“Bloom where you are planted.”
Sometimes, this isn’t always the thing I want to hear. Being completely real and honest, sometimes, the places I’m planted and the situations I find myself in aren’t always those I want to be in. Sometimes the things I hear or see around me aren’t always the things I want to see or hear. Then when I try to ask for advice about these times, I always hear, “Bloom where you are planted!” Filled with stubborness, I sometimes find myself looking down or looking away with the infamous “-.-” face, thinking: THAT DOESN’T REALLY HELP…HOW?! That’s exactly what I’m trying to figure out to do…

Rewind to the basics…

LOVE

“To love is to bloom where you are planted, knowing wholeheartedly that Someone has loved where you are long before you were ever planted.“

The reason I am where I am is not solely for others.
The reason I am hearing what I hear and seeing what I see is not solely for myself.
The reason I am asked to do what I do is not solely for those I love, but all of it is for, through, and by the Lord, long before I was ever privileged to take hold of it and be a part of it.

The reality is, we won’t always like where we are, the situations we may find ourselves in, or like the things we see and hear, but the grace in these circumstances is being able to see and understand the fact that God has loved these things before we ever were part of it. So for that very reason, there is worth and value in it. It is also understanding that in everything that exists, also exists a purpose. So in this, I will continue to be obedient and say my YES to the Lord so that I may always bring His purpose for me into completion.

Lord, may we always be ready to be humbled by Your Will, and carry a childlike faith, trusting that in all of these things, You are simply teaching us ways to LOVE MORE…

For others,
For ourselves,
And ultimately, for You,

Amen.

TOTUS TUUS.

Why would God be so attracted to humility? Humility disposes us to the grace of God as does nothing else. Humility creates a space that God can inhabit with his self, healing and perfecting our self. (Mysteries of the Virgin Mary, pg. 39)

The Litany of humility O Jesus! meek and humble of heart, Hear me. From the desire of being esteemed, Deliver me, Jesus. From the desire of being loved, deliver me, Jesus. From the desire of being extolled, deliver me, Jesus. From the desire of being honored, deliver me, Jesus. From the desire of being praised, deliver me, Jesus. From the desire of being preferred to others, deliver me, Jesus. From the desire of being consulted, deliver me, Jesus. From the desire of being approved, deliver me, Jesus. From the fear of being humiliated, deliver me, Jesus. From the fear of being despised, deliver me, Jesus. From the fear of suffering rebukes, deliver me, Jesus. From the fear of being calumniated, deliver me, Jesus. From the fear of being forgotten, deliver me, Jesus. From the fear of being ridiculed, deliver me, Jesus. From the fear of being wronged, deliver me, Jesus. From the fear of being suspected, deliver me, Jesus. That others may be loved more than I, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it. That others may be esteemed more than I, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it. That, in the opinion of the world, others may increase and I may decrease, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it. That others may be chosen and I set aside, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it. That others may be praised and I unnoticed, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it. That others may be preferred to me in everything, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it. That others may become holier than I, provided that I may become as holy as I should, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.

Eternal Father, look tenderly on me as I strive to be a better daughter, friend and servant. Humble this sinful heart that longs to be with you. Teach me to be patient, teach me to be kind, teach me to be joyful, teach me to love even more than I can imagine. Lord, teach me your ways to Holiness. 

Mother Mary, most faithful and humble servant, you are the epitome of all things pure and all things beautiful. Intercede for me, that I may  love more intimately and more deeply just as your Son continues to do so.

Divine Heart of Jesus, Loving Heart of Mary, be with me always.
St. Faustina, pray for us.
St. Rose of Lima,  pray for us.
St. Catherine of Siena,  pray for us.

Last Tuesday, I had an MRI scan. It’s not my first time so as I was waiting,  I already knew of the tight space I will be confined to as they scanned my body. While I’m not claustrophobic, it does make me feel uneasy. I knew that a needle would be poking my right arm the entire time and while I usually don’t mind, the fact that I can’t move coupled with the loud noise the MRI scanner makes throughout the process makes me feel twitchy and jittery. My parents were there when I first had the scan but they couldn’t take time off work this time so I had no one to talk to while I was waiting.

