Thea Lape – Page 7 – True North Missionaries Journal

Abundance

The Lord gives not because of what we’ve done, what we’re doing, or what we will do. The Lord simply gives. The Lord provides because He is the ultimate Father who cannot deny the needs of his children. The Lord has really humbled me the past 2 months. As a mission volunteer discerning for full-time pastoral work, recently most of my attention has been focused on the things I’ve had to give up and still need to give up. I’ve focused on the weight of my “Yes” and have been so stuck on the burden. I lost sight somewhere along the way.

Then I realized, the mission doesn’t need me. God can use whoever He wants. I’m the one that needs the mission. Mission is a gift for me, where my healing and freedom lies. This epiphany completely changed the posture of my heart and the attitude I had towards my current service role as a GTA West Sector Head. I realized that my prayer for patience, love, understanding, forgiveness and compassion were answered through my sector household. In fact some of my strongest affirmations have come from them. And here I was, complaining about how hard sacrifice was on my end….when God made the ultimate sacrifice through His Son Jesus.

Three days ago, I received a call from my old director within the first hour of arriving back from an impromptu trip to Montreal. Long story short, in 5 hrs I was hired as one of the Early Childhood Educators for their preschool room. They contacted me and they arranged for my old files to be transferred. The job fell on my lap the same way it did last year. No fights, no fuss, no road blocks. Today was my first day.

God continues to shower me with blessings. By shower, I mean flood. The Noah’s Ark kind of flood. I’m always so dumbfounded by it. He’s so persistent, so consistent and so insistent on His love for me. I’ve had to learn to just be grateful, to stop questioning God’s motives.

“I give abundantly because my love in itself is from and all about abundance. Overflowing. Eternal. I give because I love. Just let me.”

“God says, gratitude is the elixir of life. If you want to experience the reality that God is love, and love is God, and the nature of your own pure presence is God, is love, then on that level of being human, on that level of your humanity, allow gratitude to be your great practice.” — Matthew from The Daily Wholeness Healings, 10-24-12

Secret Garden

Dewdrops.

There’s something beautiful about the way that water condenses and forms on a leaf in the bright early mornings. Dewdrops remind me of memories. Pocket of memories. Tiny fragments of time captured in a single bead of water. And you know what? Places can be like those dewdrops. Places that hold pockets of time and moments. Special moments.

In the same way that dewdrops sometimes catch the edge of a leaf, fall and burst…memories too fall. They can hit you with the same momentum. Inevitable, yet sometimes unexpected.

I’ve loved my time here in this country, but to be quite honest with you this trip hasn’t been without gravity. My gravity. The harsh reality pulling down my pockets of memories and having the emotions burst all over the place. There are so many places that remind me of things I’m not ready to face, of people I’m not ready to remember. There’s been this huge lump in my throat that’s been waiting….sitting. That sharp inhale of breathe , that moment before your tear ducts do what they’re supposed to do.

Then, I just let go. Let it out. Allowed myself to cry and see that dew drop hanging by the end finally fall and hit the ground. For some reason I felt like crying would make me the weakling. Why did I hold myself back so much from doing what my heart wanted to do so many times before? I was crying and thinking, thinking and praying, praying and asking…..God, why?

This was His response.

My Therese, my beautiful red rose. Embrace this. All of it. Embrace the heartache. I’m ready to listen to you and meet you in whatever state you’re in. Does a father not answer to the cries of His beloved daughter? Of his little princess? A rose would never hold so much beauty if it did not have its thorns. Embrace yours. My son embraced His….wore His on His head. I can help you embrace yours. Look to my most Sacred Heart, which wears not only one thorn but many. I know what I’m putting you through hurts right now, but I need you to go through this so your heart can heal and be renewed.

The world can be a place full of turmoil and that is why I created you- To be part of a place of peace in a world of chaos. A red rose for My love, a yellow rose for My flesh, a white rose for My purity, and your most favourite colour of all….pink. A pink rose for My passion. Can you be that rose for me? Be a part of my secret garden to this world.

I have so much in store for you and trust that I will give you what you seek. But first, you have to learn to love your thorn and accept it. A thorn my love, is part of the rose. It can never be without it just as my Son could never be without His crown.

