True North Missionaries Journal

“A true missionary… never ceases to be a disciple, knows that Jesus walks with him, speaks to him, breathes with him, works with him. He senses Jesus alive with him in the midst of the missionary enterprise. Unless we see him present at the heart of our missionary commitment, our enthusiasm soon wanes and we are no longer sure of what it is that we are handing on; we lack vigor and passion. A person who is not convinced, enthusiastic, certain and in love, will convince nobody (266). ” – Pope Francis

Mary Help of Christians and St. Paul, pray for us.

Totus tuus

I was surprised with a comment recently, while watching a movie about St. Francis and St. Clare of Assisi. After the scene where  “I wish God would speak like that to us today. Why can’t we hear God’s voice or call like that so clearly these days?” And it led me to think…

Maybe it isn’t so much of God not speaking to us that way anymore.

Maybe we have just simply become too loud.

Back in the day…

No one had cellphones. No one had wristwatches to constantly check the time. No one had iPads, iPhones, or mp3’s and earphones to drown the world out in decibels of music. And the only tablets that populated conversations were the ones God had written on.

If we would travel alone, we could reflect for hours, hearing only the sounds of God’s creation…
In a day’s journey, we spoke to one another – for weeks of a journey sometimes.
In a day’s journey, there weren’t any vehicles that would prevent us from feeling the wind or the true heat of the sun, or a radio to blast explicit words of “artists”…

The only Artist many of us would hear was God. And He didn’t swear, but speak words of Truth and Love.

But now-a-days, we have distracted ourselves with noise we have created; distractions we can choose to ignore or put aside. And unknowingly, we drown out “The Voice” that many of us have become envious (of our ancestors) of not hearing.

Maybe it isn’t so much that God isn’t calling us or speaking to us, but rather we have grown to hear our own voice more, or the voices of this earthly world. But if we take one car ride to turn off the music and/or turn down the window… or take a walk somewhere quiet to just drown ourselves out of the noise we have created, maybe… just maybe… we will hear “The Voice.”
TOTUS TUUS. 

Christ Walking On The Sea Of Galilee, Henry Coller (1886-1950)

“As Christians we are called to have courage, the courage to honour God’s extraordinary request that we forgive someone even in the midst of our pain.” – Mother Angelica

An edited excerpt from my journal:

“Tuesday, April 7, 2015

Today I walked into my parish with an extremely heavy heart. While I prepared myself for confession, I felt my heart begin to relax as I saw Christ exposed before me. The weight of my sin slowly began to liquify and my eyes grew to swell up. When I entered the confessional, I saw my parish priest, Father Jim, smiling at me with delicate concern.

He said, “Welcome Kleah.”

I replied shyly, “Hello Father.”

I sat down in the chair facing perpendicular to him and we lifted our hands. In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. Amen. He prayed and asked God that I may give a good confession.

Father forgive me for I have sinned. It’s been two weeks since my last confession.

In my hands was my notebook and as I read my sins aloud, the weight of my heart melted faster and I experienced a familiar feeling, where the weight of my heart began to disappear; like water evaporating into air on a sunny day. Slowly tears started to fall from my face and Father carefully handed me a box of tissues.

When I reached the final sin on my list, I momentarily stared at my notebook, released a short sigh, afraid to admit what was the greatest burden in my heart. As I began to speak, everything in me broke loose and tears streamed down my face because of the guilt I felt for feeling so hurt, especially since it was Easter — one of the most joyful liturgical seasons. I began to explain the frustration I felt against myself.

When I was done Father looked at me and said I was beautiful and that I had it all. He admitted that it was okay for me to feel sad and hurt for a moment; he even apologized that I had experienced such pain from my situation. But he continued to say that I must move on and look forward to greater things. He said that it’s good for me to have hope, to hope, and to continuously strive to trust God with everything. But in doing so, I also needed to trust in my own capabilities that God has blessed me with.

As penance Father asked me to reflect on my life and see how far God has taken me, how He hasn’t abandoned me all this time, and that He will continue to bless me with His grace.

Father told me to repeat, “Jesus I trust in You” for five minutes and assured me that if I needed to speak to him more, then he would be available next week, after he returns from Israel.

Everything Father said to me affirmed me and all of my worries. And it only makes sense to me now that I write this because Father Jim was the one who taught me how to forgive in different ways three years ago, and today he has continued to help me love those who have hurt me in another way through acceptance of my hurt and choosing to love, accept, and befriend them regardless.”

