True North Missionaries Journal

Last weekend, I went to Victoria with my counterpart to conduct a Household Leaders’ Training and Camp Training. Although I love going to the island, as a result of my love for the mission and the people I serve with and for, I felt my heart held back even a tiny bit. I was saddened that I would be missing the debut of one of the sisters I really care for. Then I started thinking of all the possible events or occasions I will be called to sacrifice for the sake of the mission. And I was moved to even greater sadness.

Until I reflected on Christ. Christ did not hold back on giving His all for the mission of our salvation; His body, blood, soul and divinity in the institution of the Eucharist, His life on the Cross, and His Mother at the foot of the cross before His last breath. I, too, am called to give my all without reservation all because of love.

My Jesus, grant me the grace to serve You wholeheartedly. Let me love You through my acts of submission, and not just through my words. Mother Mary, I ask for your prayers that I may be made worthy of the promises of Christ. Amen. 

Which disciple do you associate yourself with?

Most of us, including myself, wouldn’t have Judas as our go-to-guy. The sting of his betrayal resonates with everyone, even until now. A lot of us are quick so quick to judge, shaking our heads in disapproval. How could someone who claimed to love God betray him for so little? Real love has no cost, but apparently all it took was 30 silver pieces.

What possessed someone who was already part of the special twelve to turn his back on the one who gave him so much. A new life with new opportunities. But it still wasn’t enough. For Judas, if Jesus was really the Son of God- and nothing was impossible- then why did it take so long for this new revolution to begin? If Jesus was the King of Kings and Lord of Lords, then why did they still have to endure so much waiting?

He was impatient with God’s plan, so he took matters into his own hands.

Hmmm, now doesn’t that sound familiar?

I have in me, a Judas of sorts. I know that God has chosen me specifically for a purpose that only I can fulfill. I know that God loves me unconditionally because He’s shown me in so many different ways. I know that God favours me because he’s allowed me to witness so many great and wonderful things. Yet, I still find it hard to trust in Him. I still find it hard to be patient with His plans, to wrap my head around the fact that things happen in His perfect timing.

The past year God has given me the opportunity to be real with myself. I know what Judas’ thirty pieces of silver translates to in my life. I know what I’ve traded Jesus for on numerous occasions because I was tired of waiting. I made my own plans and ditches His.

He knows the weaknesses that lead to my everyday betrayals. He knows them as well as he knew that Judas would place on Christ the kiss of betrayal. Yet here I am, still receiving God’s good graces. Why? Because His mercy has no end. Indeed God is good. He is very, very good.

All we have to do is face ourselves and our actions with complete honesty- does this bring me closer or further from God? Am I serving myself and my own desires or am I dying to myself so that God’s desires can be fulfilled through me?

What God requires is not perfection, but a broken spirit and contrite heart.

Oh Most humane and adorable Jesus, Your endless grace and mercy flows forth. Before granting the gift of absolution To earnest repenters of sinful ways, You demanded a sacrificial compensation. For a wrongful act cannot be rectified Until punishment has been accepted! Yes, for the salvation of my soul, Jesus, You accepted the price of the Cross! Grant me the grace to remain free of debts, My heart remaining flawless before You, Making Your absolution truly worthwhile!

This blogpost was inspired by “Betrayal” (Matt Maher’s Day 3 of 7 Easter  Week Videos)

Cleaning. I wasn’t too fond of that word before, but as I grew, I became quite fond of it. I started cleaning more in the house, cleaning in other peoples’ houses, and even cleaning the place around me. I even recall a recent moment with my good friend, Ellen, where we sat at a gazebo area in Milton, to witness to a drunk person throwing his beer cans in the bushes by the pond after being filled with frustration that the stranger he approached did not want to drink with him.

It literally felt like we were on a legit mission, staking out whether or not the drunk man had left. And when the coast was clear, we headed for her car to grab some plastic bags. We began to pick up the beer cans that the man had thrown away, and then a few beer cans became a few pieces of garbage, and next thing you know, we were cleaning the whole gazebo and pond area!

Spring cleaning doesn’t have to stay in the home. It can reach out to everything around us. But I think as this late spring approaches, God is calling me to really clean up the cracks and crevices of my heart. It’s the inner home He is calling me to.

Spring is when the flowers begin to bloom,
and life sprouts from the ground and flies in the air,
and it nestles in the trees,
bringing itself to our homes.

LIFE is a part of this ‘spring cleaning’ I have been coming to know.

In an SFC event called, ‘Princess Diaries’, they had stated that we are like gardens. But I have allowed a few weeds spread here and there. I’ve cut them off, but I haven’t dug them out from the roots. Quite honestly, there have been so many things that a long while back, God had to strip all the grass off and plant a completely new garden and He is tilling the soil. He’s helping me dig out the weeds that have grown in dry soil and He feeds me with the water of the Holy Spirit, purifying my heart as I await the bloom of spring.

