True North Missionaries Journal

Today, I will submit two final papers: an 18 paged one regarding harm reduction, and a 10 paged one about family systems. Next Friday, I am scheduled to write my final exam. With these, my post graduate studies come to a close.

Ending is bittersweet – I loved my program. I learned not only from my instructors but also my classmates. Being in placement at a drop in centre mainly for the homeless has allowed me to interact with  the marginalized and those who are in the fringes of society. I was privileged enough to get to know them and their stories and without them knowing, has been used by the Lord to expand my heart a hundred times more.

As much as I enjoyed it, I’m happy it’s done. My parents are happy I’m finishing strong (LOL), and there’s just a sense of relief that I was able to submit all my requirements. But then with this ending comes the apprehension and doubt concerning the future. As scary as it is to think about and despite the unknowns and the hazy and limited view I have, I rest in the knowledge that the Lord knows where I will find ultimate happiness and He is guiding me towards that path.

We see the start but You see the end

We see in part but Your love sees everything

We plant the seeds but You make them grow

We’re building a house, You’re building a home

– Future Not My Own, Matt Maher

About two weeks ago, I had an unfortunate event that caused me to be fearful of attending mass/taking part in the sacraments at this particular church. It’s a significant place to me because my family has been going there since we first moved to Mississauga 13+ years ago. It’s a place that my heart has grown accustomed to calling home because I’ve done most of all my Trinity Runs there, and I can’t even recount how many answered prayers were borne from hiding at the  Adoration chapel there.

I strongly identify with the prodigal son; it’s only been three years since I’ve come home to the Catholic Church after my secular world life binge. In that time I’ve done everything I could to “make up” for all the lost time. But the conversation I had with the parish priest broke me down so much that I couldn’t bear to hold back all the tears welling in my eyes. The conversation only lasted five minutes but by the end of it, I was left alone feeling extremely unappreciated, unloved and abandoned.

At that moment, I doubted everything about myself, everything about my spiritual journey thus far. All the voices that told me I wasn’t worthy grew louder. Every single doubt I’ve had suddenly started to pile up, one after the other until I had this huge wall around me.

I avoided that church like the plague in the past two weeks. Every time I drove by I felt extremely nauseosus. I begged my family to go to a different parish during Easter Triduum and it killed me that a place I felt so secure at all these years suddenly became a breeding ground for more hurt and pain. I even went so far as to stop veiling. I lost all the courage to wear one.

(I found out that my wearing a mantilla while speaking to the priest had a huge impact, since he’s more Liberal and does not necessarily approve of the practice. He’s even refused to give a parishioner communion because she was wearing one. Tough, I know.)

I’ve opened up about this situation to a few people and I had a great realization. At the end of the day, priests are still human the same way all missionaries are human. For reasons of his own, the priest reacted the way he did. He probably felt the need to protect his beliefs. Maybe he had a bad day. Maybe he wasn’t in the mood. Whatever the reason was, I should keep lifting up the hurt in my heart to God so that I don’t harbour resentment in my heart. After all, it’s God who I face each time I am at church, not the priest. It is God who I answer to, not the priest. That’s not to say that I should not act with respect when he’s around…but I should not let that one instance stop me from showing reverence to God in the way that I always have- through the mass.

I’m glad I was able to do a Trinity run today. It felt good. The associate pastor was the one who celebrated mass and it was the priest that I also had confession with. I’m glad I didn’t let my fear stop me because I experience so much goodness and kindness.

I realized how much God longs to be a part of me through the Eucharist.

I was reminded of how beautiful His love and mercy can be.

I found courage to love more.

As I entered the Adoration chapel, I reached for the veil in my bag and put it on. I felt so at peace being able to do so. I was in a state of grace, and I could just feel God’s presence. I took everything that had piled up in the last 2 weeks asked Mama Mary to help me find the strength to willingly put it all at the foot of the cross. I knew I had to move on and the only way I could do so was by asking for her intercession.

At the end of the day, I know what I am called to do- and that’s to be present before the one whom I love most.

He is Risen! Alleluia!

Last week I was very blessed to be able to attend the Good Friday Liturgy at Westminster Abbey in Mission, BC. Right before the Liturgy started, I was suddenly very hungry and thirsty. I had only drinken a small glass of water prior and after getting accustomed to a regime of eating every few hours, fasting was something I was definitely not used to. This hunger and thirst made me feel so tired but I couldn’t sit down because the church was full. I started praying that I would be able to ignore the pangs and focus on the Liturgy when I realized that this is how Jesus must have felt. Of course I can hardly compare my small pain and thirst to His great one, but I got a minuscule taste of what he felt when He said: “I thirst.”