I was afraid to share this part of my life because it was the first time I had ever cried in confession. I was hesitant to share this, but I realized that this story isn’t about me coming to God and crying. This story is about God waiting for me to cry to Him.

In this story God waits with His mercy and goodness, with perfect love and assurance that everything is going to be okay, that I’m going to be okay, all because His love is greater than these.

The thought of completely surrendering my whole life to God has always been incredibly scary. It means that I don’t have any control. It means that I have to walk on a path that is unpredictable and full of surprises.

I’m not someone who prefers that at all. However, from this experience and realizing that God is always ahead of me, there’s really no point in trying to outrun Him. There really is no need for me to be afraid because I don’t have control over anything anyways. Instead of being scared, God continues to speak and He says:

Wherever you walk, there I will already be. 

Thank You Lord. I trust in You. <3

This past February I had the opportunity to embark on a journey in the East coast. I’d like to think of it as a ‘Discernment Pilgrimage.’ My journey started in Montreal and then went from Downtown Toronto, to Waterloo, to Cambridge (to attend the SOLI Sisters Come and See), and then finally to Mississauga. Prior to my trip,  I experienced about a 3 month of utter dryness and desolation. However, despite my emotions, I still tried my best to remain faithful to Lord in prayer and actively pursue holiness.

The blessings from this journey are beyond measure. It was such a humbling experience to from the beginning to the end, the Lord has relentlessly pursued me and spoke my soul–giving me answers to the questions I had been so tirelessly searching and listening for. The impact of this journey still deeply resonates within me (and I hope it always will). I am still pondering and unpacking the Lord’s messages to me. One thing that I have been continually pondering since was how the Lord calls us to continually give of ourselves. He depicted this in the image below:

(Lolz.. please excuse my Instagram Screenshot, I wanted to capture the caption as well).
When I had returned home and place that crucifix on my personal altar (it was my souvenir from the St. Joseph’s Oratory in Montreal, QC) it struck me that all the answers I was seeking was spoken for through this depiction of this Holy Cross. Among many answers I received through this moment of clarity, it was quite clear that those 3 months were so dry because the Lord intended to remind me that I should always thirst to drink from the Cup of Salvation.

Since then I began to ponder. I have been in this continual discussion with Christ, asking Him, “Lord, what does it mean to drink out of Your cup of salvation?” What He has revealed to me thus far is that to drink from His cup is the following:
1) We must first empty our own cups. We often pass up opportunities to drink from His cup because our own cups are filled to the brim–sometimes overflowing–with our sin, pride, selfishness, greed, and resent, and
2) We must not only die to ourselves, but also be willing to bleed out of Love for others. This, this is true charity. It is through our willingness to bleed for others that we begin to drink out of the cup of salvation.

This manifestation of charity and outpouring of Love calls us to be both Christ and Mary depicted on the Cross. Like Christ, we too must die out of Love for God and His people–but like Mama Mary, we must also be willing to accept this cup and share it with the world to drink from.

It isn’t too hard to see that the world is thirsting for more. We see it in media, our colleagues, classmates, community members and even our own family members. More often than not, the world (ourselves included) seeks to quench this thirst in all the wrong places. It is then our calling as Christians to offer them the cup of salvation–but first, we must drink for ourselves. We cannot give what we do not have.

What is that Lord is calling you to empty your cup of before you can drink from the cup of salvation?
In what way is the Lord calling you share this cup of salvation with others?

Eternal Father, we offer You the body and blood, soul and Divinity of Your dearly beloved Son, our Lord Jesus Christ, in antonement for our sins and those of the whole World.

Most Sacred Heart of Jesus, have mercy on us.
Immaculate Heart of Mary, pray for us.
St. Faustina, pray for us.
St. Joseph, Pray for us.

Amen.

Remember that the passion of Christ ends always in the joy of the resurrection of Christ, so when you feel in your own heart the suffering of Christ, remember the resurrection has to come. Never let anything so fill you with sorrow as to make you forget the joy of Christ risen.

– Blessed Mother Teresa

Divine Heart of Jesus and Loving Heart of Mary, be with me always.

Many times I forget that, praying does not necessarily mean having to recite a set of prayers. But rather, simply just conversing with the Lord.  It is getting to know Him and getting to know ourselves through Him.

“To pray is to talk with God. But about what?’ About what? About Him, about yourself: joys, sorrows, successes and failures, noble ambitions, daily worries, weaknesses! And acts of thanksgiving and petitions: and Love and reparation. In a word: to get to know him and to get to know yourself: ‘to get acquainted!’” – St. Josemaria Escriva

Jesus, King of Mercy, I trust in You.