Life tests us in two ways- with everything happening all at once, or having nothing happen at all.
For the past few months I feel like life has put my future on some sort of overdrive. I can’t seem to see anything past the next two steps. I have no choice but to deal with the now; otherwise I just end up driving myself to the ground. And today, I was reminded of just how human I am. So much is happening all at once, and amidst so much change I’m expected to keep calm and carry on.
Calm?
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Plant stakes. Plant supports. Some plants can’t grow properly without having these structures to latch onto as they mature.
Two of my closest friends have been called to serve elsewhere, another has been asked to relocate and in a matter of hours, my mother has to travel halfway across the world to deal with a family emergency. In a short amount of time so many prominent women figures in my life will not be within my proximity anymore. And it scares me.
Will I continue to grow upwards without my “plant supports“?
There have been so many people coming in and out. So many movements in my heart and I’ve always been a little slow in reacting. I drove to my parish and just missed the last ten minutes of adoration so I had no choice but to sit outside by Mary’s grotto. I looked right at her and voiced out all my frustrations. I told her I was scared of the idea that I’d have to bear one whole month without my own mom, the one who holds my family together. I’m scared of the idea of having to stand on my own without my sisters or their guidance. I’m scared of allowing this new person take care of me because it’s the first time I’ve ever really had to. I admitted to all of my fears, the reality of my weaknesses washing over me.
I let myself go. I let my fears escape the confines of my chest. I let out a sigh of relief.
And as I drove back home and entered my room, I found my Imitation of Mary face down on my bed on a random page. I opened it and it read:
I know that this is her way of reassuring me. Mother Mary is indeed a doting Mother, a mother who yearns for close company. The idea of being called to bloom where I am planted resonates in my heart again. I need to trust that my plant will be strong enough to stand without guides as long as I allow myself to be deeply rooted in Him. The deeper I journey into His Sacred Heart the stronger the fire will be. The stronger the fire, the more the heart will burn and consume the parts of my that need to be refined.
And by the end of it all would I not then come face to face with purest version of myself- the woman He designed me to be? I will never know who she is if I don’t allow the Lord to slowly unveil her to me.
That involves peeling away everything and everyone who was/is my comfort blanket(s).
Mother Mary, continue to be my fertilizer. Give me the confidence to persevere in my search for Christ. Allow the seeds of humility to grow in my heart so that I may continue to accept what your Son wants to give me with a joyful and grateful heart. Amen.
