GOD > Time > Right Now
I have this automatic tendency to dislike the concept of Time. Whenever I think of time, I either think about how much I dislike waiting or I worry about all the tasks I need to complete by a particular deadline. The former is probably the worst of the two because it’s often something I can’t control. To put it simply, when I want something or know something, I’d very much prefer to have/know it now instead of later. This sort of impatience transcends throughout my life and I often find myself asking questions like, Why won’t God just tell me where to go? What is He calling me to do now?When will I find “the one”? Why haven’t I graduated school yet? When will I find a new job? Why hasn’t this person replied to my phone call, email, or text yet? God, why is everything taking so long? While I want everything instantly, I’ve learnt very slowly (how ironic) to find gladness in waiting. I say this now because I’ve experienced first-hand that God uses time to help the heart heal and grow fond of love and forgiveness.
To put it in perspective, recently a close friend of mine apologized for things they had done to hurt me, that ultimately hurt our friendship. It may not seem like a big deal for some, but I had purposely chose to stop initiating conversation with my friend without telling them. I avoided going on Skype, our main means of conversation, at all costs because I needed time be free from the hurt they had (unintentionally) caused me, but not in a way that completely limited them from speaking to me. I even thought to myself that if they really needed to speak to me, they could message me on Facebook or text/call me. But they didn’t do so for eight months until they sent me that long apology.
In this apology, my friend touched upon every single hurt and more. And it was very evident to me that they were truly sorry for it all. If my friend were to apologize to me sooner than they did, I wonder if I would have been strong enough to accept it and I also wonder if I would have been able to believe them. Although I was always ready to forgive them in the past, moving on was always the hardest part for me because I never knew when exactly I’d completely be over whatever it was that they did.
In the past eight months of not speaking to my friend, I was almost forced to depend on others, especially God. In this time, I grew self-confident in who I was and my abilities and capabilities because the more I focused on God, the more I was able to see my true self. Choosing to walk away from this friendship was tough because it was the first time I had ever done something like this; I even cried once in the process haha. But the amount of growth I’ve experienced and the lessons I’ve learnt were worth it because my relationship with God grew so much.
When my friend apologized to me, I turned to God right away and discerned if I should even reply. I spent 12 hours in discernment and God showed me through Scripture, old blog posts I had written in the past 8 months, and podcasts from words from Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI that I was ready. So I talked to my friend, forgave them, went through the necessary hurts these past few weeks, and today I still consider them as one of my best friends.
I know our friendship will never be the same and my expectations of them will never be the same, but in great sincerity and confidence I say, “praise God!” Confusing emotions and misguided words no longer exist in our friendship. We are great friends — nothing more — and that’s all I could ask for. I’m thankful to have my friend back into my life because as I witness their growth, perseverance, and joy, an additional beam of light is brought into my life. I’m blessed to have them be a part of my life again, and I’m blessed to be a part of theirs.
Time is a beautiful gift from God that I often misuse and abuse when I’m lazy, but when I use it with the intent of wanting to grow and wanting to give glory to God, then time is used at its full. I was so impatient about everything but I’ve learnt to be “compelled to be patient”, especially when it comes to wanting to know answers to life’s biggest questions.
Patience was my least favourite virtue because I thought it was just about waiting tirelessly, but I see now that being patient is about believing that God is always on time. Furthermore, being patient is about living moment by moment and enjoying it because God is present. He is present in times of joy, suffering, trial, doubt, and He is present in the moving on stages, where things seem the most uncertain. He never abandons those He loves. If I am hurting, I know I will be healed when God says so. If I’m doubting, I know I will be given faith when God says so. If I’m experiencing anything negative, God will always respond with goodness and love in His perfect time, whether that is right away or not.
Today I see that having the time to heal is greater than wanting to be healed right away because wounds don’t heal over a day. Sure scabs and such form over it, but deep wounds and cuts only heal over long periods of time, and then they develop scars. But eventually those scars fade with more time that the wound is only a memory in the mind, and not even a graze over the heart. In all of this talk about time being the healer of wounds, I believe more earnestly that God is the ultimate healer as He is not limited by time. So when I say having time to heal is greater than being “healed” right away, I also say that having God is much greater than this because He is the Maker of time. All events are created and respond to His voice.
God is good all the time. And all the time, God is greater. 🙂
Amen.
