True North Missionaries Journal

For the past six days I have been hooked up to an IV needle and an automatic pump. I have this black fanny pack that holds my antibiotics and it releases my medicine every eight hours. I need to visit the clinic once a day to get my bag changed because it can only dispense three doses a day.

I’m tired all the time. I get nauseous very easily.  And I’ve never been so easily irritated.

Basically, the doctor had to make a 1.5cm incision by my throat to drain out the infection. They had to force my mouth open and my tongue down because my airways were almost fully blocked. They used three different methods to freeze the affected area, but I still felt every bit of that procedure. I stayed awake the whole time and to be honest it was the most painful thing I ever had to go through.

I remember the only thought in my head that whole time was,

“Jesus, I don’t know how to endure this. It hurts. So much.”

As bad as things seemed, it could have been worse. If I waited even a day later, I could have risked a larger infection. The abscess could have ruptured and spread into my lungs, etc.

There’s still so much to praise God for.

In my week of resting, these are the things that the Lord has revealed to me:

1. I needed to slow down.

My Martha> Mary tendencies were coming to an all time high. I was so focused on the work and deliverables that I failed to take care of myself. I lost sleep from worrying about things that were out of my control. The mission will continue to move forward even if I take a break. I cannot put so much pressure on myself.

2. I needed to ask for help.

I had to stop expecting myself to be a superwoman. I had limitations that I failed to acknowledge and that brought on more frustration. The Lord has blessed me with brothers and sisters who are able to pick up where I can’t.

3. I needed to take a break.

I don’t have to be strong all the time. I’m human. I’m allowed to be weak. I can cry. I can allow myself to feel during moments of loss and suffering. I didn’t give myself time to grieve my aunt’s passing the way I should have. Not every battle has to be fought by me; some battles were never mine to begin with.

“If God gives you an abundant harvest of trials, it is a sign of great holiness, which He desires you to attain. Do you want to become a great saint? Ask God to send you many sufferings. The flame of Divine Love never rises higher than when fed with the wood of the Cross, which the infinite charity of the Savior used to finish His sacrifice. All the pleasures of the world are nothing compared with the sweetness found in the gall and vinegar offered to Jesus Christ. That is, hard and painful things endured for Jesus Christ and with Jesus Christ.” – Saint Ignatius of Loyola

4. I needed to let the Lord love me.

As much as I am called for much in the mission, sometimes all the Lord wants is for me to bask in His presence. Audrey Assad’s You Speak couldn’t have put it any more beautifully:

You liberate me from my own noise and my own chaos. From the chains of a lesser law You set me free. In the silence of the heart You speak. And it is there that I will know You and You will know me. You satisfy me til I am quiet and confident, in the work of the Spirit I cannot see.

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Suffering is a great favor. Remember that everything soon comes to an end . . . and take courage. Think of how our gain is eternal (St. Teresa of Avila). Our Lord and Savior lifted up his voice and said with incomparable majesty: “Let all men know that grace comes after tribulation. Let them know that without the burden of afflictions it is impossible to reach the height of grace. Let them know that the gifts of grace increase as the struggles increase. Let men take care not to stray and be deceived. This is the only true stairway to paradise, and without the cross they can find no road to climb to heaven” (St. Rose of Lima). Suffering is a great grace; through suffering the soul becomes like the Saviour; in suffering love becomes crystallised; the greater the suffering, the purer the love (St. Faustina). I always want to see you behaving like a brave soldier who does not complain about his own suffering but takes his comrades’ wounds seriously and treats his own as nothing but scratches (St. Therese).

 

This experience has truly humbled me. To be in the company of the Saints has been one of the greatest blessings this situation has brought me. I’ve found so much unity in Christ through their teachings on suffering and through the Lord’s. More than anything, my spiritual life has continued to flourish as I’ve found myself spending more time with Christ through the Eucharist and Adoration.

I shall continue to move forward and keep Christ as my goal. He has never abandoned me, and my faithfulness is all I can offer Him.

O Christ Jesus, when all is darkness and we feel our weakness and helplessness, give us the sense of Your presence, Your love, and Your strength. Help us to have perfect trust in Your protecting love and strengthening power, so that nothing may frighten or worry us, for, living close to You, we shall see Your hand, Your purpose, Your will through all things.

