ROOTED.
It’s been a while since I blogged.
Expressing my thoughts through writing used to come naturally to me. However, in the pass few months I’ve experienced many intimate moments with the Lord but have had difficulty translating them into words. Those moments allowed me time to ponder and to rest in the Lord. I realized that many times the Lord was indeed speaking to me, but not through words.
It was September 19, 2016, I was siting in-front of the Blessed Sacrament during my weekly Adoration slot. As I sat there, I remembered the feelings I used to have before I would write a blog: feelings of excitement, an overwhelming feeling of peace, an unexplainable undertsanding of my circumstance, feelings of joy, and of love. I missed it. I asked God, “Why have I not felt that way in a while?”
Upon reflection I took my journal and wrote down a list of possible reasons as to why I have not blogged in a while: a reason could be my inability to express God’s messages through human words, my insensitivity to the Holy Spirit, nothing interesting happened to me, laziness, or because I just didn’t feel like it.
FROM THE BOTTOM.
I stopped and re-read my list.
All seemed valid, but there was one in particular that stuck out for me. I read it a few times, “…because I just didn’t feel like it.”
It was tough to admit, but in my honesty with the Lord I was reminded that when we say “YES” to the Lord it is not because we “feel” like it, it is because we love Him. Our feelings shouldn’t direct our actions, if this was the case nothing would get done. I was then brought back to my first “YES” to being a Full-Time Pastoral Worker. I decided to read the beginning excerpt of my essay:
When I was a child, I thought I knew the Lord
When I was a child, I searched for the Lord
When I was a child, my heart beats for the Lord
I thought that was enough
Like a seed, merely existing in the soil
Like a seed, in search of the sun
Like a seed, waiting for what is to come
A seed can never just be a seed
The Lord knew that there was more
I was about 8 years old. My faith played a strong part in my upbringing. I grew up in a Catholic household where I memorized the rosary, went to Mass every Sunday, and unlike most 8 year olds at the time I was intrigued by the idea of God. Who was He? What is He? Why does my heart warm up when I learn about Him?
One day my aunt, who is a religious Sister, came to visit from Korea. It was a beautiful fall afternoon and we went to the forest behind my place. I was so excited to show her the leaves I picked up along the way. I showed her the multitude of leaves I grabbed in my arms, all in different colours. She looked at me and smiled as I showed her my treasure.
She looked at them and said,
“They’re lovely. But did you ask?”
I smirked and replied,
“Ask who?”
She looked at me with a gentle and sweet smile,
In joy of my curiosity
But humbled in her wisdom
She said to me,
“My dear, come with me. Choose a tree.”
I pointed to a tree from afar and I watched her walk towards it.
She asked me to choose a leaf and so I pointed to a bright yellow one.
She held it in her hand and said aloud,
“Dear God, thank you for this beautiful creation. Thank you for the trees who have created and the leaves that they bear. Thank you for this yellow leaf, Hannah will promise to take care of it as a way of showing her love for you!”
She told me I could take the leaf. She saw my inability to respond and looked at me as if she was sharing a secret of the world.
She smiled in the most loving way and I smiled back holding the leaf in my hand. Even though I may not have fully understood what she meant at that moment. I knew that a part of my journey was to figure this out.
And so…
The seed was planted in the soil.
When I grew older, I learned more about God
When I grew older, I realized where and who God grounded me with
When I grew older, my heart transformed through my struggles
God continued to push me
Like the roots, embedded beneath the ground
Like the roots, pushing its way through the earth in order to reach the top
Like the roots, holding you up
The roots may not be seen, but one cannot deny that it exists
The Lord knew that there was more
[…]
NOW WE TREE.
I was brought back to that moment and it was clear to me that though there may be various moments where I feel like I can’t write or don’t want to write, I was affirmed of the beauty of being able to look back and re-read God’s messages to me. Appreciating the fruits after so many years.
May my “YES” be a seed that bears fruit so others can taste its sweetness.
Lord, may my words be not mine, but yours. Grant me the grace to write even when I may not feel You or hear You. Grant me the grace to share even when I may not feel like it.
May I choose to do so, because I love you.
Amen. 🙂
