True North Missionaries Journal

Emotions are like roller coasters. They fluctuate so much. The highs, lows, loops, and topsy turvy turns are endless! I have a fear of heights, but since I’m crazy I’ll go on this ride anyway. In fact it’s the first one I go on whenever I go to Canada’s Wonderland. Not just once, but twice, three times, four times….I go, because I know that it’s worth conquering my fears for. I know that after 3mins, 10 secs I’ll be standing back up. I’ll be ready to do more.

Life is a roller coaster. Sometimes you’re up and sometimes you’re down. Sometimes the view from the top is so breathtakingly beautiful and sometimes you’re so scared that you just close your eyes ignoring the view. Sometimes at your lowest, you can’t see the peak and you just feel as if you’re never going to get there so you hold your breath. And sometimes you can’t help but anticipate the fall after the high…then you just end up torturting yourself. So much for enjoying the ride.

But God is so good to me that despite my nature to worry and have an extra anxious heart, He still finds a way to provide me “bubble wraps” of hope & love. Small as they may be, but as a whole it protects that which is sacred & important- his beautiful promise. I can’t get over how creatively he speaks to my heart. He knows how much I delight over the tiniest details and the smallest fractions of “fact”. This past Friday was so full of Easter Eggs; tiny puzzle pieces revealed that lead me closer to the bigger picture.

I may not know where the ups and downs are specifically placed in my life, but I do know that at the end of this ride awaits the Father. I imagine him saying to me, “Congratulations! You survived! You know, I designed this just for you. I hope you didn’t close your eyes too much along the way, because the view from the top is out of this world! I put all your favourite things there, making sure each sight was worth beholding and pondering. I wanted it to be worth conquering each one of your fears. Come join me, now you have the rest of heaven to treat as your playground.”

Deo Gloria.

I was just reading an email that I was planning to send to my leader way back in 2007, asking permission to step down in our service because of the following reasons:

1.  My studies – I was trying to finish my designation
2. My family-my  eldest son was going into Grade 6 and I needed to spend time helping him with his school work
3. My prayer time – I felt my prayer time was being affected by my service

I never sent this email; we never stepped down, thank God!

From 2007-2013, here’s was happened:

1.  Our service increased, I was asked to serve as CFC-Youth National Coordinator in addition to our service as CFC Calgary Family Ministries leaders
2. I finished my CGA designation in 2010, my final exam was during intensive preparations for the CFC Conference in Calgary but God made everything fall into place
3. My eldest son is now in Senior High, my second son in Junior High and youngest in Grade 3.
4. We got busier as my kids got involved in more competitive soccer
5. There are more worldly reasons for me to step down now

But the Lord made everything fall into place.  I keep this email in my draft box to remind me that there will be times that I will not feel like serving but to never give in to the feeling.

Yes, we can think of all the reasons for us not to serve but I learned that as we allow God to take control, everything will fit perfectly.

Praise you God, the best organizer, not even Google calendar can beat you when it comes to managing our time! Amen!

After being able to serve at a West cluster Youth Power event, the lesson learned and lived that constantly is on my current mind is,

Be charitable. Not just to the poor, the poor at heart, but to even those as young and innocent as our members. Every action counts. Everyone deserves to be shown the light of Christ we as chosen missionaries have been shown every single day.

Lord, You’ve given me so much. Allow me to share. What is mine is Yours. What You’ve given is to be shared.

 

I was waiting at the local transit station, waiting for my bus and as I was waiting, I found myself asking (out of nothing else but genuine curiosity), “Lord, is it really true? When we give (and I mean truly give), do we really receive it back in one way or another? I mean like, if we did something for someone when they were in need, will they do the same for us somewhere along the way? And if so, would it be towards a similar need in the future? How does it work?“ 

 

Now, the place that I live in isn’t exactly a city. In fact, it really isn’t a city at all; It’s a town. So the amount of regular local transit buses (“long buses”) we have are 8, and only 5 of those run EVERY day. Aside from these buses, there are 2-4 “community” or “special” buses (“short buses”) that only run for a few hours in the day. ALL the local buses also don’t connect to other cities or towns; they run solely within our town. The bus that I take is bus 5. And while I was waiting, I looked around to see 2 short buses. One that just left, and one that was still parked at its bus bay. Then, a while later, I noticed the regular buses pulling into the station…

