True North Missionaries Journal

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

At the beginning of my second year as a MV, my mentor suggested for me to be desperate before The Lord and beg for answers. I felt that there was still something in my heart that The Lord wanted me to know before He threw me into the deep. There was a missing piece in my heart that was hindering me.
It was at the MV SHOUT where…
The Lord revealed to me His heart.
His most precious and Sacred Heart.

He was calling my heart to long to be as sacred as His.

I knew in my mind and in my heart that
It wasn’t fully possible for my heart to be as sacred as His.
So I thought to myself…
“How would He affirm me if I was on the right track?”
“How do you measure the ‘sacredness’ of one’s heart?”

BY PUTTING ALL THE PIECES TOGETHER.

Two weeks ago I witnessed a Baptism & the beauty of a Marriage.
The Guloys…our previous Couple Coordinators (Previously Montreal Area Heads back in the day) are blessed with a third child, Kyle. We celebrated his Baptism and welcomed him into the Catholic Community.
This was a sign of their fruitful marriage.

As I watched them surround baby Kyle at the altar…I couldn’t help but sense a a strong presence of joy!
Joy was truly present that day.

The next day, I went to a family Thanksgiving dinner. Our families decided to come together, enjoy each others’ company, and eat good food! At the same time this was an opportunity for us to also spend time with our uncle who has decided to move to the Maritimes and become a Trappist Monk.
The cousins sat around him asking if he was excited and why he decided to dedicate the rest of his life living such an extreme lifestyle.
He just smiled…
and told us that that there was always a piece of his heart that knew that he was called for this.
This is where God was meeting him, calling him to live a life of work and prayer.

His expression of love is to glorify The Lord in everything he does.
Love was truly present that day.

A few days after…I experienced Reconciliation.
It was a whole different experience this time around.
I usually go by myself.
This time…Jesse & I both went.
It’s been a while since we went to confession together…we would usually have to plan it out.
This time we didn’t even discuss that we were going to go…we both just knew.
Experiencing the state of Grace with others is so much more beautiful!

There was peace in my heart.
Peace was truly present that day.

On Sunday I was able to witness a Confirmation at the Mass I attended that evening. It was a special Mass celebrated by the Auxiliary Bishop of Montreal. As the new confirmed man professed the beliefs of the Creed, I was overwhelmed by how strong the Spirit was.

A grown man coming to The Church is a true sign of faithfulness.
Faith was truly present that day.

But, today was a special day.

I was heading to meet up with my coworkers for dinner,
but they told me that they didn’t end up staying at the restaurant and had already left. I was already in town…so I decided to go to Mass at my favourite place,

Sanctuaire du Saint-Sacrement ( Sanctuary of the Blessed Sacrament)
in the heart of Mont Royal.

As I walked into the church…they just finished singing the opening hymn
So I scurried to get a seat.
I was sitting towards the middle in the back.
One of the reasons why I love coming here for Mass is because the
Sisters/Brothers of Jerusalem sing every part of the Mass…but in French.
It is so beautiful.
Another reason as to why I love coming here is because the Sisters randomly Chooses someone from the congregation to bring up
The Body & Blood
Just a few minutes before the offertory.
Ever since I’ve been attending this Mass I’ve always wanted to bring it up.
I never got the chance.
It’s like a secret wish that I carry in my heart every-time I go to Mass there.

I was sitting near the back…
and I thought to myself, maybe next time I should come a few minutes early and sit near the front so that my chances of getting chosen would be greater!

When it came time for the offertory, I saw the Sister peer from the side of her seat and looked into the congregation. I was curious to see who she would ask.
She walked down the aisle,
As if she was looking for someone she knew
Stopped
And kept walking…
I was looking ahead to see who could it be.
I thought we locked eyes
but she was looking at the person a few seats infront from me…
So I turned away.

A few seconds later I felt a tap on my shoulder.

I smiled & nodded.

My heart leaped.

As we were lining up…She handed me the bread to carry up.
I looked at it and I couldn’t believe I was carrying the soon-to-be Jesus in my hands!

Why me? Why me? Why me?

And all I heard The Lord say was…

Why not? Why not? Why not!

After I received the Holy Eucharist.
I knelt back down in my pew.
And it was then when I realized what just happened.

THE PIECES CAME TOGETHER.

I realized where I was.
Amongst the sacred of all sacreds.
The Sanctuary of the Blessed Sacrament.