The real bloom is that of which is done with patience and grows on moist and fertile ground.

“In the holiest of weeks, learn from the mistakes of Adam, Eve, Judas, and a great many of people over the centuries. When it comes to the Passion of Christ, you are either with Jesus or against Jesus (Luke 11:23). Give the Lord absolute loyalty over your heart and tongue. Give Jesus your sympathy (Psalm 69:21). Dialogue with God and not the forces opposed to Him. Jesus tells each one of us: ‘Come to Me’ (Matthew 11:28).” – Don Schwager

As we journey towards the celebration of our Lords passion, death and resurrection let us be reminded to remain faithful to God. Remain prayerful asking Him, be the Lord of our heart and loyalties. Devoting yourself and making promises daily. Praising the Lord for all that He has done and for His never-ending and never failing love and mercy.

We are called to be like Jesus. Obedient, which lead to suffering. Through suffering, He was able to trust in His fathers will bringing Him self-denial. Emptying of Himself bringing us, His children, grace so that we may witness God’s true and divine love.

Benedictus Deus in Saecula

I always had the desire to become a Mission Volunteer, yet I denied it every single time someone would ask me if I was open to the idea. I think I somehow convinced myself too that I didn’t want it or that ‘it just wasn’t for me‘… but I still found myself randomly asking others about the program.

I remember one of the Titos here in Big Sky telling me that this Mission Volunteer program would strip my heart’s walls, leaving the truth of my interior exposed for many to see. The idea of being broken down really scared me. But even with this in mind, I still applied completely aware of my fears and doubts, and still unaware of how ‘broken down’ I would actually become.

A few weeks ago, some leaders and I here in Winnipeg went on a mission visit to Saskatoon for their Youth Power. On the Saturday of the trip, we attended mass in the evening. Something Father said in his homily that night continues to stick with me until today. He told us to ‘feel the hunger and feel the thirst.’

At the time, I was just so boggled and confused as to why we had to feel our hunger and thirst. I understand that our cups must be emptied in order for Our God to fill them with His richest, purest wine… But I still didn’t understand why we had to feel this thirst. I myself don’t like to dwell on my spiritual desolation and emptiness, and I couldn’t imagine anyone who does… So why did Father remind us to do so?

In my personal prayers these past few days, I always came back to that same question: Why did Father ask us to feel our emptiness? And I slowly realized that I was wrong and that I misinterpreted what Father was reminding us. This thirst, this hunger– it’s not just desolation or dryness or emptiness… It’s a deep desire! It’s the desire in our hearts wanting us to be one with God. We’re hungry and we’re thirsty because WE ARE INCOMPLETE without our God. And our God is the only one that can satisfy this hunger and this thirst.

The past few days have been really rough on me with finals and other things happening in my life. But coming to this conclusion in my personal prayer, I know now that these struggles I face in my life are because I am slowly being broken down of my walls, like what Tito said before I had applied for the MV program. God is slowly tearing me apart so that He can build me up even stronger.

As He tears my heart’s walls, I begin to realize my heart’s true desires. But in order for me to grasp and fully understand these desires, I must first realize how empty my heart is, in order to feel the hunger and thirst caused by His absence.  And as I discover more about my faith and the underlying joys and fears that I carry in the interior of my heart, I pray that God will truly break my heart.

“There’s a cry in my heart,
for Your glory to fall,
for Your presence to fill up my senses

There’s a yearning again,
a thirst for discipline,
a hunger for things that are deeper

Could You take me beyond?
Could You carry me through?
If I open my heart, could I go there with You?”

– Cry in my heart, Starfield

Gyan D
AMDG

It started with a bow.

As I looked up and met the eyes of the Eucharistic minister I was distracted by the haunting ensemble that was tasked with filling Mary Queen of the World with song.

“Amen” I uttered, moments before I placed an unassuming piece of bread into my mouth.

Kneeling down my hands fell on the aged wood of the pew resting before me. As I closed my eyes my sense of touch erupted, suddenly realizing how textured and worn the wood felt.

Was I the first to place my hands here? Surely not. Would I be the last? Not even close.

As my hands gently swayed left to right, with each motion finding new and unintended details in the cracks I thought to myself, “This might be how a blind man sees.”

There was very little taste in the communion wafer, but as I prayed to the Lord, desperate to feel some kind of emotional reaction during my time in prayer I heard Him say, “That’s not really what you need.”

Suddenly realizing that the limited sensation experienced during communion would be the absolute closest representation to a full sensation of Christ, my heart found peace.

And so I chuckled briefly under my breath and thought, “My God, you’ve made a blind man see.”