True North Missionaries Journal

Yesterday, a sister of mine approached me and asked me a question. Her question was, “What does fire mean to you?” In that very instant, I can only think of one answer (in fact, I silently told myself my answer) — love. All I can think of is love. Love is fire. My fire is love. Then, it hit me, I feel like the Lord is asking me, “What does love mean to me?” More specifically, what does love mean to me personally?

Three days ago, I wrote a message for someone. Funny enough it was about love. Little did I know, that message was actually for me. Three days after, I realised what the Lord was trying to tell me. I can’t fully remember what exactly I wrote, but it goes something like this:

“Love is sacrifice. Love is self-giving. Love is compassion…. There are many meanings, but remember that I am God. I am the Lord. I am love. I am your mission…. I called you to finish your mission. Your mission is Me. Your mission is love. You are called to love.”

And there goes my answer, Love is my mission — to love in my own little way.

To love Him the way I know how to love Him. To love Him in a very personal way. To love Him first, more than anything else. To love Him without hesitations. To love him without any ifs and buts. To love Him by loving others more than myself. To love Him by being that fire to light the world.

Fire can consume anything and anyone in just a matter of seconds, and so does love. God wants us to love that way, love like a fire. From the very beginning, the Lord just wanted to love the whole world — to let us feel His burning love for each and everyone of us.

I believe that every single person in this world has that fire, and the Lord gave us the free will to ignite that fire. But just like fire, when we immerse ourselves into it, it could be just very painful. Our mission could be very difficult. We can lose hope, we can lose faith, but it is through these difficulties that we are molded to be like Him. Like a brother of mine once said, through our doubts, we find faith. In faith, we find hope, and in hope, we find love. And once we found it, it’s not meant to be kept, but to be shared. That’s just how love is; that’s just how mission is.

At the end of the day, it is up to us if we want to be that “fire” that would consume the world. Do we want to be that fire that would spread the warmth of God’s love to the world? Can we be that fire? Are we ready to be that fire? Are we ready to fully accept our mission?

Lord, please help me to be that fire. Please give me the courage to accept my mission without any hesitations. Allow me to fully devout myself to You. Please use me to spread Your love to the world. Amen.

I think having a heart to heart moment with God is when you say yes to something despite all your worries and fears. A moment of honesty with God when you pour your heart out to Him and he allows you to feel just how much he Loves you.

A few days ago I got a call from Tito George for my endorsement for full time work… to be honest I never thought the call would come. I’ve never really seen myself as the best candidate to be endorsed, when I have a one on one with kuya Kevin I would never fail to voice out my concerns, and I remember this one time at a restaurant kuya Gelo even asked me if I could picture myself as a full-time worker and said “not really”.

Needless to say I was very surprised.

I’ve always pictured how it would feel like when I would receive the call, that all my fears and anxieties would flood my mind and it did. I thought about the future, my school debt, pensions, mortgages, and every possible thing that would hold me back from embracing the endorsement.

I realized at that moment that I’m not made up of my anxieties and worlds expectations of me. My purpose is not to please everyone but only one person, God.

I said yes to the endorsement and I’ve never been happier saying yes to something in my entire life. I thanked Tito George and I told him that I trust in the Lord and His plan for me.

The real me was happy and joyous that I got endorsed. Who am I kidding I’m a romantic, to be Loved is all I’ve ever desired and God has always Loved me. He chooses me, calls me, and Loves me every single day.

I told my parents this morning and I’m not going to lie it wasn’t the easiest conversation to have but in the end they support me and they are proud that I’m passionate about pastoral work. I need no more affirmation than that.

I think this is the Lord giving me a wake up call. That I should give more of myself and try harder in being a better mission volunteer. I don’t think i’ll ever be worthy but the Lord calls me anyways so I will strive to be better for Him.

At the end of the day I don’t know whats going to happen to me but I trust in God and the community that led to have a relationship with Him.

Praise God and thank you for reading.

A few weeks ago a few of us from the GTA Area Core went on a pilgrimage to Quebec City to visit the Holy Doors at Notre Dame de Quebec. Most of us knew very little about what the Holy Doors actually were. Some people imagined that it would just be a freestanding doorpost frame in the middle of nowhere (don’t worry, I won’t mention who those people were…hahaha). I read up a little bit on what it was all about, but going to Quebec I still didn’t really know what to expect.

When we all passed through the door, each person explored a different part of the church. We all found ourselves looking for a Catholic priest. We found him by the St. Joseph shrine, and the line was long because he was the only English speaking priest out of three stations. After observing the speed of people coming and going, some of us decided to venture out and look for shorter lines. I stayed.