A Sanctuary in its original meaning, is known as a sacred place.
The Sacraments were considered signs of sacred things.
The Latin word sacramentum means “a sign of the sacred”

The Lord was surrounding me with sacredness. And affirming me in my anointing.
At that moment I was affirmed that the way to sacredness is by witnessing, experiencing, and participating in the Sacraments. In hindsight I realized what the Lord has been surrounding me with…Baptism, Marriage, Holy Orders, Reconciliation, Confirmation, and the Holy Eucharist.

Though I may not be able to fully obtain complete sacredness,
He gives us the gifts of the Sacraments
So that we may be able to taste the beauty of grace and
Experience the sacredness the Lord longs for us to witness within us.

I have come to terms that my heart will never be fully sacred…and that missing piece will always be there…but I am comforted by the fact that every time I am able to participate in the Sacraments, that missing piece in my heart will become smaller and smaller every-time.

O Most Sacred Heart of Jesus, may my heart mirror yours.
O Most Sacred Heart of Jesus,
Pray for us.

Amen 🙂

Recently someone asked me if I remembered what it was like to fall in love for the first time.  Those moments when you speak to that particular person and you can’t help but stare deeper and deeper into their eyes. Then all of a sudden, you snap out of it and look somewhere else quickly. It’s your way of saying ‘No, not yet. Too soon.’

Yup. Too familiar.

Growing up, I’ve always been told that my eyes say too much. The amount of times my mom has warned me not to stare because I was too obvious. My eyes revealed too much of my longing and my desire. My eyes deceived me. So I learned not to let people stare at me for too long. It was like expecting a glass house to conceal the rooms inside; everyone could see right through, even if they didn’t mean to.

“Our relationship with Christ is the same” – that’s what my friend wanted me to realize. Sometimes, when it’s with the right person, we can choose to let our defenses down and allow them to see what’s inside our heart.

So on Day 5 (Sunday) of my commitment-to-prayer journey, I decided to take my friend’s advice. I would let Christ see me, with my guards down. I went to mass with fellow MV/long time friend Erin Gonzalez. Instead of sitting at my usual spot at the very back of the church, I confidently walked us to the front of the altar: fourth pew of the middle aisle. It was uncomfortable, but I wanted God to know I was willingly making myself vulnerable.

And let me tell you, it paid off. The homily that the priest shared was a direct answer to all my questions.

Imagine that sky diving was the number one thing on your bucket list. You commit to the in-land trainings and finally you’re staring at the wide open sky. You’re about to jump. You’re all geared up. But you want to be sure once more. So you turn to your flight instructor and ask him, “Hey is my pack secure? You sure this thing is safe?” The instructor turns to you and says, “Ummmmm…I’m not sure. I think so. Yeah, must be.” Would you still jump?

Now imagine the same exact scenario but this time the flight instructor also happens to be your best friend. You turn to him and ask, “Hey is my pack secure?”. Your friend grabs both of your shoulders, stares at you in the eyes and says, “Yes it’s secure. I can guarantee that because I prepared it myself. I bet my life on it. It’s safe. I promise you.”

I was sitting so close to the pulpit that the priest’s voice was extra loud. This was Christ saying, “Trust me. Let me in.”

That was enough to break me.
As consecration happened, I remembered the second part of my conversation with that friend:

“Sometimes we have to allow ourselves to keep staring. Why? Because love happens. In that moment intimacy is established and deepened. How? Because we allow ourselves to reach new levels of vulnerability with the other person. We let the other person stare back. Don’t look away. Don’t even think. Don’t let your mind wander.”

So I stared. And I’m happy I did.  From my POV, when the priest held up the host, it aligned perfectly with where Jesus’ heart would be on the gigantic cross behind the altar. I kept my gaze fixed on Him and didn’t stop looking even when I wanted to. And love did happen.

It hit me so suddenly and quickly that I lost control of my emotions. MY heart got caught in my throat and I was fighting back every urge to cry.  I knew that He affirmed an unsaid prayer in my heart about NALS. I didn’t vocally admit it at my adoration visits or state it during my rosary rounds. I didn’t have to. He just knew. I asked him WHY, and this is what He said:

“Because I love you. Because this is what I want for you. Because I didn’t want you to just learn about hope. Or feel hope. I need you to BE my hope for others to see. And you can only do that if you go there. Not for you, but for me.”

