As abrupt as it sounds: I hate sinning. I can see that sin hurts me, hurts others, and hurts God. How I deeply desire not to sin.
I’ve gained a watchful eye, that is, I’ve become more self-aware of where and when I have honoured God purposely, which causes me then to also acknowledge where I haven’t. When I find myself distracted from doing the Lord’s will in my daily life or even before I go about doing something that requires much concentration, my prayer is often: “Lord, I pray that I do not sin.”
I say this prayer out of fear, not just because I’m afraid that my actions and words can hurt others because they have before. But one of the main reasons why I say this prayer is because I hate offending and hurting God in the same way over and over again. It hurts when I am not faithful to Him. I’m not sure if others can understand or relate, but it seems very unnatural to sin because I feel as if I’m not being my full self. I feel whole when I’m one with God, but each time I sin, I feel like I am building up a wall between God and myself. And this accumulation of walls makes me feel distant from God. Even though I know and believe God is near me all the time, sinning causes me the inability to “sense” Him and this is what scares me.
I’ve realized that in some ways I have taken advantage of the gift of reconciliation. How many times have I sinned and said that it was okay to sin because I could go to confession? How wrongly have I seen confession as a repetitious activity that I do only when my heart is too heavy to hold? I say this prayer because it helps me avoid the sin and helps me see the simple goals that God wants me to fulfill. Of course, I still fail because I’m imperfect, but each time I say this prayer the Lord extends His merciful hand upon me.
I can sense Him untangling the anxiety that builds in my heart. I can sense Him reconfiguring my mind to believe in and use His strength. I can sense Him waving over to His angels and appointing them to protect me. I can sense Mother Mary and the saints praying for me because I receive God’s grace to do good that I know I would never be able to do alone. God looks at me mercifully, and sees me as a child who only wants His help and He does everything and gives me everything I need in order to do what He wants me to do. Again, I still fail (a lot) but now I’m aware that God’s help comes in abundance even though I have this tendency to sin.
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Today I was having a conversation with someone and I don’t think it was a surprise that it dawned on me that the family continues to be attacked. In a good way, it bothered me because there was this sincere desire in me to help families and help heal them, and to guide youth, in particular, into looking forward to God’s plan for them in and outside of their families. After all of these years of being in CFC-Youth and SFC, this community has taught me that the family needs renewal in the Holy Spirit and that it needs healing. I know God is calling me to be a part of this mission of helping families, but the details of how and to what extent are unknown to me.
I do not know if going full-time in this community is where and how God wants me to serve, but as I continue to discern in the MV program, I pray that this prayer of not wanting to sin helps me to be more open to God, especially since I’ve been distracted in my discernment. I’m graduating from school in December, and I continue to focus a lot on having good grades and finding a secure job after graduation, with the hope of helping my own family. These things, although very good, make it difficult to discern because the actions they require consider a lot of urgency, which is why I really rely on God through this prayer.
It’s sort of weird to say, but I simply don’t have time to sin. As I journey, God is bringing me to this pinnacle and it’s beautiful because I can see the many different things God may want for me. But it’s all coming to me at once and I need to be able to give attention to each thing excellently, definitely including this discernment, so that I can properly discern about how God wants me to serve the family.
Discernment is hard, but it’s very fruitful and very life-giving because it’s God who I continue to become closer with. I look forward (but I hope I can be patient) to when I can hear God’s call clearly. So far in my prayers, God continues to only be clear about one thing; He tells me to love and He will, in His time, reveal the details. “Love is in the details. God is in the details.” — something that I tweeted this past week. Although it seems like God is taking His sweet time haha, I believe He is helping me develop an understanding of what my true desires are. And it’s scary that He keeps unfolding something new to me, but it’s exciting because it’s an adventure with Him. Even though I find myself worried and complaining about school and what not, I think I’m happy where I am. Life is very difficult, but God is always good and this gives me the greatest joy and consolation.
God bless. <3
Holy Family, pray for us.
St. Thomas Aquinas, pray for us.
St. Therese of Lisieux, pray for us.
St. Michael the Archangel, defend and protect us.