—-

“The growth isn’t in moving on or being able to let go. The growth is in being able to say thanks, literally for everything.” (Erin G)

I pray that one day I can look at the dewdrop on the edge of one of my leaves, and say thanks. Thank you for being so full of memories, both good and bad. Thank you for existing and for being there. But now, I have to let you fall to the ground and let you water my roots so that I can continue to grow. To grow so that I can be the rose God made me to be, to bloom where He has planted me.

“O most holy heart of Jesus, fountain of every blessing, I adore you, I love you, and with lively sorrow for my sins I offer you this poor heart of mine. Make me humble, patient, pure and wholly obedient to your will. Grant, Good Jesus, that I may live in you and for you. Protect me in the midst of danger. Comfort me in my afflictions. Give me health of body, assistance in my temporal needs, your blessing on all that I do, and the grace of a holy death. Amen.” (Prayer to the Sacred Heart of Jesus)

Home.

With the amount of times that I’ve had to travel within an eighteen month time frame, most people would assume that I no longer suffer from homesickness. The past three trips (2009, 2012, 2013a) have been by myself; the shortest trip lasting 8 weeks and the longest lasting 6 months. Most people base their judgement on my social media posts and are probably thinking, “Dang, she is living the life.”

Well, reality check: I still suffer from homesickness. I still feel somewhat lost even though I’ve revisited Place A, B and C more than a handful of times. I still feel out of place in a room full of old friends and the nausea that accompanies displacement is very much real.

All those things still exist. Even now. Even when my family is here with me. We all haven’t been together in a very, very long time. Dad’s had to work out of town for the past 2 years and my brother’s had to live away at Waterloo ever since he started his Undergrad. And me, well…..I’ve been traveling to PH.

A few days into our family trip here, I was still feeling so bothered. My temper kept getting the best of me. I grew impatient and volatile. I couldn’t understand it. Shouldn’t my family have cushioned the hypothetical “emotional blow” that always hit me during my trips? Shouldn’t the weird jumble of emotions have stopped because I was with my loved ones? The anger and frustration drained me so much that one night, I decided to just leave the group. The innermost depths of me was craving for something. I didn’t know what that something was, but what I did know was that going to God wouldn’t leave me any more desolate than I already was. So I looked for a church.

I ended up at Sto. Rosario. I got through confession. I kneeled at the Adoration Chapel. I sat through Mass and received Holy Eucharist. And you know what? For the first time I felt good. Not just ice-cream-on-a-hot-sunny-day good, but ‘passing my final exam with flying colours and making the honour roll’ kinda good. I was a fish out of water that suddenly found my way back to the water. I could breathe again.

As I contemplated at the Adoration Chapel I was reminded of a promise I made to Him during the SFC precon praisefest. It just so happened to my birthday too. I told God that I was willing to finally give Him the one part of me that I hadn’t let go of yet- a very specific piece of my heart that was put on reserve. I didn’t have the strength to fight that fourteen year battle any more. It took me that long to surrender. That day He said to me, “Exodus 14:14, my beloved. Do not forget. I will fight for you, you need only to be still.

In the presence of the Eucharist and in front of the altar, I felt God whisper me to me, “Therese, my dearest Therese. You silly stubborn girl. Remember what you offered at the foot of my cross weeks ago? Remember that you promised me you’d finally give that last piece to me? Home is where the heart is and yours just so happens to be with me. It’s safe. It’s in my hands now. I’m happy that you finally found your back. My child, right now at this very moment …you are home. I’ve been waiting.”

All the puzzle pieces fit.
It all made sense.
I felt this sudden rush of peace, of final certainty.

Everything in this world is temporary. Even my family. But God, God is infinite. God is timeless, boundless and endless. I am made to stand in His presence, to bask in the love that is always present in His house.

Father, I’m coming home.
Amen.

Falling in love all over again

I am falling in love.
Madly, deeply and truly.

Falling in love for the first time is enchanting; you are finally at the mountain top, your expedition has brought you to the ultimate treasure trove, you finally found yourself a pair of Jordan Grape 5’s after a relentless search at every Foot Locker in the area……. (shoeholics, you understand). But, falling in love for the second time has a different effect. It’s intoxicating and euphoric, almost to the point of delusion. Falling in love for the second time is better because this time, you have something to compare it to. This time it’s even better than what you imagined.