As if on cue, the music to Song of a Servant played….

“You are precious. You are Divine. You are mine. I die everyday to remind you of that very fact. I would take this cross over and over and over again just to make you understand that. You are worth every drop of blood that bleeds out of my Most Sacred Heart. So jump, my love. I prepared this personally for you. All that’s left for you to do is just jump.”

Nothing but tears. As strong and free flowing as the Niagara falls.

I walked straight to adoration right after that mass, and kneeled right in front of the monstrance. He met me there again. Still no words. Just a longing stare that revealed all of me.

And it was then that I noticed that at the base of the monstrance was a repeating imprint of ‘M’ interlocked with the cross, otherwise known as Mary’s miraculous medal.

“You never had to ask me for NALS because Mom requested it on your behalf. She sees it all and brings it to me. She found it even when you tried to hide it. You stood with her by the cross. You both looked at me, and it was there that I knew you loved me too. I’m glad you finally figured it out. Mother Mary is the key, because she will ALWAYS lead you to me.”

John, behold your mother. Mother, behold your son.- John 19: 26-27

In the same way, the Lord continues to affirm me that my discernment for Full Time Pastoral Work is where I can best reveal His greater glory to others. All these years without even asking for it specifically, He already knew  that this is where I could jump freely and be saved so that I could Be and Bring Christ wherever else I decide to go.

After our first day at the HOLD Conference, I had a wonderfully unexpected heart-to-heart with a beloved sister who was also serving at the conference. We were both exhausted, but I remember lying there in bed, with our eyes unable to remain open, talking and listening, sharing our struggles and blessings.

When I asked her how she was, she told me that she was joyful. So joyful, in fact, that she was no longer able to remember any other past before it. In the dim light, I remember mirroring her joy and telling her I knew exactly how she felt. Then she told me that she felt guilty for being so joyful… she started losing touch of her previous life and the sin(s) that came with it. She continued and said that she wanted to remember the things she had done because in some way, she didn’t deserve to forget. I can recall exactly how I felt at that very moment. I felt this warmth spread and I couldn’t contain my happiness as I turned around in bed and looked at her from across the room and smiled. “He loves you enough that He let you forget.”

In homage to the wrongs we have done, we try and remember our sins… We hold on to them, thinking that by remembering, we are somehow holding ourselves accountable for the wrongdoings we have committed.

We have a forgiving and loving God. If joy has been planted into our hearts, we should let that joy continue to spread so that it can overflow. The person you have chosen to be is what matters. Take all those sins from your former self and nail them to the cross, for who are we to continue to house them within ourselves when our Father has already set us free? We can use our stories as testimonies…  We can acknowledge our wrongdoings: “This is who I was. But this is who He has allowed me to become. You will not always experience what you are experiencing if only You let Him in.”

Let us proclaim the love of a Father, who will never withhold this love from His children, as unworthy as we may be.

What decision will make God #1?

I’ve been reflecting on a lot on how I can make God #1 in my life. After all, I am called to love, honour and serve Him above all else. What everyday decisions am I faced with that will allow me to make Him first in my life?

It’s important for me to recognize that God is calling me to do little things with great love Great Love. Being and bringing Christ is not limited to selling all my possessions and following Him. It encompasses being selfless in every act. Opening the door for someone, paying for someone’s coffee, picking up garbage… it’s just about following in the footsteps of Mother Theresa and St. Therese of Lisieux.

When I do little things with Great Love I am placing Jesus at the forefront of my actions. I am literally bringing Him in whatever I do. I believe that this is how all of us are being called to make Him #1.

 

It’s been 8 months and 12 days since I submitted my application for the Mission Volunteer Program, and while that may seem like a long time, it can be seen as a singular moment in the non-linear perception of time that our God possesses.

God transforms. Moments at a time.

This past weekend I was blessed with the opportunity to serve at the first-ever North American Leaders Summit for CFC-Youth Canada and America, and although I experienced God in a very real sense throughout the weekend, I felt as though there was something preventing me from fully experiencing His grace.

—

I’m currently sitting in a Blenz Coffee in Surrey Central City, and just a few moments ago an elderly man with alzheimer’s approached me and asked if he could sit down next to me. What proceeded was a conversation where he detailed key moments in his life where he experienced challenges. His son being gay, his drug addictions, his wife taking charge of the family due to his complacency, his multiple mental illnesses, etc. What’s amazing is that after he was done sharing he asked me, “Is there anything I can do for you?” At that moment I was about to break down and cry because this man who could barely remember my name knew exactly what I needed, to be taken care of.

