d be opposed to some of those things (especially the fellowship stuff) because it would take away from practice time. But my time in the community has shown me that two things make this community as blessed as it is: Christ and Christ-centered relationships.

I was nervous come the day of conference, especially for LIVELOUD. My heart was racing and I was pacing back and forth. I kept thinking about what I would say or how things would go. Then I got prayed over and I started to feel overwhelmed. Despite my unworthiness, the Lord still called me. I remember waking up that morning feeling happy because I knew that the Lord woke me up for a purpose: to help others experience His love through LIVELOUD.

At the end of LIVELOUD, I was sweating like a pig. My voice was gone. But I had the biggest smile on my face. I didn’t care if there were mistakes. In fact, I don’t even remember if we had any. What mattered was that when everything was said and done on Friday, everyone was filled with the Spirit of Joy. And it would stay with them throughout conference and beyond it.

Saturday rolled around and it was going to be a long day for Music Min: 2 worships, 2 reflections, 1 praisfest, and practicing for Sunday Mass and praisefest. It overwhelmed me knowing that there was a lot to do in a short amount of time. My tendencies started to kick in – overworrying, getting easily frustrated, freaking out… However, I tried my absolute best to do everything with a smile on my face, never to compromise relationships or friendships.

Everything was going really well. The Lord was surpassing my expectations. I was even blessed to have our Music Min CC’s constantly buy me ginger tea to help my voice! SPECIAL THANKZ TO TITO NELSON AND TITO NELSON! Best Music Min CC’s in history! Then, during praisefest on Saturday night, my guitar string broke. I clearly remember this because I started to freak out. It was during Have Your Way and I had to run and grab another guitar. It took a lot of coordinating with the stage managers but it worked out. I remember that clearly because 1) the sound tech didn’t mute my guitar so you heard the ‘POP’ sound when I plugged it in (Sorry Andrew!) and 2) the guitar strap wasn’t adjusted properly so I was using the guitar in a very very very awkward position. Normally I’d be frustrated but I think at the end of the night, I was just too happy because a) my brother Isaac led praisefest, b) music min was able to all participate in writing and saying their own vows and c) nothing can overshadow the victory of being able to make a commitment to God with an open heart.

After the program ended on Saturday, Music Min needed to practice for Sunday Mass and praisfest. It was 12:15am and we only had until 12:30am. We barely got through anything and normally I would be freaking out, especially for Mass because the liturgical music matters to me the most. But, instead of showing my frustration or lost hope, instead I smiled, said words of encouragement, focused on the victories of today, and reminded our committee to not worry about tomorrow – because it’s already a victory.

Sunday came and everything turned out better than I had expected. Once again, the Lord shattered my expectations and despite what I felt to be disorganized, the Lord really organized everything and made it beautiful.

At the end of conference, we shared words of affirmation to each other in our committee. One brother shared that he might forget the worships, or the chords, the lyrics to the songs, the different arrangements… But he will never forget the relationships that were formed within the committee. Those were the words I wanted to hear. That was a victory that mattered to me. Another brother shared that he realized that the Lord really never abandons us, and that it gives Him hope and comfort knowing that the Lord is always with Him. Those were the words I wanted to hear. That was a victory that mattered to me. One brother shared that this his expectations were surpassed because God blew them away. It was his first time serving at a conference in a big role and throughout his experience, he realized the wonders God can do through His faithful servants, ones who are willing to do whatever it takes to serve, love, and honour Him to the best of their ability. Those were the words I wanted to hear. That was a victory that mattered to me. A sister shared that this experience serving in Music Min gave her the courage to say YES to a greater calling in her service back home. Those were the words I wanted to hear. That was a victory that mattered to me.

When the Spirit touches our lives and moves within us, we never remain the same. The Lord always transforms us and changes us into wine, the BEST wine. I’ve never felt so much peace, love and joy after a conference. And I knew it was because I experienced Christ. I experienced Him through the Eucharist at Mass, through the worships and praisefests, through the talks, but in a very special way, through each brother and sister in the Music Min. Thanks to you, I am a witness to the Fruits of the Holy Spirit. Thanks to you, I have experienced God’s peace, love and joy. Thank you:

Margie “watch me open this door even though it’s locked” Banda,
Jeff “Bimbo 2.0” Dejos,
Geleen “sing the time has come” Faustino
Joseph “national leaders summit” Valeroso,
Charmaine “air piano” Mateo
Rudolf “we’re in too deep” Cagalawan
Nathan “why do you always end songs on the IV chord!?!?” Guevara
Mikey “I don’t know what you’re saying because the spotlight is in your face” Raymundo
Paolo “urrplanez” Dantes

“And I am with you always, until the end of the age”