Longing for home

I’ve always had a longing for home. I can remember, even when I was little, thinking to myself, I wanna go home. Sometimes I’ll be on the skytrain after a long day, sometimes I’ll be in the middle of a party, sometimes I’ll be laying in bed. There is just a deep, longing feeling inside for someplace else. And though I love my house, my family, my friends, there is something more out there, and I know it.

And I’m pretty sure I could go anywhere in the world and still feel this feeling. I know that there is no place on this Earth that could satisfy this craving for home. I could be incredibly comfortable, feel incredibly loved, but there would still be more.

I used to people watch during Mass a lot, which is tough because my mom always wants to sit in the front. For years I would focus on daydreaming, and other people’s shoes, and what people were wearing, for that one hour. Then one day I decided to actually participate in the Mass. And then I found it.

That moment, during the Eucharistic prayer, when the priest holds up the bread. And you know. You know it’s going to turn into Christ. And inexplicably there are butterflies in your stomach, an excitement that no other can match, like coming home after a long rainy day, or seeing someone you love after years apart – but not even close. And then Christ appears. And it is better than any fairy tale because This Guy literally died for you, and He literally lived for you. And then, that longing for home, it’s gone, because this is it. Because everything good on Earth could envelop you and it would be nothing in comparison to that small piece of bread that is our Lord and Saviour.

Earth is tough, I get lost easily and I scare easily. It’s big, and there are so many choices to make. But I know He has a plan for me here, which is greater than my imagination could ever consider. I know He calls me to do so many things and go to so many places in His name. But I know that He is constantly whispering to me, to remind me that we are not meant for here. And I do know that all my heart has been searching for is Him.

Career meets Christ

I’m pretty scared. Pretty nervous. My stomach and head are racing as time draws near…So why? BUT first…

“Blessed is a man who perseveres under trial; for once he has been approved, he will receive the crown of life which the Lord has promised to those who love Him.” -James 1:12

When I was a teenager, I always wanting to pursue the career of a chef. Honestly, it took me forever to get to where I am today in terms of a career. Well, here I am today…in the Culinary world. On Tuesday, I will be going to Qatar to be of assistance of opening a restaurant.

That’s pretty big. Big for my career, my family etc etc. I’m pretty good at keeping my composure when it comes to how I feel about this upcoming opportunity…but honestly…

I’m pretty scared. I have to let my skills and my food do the talking. I’ve never felt so pressured in my life to perform in front of important people as to what I can do as a person with passion for food. I often think in my head what could happen if this happens or what should I do if this happens…and yeah, my worries, and my uneasiness I guess got to the way I was living the last few weeks.

This is pretty personal, so apologies if it gets long.

I was seeking the support of others. Sorry, let me re-type that. I was fully relying on the support of people I knew I can rely on. More than God. I was fully looking for someone or people to just reach out and just simply be there. More than I looked to God. It hurt just to think about it. To think about traveling and being responsible alone. Made me even more scared when God didn’t let any of my desires happen.

BUT….

I guess that’s why God really let me have this time alone in the last month. Not just to develop that thick independent skin, but to have a dependency on HIM. To also remind myself that the things I deny myself from, especially the desires and good things, more and more blessings will come from aligning myself with Him in this way.

Then I think about the possible career ahead after all this…or what else I am today other than a cook/chef whatever…I am a missionary. A missionary who desires to go onto the roads less traveled. So maybe there is more to why God is letting me have all this time alone…not just prepping me for the current now…but preparing me for what is to come later on. I feel God is telling me to not just live in the moment, but to grasp every blessing and lesson learned for the moments where I will need it later on.

This is a journey of career meets Christ. I think I’m getting close in aligning the two together.

Lord, I know there are things you want me to set at Your feet. I’m denying myself as much as I can in order to hear Your footnote. Allow me to be vigilant in the journey ahead and take that for the journeys to come. I’m so scared. You know that. Allow me to not only find rest in Your embrace, but to fully rely on You. Prepare my heart Lord. These times of trial are reminders that this is just the time where Your hands are molding me to the finest detail. LORD I SURRENDER. My plans, my desires, my everything. You are the one that knows me most. You are the one that gives me hope. You are the one that I live for. I love You.

Amen.

