Say You’ll be Mine (Pt. II)

Recently someone asked me if I remembered what it was like to fall in love for the first time.  Those moments when you speak to that particular person and you can’t help but stare deeper and deeper into their eyes. Then all of a sudden, you snap out of it and look somewhere else quickly. It’s your way of saying ‘No, not yet. Too soon.’

Yup. Too familiar.

Growing up, I’ve always been told that my eyes say too much. The amount of times my mom has warned me not to stare because I was too obvious. My eyes revealed too much of my longing and my desire. My eyes deceived me. So I learned not to let people stare at me for too long. It was like expecting a glass house to conceal the rooms inside; everyone could see right through, even if they didn’t mean to.

“Our relationship with Christ is the same” – that’s what my friend wanted me to realize. Sometimes, when it’s with the right person, we can choose to let our defenses down and allow them to see what’s inside our heart.

So on Day 5 (Sunday) of my commitment-to-prayer journey, I decided to take my friend’s advice. I would let Christ see me, with my guards down. I went to mass with fellow MV/long time friend Erin Gonzalez. Instead of sitting at my usual spot at the very back of the church, I confidently walked us to the front of the altar: fourth pew of the middle aisle. It was uncomfortable, but I wanted God to know I was willingly making myself vulnerable.

And let me tell you, it paid off. The homily that the priest shared was a direct answer to all my questions.

Imagine that sky diving was the number one thing on your bucket list. You commit to the in-land trainings and finally you’re staring at the wide open sky. You’re about to jump. You’re all geared up. But you want to be sure once more. So you turn to your flight instructor and ask him, “Hey is my pack secure? You sure this thing is safe?” The instructor turns to you and says, “Ummmmm…I’m not sure. I think so. Yeah, must be.” Would you still jump?

Now imagine the same exact scenario but this time the flight instructor also happens to be your best friend. You turn to him and ask, “Hey is my pack secure?”. Your friend grabs both of your shoulders, stares at you in the eyes and says, “Yes it’s secure. I can guarantee that because I prepared it myself. I bet my life on it. It’s safe. I promise you.”

I was sitting so close to the pulpit that the priest’s voice was extra loud. This was Christ saying, “Trust me. Let me in.”

That was enough to break me.
As consecration happened, I remembered the second part of my conversation with that friend:

“Sometimes we have to allow ourselves to keep staring. Why? Because love happens. In that moment intimacy is established and deepened. How? Because we allow ourselves to reach new levels of vulnerability with the other person. We let the other person stare back. Don’t look away. Don’t even think. Don’t let your mind wander.”

So I stared. And I’m happy I did.  From my POV, when the priest held up the host, it aligned perfectly with where Jesus’ heart would be on the gigantic cross behind the altar. I kept my gaze fixed on Him and didn’t stop looking even when I wanted to. And love did happen.

It hit me so suddenly and quickly that I lost control of my emotions. MY heart got caught in my throat and I was fighting back every urge to cry.  I knew that He affirmed an unsaid prayer in my heart about NALS. I didn’t vocally admit it at my adoration visits or state it during my rosary rounds. I didn’t have to. He just knew. I asked him WHY, and this is what He said:

“Because I love you. Because this is what I want for you. Because I didn’t want you to just learn about hope. Or feel hope. I need you to BE my hope for others to see. And you can only do that if you go there. Not for you, but for me.”

As if on cue, the music to Song of a Servant played….

“You are precious. You are Divine. You are mine. I die everyday to remind you of that very fact. I would take this cross over and over and over again just to make you understand that. You are worth every drop of blood that bleeds out of my Most Sacred Heart. So jump, my love. I prepared this personally for you. All that’s left for you to do is just jump.”

Nothing but tears. As strong and free flowing as the Niagara falls.

I walked straight to adoration right after that mass, and kneeled right in front of the monstrance. He met me there again. Still no words. Just a longing stare that revealed all of me.

And it was then that I noticed that at the base of the monstrance was a repeating imprint of ‘M’ interlocked with the cross, otherwise known as Mary’s miraculous medal.

“You never had to ask me for NALS because Mom requested it on your behalf. She sees it all and brings it to me. She found it even when you tried to hide it. You stood with her by the cross. You both looked at me, and it was there that I knew you loved me too. I’m glad you finally figured it out. Mother Mary is the key, because she will ALWAYS lead you to me.”

John, behold your mother. Mother, behold your son.- John 19: 26-27

In the same way, the Lord continues to affirm me that my discernment for Full Time Pastoral Work is where I can best reveal His greater glory to others. All these years without even asking for it specifically, He already knew  that this is where I could jump freely and be saved so that I could Be and Bring Christ wherever else I decide to go.