Oh I love you Lord,
Oh I need you here.
Draw me closer to where you are.
I wanna be with you.
How many times have I sang this song?
How many times have we belted out these words during jam sessions, worships, praisefests? As the chorus played out in my head, this is what Jesus revealed to my heart:
Where I am is here- at the cross. Do you still want to be with me? Do you still love me after this? Will you still love me even if you have to have swords pierce your own heart? If you do, then come closer. Stand before me with Mary. Behold and ponder the love I have saved just for you.
I never really looked at the words of the song until three days ago as I was preparing for a session. Our FTPW didn’t give me the outline until the night before. Part of me was really doubting my ability to give this session justice; I felt unqualified. 99% of the time this kind of talk is usually given simultaneously to both brothers and sisters by a couple in SFC or CFC.
God is so good because through this session I was able to personally realize how much growth my heart has gone through in the past year. I took a deep breath in between my notes and my eyes were all of a sudden fixated on the blinking date and time. Something clicked inside.
I went to my email inbox and typed in June 4, 2013. If my gut was right, one specific email would come up.
….And it did.
I read the email I wrote (exactly) a year ago and laughed to myself after; it was the hardest one I ever had to write. I had to end two decades worth of “friendship” with someone because I finally realized how much clutter it put in my heart. It was an extremely toxic relationship and that day God made me choose. He asked, “Choose now which of us will be the King of your heart?”
This time, it really would have to be over. My Yes to God was going to cost a No to my friend. I doubted that decision the whole year after pressing “Send” up until that moment with the session points staring back at me.
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His love made me feel Whole.
He continues to pursue my heart and fill all the holes that my sins left behind. His mercy has seeped into every crack and crevice.
His gift of understanding allowed me to be more Open.
The eyes of my heart have been opened. I now see similar situations with different perspectives because I’ve allowed God to be the first man in my life.
His mother’s presence in my life has taught me to be Meek.
When a woman has a real man lead her, she has no need to overcompensate with a controlling attitude. When a woman’s heart is at peace, she allows others to rest with her. My devotion to his mother’s Immaculate Heart has really taught me the importance of submission- submission to her son’s will.
His constant guidance has made me more Elegant.
Beauty in a woman without good judgement is like a gold ring in a pig’s snout (Prov 11:22). I have found the beauty in patient waiting by coming to know my worth as a woman. I am able to delight in the knowledge that I am worthy to be wanted, pursued and cherished.
His graces keep me Noble.
I will hold myself to a standard of grace, not perfection. When God is first in your life, you begin to align your life to a standard of excellence, a life worthy of heaven. I have become more vigilant of the things in my life that endanger my path to holiness, and I am quicker to dismiss it.
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Thank you Lord for transforming my heart! Thank you of never giving up on me. Thank you for being committed to me and being committed to my life. Everything can and has changed, but you will always remain the same!
We must become Holy, not because we want to feel Holy, but because Christ must be able to live his life fully in us. – Blessed Mother Teresa of Calcutta