They all leave around the same time, so I began to look out for a long bus (Bus 5). When the last short bus and a few of the regular buses started to leave, and my bus wasn’t in sight, I decided to ask one of the bus drivers waiting around:

“Excuse me, would you happen to know where bus 5 is, or when it’s coming?“
The bus driver looked around, and I saw him staring at where the short bus used to be.
“I’m sorry,” he said, “it just left!” I was surprised because I actually spent the last 15 minutes, looking at that bus, thinking that it wasn’t my bus yet because it was a short bus! However, there was another bus I could take that would take me to another stop, which would be about a 15-20 minute walk to my house. But when I started inquiring about it, I just saw it leave the station… Oh the luck… hahaha xD

Suddenly, another bus driver cut into our conversation and said, “Excuse me Miss, where are you heading?” I answered, “Philbrook and Hepburn… I actually just missed my bus…” All of a sudden, without any hesitation, he said, “Oh it’s okay! Come with me! I’ll take care of you!”

Now most people would feel uneasy about this, but for some reason, what he said made me feel at peace. So, I thanked the other bus driver and went towards the other bus. When I looked at the sign, I saw a random street on the sign that I wasn’t familiar with (also because this bus route was one of the newest additions), but I thought MAYBE it’s a new route that passes by my area! So, I got on the bus, paid my fare, and took a seat near the front. When we left the station, the bus driver picked up the radio, and next thing I know, HE’S CALLING THE BUS DRIVER OF THE BUS I WAS SUPPOSED TO TAKE! O.o  He was asking about where he was, and he asked if he could wait at a nearby stop so that he can transfer me onto his bus! …The bus driver… a complete stranger, went out of his way to make sure a passenger would make it home. I could’ve waited for the next bus, but he went out of his way…

Now in my town, the transit system is a little different. When you pay your fare, you can only ride on one bus and make one transfer, ONE WAY. So when he spoke to the other bus driver, he told him to not ask me for any fare, and to just let me on. And just when I thought he couldn’t do any more for me, when we met the other bus, he parked literally RIGHT BESIDE THE OTHER BUS SO THAT I WOULDN’T GET HIT BY ANY VEHICLES DRIVING BY! He also inched a little forward, letting the front peak out, so that there was enough room to open the doors. I got on the bus, and I made it home, safe and sound.

And then that’s when it hit me… When we truly give, it really isn’t what we are giving that matters most… what matters is the very reason we give. What matters is that we are giving out of love. And when we give all our love in that very act of giving, we receive with the very love we gave with. What we are called to give is nothing materialistic, nothing that is monetary, not even the sacrifice of a certain deed alone, but LOVE. So ultimately, what we will always eventually get in return is true, genuine love.

This is when it also dawned on me… All this happened after I asked the Lord about what happens when we give. The moments of love I just witnessed to in that bus driver was God’s answer for me:

“One man gives freely, yet grows all the richer;
another withholds what he should give, and only suffer want.
A liberal man will be enriched,
and one who waters will himself be watered.”
– Proverbs 11: 24-25

 

In my journey, I have come across two states of emptiness:

• The first kind of emptiness is one that is fruitless. You experience a “desert” state. One that feels lonely, dull, and ultimately self-centered. This is a state that does not acknowledge the presence of God.

• The second kind of emptiness is one that is fruitful. An emptying of self –not self-centered, not lonely, not desert-like. One that rejoices in this empty state as an act of self-giving to the ever-present God.

I have come to experience both several times, and what I have found the toughest is to go from the first state of emptiness, a self-centered state, where I am unmoving, to the second state –the state of self-giving, and abandoning myself to God.

What I found in the middle of the two, the bridge that moves me from one to the other, is the realization of mercy. God’s love and mercy are very present, and very real. When we forget one –generally we forget the other also. It is this realization of love and mercy that is so powerful, and yet always attacked. Two of the greatest lies from the evil one are about God not loving us, and God not forgiving us –ultimately two of the Greatest Truths.

This Truth was made flesh through Jesus Christ. When you have trouble going from one state to the other, let us remember our Merciful Redeemer! Empty yourselves before Him, and surely you will be filled by the graces that we could have only attained through Him. In this kind of emptiness, we will grow.