Along with all those feelings came self pity. I knew I shouldn’t indulge but it couldn’t be helped. I mean, an MRI is not something people do on a regular basis; ergo, having to go through the procedure means something is wrong with me. Couple that with being alone in the waiting room while everyone else had someone with them to hold their hand or talk to, I felt lonely and sad. I was on the verge of tearing up (LOL, I realize it sounds ridiculous and makes me look like a drama queen but I am not (: ) but because I didn’t want to draw attention to myself, I started tinkering with my bag. Thankfully, I discovered I actually brought Son, the fourth book in The Giver series by Lois Lowry. 5 minutes in, I read the passage below:

“It’s a grievous wound. Someone tended it, stitched it up. There are the marks.”

“I know,” Claire whispered.

And that’s when it hit me. Even though I’m handling my situation better and I’m more grateful than burdened by it (as what I shared during liveloudTO2014), there are times when I would still feel hurt, and insecure, and sad about it…times when I would feel like it’s a stain I can never rub off. Although these moments or triggers (as I call it) are becoming rare, I realized it would be there forever. Like a scar. But that’s the thing about it being a scar; although it lingers, it means it’s healed.

May we always remember that the Lord is an even greater Healer than the deepest wounds we carry. Through His grace and love, we are able to mend but in order for Him to do so, we need to let Him in. Although the scars from our wounds will always be there, may we let it serve as a reminder of the things we had to endure and how far we’ve come. More than that,  may our scars serve as a testament to His love for us.

with this, may He be praised forever.

Last weekend, I went with a few friends to Victoria to oversee their Youth Camp. We slept over at one of my friend’s house because we’re taking the 7am ferry the next day. We had an early start to our day as we woke up to get ready and left the house at 5:45am. Nothing can shake our excitement of going to the island for the mission. We docked in Swartz Bay terminal a little over half past 8. Then we headed straight to Sooke, where the campsite is located. The brothers and us, the sisters, were separated in two cars. Oh man, I remember that feeling being in the car with Hannah and Lozel. Though I battled the car ride with a half awake mind and body, I knew that we were all excited to arrive at the venue. Until something unforeseen happened.

The weather wasn’t exactly perfect especially for a ride that required going uphill. Just 30 minutes away from the venue, we started having car difficulties and the roads were all icy and slippery. We tried to go back to take a different route, only to find out we were being led to the same route we were on the first time. Even worse, the car started producing noises that didn’t sound normal. So normally, a car full of sisters, we got so worried. There was a point when we pulled up to the side of the road, popped open the hood of the car, and stared at it cluelessly. Then we decided to go back to the city and have it checked. On the way back, we prayed the rosary. The first place we went to couldn’t accommodate us so we had to go further into the city. Right after we finished the rosary, Hannah comforted the car jokingly, as if telling it that everything is going to be okay. After a few seconds, the unusual sounds disappeared. We couldn’t believe it. We decided to have it checked still just in case. And true enough, the mechanic said there was nothing wrong with the car.

Now what did I learn from this experience? Patience most definitely. I couldn’t understand why we had to take the earliest ferry only to find out we would arrive at the venue 3 hours later than our expected time. I didn’t understand the purpose of the delay. But it is in my lack of understanding that the Lord just told me, “Be at peace.” Trusting in the Lord means finding comfort in Him even when we don’t know what He’s up to. So the whole time, I was just allowing the Lord to love and comfort me.

And this is how I felt His love.

• The two sisters I was with – I have grown in my relationship with them, Lozel being my household head and Hannah as my mentor. I knew it was inevitable for us to get to know each other but I didn’t expect I would allow myself to love them this much and allow myself to be loved in return. Journeying with them for the past year, has definitely made me go out of my introverted self by sharing with them my victories and crosses. Although I spent good conversations with them individually, I think the Lord wanted to bring us 3 together to allow me to feel the joy of sisterhood and the fruits of friendship rooted in Christ. #UStheTrio #DCTalk3 #FriendsForLife #3speakersession #pyramid
• The sunshine – the Lord knows I hate winter and the cold. But there was a certain beauty I witnessed when the sun shone on the snow covered ground, when the light peeked in between the trees, when the light created soft colors in the sky, and when the warmth melted the ice on the ground. It gave me hope. It reminded me that it is  the Lord that illuminates and brings out beauty even in places or situations I don’t expect.
• Mama Mary – Devoting myself to her through the rosary has lifted a weight from my chest in total surrender that she will take care of all that I have; my possessions, my crosses, my merits, my virtues. When the car miraculously got fixed after we prayed the rosary, I smiled because I knew she was taking care of us. Now I don’t know exactly why the delay happened the way it did but I felt comforted when I thought of Mama Mary praying for us to save us from something that could possibly have happened on the road. I’d like to think that she delayed us so the sun can melt the ice.