St. Ignatius of Loyola, pray for us.

“…the soul being stripped of every attachment or entanglement in order to be utterly simple and naked before God….means to teach us simplicity of the heart, which is not daunting but joyful.”

Stripped of every attachment = stripped of sins.

I was reminded of the story of Adam and Eve. When they disobeyed God and ate the apple from the tree, they hid because they felt naked and embarrassed. They put on clothing to “hide their sins.” On the other hand, when Jesus died on the cross, His clothing was stripped off; thus saving us all from our sins. These two stories sum up our struggle with sins. Because of Jesus’ death on the cross, we are saved from sins: we became “simple and naked” before God, but because of our human nature and weakness, we tend to fall into sin again and again and again; thus “clothing ourselves” over and over again, hiding our true beauty.

I know it’s hard to not fall into sin. In fact, we sin every day, no matter how big or small it is. But the Lord loves us so much that He gave us opportunity to be stripped off sins again: through reconciliation. But just because the Lord granted us the sacrament of reconciliation does not mean that we can just keep committing sins. The Lord continues to remind us to try to not fall into temptation. We shouldn’t have the mentality of “I will just commit this sin now because I can just go to confession tomorrow.” No, just no. If we have this mentality maybe we should consider reflecting on our lives again. Sacrament of reconciliation is a sacrament of purification of the heart, it’s not a sacrament of “so I can just get rid of my sins and I can sin again,” because if that’s the case, then we really are not reconciling. One of the analogies that I often hear about sins is the analogy of reconciliation = taking a shower. Going to confession is like taking a shower because it cleanses our souls. We want to take a shower because we wanted to be cleansed not because we wanted to get “dirty” again. It’s hard to avoid temptations, but the Lord calls us to TRY our VERY BEST to not fall into sins: to be stripped of our sins – to live like how Christ lived. How beautiful is it to be “simple and naked before the Lord.” How beautiful is it to come before the Lord without hesitations and being embarrassed. How beautiful is it to come before the Lord with nothing, so He can fully fill us with His love and compassion.

“…which is not daunting but joyful.”

How many times have we been scared of going into confessional because sometimes we are embarrassed of our sins or we are afraid that we might be judge or unaccepted? I did and I still do. But in fact, there’s really nothing to be afraid of, because if we truly are repenting, then our hearts should be joyful about it. There’s nothing to be afraid of purification and healing. In fact we should be the most joyful after a confession. I always remember that very light and happy feeling I feel every time I go to confession. It’s amazing. Instead of being daunted, we should be dauntless in living like Christ and reconnecting ourselves to Him.

To die to oneself and live like Him. Be nothing so we can be filled.

“Let nothing perturb you, nothing frighten you. All things pass, God does not change. Patience achieves everything. Whoever has God lacks nothing. God alone suffices.” – St. Teresa of Avila

Praise God!

 

“…and he will be the stability of your times,
    abundance of salvation, wisdom, and knowledge;
    the fear of the Lord is his treasure.” -Isaiah 33:6

Money was never really something I ever wanted to worry about. I was definitely blessed with the financial income despite my issues with prudence…I made it quite far, and I made sure the Lord knew that.

Until He decided to test me. I think this is a side of discernment from MV’s when it comes to FTPW that you don’t really hear that often, frankly because…well, majority of us have finished school or on the way to getting to our careers.

So, I’m in a bit of a rut. Financially (I REALLY DISLIKE TALKING ABOUT MONEY DESPITE ALL THE JOKES I MAKE), but I think it came at the right time.

Work is kicking in, endorsement deliberations have begun, some sort of invisible pressure has come upon myself and I’m sure for those that are in their second year as an MV.

I’ve been wondering about how I’ve gotten this far with the horrible decisions I’ve made with money, and now that I suddenly need it, its no where to be found. So i’ve stressed about it over and over again, thinking about how I’m gonna be able to leave my family just in case things go according to plan etc etc…you know…adult stuff.

I was then just reminded in a very subtle way of something very important that I’ve been learning and living by.

It was never me providing for myself or me being able to provide just on my own..but that my own stability from the past has always been because of my reliance of the Lord.

Life is definitely not about making the most money…its most definitely about being the better person that the Lord has always planned for you to be. You can say we have the best banker in the world on our side. That the Lord’s financial aid has always been His infinite mercy, His overflowing love despite sins and non practice of prudence or faith.