 

The Hole

When I was a child I watched a lot of baseball with my brother, uncle, and grandfather. I used to imitate the swings of my favourite players (Ken Griffey Jr. had the best swing). One day I was in front of a large mirror in my living room practicing my swing with a hallow white plastic pole. The thing was, my parents made it clear to me to not practice swinging inside the house because I could break something. Well, they were out that day and I was confident I had a good grip and doubted that it could leave my hands because, you know, I was a professional baseball player. I started with light swings while checking out my form in the mirror. Feeling more impressed and confident with myself I decided to swing harder and harder so that it looked more realistic. I swung so hard that the pole flew from my hands and into the wall! I couldn’t believe my eyes. The pole thrusted right into the wall and remained sticking out. I froze for a good 2 minutes in disbelief. I eventually removed the pole and when I did, I could see that it left a extremely obvious black whole in the wall. I had no idea what to do so I left it there hoping my parents wouldn’t notice when they got home.

When I could hear my parents pulling in, fear surged and coursed through my whole body. I immediately went upstairs to my room on my bed which was on the top bunk, sunk my face in the pillow and curled up as close to the wall as possible. I could hear a faint cry in the distance “oh my, what happened?! Why is there a hole in the wall?!” Then I could hear steps going up the stairs. My parents came inside my room and realized that I did it because I was already crying. I couldn’t even look at them because I felt so shameful that I broke their trust and disobeyed them. I thought they wouldn’t love me anymore. I slowly turned around to face them with tears in my eyes and I said “it’s my fault, i did it. I’m sorry.” They first looked disappointed then I think my mom said, “don’t worry, your daddy can fix it.” They reminded me that they said it would happen that I would break something and to not do that again. They hugged and kissed me and I felt a great feeling—that I had never lost their love.

My point is, we fear to hurt those we love. The more we know someone loves us, the more we should be afraid to lose that relationship of abiding love. God loves me, and when I gravely sin against Him, I cut myself off from Him. I defiantly say to Him “I don’t want you in my life, I want what I want and You can’t stop me.” It’s like when I said to my parents in my heart “you can’t stop me from being disobedient and swinging this pole.” My disobedience to my parents left a hole in the wall, but my disobedience to the Lord leads to a hole in my heart. A void that grows larger each time I disobey.

Even as a young child, the Lord gave me grace to have perfect contrition. At first I felt bad because of the consequence I would receive from damaging the wall. However, when my parents were actually in my room, I felt bad because I sensed how much they loved me, and how much I hurt them. It was the reason why I cried so much.

Heavenly Father, may I be filled with fear at the thought of sinning not because of my fear of eternal hell, but because of simply hurting You, You who loves me eternally and unconditionally. Help me to have perfect contrition for my sins and to completely turn my life around in repentance. When I cannot stand, Lord, I will fall on You so that you can help me move forward on this journey in Your grace, always remembering Your great love for me. Amen.

MIheartND

” We are not called by God to do extraordinary things, but to do ordinary things with love” – Jean Vanier

This week I’ve been contemplating on my intellectual capacity and ability in understanding God. This is my first time in 20 plus years where I did not have to go to school in the Fall. It’s only been a month since school started…and a part of me secretly misses it. I’ve been preoccupied with deciding on which books should I read, if I should take up a supplemental theology class, or should I just ask a Priest. My craving for knowledge continues…

How can I know God…
With the appropriate intellectual understanding.

Today, The Lord wanted to remind me and reveal to me something greater.

I went to mass this evening with my family at my local Parish.
As we stood up for the entrance hymn, I watched the Priest, he Deacon, the Lecturers, and the altar Servers passed by.
I noticed one Altar Server in particular…
She was the one holding the cross up.
She had the biggest smile
She’s about my height 4″11…a little shorter
She had short curly hair, with glasses
She looks like a 14 year old
But when I looked closer I realized that I’ve see her before…she was the same girl who was altar serving more than 10 years ago.
So in reality she would be in her late 20s
You can see that she was different from the other 3 boys
But she didn’t seem to care

As she held the crucifix between the palm of her hands.

I observed her
Kneeling
Bowing
Knowing when to bring up the water
Knowing when to it was time for the Eucharist
She knew each segment of the Mass
And did every gesture with a smile.
She knew that her service was for Him…
And no one else.