We arrived at the venue safely and the weekend was very fruitful and filled with love. But the journey up there is something I will never forget.

Thank You Lord for the detours and delays You allow me to experience in life. Thank You most especially for the many ways You comfort me and allow me to still feel Your love. I pray that I may never get tired, never get blinded and never forget Your love for me. Pray for me, dear Mother, that I may be worthy of the promises of Christ.

Vulnerable.  I have been feeling extremely vulnerable… and I hate it am honestly so scared. At the risk of sounding a bit over-dramatic (for possibly even this entire blog post… so please spare me of your judgments,) I am afraid of having the Lord be too real with me in this discernment.

Now that the year is coming close to the end, I am now at a point in my discernment where the Lord is challenging me to be specific. If  I desire a specific answer, then I must be specific in my prayer intentions. (Duhh, Jessica!) However, for me… it’s not all that easy. This is because if I am specific with my questions and thus expect a specific answer in return, then what happens if His answer isn’t what I want to hear? That’s what scares me.

I am the type of girl who always has a plan. I have plans A-Z all figured out in my head, and if plans A-Z doesn’t work, that’s ok… because I will always have plans AA-ZZ. If you look in my planner It’s colour coordinated and filled with lists and dates. If there’s at least one thing that I’ve learned this year, it’s that the Lord’s plans are often much different than our own:

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways my ways, says the Lord” (Isaiah 55:8).

For the past while I’ve really been unpacking this anxiety and what it stems from. I began to ponder… “If I don’t have all these plans, if I don’t have any self-security, if I don’t have the affirmation I seek from those around me, if I don’t have these worldly things, then what does that make me?” All that kept on repeating in my head was, “vulnerable, vulnerable. No one wants to be vulnerable!”

However, one night I was praying in front of the crucifix in my room. The Lord truly unveiled to me that our posture of surrender must not only be of joy and love, but also vulnerability. As I stared at Jesus nailed to the cross–covered in blood and beaten with a crown of thorns placed on His head–I couldn’t help but ponder just how vulnerable He must have been. In our calling to Love more  the Lord calls us to be vulnerable just as Christ was. I realized that in having both His hands nailed to the cross, His arms were wide open, as if He was preparing Himself to offer His loving embrace and mercy to those who come to the foot of His cross. It is in this encounter that His inexhaustible love and mercy literally pours out for us.

So If I am stripped of these all these plans, these worldly things and this selfish security, then yes, it does make me vulnerable. Even more so, it puts me in a position that ‘I must die to thineself’ on my own cross. But it is in my vulnerability that I become totally Yours and experience the fullness of Your love.

In retrospect, that’s all that should really matter. In all that I say, think, and do–I pray, oh Lord, that it may continually lead me to being totally Yours.

Jesus, King of Mercy, I trust in You.

Most Sacred Heart of Jesus, have mercy on us.
Immaculate Heart of Mary, pray for us.

Amen.

LOL. p.s. sorry… this reflection is a bit old. It took a while to bring myself to share it. I realize now that it should have been shared before advent. But perhaps then the Lord is asking you to prepare yourself to be vulnerable this advent season so that you may experience the fullness of a real relationship with the Lord.

At times we hear
a still, small voice that
gently speaks to us
in the midst of our busy lives,
calling us forth to give of ourselves.

In these moments of grace,
the Lord reveals to some
His desire to entrust
a special mission.
A mission of sharing in the
awesome gift of walking
with another in their time of need–
that one life might be born,
and another reborn.

And to these friends he calls,
he asks, “Will you be my heart,
my hands and my feet?”

Then He waits.
With a hope that
the response will be
one of fearless love.

/Called Forth, from the Sisters of Life