I first came across these words while I was going through 33 Days to Morning Glory. These 2 words, though simple, have so much meaning.

Why does Jesus say “I Thirst”? What does it mean? . . . If you remember anything from Mother’s letter, remember this—‘I Thirst’ is something much deeper than just Jesus saying ‘I love you.’ Until you know deep inside that Jesus thirsts for you—you can’t begin to know who He wants to be for you. Or who He wants you to be for Him

At this most difficult time He proclaimed, ‘I thirst.’ And people thought He was thirsty in an ordinary way and they gave Him vinegar straight away; but it was not for that thirst; it was for our love, our affection, that intimate attachment to Him, and that sharing of His passion. He used, ‘I thirst,’ instead of ‘Give Me your love’… ‘I thirst.’ Let us hear Him saying it to me and saying it to you.

(excerpt from Mother Teresa’s Secret Fire by Joseph Langford)

Imagine how many billion people are on Earth right now and how many don’t know God or have ignored the fact that the reason we celebrate Easter is because our Savior has conquered sin and death. Even after knowing that, imagine how many of us, who are on our journey with Christ, turn away from our personal relationship with Him time and time again; it’s no wonder Jesus thirsts. Despite that, He never fails to love us unconditionally, and He reminds us of that every time Easter rolls around.

With this new Easter season, may we allow Jesus’ death and resurrection to remind us that we are loved immensely, that He constantly craves our love, and that we (and everyone around us) will forever need His love.

Lord Jesus, thank you for allowing me to experience even just a fraction of your hunger and thirst. Please use me so that I may be able to help satiate your thirst and the thirst of those who long to know you. Amen.

My friend was asking me for songs that are not necessarily Catholic in nature but can be interpreted as such. I don’t know if that makes sense but yeah, anyway… Here’s one I shared to him; one I really love as it reminds me of Mama Mary and how loving and gentle she is in her ways. 🙂

Often times when we encounter problems, we ask God why it happened. We throw Him questions like, “Why is my life like this?”… “Why is my family broken?”… “Why did you make me with this body instead of that one?”… “Why are so many people dying of starvation?” — yet again we forget that He is God. He is all powerful and He is the answer to all these questions. Instead of asking God all these questions, why don’t we ask ourselves, “What have we done to fix these?”…”What have we done to make our lives better?”… “What have we done to unite our families?”…”What have we done to allow others to see us as children of God?”…”What have we done to help feed the needy?”– What have we done? What have I done? What have you done?

Father,
I abandon myself into Your Hands;
do with me what You will.

Whatever You may do, I thank You:
I am ready for all. I accept all.
Let only Your Will be done in me,
and in all your creatures –
I wish no more than this, O Lord.

Into Your Hands I commend my soul;
I offer it to You
with all the love of my heart,
for I love You, Lord,
and so need to give myself,
to surrender myself,
into Your Hands,
without reserve,
and with boundless confidence,
for You are my Father. Amen.

This is definitely one of my top favourite songs ever, and specifically this version of it. It’s simple yet powerful, calming but moving, quiet but speaks volumes in the soul. Everything about this song is straightforward and doesn’t beat around the bush with its message.

And His glory appears like a light from the sun

Enjoy a little piece of my heaven here on earth!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n1dbfwxCsmg

I have been so blessed to be humbled by the places God has brought me to in this mission. And one of the most meaningful have actually been my home parish.

Every year, my family always participates in a pilgrimage to Teopoli – a retreat area where communities gather for the stations of the cross. 2 years ago, I had been blessed to do this in the Philippines. Just a few months ago, I had been blessed to meditate upon the stations of the cross in the places they happened in Jerusalem. And this year, due to a specific turn of events, I remained here in small-town Milton, ON.

I was so surprised to pull into the parking lot… it was more full than Christmas. But it was humbling to see that no matter how many parishioners overflowed the church, everyone kept reverence. It’s as if every single person in attendance (even the children) somehow knew what was going on, and my heart laid at peace.

Many people dream of the Holy Land. But what I believe and have witnessed to is that the Holy Land can be anywhere. It is wherever we bring Christ. And this Easter, I sat in peace seeing a piece of such a beautiful experience right where I am; HOME.