After an hour, everyone but me had finished going to Confession. I was adamant about staying in that particular line. Ever since I was about sixteen years old, my mother gave me a St. Joseph rosary and she told me to pray to him for help with my love life- for help with finding a husband (should that be the vocation God wills for me). There was something about having a face to face experience with a priest right before the beautiful St. Joseph statue that tugged at my heart. Something made me want to stay. I’ve seen so many St. Joseph statues, but this one just called out to me. So even after an hour and a half, I still waited.

And waited,
And waited,
And waited…..

Mass began and I started to panic. Here I was, standing patiently in line for what seemed like forever, and at this point there was only one other person in front of me. “I’ll make it,” I told myself. But then the Homily began, and the person who went in 25 minutes before mass started was still with the priest reading from his stack of papers. The woman before me kept huffing and turning in her seat. She mumbled to the lady in front of her. This guy was at confession for almost an hour! The more she fussed, the more desperate my heart grew.

“This was a stupid idea,” I told myself.

Why the heck did I have to be so stubborn? I waited for two and a half hours, the mass will end and I probably still won’t be able to have Confession with St. Joseph before me. As the priest was getting ready to bless the bread and wine, a huge lump settled at the base of my throat and I was so tired that I just let the tears fall down my face.

“Why Lord? Why did this happen? Why couldn’t I just let myself leave this spot and go to another priest? I would’ve gotten what I wanted. I would have found the peace I desired and the absolution I needed! I can’t leave Quebec feeling so empty. I can’t leave feeling so unfulfilled! I. Am. So. Stupid.”

*At this point, the priest was saying his blessing for the gifts*

For some reason, I felt this need to adjust my body and move my gaze from the monstrance to St. Joseph’s face. So I did.

And that’s when it me. It hit me like a pound of bricks. It hit me like a slap in the face. A lightbulb turned on.

“How do you think I felt…” – St. Joseph’s face somehow exuded, unchanging- “to wait for something I thought I always wanted, something I always thought I needed, something I worked hard for…?“

St. Joseph probably always wanted to marry. Like any other committed, conservative, God-fearing man he knew that if he waited long enough, he would find a good Jewish woman who he could have beautiful Jewish babies with. A wife of his own, a family of his own.

St. Joseph did marry, did have a wife, did raise a child. But the child was not of his flesh and blood. And his marriage he was never able to consummate. Like any other human being, St. Joseph must have grown impatient, tired, doubtful, fearful, confused, terrified…

And yet, he lived his life to the fullest and died a peaceful death. He had his own dreams, plans and ambitions but left them behind because he knew that God wanted to give him more- not in his lifetime, but in the next in heaven. St. Joseph waited his whole life (here on earth) and never attained his worldly desires but never stopped living his life of waiting.

I felt a sudden rush of peace. What did I really want in the first place? Was it not simply God whom I desired? And was he not here, present, right before me in the sacrament of the Eucharist? And would he not quench that thirst, fill that hunger every single day at His altars, at every single Catholic church I could ever step foot in?

I didn’t get to go to Confession that day. I didn’t get to speak to the priest in the presence of St. Joseph. But the affirmation and intimacy of having the Lord reach into my heart and rearrange the pieces within myself was more than enough. I received the grace I needed to keep going for my lifelong pilgrimage- the one that went beyond the confines of the church, beyond the borders of the French city.

To be joyful in the wait, because God has a plan for me well beyond my own understanding.

I didn’t exactly understand everything a month ago, but now as I enter into this new year I can’t help but be excited for what is to come. I am going into my third year as a Mission Volunteer into a completely different ministry from where I first began. I entered this program thinking that as confused as I was my future would be clearer in 2015 but here I am, still waiting for his plans in my missionary life to unfold.

I’m a lot calmer than I have ever been. Peace has nestled its way into the corners of my heart. I don’t know where I’ll be a year from now, two years from now. I still  have my own plans, my own dreams & aspirations, but like St. Joseph I will be happy with a life of waiting knowing that at the end of it all, it is God who I ultimately desire above all. And however way he chooses to reveal Himself to me, whatever way he chooses to love me… His promise will endure now and forever. 

Very recently, I came across my Papa’s (my dad’s father) prayer book. My grandparents passed away when I was very, very young. Papa passed away when my dad was 8 years old. Mama (my paternal grandmother) passed away soon after my 1st birthday. As for my maternal grandparents, Tatay (Lolo) passed away when I was 4, and Nanay, when I was 10 years of age. I’ve always wondered what they would say about me becoming a missionary if they were here. Despite the wondering, I have never felt like the ever left my side.

When I was in Israel, my spiritual director – Father Carlos – once told me that God uses all of our encounters and situations we experience to lead us towards our vocation; our specific call and choice to a greater holiness. And I believe finding Papa’s prayer book at the very beginning of this year is a part of these encounters. As I flipped through the pages, I found bookmarks on specific teachings relate-able to the questions I currently ask, or topics I have been curious about. But what really allowed me to feel Papa’s affirmation was through how God spoke in his prayer, which I later found at the very back of the book:

O God, Whose love never faileth.
Let me be aware of Thy Presence and obedient to Thy will.
Strengthen and increase my admiration
For honest dealing and clean thinking,
So as to live that I can stand unashamed and unafraid
Before my fellow men, my loved ones and Thee.

