Source: http://saintland.com/rosary/
Prayer has become deeply important to me. I can’t tell you enough how good it feels to finally see how it has become a part of me, and not an exhausting daily chore.
I can still remember those days and nights when I was young, when my dad and my mom taught me how to pray. I remember them clasping their hands over mine, ensuring that our hands were always pointed towards the Heavens. I remember them giving my sisters and I a small, laminated piece of white paper with the “Our Father” prayer typed on it. I remember them showing me how to pray the rosary, and after years they looked over their shoulders to see if my hands were following the beads as we prayed together.
At the age of 12, I remember acknowledging that prayer was something I rarely did. I know this because I never became confident in praying the rosary out loud. I was always so scared to mess up in front of others. For years my prayer life was like this and as I look back, I can see that it really affected how I served in the community.
Even though I had conviction and desired for every soul to know and love God, I was very proud. I served in a “strong” way for two reasons: (1) I really did have a sincere strong love for God (2) I looked out for myself. And while the latter doesn’t seem so bad, my lack of humility caused me to always try to keep up this facade of perfect servanthood.
At the age of 16, I remember witnessing my chapter fall apart before I had said yes to becoming the chapter head. Members started becoming inactive. My closest friends stopped serving, and then they eventually became inactive. I didn’t know why I still felt called to serve, because who was left to serve? For myself, I didn’t understand why I felt like this burden was placed on my back. And so I found myself feeling guilty for what happened and I felt betrayed because I felt abandoned. I had written many unsent letters to my friends who had left. (Today I see those letters as honest cries for the Lord.)
At the age of 21, my chapter had grown and I was thankful to God that it was prudent for me to move on. After a couple of months into my new service role as Advocacy Head, I began to fall into some sort of depression, where I found myself feeling hopeless and alone. I remember laying in bed, crying, and feeling guilty for missing school. I remember feeling like I wanted to die, but I knew that that wasn’t what I really wanted.
At the age of 22, I still struggled with having a consistent prayer life but I became close to Our Lady of Sorrows and began to look to her for consolation and prayers. I learnt that even when I didn’t ask her to pray for me and my intentions, that she had always been praying for me.
Today, at the age of 23, I still find it hard to get out of bed because I’m either tired or anxious. But my thoughts in the morning are always, “Kleah, you need to pray.” And when I finally just pray, I’m in and I’m up, and I’m doing what I’m called to do.
Between the ages of 12 and 17, I was afraid to share that my prayer life was on the rocks because I was embarrassed that I could serve and evangelize, but I couldn’t hold down time for God.
Probably around the age of 18, at a CFC-Youth event, I finally shared that my prayer life was my consistent cross. After I admitted it to others, it became grounds for the Lord to come and save me.
At the age of 23, I desire nothing more than to be with Jesus in prayer, especially in Adoration. Even though, I still get anxious before I pray, I’m excited to know that I am reading His word, I am asking for His guidance and strength, and that I am listening to Him speak words of comfort to me.
“I am Yours. You are mine. I love You. You are enough.” These are the words I long to hear, and actually hear.
At the age of 23, praying is the most necessary part of my day. More than eating, more than sleeping. More than my own heart beating. My life needs to be a prayer because I want everything I do to communicate to God that I love Him, desire Him, and want to share His love with others. My hope is that I may be able to pray the rosary daily.
Praise be to Jesus and Mary.
Ad majorem Dei gloriam. God bless. <3
