May 2, 2016
“When I suffer that is when I feel closest to Christ. How great it would be to always suffer, so that I’m always close to Him.”
After this thought came into my head, right away I thought it was weird, haha. I never saw myself brave enough to suffer willingly. And I still don’t. How can I be courageous when I’m afraid of discomfort? What kind of person wants to undergo hardship and experience loss or despair?
The desire to suffer is something I would like to work on because God knows how difficult it has been for me to surrender the little things in every day life. Thankfully I have an idea — but not yet fully understand — how someone might desire to suffer. Two women, who many perceive as modern day saints, come to mind: Blessed Mother Teresa and Mother Angelica.
For many years, Blessed Mother Teresa experienced tremendous darkness and loneliness, so much that she once asked if there was even a God. Despite her suffering, she remained steadfast in her faith and service as she continued to do the work that God called her to do. She did this obediently until her final days.
For Mother Angelica, who is known for being the foundress of EWTN, she had been sick for a long while but she wanted to remain alive for as long as she could. Mother Angelica told those close to her to tell her doctor to do whatever it takes to keep her alive. Initially we might think that she wanted to live longer because she feared death, but this wasn’t the case. Mother Angelica wanted to stay alive so that she could suffer another day for Jesus.
“I wish I could desire to always suffer for God, but I don’t think I’m even at all capable of it. How may I suffer for You, Lord?”
This thought followed the first thought.
For as long as I can remember, whenever I prayed God always spoke so loudly and clearly. Whenever I asked Him a question, He would give me a straight answer. The answers didn’t always satisfy my small human intellect, but they always drew in so much comfort and consolation.
For the past two months, I’ve struggled in my prayer life because I can no longer hear God’s sweet voice nor feel like He’s near me. While I’m in mass or adoration, I cannot feel God’s presence even though I know He is present. Perhaps this is how God has called me to suffer? To hate this misalignment between what my mind knows to be true and what my heart desires to feel.
I prayed the Divine Mercy novena and was inspired to believe that maybe Jesus is asking me to understand the souls who do not know Him, but suffer deeply with them because they long for Him. If this may be the case, let His will be done.
I have met Jesus in times of joy, trial, and victory and He has been everything I’ve needed in those situations. And it is the memory of His embrace that encourages me to continue to serve Him. Although I may not feel His presence, I do not need to worry because I know He is with me.
In some mysterious way, I have His peace because although I am experiencing a spiritual “dryness”, I find that my prayer life has become more consistent and perhaps more sincere. God has been very faithful to me in this time, not only in my prayer life, but by also giving me the grace to see Him in ways and places that I would have never thought.
In March my family and I went to Los Angeles for a trip. We were only in the city for a few days so we made sure to visit Venice Beach. The weather was not the best on that day, as it was incredibly windy. But strangely enough, that is where I saw God. He painted the sky and the ocean in a way that reminded me of one of my favourite artworks, Perseverance by Thomas Kinkade. At the time, I knew God was telling me to persevere in my darkness, and this gave me hope that I would hear and feel Him again.