Encourage me in my endeavor
To live above the common level of life.
Protect those in whose love I live.

Make me choose the harder right
Instead of the easier wrong,
And never so be content with the half truth
When the whole can be won.

Help me to keep myself physically strong,
Mentally awake and morally straight.
Give me the will do the work of a man
And to accept my share of responsibilities
With a strong heart and a cheerful mind.
Let my mind remind me daily
Of the name of the family of which I am a part.

If I am inclined to doubt, steady my heart.
If I am tempted, make me strong to resist;
If I should miss the mark, give me courage to try again.

Guide me with the light of truth
And keep before me the life of Him
By whose example and help I trust
To obtain the answer to my prayers,

Jesus Christ, Our Lord,

AMEN.

Thank You, Lord, for blessing me with a God-fearing family. For a family that has always lead me to a greater understanding of what it truly takes to simply just love more… each and every time.

Holy Family, pray for us.
St. Francis, pray for us.

TOTUS TUUS.

So I recently just got back from a trip with some old and new friends. We took a 5000 mile journey from Beautiful British Columbia, down to San Francisco, Los Angeles, San Diego, back to Los Angeles, another stop in San Francisco, back north to Portland, into Seattle, and back home where the heart is.

So with getting that out of the way, allow me to share with you a few experiences/revelations. You already know, if you keep up with some of my blogs, its very simple..yet very personal to me. So yeah,

HERE WE GO

Before we went on this journey (the pre-trip I guess), I had an opportunity to head into adoration at a parish I am familiar with but never took the time to take advantage of the chapel there. So I sat there, really wanting and yearning for the Lord to speak…I tried and tried to listen..only to realize that maybe in the busyness of life outside, He wanted me to sit and stare. (There’s a reason why that is written in bold letting..just wait)

“Open your eyes and your ears.”

Alright…I’m not gonna lie..when I was reflecting on what I felt what the Lord was telling me…I was confused. Why not my mind? Why not my heart? Was the answers to my prayers really that simple? Without question though, it stuck to me, I wrote that down on my phone and proceeded with the days ahead before the trip.

So, lets fast forward a bit. The reason I took this trip was because I felt so lost in the busyness of life. I didn’t know what I wanted, nor did I know what the Lord wanted for me. I’ve been stuck in this vicious cycle of being inspired to being luke warm, to keeping my emotions in check to being a wreck etc etc…oh man. The last half of the year was a personal blur…so I really felt compelled to let the Lord work in this trip.

So, lets fast forward again. We (me and my friends that went along) were sitting in the living room after we woke up and one of our friends decided to randomly share a reflection. Another friend of mine affirmed that reflection with simple words that was said so quietly, yet when I heard it, it felt like the weight of the world dropped on my head. Here it is, another revelation.

“God doesn’t want to confuse you. He makes everything personal to you and to you only.”

Alright, Alright. Once again. Opening my eyes, check. Opening my ears, check. God doesn’t to confuse me. Got it. So now what?

We were given the opportunity to visit a few friends at St. Michael’s Abbey up in the Orange County, California area. To be honest, it was the first time I’ve been ever exposed to the lives of a seminarian. These guys were even cloistered. A friend (Frater Emmanuel) that I have not seen in forever was one of the seminarians along with his brother (Frater Joachim) were the ones we were visiting. A little background story about Frater Emmanuel and I… (Side story ahead)

We never really talked before. (Bet you weren’t expecting that) But he plays an important part as to why I am still in the community. When I first decided to give the community a chance again back in 2010, I found myself often by myself due to not really knowing many people or still trying to get back into the groove of things. This big guy approached me…and just asked, “How’s your prayer life?” A lot changed from that conversation even though not much was said…what shocked me the most and what stuck to me the most was that wow, don’t even know him and first thing we talk about is faith. First thing he says about himself is really asking me how I am with the Lord.

OKAY, so enough of that…we were just driving in the car and here he goes again..I’m driving, he’s in the passenger seat, “What’s your predicament, Vince?” Immediately I got flashbacks of the first time we talked. So I explained to him, how I felt confused and how my experience in adoration just felt like I was staring, waiting. Then he reminded me of a story of St. John Vianney,

“I stare at Him because He stares at me.”

I got shivers. Maybe God is just waiting for me to say something rather than just sit there?

Anyways, we also had the beautiful privilege to visit the Bethlehem Priory of St. Joseph where the Norbertine sisters live. It was a beautiful experience…They too are very much cloistered, so it was rare to even see the sisters because as we sat during adoration there is a wall that prevents us from seeing them. It was so ironic because I could feel immediately the beauty and peace in the chapel. Really, you couldn’t see another soul in the room, yet you could feel the presence of true surrender and devotion to the Lord. Amazing experience.