Crazy eh? Living a simple life can most definitely have the biggest out pour of love from the Lord. God will always provide. Trust! He’s got you!

Let’s allow ourselves to be stable in life, by letting the Lord be our source of Stability.

Thank You Lord. I see what You are trying to do here. Allow me to be completely open to You in everything. Thank You for providing for me and continuing to provide for me. Allow me to store treasures in heaven, and that the treasures I leave on earth can been seen as blessings from You.

Amen.

Deo Gloria

 

 

Recently, I’ve been feeling so out of place. I felt so much void, yet was filled with so much noise. The past few weeks became super busy, super fast… and it was in this haste of environment that made me lose sight of how restless my heart was becoming.

The pressures and deadlines with school and service all meeting up at once, the desperation to find a job because of the worsening financial struggles in my family due to my dad’s wavering health, the awkward transition out of HSB without a program head to take my place and a national assignment to still complete… All of these things were running through my mind. And there was only one thing I felt in this struggle: Loneliness.

I felt so lonely, yet I had so many brothers and sisters to talk to about how I was feeling. Sometimes I felt like no one would understand, to the point where I couldn’t even tell my own best friends how I was feeling. The bottled feelings exploded eventually and in a way that got me reflecting on why I would bottle things up in my heart anyway.

My 21st birthday was this past Friday. After my morning lectures, I drove to Perpetual Adoration at Holy Cross, but once I got there, I couldn’t focus. All I heard was noise, distraction, chaos. I realized that my heart was no longer beating to glorify God, since the inner most crevices of my heart contained such disorder. It was simply just beating to keep my body alive, even if my soul was in a state of poverty. So I looked at Jesus, tried my best to cut the noise, and placed my hand on my heart. I prayed to Him: “Jesus, let me hear you.”

In my moment of prayer, some sensation came about me. The Lord let me hear His Heart. I realized in that moment that though my heart is filled with noise and voids of sorts, The Lord’s Heart is complete. It beats perfectly… for us. It beats constantly, pumping blood into His body– and we are His body. His Love outpours with every constant beat of His Heart and I can’t help but feel so grateful from simply knowing this Truth.

There’s so much noise in our lives because we fail to internalize His heart. Sometimes we fail to understand and seem to forget that His Sacred Interior, His Constant Peace, His Eternal Love… all come from the steady beat of His Heart. Let us strive to hear His Heartbeat with our own hearts, because as this earth changes, as things change around us and as we change… His Heart will always stay the same.

Couples for Christ is not a perfect community, in fact just look around and you will notice all the imperfections easily.  Even in community life, people will disappoint us, hurt us and attack us. But that’s what I love about this community. In the midst of all the imperfections, Christ is there. In the midst of all the hurts, trials, difficulties, Christ is there. My biggest challenge is to see not only through my eyes but also through my heart, so that I may be able to truly love and forgive others, just as Christ loved and forgave me first. This is such a beautiful reading, may it be our prayer today and everyday:

Col 3:12-17

So, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience; bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you. Beyond all these things put on love, which is the perfect bond of unity. Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body; and be thankful. Let the word of Christ richly dwell within you, with all wisdom teaching and admonishing one another with psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with thankfulness in your hearts to God. Whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through Him to God the Father.

This week has been such a busy week. Not only service but dealing with the loss of my grandma. I knew it was coming soon but I guess I wasn’t ready to deal with it.

I was not worried about myself but the rest of my family. Especially my dad and my uncles and aunties… It really it me when we had the viewing of my grandma with my family. At that moment I was standing near the casket and looking and not moving… Seeing everyone going up and saying they last words to her totally pulled my heart to another level. It was time for me to really think of what I love about my grandma and reflect on what she meant to me. I am truly grateful for such an amazing gift God has given me and she was one amazing grandma. As the last goodbyes happened. I planned to be the last one in the room to pray with Her one last time. And decided to giver her my favorite medallion of Saint John Paul II and said my last goodbye. Idk how to feel or what to say… But this!

Thank you grandma for all the good times we had  together and there was never any bad moments. And being so loving, caring, obedient, and mother to anyone and everyone. I can’t wait to see you in heaven! Love your grandson Ambrose!!!