—

Back home in Montréal I’ve been the oldest CFC-Youth member for years now. I served as the Area Head for 4 and a half years, and the entire time I felt as though every misstep was my fault since I was supposed to be a strong brother. I felt responsible for every single leader and member, and at times my concern would prevent me from experiencing God’s grace even in the successes we had. One of my deepest desires as a leader, which was instilled by former Montréal based Full-Time Pastoral Worker Arnold Rodriguez, was that men have the amazing ability to be the ones to lead sisters to Heaven.

The photo above was taken on the Friday night of the NALS. Pictured are all the delegates from the Canadien Region of Montréal and Ottawa; Chrisann Alvarez, Aren Jancinal, Brinely Jimenez, Ellish Maigue-Talacca, Alyssa Pambuan and Ellen Maigue-Talacca. That’s me in the middle. Being surrounded by sisters I can’t help but feel so blessed to have be given the chance to care for them and their safety. This is the same mentality that I apply to my region, but sometimes in the stress of it all, I felt alone.

I have a family that cares and loves me.
I’m blessed with an amazing girlfriend that cares and loves me.
The Lord has given me a great sense of community back home in Montréal.

But I’m my stubbornness I sometimes fail to recognize how I am being cared for, and it’s led me to doubt my anointing as a leader at times. I’d like to apologize to the Core Group of Montréal for not coming to you when I needed you, and for failing to see how you’ve taken care of me.

—

For the past 8 months and 12 days I’ve been praying that God might send me a way to feel comforted in my loneliness. I travelled to Toronto, Windsor, Michigan, Vancouver, Seattle, Whistler and New York in this ever extending moment in search of an answer, but I never found what I was looking for.

God decided to reveal Himself to me at the NALS. He found me where I was.

The photo above is myself alongside 3 fellow MV’s from the Metro Region; Thea Lape, Nica Agregado and Mier Rivera. Again, that’s me in the middle. These 3 sisters have played an important role in my life as an MV ever since we spent a week cooped up in a house together last June. To be blunt, these sisters are insane, but in a very good way. They push and challenge me to pray, to be better and maybe without even knowing it, they take care of me. In the photo I’m not smiling, but my message to these sisters is to know that in that moment, my heart was smiling.

I don’t know exactly how, but God managed to put together exactly the right circumstances for my stubbornness to be broken during this NALS through these sisters. They drove me around, they made me laugh, they made me smile and it was all out of a selfless desire to allow me to experience God.

I now know that likewise, sisters can be the ones to lead me to Heaven.
Praise God.

This is what I take back home to my region.
This is what I take back home to my family.
This is what I take back home to my Hannah.

I feel like I’m ready to lead again.
And at this moment, this is me at my most vulnerable.

Jesse R.
“I Am, and We are Missionaries”

The recent North America Leaders Summit spoke to me so powerfully and personally, God never ceases to be amazing.

 

Here are my reflections from the weekend:

I am not alone in this work, there are people equally or more passionate in serving God in this ministry

The mission is not just my city, my province, my country but the world

Changing the face of the Earth is not impossible; our God is the God of the impossible

Even in our mistakes, God is glorified as long as our hearts and intentions are pure

 

I’ve seen the future of CFC in the faces of our CFC-Youth leaders, what an amazing community this will be and what an amazing world there will be.

In the listening session of NALS, the Lord spoke intimately to me.  The one that struck me the most was from Jeremiah 1:5 “Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you”.

What an amazing, touching and assuring feeling being prayed over by the youth leaders and Couple Coordinators of CFC-Youth.  It’s such a scary feeling to be entrusted with such a big responsibility and I know much sacrifice will be asked of my family.  I know the feeling I had when 3 years ago when I was asked to lead the ministry in Canada, I said Yes first then I peed my pants.  It’s now the same feeling although 5 times scarier (Yes, I peed my pants even more).

What I can say is that as you say Yes to God:

He will surround You with the best people

He will equip you in ways you can never imagine

He will be there to raise you up when you fall

To the next phase of CFC-Youth North America, Go for GOLD on SILVER!! ONE NEW WORLD!

God is great!