Jan 30, 2019
(The day after the first MV meeting that I have attended for the year)
Today I impulsively wrote a reflection, actually commuting to school.
Today is not greatest day, I’m already second-guessing and doubting myself or what I mean is that again I don’t feel I belong to the MV program. Because of last night first meeting, I started to analyze myself and compare again to other missionaries in the meeting how their simple share before the meeting was always or comes back to God. Somehow, some way it was inspiring, and it seems so natural for them. But as I look to my shares, it was generic compared to theirs. I self of worth was low because of it.
I was actually holding back my thoughts for sharing. The only thing was they were “negative” in a sense. It wasn’t joyful or happy, and that’s why I didn’t share it. After the share was over, I did regret not saying it because I lost the chance the ability to share about truly what’s going on.
One of the shares that I was planning to say but held it back was how I had a not so great day before the meeting. Starting off giving the wrong information to Martin about dates about HLT. There was a miss communication between me and cp. Even though it was a simple mistake and was corrected right away. I really felt bad, and I was hard on myself. “I shouldn’t make that mistake, I should no better on checking dates.”
Even though that swallowed me for the decent amount of the day, I know in the back of my mind is that this is legit my first month as a chapter head handling things like this leading, coordinating, communicating etc. I know its a but learning curve but I really want to be and perform well.
Part of the reason why my emotions were all over the place after that was how I communicated to my cp after that. It was not that great, It sounded like or in my head at least it sounded like that I’m blaming her for the mistake for not updating the calendar. There was a change of dates that I was not informed with. I just messaged her this in correcting manner, and when she messaged back that’s when I realize my intentions of correcting was not in love. No matter how nice my message was, my intention was not in love.
On that point on my stress/emotion was all over the place because I felt bad and asking my self why I did that.
I didn’t know what was the gospel for the day but I read the reflection that I assume relates to the day. It was something about loving brothers and sisters and mother.
Once I caught my self doing that, realizing my actions were not done in love correcting this sister. I immediately said sorry to her taking responsibility for the mistake.
I’m just grateful for my cp after that as she comforts me with shorts messages. After all that, she is still supportive. Even though she might not even take the correction in a negative way. I was just complicating it for myself but still, she was still caring.
If I’m gonna some up the reason why I impulsively made a reflection in the bus for the first time is that I lost the chance to share in the meeting, a way to let everybody known what actually doing in my life. In my mind these are my fellow missionary buddies that I will be journeying there will be days that it won’t go so well. But they are there to journey with me and guide me.
Please pray for me not to hold back.
I certainly know how there is so much I need to learn and so much I need improve I recognize these things.
Kind of lost my momentum after my last MVA meeting and exam was over a couple of months ago. That’s why when during the first meeting again I started to compare myself like what I did when I first journeyed through the MV program last year. But I recognize how much I need to learn and grow to be like these missionaries I’m blessed to journey with.
So what step should I do?
Well, I need to grow in confidence, again in fearless, to keep sharing with God in mind, reminding myself to share when I get a chance, don’t share for the sake of sharing something, maybe to ask myself what has God showed something today.
Gabby Pador