I realized that what that girl has is something that I would not have been able to learn in class or from a book…

Though her intellectual capacity may not be like mine
It was clear that her HEART for The Lord was bigger than mine

” My Child, I do not care what you know…it is how you love that pleases me”

 

—

Lord God,
Thank you for continuously pushing me to step out of the box. For reminding me that You O, Lord are far greater than what we believe we can encompass in our minds. Instead of being so fixated with gaining knowledge and concerned with the types of books I wanted to hold in my hands...I should have been more concerned with being able to hold YOU in between the palms of my hands. Lord allow me to continuously seek you with my heart and not with my mind. Teach me to love infinitely and beautifully, just like you. Amen. 🙂

Voices

As Mission Volunteers, those discerning to be Full Time Pastoral Workers, majority of the time the question that crosses our heads are “what am I willing to give up?” 

It’s the norm for young adults in their twenties to either be: in school to finish a degree, graduated and looking for work, or already working. We think about the things we are to sacrifice: all those spent years, time and money at school, a secure and steady job, the familiar faces of family, close friends, relationships… the thought of letting go or being apart can discourage our hearts, and weaken the fire within us. 

It’s true. Many times in my discernment, I’ve had these thoughts, these worries, these doubts. Voices of people in my head, that make me feel like I need to justify this call. If only they can see the pain in my heart, because of this call. If only they can see how my soul longs to say “Yes” to Jesus, and that what I’m actually discerning for, is not only to be a FTPW or my vocation, but instead for that “Yes” that puts me at complete and total surrender to Him. The “Yes” that let’s His will be done. The “Yes” that was written in my life. The “Yes” I long for. The “Yes” that leads me to Whom I long for.

So, out of all those things what am I willing to give up? Nothing. Because I have nothing.

Those years and money spent on school? They are all His.

My secure and steady job? Not mine, but His.

My family, friends, relationships? Gifted to me, but are all His.

Instead, what I’m willing to give up is my idleness, complacency, mediocrity, and ignorance. I am willing to tune out the voices of this world, and focus on The One who spoke not in my ears, but to my heart. I am willing to finally let Him lead. I am willing to trust, to be vulnerable, to be loved… to love.

Jesus, I trust in You. Lead me to the “Yes” that God has prepared. Keep my discernment, and the discernment of my fellow MVs pure. Protect us Lord, from any evil or doubt or worries that lead us away from You. Allow us to focus on Your voice, to let The Spirit lead, and to trust in Your promises. Amen.

 

 

Embrace – Day 5

These are my current service roles:

  1. YCOM Area head of Vancouver
  2. YCOM (1/2) National Program Head
  3. Mission Volunteer (Vancouver Missions Sea-to-Sky Chapter)

Throughout the past year and a half or so, it’s been difficult to find a balance.  When one of them seems to flourish, the others seem to suffer.  When all of these seem to flourish, my personal, family, and faith life seems to suffer.  Why is it that the Lord blesses us with so many ways to honour Him, yet when we try to take everything on, we fail?

Simple.  We fail because life turns in to a checklist.  Life turns in to a series of challenges that we have to overcome, tasks that we need to complete, goals that we need to attain.  Yes, we are called to make sacrifices in our life and we are called to overcome adversities.  But moreover, we are called to do all of this with faith, hope and charity.  Our Lord God endured his “mission” by way of embracing not simply by carrying.

A missionary heart doesn’t grow through an accomplishment or service.  It grows through intimate love of the Lord.  From that intimacy, everything comes easy.  Time is managed.  We learn to prioritize.  From establishing that deep love for God, he takes care of everything else – whether it’s through the gifts of the Holy Spirit or His sanctifying grace.  We must remember that we don’t serve the Lord expecting for something in return.  We serve the Lord simply because we love Him.  Just as we greet our friends, the first thing we think about is embracing them out of sincere love for them, not “are they going to reciprocate the feelings” or “will they hug me back”.

Our service should be as simple as an embrace.

I was once asked by someone who wasn’t in the community or a Catholic how it was like serving or being part of a church.  He was always so curious why I would spend my weekends losing sleep instead of partying or expanding my network.  He was also very curious as to why I would attend the Holy Mass at Holy Rosary every lunch instead of going to the Pub with them.

More precisely he asked: “How does it feel to be a church-goer?” (out of sincere curiousity).
I remember saying exactly: “It feels like God is constantly embracing me.”

I didn’t realize at the time just what exactly I was saying, however little did I know just how right I was.