This is how I feel about my relationship with God, but more specifically the Holy Eucharist.

Every time the Eucharist is being presented to us at mass, all of the heavens rejoice and all of time stops to celebrate Jesus’ sacrifice of self. The past, the present, and the future happen simultaneously, to recognize the significance of this beautiful offering.

I grew up in an extremely Catholic home, went to an extremely religious school (Animo La Salle!) and have been part of the Couples for Christ community since 1991. But those things became irrelevant once I moved to Canada and had to orient myself to North American culture. I had to act differently, talk differently and be different in every facet of my life. It came as no surprise that the repressed Catholic girl in me lashed out once the opportunity presented itself.

After having gone through a hiatus in the middle of my CFC-Youth life and immersing myself in all things “worldy” within that time, the Lord graced me with a second chance. A second chance to do things right- not because I had to and was taught to do so, but because I made a conscious decision. A choice where I willingly allowed God to enter my life again despite my unworthiness. And I’m glad I did.

How could I have not noticed the magnificence and splendor that is the Eucharist? How could I have not seen the importance of receiving it and preparing my body to be a temple for Him to dwell in? How could I have ignored so many homilies and feigned ignorance over his Word? How could I have overlooked every moment where God was literally and tangibly offering himself to me?

I could go and on about all the things I did wrong the first time, but what’s the point? That part of my life is gone and I can never take back what I did and didn’t do. Instead, I’m allowing myself to just bask in His glory, bask in His presence and take in every minute detail every time he reveals Himself to me. God, with all His power and greatness, chooses to make himself available to me and to us everyday through mass and adoration. Imagine that. A love so pure, so tender, so sincere that he chose to be vulnerable; He came down from heaven and offered all that He is through His son and ultimately through the Eucharist.

There is no excuse in the world valid enough to deny God through the denial of Holy Eucharist. Everything that we do, day in and day out, is it not to find love, feel love and receive love? His arms are spread wide open ready to embrace us and give us all this.

All we have to do is step inside His house.

Wanderlust

I have this unfathomable love for airports and for traveling. I love looking at maps and globes. I get giddy over every customs stamp that gets added to my passport. I love stamps. I adore airplanes (hence my alias paperairplanedreams). Within the past 24 months I have been to more cities and countries than I could care to count. I suffer from wanderlust.

I was “planted” and rooted in PH, but cultivated in Toronto. That really pushed me to have this hardly home but always reppin‘ mentality. We moved quite a lot growing up so I could never really appreciate where I was. Even though we’ve rooted ourselves in Mississauga for a while now, the child in me was so used to relocating that I never realized how hard it was for me to be present in the here and now. It was so easy for me to love every other destination, yet so challenging for me to see the beauty in where I already was.

It affected the way I approached my spiritual life. It became some sort of hide & seek game; God was at my next travel destination. God was two plane rides away. God was five cities to the south and ten cities to the north. God was a twenty-six hour bus ride or a five hour drive. God was in the middle of the ocean, on top of a mountain, or beneath at the caves. God was everywhere to me but here. At home.

Then he slapped my hand, figuratively of course. He used the same voice I use when I reprimand my kindergarten students- firm but loving.

There is no need to search for God because He meets us right where we are. God doesn’t meet us halfway, He meets us right where we are. God is in the people I interact with everyday. God is in the youth I serve with and serve for. God is with the students I teach. God is with my family. God is with my friends. God is in the air I breathe, the sky that embraces me outside, the sun that illuminates my path, the rain that touches my skin, and the ground that catches my feet every, single, morning. God is in me.

You cannot search for what has already been found.

His lesson: it is not in the changing of locations that you will come to know me and my works. Rather it is in the changing of your hearts and its posture that you will be oriented back to me. That you will come to see my love, to know my love and be my love.

I will meet you right where you are.
I will love you where you are.

Remain in me, just as I remain in you.

Extremely Favoured

Thirty minutes after my shift ended today, I walked into my director’s office with a heavy cloud looming over me, and no it wasn’t the one outside that’s been causing all this crazy rain here in the GTA. Approximately 23 days from today I will be hopping on a plane (again) but this time with my family.