They even fed us pizza and fruits…through a gate. HAHA Praise God though in invading their kitchen and drinking fresh milk and eating fresh cheese.

One of my friends has an interest in seriously discerning for the religious life. I sat there praying for that person in the chapel and I thought about how hard it was for the Fraters, and even for the sisters or anyone even to discern/plan for the religious life. Then boom…

“If you plan, only then will you be able to be open to what I have in store”

Okay, so lets fast forward to being here at home now after all that had happened.

I realized that the Lord has been always been working in my life despite the busyness and blur of it all. I was confused with decisions because I was okay with not doing anything about. I was just…staring. Little did I remember..the Lord this whole time continues to look at me in hopes that I may become a reflection of passing the blessings He has given me.

“Open your eyes and your eyes”

The people I went with were an affirmation to that revelation. To be a witness to their stories, their lives…It is an internal inspiration that I have been able to gather from them in how they serve the Lord now, and how much MORE they want to LOVE. The Lord was revealing to me how simple the matters of the heart can be comforted, by simply being a witness to His work in everything around me, and the beautiful devoted Catholics who I’ve been able to cross paths with.

“God doesn’t want to confuse you. He makes everything personal to you and to you only.”

Boy, did He ever make this trip personal to me. When it comes down to it my desire is to serve this community with a whole heart. I desire to be a better Catholic. I desire to love more. That conviction isn’t confusing. Its in fact a personal message from the Lord I’ve yet to unfold.

“I stare at Him because He stares at me.”

Never forget that in the end of the day, beginning of the morning…its always God. The one who loves, gives, takes, shares, forgives, etc etc. This was a revelation to simply stay in front of His presence.

“If you plan, only then will you be able to be open to what I have in store”

Be specific now. The Lord wants to hear these desires. He wants to know exactly what it is you are praying for. Be open to Him.

Lord, thank you for Quez, Butch, Tanya, Rocky and Bryan. Thank You for the safety You’ve granted us this past trip. The revelations, the spontaneous worships, reflections, and all of the above. Thank You for speaking to me. Thank You for this beautiful community. Thank You for life giving friendships. Thank You for family. Thank You for the life you’ve given us and the life ahead. Thank You for continuing to love me and everyone I love. Allow me to love more. Allow me to learn to receive. Allow me to selflessly give. 

2015, I’m not saying I’m ready..I’ll just say that I’m willing.

Deo Gloria 

**I missed so much more things that came from this trip…just ask me in person**

I never used to think of God or refer to Him as a “Promise Keeper”

I envied those that called Him that. I always felt like they had this hope in them that I could never really grasp for myself because I doubted so much if God would really grant me the true desires of my heart.

However, in the last few months, others kept pushing me to look at God as a promise keeper. I wrestled internally with this for a long time. I really just couldn’t believe that God would give me the things I longed for. In my own understanding, all of my desires conflicted with each other. If I chose one, I would forfeit everything else I wanted. I couldn’t bring myself to sacrifice for one thing because I wanted everything.

I asked Him over and over again, “God, how is this possible?” Instead of answering my question, God asked me “Why don’t you believe in me?” and eventually I found that my answer was “Because I don’t believe I am worthy of the things I desire.”

It was difficult for me to admit to God that I still  believed in a lie. I thought I had come so far in my healing process, yet there were still dark crevices of doubt in my heart that believed I was unworthy of God’s love.

As I continued to wrestle the doubt out of my heart, I came to realize that God was expanding my faith and using the holes in my heart to help me become more holy. As a I lifted up my doubts in God the Promise Keeper, I saw Jesus give Himself as THE promise of joy, over and over again in mass, as bread and wine. It was a comfort to know that when I opened my eyes to see how God saw me, I didn’t see all of the flaws I had. Instead, I saw God, who loved me through my flaws. I saw a God who loved me in my honesty. I saw a God who wanted me to hope, to dream, and to claim victory over my doubts. I saw a God who lay behind all of my desires. I saw a God who assured me that I would live a life of fulfilled promises because He is the Promise.

Don’t get me wrong. I know there will always be challenging life moments where arrows of doubt are fired into my heart. However, when I open my eyes to His presence in my life, I know without a doubt that in this moment He is keeping His promise to me. I don’t need to have the things I want or life goals accomplished to know that He is good to me. All I need to know is that God is with me, because He is my promise fulfilled.

Everything happens for a reason, and His very Own timing. Sounds so cliche, but it is true. I was definitely able to experience this all throughout the year. I remember I was praying inside a Church few weeks ago, I was asking the Lord for so many things. My list of request just went on and on and on, but then He gave me this answer: