3/52: Balance

There is so much to be thankful for, I’m sure I don’t have to present the laundry list of blessings we all receive on a daily basis!  What I will comment on is how we often we tend to complain and stress over them.  I am guilty of this =( 

Maybe we’re feeling overwhelmed. Maybe we’re doubting our capabilities.  Maybe things are piling up and we’re beginning to get anxious about all that is expected of us.  We spend so much time worrying about the tasks as opposed to doing them that we get lost in the mix.  How can we even begin to serve our Lord, if already at the start we’re hindered?

I’ve come to be reminded that BALANCE is key.  If we are at an imbalance in our lives, how do we plan on tackling all of our tasks and responsibilities?  How can we properly share our Lord’s message? How can we remain firm and steadfast to win the race?

More important than reevaluating our priorities is PRAYER!  Prayer is what offsets all those tasks we have to take care of.  And if we’ve got a lot of things to do then that also means we’ve got a lot of praying to do!  It is through prayer that we receive the graces to handle such things, that allows us to centre ourselves in Christ, and gives us the freedom to rest in the Lord after a long day’s work.  Prayer, both, grounds us in our faith but it also motivates us into action!

Mother Teresa once said,

 “Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow has not yet come. We have only today. Let us begin.”

Let us balance our lives with prayer and realize how much of a blessing each day is.  Let us be good stewards of our time, talent and treasure and make the most of each day for our Lord.  Let us not bog ourselves down with worry or anxiety or complaint and realize our Lord walks with us daily, therefore is with us every step of the way.  Let us begin…

Swan Song

What do I deserve?
Let me begin at the end.

Over the next few days I’ll be preparing to move on from CFC-Youth and the Mission Volunteer Program in order to fully transition into the SFC ministry. My time as an MV has enriched my life, but rather than making the rather narrow minded claim that it was simply time well spent — ‘spent’ inferring that one’s time is to be treated like currency… that to which I would strongly disagree — I’ll say that it will remain for me, a time treasured.

—

Deserve

I’ve been fixated on this word for the past few months now. There’s an incessant struggle on the battlefield of my inner monologue focused on the relation between what I feel I deserve, and what I desire in life. Can they be one and the same? Or is my human nature causing the former to be a selfish and deluded manifestation of the latter? Whatever the answer, there is a clear and very real conflict that stirs my heart when discerning where the Lord is asking me to be. The only solace I take joy from —  which I’ll admit is a rather contradicting idea — is that a life without conflict would be severely lacking if it were lent to produce an interesting narrative. So at least my life isn’t boring :p.

The Lord deserves excellence, that much has been made clear to me in this community by witnessing the youth in a perpetual chase of greater aspirations. I however, am a failure by every possible worldly definition, my academic history alone can attest to that. Heck, even in my own loosely defined meaning of success — which at times I use to justify my inability to act — do I consider myself to be a failure. Yet hidden somewhere in the collection of moments that results in my life — which contain both successes and missteps — is a silver lining, in that the Lord will always find success in me expressed through hope. Hope for a future with Him.

The Lord has blessed me richly, but in all honesty I’m still kind of a train-wreck. Most people don’t see it since I have the reputation of being calm and even, perhaps to a fault, stoic. But I know that in my reflections the Lord has continually asked me to be an open book of sorts in order to persuade revelation in others to see that it’s ok to be lost in desire, if only it results in finding the Lord.

Truthfully, I am a man deeply rooted in desire. I wanted so desperately to become a Full-Time Pastoral Worker for CFC-Youth Canada, but even in processing ongoing feelings of unworthiness and rejection, God still managed to quietly transform me into a missionary. Whatever form this takes over the next period of my life is still yet to be determined, but I am joyful in the fact that I was given the opportunity to experience life as an MV. So for those thinking of applying to the program, know that if you truly desire a life of mission, I implore you to apply for MV and the Lord will make it so.

I’ve learned that my life is not tied down to my own plans or expectations, but rather, the result of who I am today is due to a combination of loving acts by those who love me, and my own personal attempts to reach holiness. As an MV I had people who loved me, who prayed and interceded for me, people who I basically allowed to have a hand in my life narrative. This led to the truest and most beautiful representation of the joys found in community life that I’ve ever experienced. It’s through the relationships that I’ve held dear in this program that the Lord revealed to me that in order to trust Him fully and without hesitation I needed to lovingly accept the vision that others have crafted so delicately for me. Praise God for relationships.

Exposition and exploration of desire is a crossroads that ultimately leads to nowhere but in the Lord.

—

The Lord somehow managed to masterfully design a journey for me where my desires led to my concept on what I deserve to be changed.

Objectively, the very idea of being deserved of anything is subject to a a selfish undertone.
Objectively, no one deserves anything!!! (Which is my subjective opinion :p)
BUT the Lord left us with a promise, one which I firmly believe He’ll deliver on.

So whether my thoughts and prayers over the past few months were rational or irrational, logical or illogical, true or misguided, the Lord found me where I was, took my hand, and led me to this place of peace.

So what do I deserve?
I deserve ABSOLUTELY nothing, but I will nonetheless be given the best in love.

— — —

On a final note, after re-reading all of my blogs thus far, I’ll be the first to admit that my relationship with God and the way in which I choose to love Him is sometimes leaning too heavily on the intellectual and rational side. But a former MV now turned seminarian, Kris Gardiner, once suggested for me to love the Lord the same way I love my girlfriend/fellow MV Hannah Pambuan, that is… with my heart.

And so, I will love the Lord with my heart,
I will love the mission as I love the Lord,
I will love Hannah as I love the mission.
That is… with my heart.

Praise God for the gift of mission. Mission leads to God’s perfect plan for the family. So here at the end of all things do I stand with great joy supporting the mission in whatever capacity the Lord asks of me, undeservedly so.

– Jesse R.
“I Am, and We are Missionaries”

P.S. Words are fickle, so speak with intention. Whatever the result, know in confidence that it comes from The Lord.

P.P.S. This is as much for me, as it is for you 🙂

Of Question and Answer

After all these years of mission, there were plenty of times when I felt tired, dry and empty and so it is now, it comes sometimes occasionally and sometimes frequently. These kinds of thing make me question why am I here in the first place? Why am I in mission? What if I live a different life? Tiredness, dryness and emptiness really drive us closer to the question that matters in life, whether we like it or not.

Affirmation, consolation and blessings of course come along, unexpectedly most of the time. But the questions linger on… and so I’ve learned to live with it and came to the conclusion that sometimes questions are much better than having answers. There are things that are beyond my understanding and to accept it is to “understand” itself.

However, though questions persist, life and mission itself continues. And I found that as long as I continue my life and mission, answers do come along the way.

So is this journey worth walking for? As long as I am with God and my life is for God, I believe I am on the right direction and the journey is more than worth walking for.

Mission after all is for others more than self and so while we question, we continue the mission, we fight the good fight and run the good race, because as G. K. Chesterton said, “The true soldier fights not because he hates what is in front of him, but because he loves what is behind him.”

At the Beginning

If I could sum up how the past week has been, I think I would do it best in the ways others have reminded me of the simplest advices I’ve received in life:

1. Life verse: “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and rely not on your own insight.” (Proverbs 3:5) When we live for the Lord, life is not tiresome, stressful, “too busy”, etc… Life lived fully and completely with the Lord is JOYFUL!

2. HOPE; do not EXPECT! Expectations are built upon what the human mind knows and all worldly facts, but hope sprouts from the moving of the Holy Spirit in our hearts. And from the heart, the Spirit brings hope into the rest of us. And all hope leads us to faith and love.

3. Love above all. Love above sin. Despite of all pains and all hurts, the most courageous thing to do is to love…not when it is easiest, but WHEN IT IS HARDEST.

In the past few days, I’ve found myself diving deeper into the personal struggles in my life. But… PRAISE GOD! The difficulties were good reminders of how real the world is, but above all,  how real God’s love is above everything. My hardships remind me that I will not always know how to cope with something, and they remind me of how imperfect I am. And it is in saying this that I know that in anything, I am called to ask for a deeper presence of our Father in my life. Without God, I am nothing. All in all, these instances and reminders remind me to say, “Lord, every day… every moment, this is for You. All of me… all of my hopes… all of my dreams and desires are from and for You, alone… Holy Spirit, take control of me. Lord, I love You so much… You are my all.”

If I could basically sum it all up, I think Disney could speak for me (once again). God tends to do that… bring me back to all these childhood/ childlike memories and songs… and maybe that’s what life is about. We need to begin as a child to grow up and be broken (or go off into some sort of adventure), only to realize that at the end, it’s about going right back to the beginning. Only a child can understand what it’s like to be childlike, but we need to be adults to be conscious of ourselves and of God to truly understand what it’s like to have a childlike faith. At the end of the day, the only conclusion I can make is this: God is, was, and always will be my beginning: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nV3WvlqRwdI

Who are my Friends?

The gospel yesterday was from Mark 2:1-12. It talked about the paralytic man who was carried by his friends to the roof of the house where Jesus was. This gospel keeps me grounded and grateful of what the Lord has given me.

If not for the concern of the four men, they would not have exerted so much effort for him. If not for their commitment and dedication, they could have stopped as they were approaching the overflowing house. If not for their resourcefulness and teamwork, they could have hurt the man as they were pulling him to the roof. If not for the trust and belief that Jesus can make him better, they could have not gone at all.

 

“Lord Thank you for giving me my family and friends. They are your gifts. Lord I pray for the people that you have surrounded me with that they will not get tired of looking after me. I pray also that as I am looking after other sisters, may I be bold and courageous enough to carry them to the roof, open the roof and lead them to Jesus.”

 

Candy

Philippians 1:29

 

 

Moments to Much, Much, More

 “And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.” -Romans 8:28

I get so caught up these days. I’m glad during the mission we come to realize that there is never a time where we are left alone. How ever it is we experience God’s love, where ever it is we experience God’s love, those moments…we cherish.

Nice…right?

But there’s the thing. Do we make take those moments, and turn them into lifestyle? That as much as Christ loves us, do we live like we owe it all to Christ? Or do we get caught up in trying to force our own plans?

WHOA…I know I know. It’s hard.

BUT here’s the thing. Something I’ve been able to pick up, is just simply…take time to reflect on it.

Lord, what is it you want from me? Does going through with this make me a better version of myself for You? Am I doing this to make this person a better version of themselves for You? Lord…I need You.

Simple as that. Whether its decisions for any friendships, relationships, households, family, but most especially for yourself. As the verse says, “God causes all things to work together for good…”

Bros and Sistuhs, God is great. God is love. Choose Christ in your everyday decisions. Have Christ lead the way.

I’m down for all these analogies, and metaphors…but sometimes, especially in moments like these…God’s voice is very simple.

Take a moment, to live with a heart fully aligned with Christ. Our eternal happiness comes from God.

Pray for me! I’ll most definitely be praying for all of you!

Deo Gloria

Accepting God’s Authority

I trust you.

“… The Lord remembered her. She conceived” – 1 Samuel: 1:20

The past two First Readings have been from the first Book of Samuel, and have made us journey with an extremely unhappy and scorned woman named Hannah. The deepest desire of her heart was to conceive a son. In fact, in few but bitterly (10) cried out words, she expresses this out to God. She is not alone in the temple. Although misunderstanding her (“drunk” is her appearance to him), Eli’s curt response in seeing her weeping can be read as a two-fold in meaning: “Sober up.” (14)

An evaluation of my trust. How confident am I in God’s unwavering willingness to hear and answer my prayers? Admittedly, I do start to doubt when I ask: Is He even moved by my misery? Or did He actually forget me me? (11) Even if the only person present in my midst every day is not God but Eli the priest sitting on a chair, do I still strive to live without appearing downtrodden or downcast? (18) I am reminded that my trust in Him is deepened through conscious building of my relationship with Him. For this Hannah teaches me, that for one, all my deepest desires are to be offered directly to Him (not the “Eli” in the room). Second, when I can’t see Him clearly (through my crying or anything that blinds me) that I must “vow” (11) to live faithfully what He is asking me to do now fully accepting His authority in this way:

Simply. I praise God because even if He doesn’t say it, He knows my heart (desires, sorrows, miseries). Simply. I give thanks because he does answer prayers: In His time, He did give Hannah and Elkanah a son (Samuel, was his name). Simply. I must confess my tendency to put Him second in turning to others first rather than Him directly. Simply. I ask for the grace to trust His strength rather than my own.

A most “Dangerous Prayer” passed down by Bishop Dowd: Holy Spirit, I give you permission to work in my life the way that you want.