Coming into this year’s Lent, I didn’t put much thought on the fast that I decided, but it turns out that this fast will be the hardest fast I’ve ever experience. It pushed me to open my eyes and really understand and experience what Jesus has experienced in the desert in my own way.
So, the fast that I decided to give up was JUST Youtube…
Maybe you were expecting that I gave up something big like giving up rice, meat, all social media, which are all fasts that the people I surround has given up. Praise God for them because as of now I would have failed on the first day if I chose one of those. So, I decided Youtube since I was like “I acknowledge that I spend a bit too much on Youtube, and this will give me more time in prayer, it’s doable, it won’t be that hard.”
“A bit” is an understatement which I only realize when Lent started.
When the first day of Lent came, I was already struggling and already thinking of giving up. I was so jittery, can’t concentrate, finding some stimulus that will occupy the freed up time. From that point, I realize that I’m addicted, and how watching Youtube has been so integrated into my life. Watching something in the morning, before I sleep, resting, when I’m bored, on breaks studying, etc. That’s how bad it is, and I didn’t realize it until that day.
Praise God I pushed through the first week, I even started seeing the fruits of my fast, seeing what God wanted to me to see at that moment. Like I was able to spend and enjoy the limited time I have with my sister. I was able to see and be amazed at how my sister is growing, seeing her talents flourish. As I teach her how to play the piano, she was able to do what I tell her, and she actually listened(that’s rare), or to the small joys from randomly jamming with my sister with her on the drums and I’m on the guitar wondering how good she was knowing that I didn’t teach her drums. (We love music as you can tell)
But my fast was so ingrained in me that I kept finding some other stimulus to fill the empty space to satisfy my pleasure that I get from Youtube. So I started to read a Christian book so that I can learn more about myself and God, but I can only do that for so long. So, I’ve given into more social media, Facebook and Instagram.
So I’m basically deprived of my usual stimulus, my years of habit. My actions show that it is craving for something. Next thing you know that’s when I have failed, not in my fast but in other areas in my life. I’m to focus on not failing on my fast that I put all my attention to it. I failed and gave into physical pleasure. I should have known better, as I write this I realize that craving that I had I should have directed to God because I think that’s what I’ve been longing for this whole time. I’m just redirecting it to the wrong areas.
I was tempted outside what I thought I would be tempted. Which is the biggest realization I had. That’s when I really understood and related to what Jesus has experience in the desert, the only difference that He conquered and I lost.
So when Jesus was tempted for the first time to turn stone into bread, it is like when I started my fast. I fasted from Youtube so I was tempted with Youtube. The same thing for Jesus, He was fasting from food and God was tempted with food. Simple but straight forward.
As Jesus was tempted for the second and third time, He was tempted other than food, outside what Jesus is being “deprived off”. But His second temptation was basically the same as my second temptation which is bowing down to the devil in exchange for the world, in my case to physical pleasure. No matter how much I know it is bad, how much it disconnects me from God, and I strive to better myself, I ruined all that by giving in to the temptation. My guard was down when I thought I was doing well and I only had to concentrate the temptation that is right in front of my face, not weaknesses that linger behind.
From that point, I realized this is the time that I need to be stronger, to trust more, and to pray more. But not only just in Lent but constantly in our daily lives. We are constantly tempted in our lives and we know that we need to put a guard up when we need to, but things start to fail when we think the war or battle has passed. That’s when we put our guards down making us vulnerable from what the devil has in store for us.
We all have our own deserts that we need to walk through, some maybe have more temptation, maybe be tempted on the things you might not know, maybe in the desert for a longer time, or even have another completely different desert that they need to face. We just need to remind ourselves that we are not alone in this, God has already gone through the situation you are experiencing, He conquered all the battles, and He laid it all out like a set of instructions for us.
We just need to recognize that the devil is strong but our God who is vastly stronger, made us as strong.
As I strive to conquer my next battles that I will face as I go through and journey the 3rd week of Lent, please pray for me that I may put my guard up at all times especially in times in the least expected.
St. Micheal the Archangel
Pray for us
Gabby Pador