I was sure that I’d be coming home with bad news today- that our upcoming family trip would cost me my job. We will be gone all of July which means that I’ll be missing out on my service for the Eastern True North Conference. Since I didn’t feel too comfortable with that, I started a novena for the Western True North Conference in Calgary that’s happening Mid-Aug. I’d be back just in time for that. I don’t know how it would be possible financially, but God has provided for me under worse conditions before. It doesn’t hurt to ask.

To put things in perspective, I was just granted a two month leave (MAR-MAY) even though I only started in September of last year. I’m only five weeks back in my classroom and here I was expecting my director to approve another sudden leave of absence. How was I going to explain to her that I needed 2 months….again?

———

I knew I had to call on Mama Mary so I did the rosary during my lunch break hoping that she’d send an extra serving of peace. She gave me that and a spoonful extra. Knowing how I am, I knew I’d find every excuse not to ask permission today. So I walked into the staff room, had a quick convo with God and He reassured me that no matter what the outcome would be, there was already a victory. Even if I was to lose my job, I would still have my family vacation.

In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths || Proverbs 3:6

Brothers & sisters, I walked out of that room not with storm clouds, but with sunshine and a double rainbow. I am extremely and irrevocably favoured by God. Not only did my director tell me that my leave would be approved, she made it very clear to me that she would ignore any talk of resignation. My classroom is secured. AGAIN. My job as a preschool teacher is on reserve.

That’s not all.

I will be receiving paid vacation time, which means that there’s an extra paycheque coming in while I’m gone. That amount is enough for a round trip ticket to Calgary.

“It’s never about whether or not YOU can provide for yourself. Faith is knowing that you have a God who can do wonders for you. Faith is knowing that He is of divine providence. It was never about you to begin with! So the next time you consider whether or not you can go, take your question to God first, and don’t let it just die with you. That’s the beauty about our relationship with the Lord. Sometimes we don’t even do anything yet he still showers us with abundant blessings. He still wants to keep capturing our hearts. He still wants to reach out to us. But first you have to allow yourself to see the ways in which he tries to reach out to you. All he needs is your Yes.” (July 19, 2012)

The Lord hasn’t stopped showing me how extremely favoured and extremely loved I am. He affirmed me just now by allowing me to reread that old blog post. Little did I know that the “yes” I gave 500 days ago would lead me here, walking on a path made wonderfully and beautifully paved straight for me.

The light that leads

“If you haven’t surrendered it to God, then you’ve surrendered it to someone else.”

I recently attended the GTA Area Core SHouT this past weekend and there are not enough words in the dictionary to describe the plethora of events that happened within those 5 days. So I’ll just use one: enlightened.

You know when you’re at a sleepover and everyone’s already passed out cold on the beds and floors. The morning after is hard to get through. You’re tired and exhausted. You have some sort of consciousness- awake but not really. It’s not until someone draws the blinds or curtains to expose the harsh sunlight rays that you feel the urgency to get up. It’s already half past noon and you’ve just wasted half the day away.

That’s how my recent experience with Christ was at SHouT. He turned on the lights. The light allowed me to see everything that was in that room, rather…my life. Enlightened- one’s ability to be spiritually aware. The Lord allowed me to see His plans for me that much clearer.

But see, when you turn on the lights EVERYTHING gets exposed, not just the good stuff. You don’t have a choice. But God is a god of light and peace- The truth, His truth is exposed in all its glory.

I’m facing the skeletons in my closet right now, some I thought I buried a long time ago but really just put a drape over. God’s light drew me to these areas, the crevices and corners, the edges and cracks. The small things count, because to God everything matters. As much as it hurts me to pull out long overdue band aids, I know that with His love I’ll finally be able to heal properly.

“Ate, it’s like when you make a paper boat and then you put it in the water. That’s how you’ll know if your boat is good or not. It might start to sink because of a hole, but all you have to do is just take it out and then patch up whatever holes exist.”

It had to happen this way for me. This was God’s way of telling me to patch up those holes so that my boat could float. How else can I be a better person or leader if I don’t allow God to shine His light on every single area of my life, even the dark sides- the ones I don’t want to look at. In this way, I can confidently go out and allow the God in me to shine.

Send out your light and your truth; let them guide me.- Psalm 43:3