True North Missionaries Journal

2 weeks ago, I was blessed to join other Western North American brothers and sisters for the conference (WNAC) in California. I arrived in California few days before the conference because I wanted to travel around and also help out with any conference preparations left. When I arrived at my host house for the pre-conference days, I was welcomed much to my surprise of long list of conference things to do. Of course, at first I gladly accepted because I was there early to help out as well. However, as these days grew closer to the WNAC weekend, my heart started to feel heavy because I also knew that I wanted to spend my pre-conference days travelling around California. Instead, the Lord presented me with tasks. I couldn’t just ask the CFCs in the host house to tour me around because a) it’s not right, b) everyone who got hosted in the same house were busy with conference to do things that it would be inconsiderate for me to just leave and wander around and c) the CFCs hosting me actually had a big role for WNAC so they were also busy with things and picking up service team from airports. If you have been to California, then you would know that it takes long time to visit from places to places and transit is not readily accessible. However, I kept telling myself that I was there for service, to serve, to help fulfill what God has planned for this conference. But since my thoughts are not the same as His thoughts most of the times, it was hard to accept that, especially since I knew that I wouldn’t have time to travel around Cali after WNAC because my flight back home is literally right after the last day of WNAC. As heavy as my heart was, I decided to ignore the feeling and continued in doing the best I could. Conference weekend came and I knew that the first two days would be hectic due to serving for creative competitions.

Throughout the weekend I realized that this is one of God’s major challenge/task/test for me especially being an MV right now. In a way, He allowed to experience a foretaste of what FTPW life could be, a life of sacrifice and joy. Sacrifice? I’d like to think that I sacrificed some thing. Joy? I admit that I, as a person, tend to dwell on things especially sad things/moments which sucks my joy out and I just display this emotion of sadness, unworthiness. This was also Jesus’ way of asking me, “ARVIN, DO YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN THESE, more than the comforts and the worldly pleasures?”

“The miracle is not that we do this work, but that we are happy to do it.” – Blessed Teresa of Calcutta

There was definitely joy serving but I know that it wasn’t 100% joy, or at least 100% “voluntary” joy (sometimes I had to force myself because I don’t want to pass on this aura of sadness to others, though I’m pretty sure others felt it). I’m sure that I didn’t fully achieve this major task God had given me. Whether He’s calling me to FTPW or other things, it’s really time for me to discern more, to PRAY (PRAY PRAY) more because serving without joy is definitely not what God wants.

Despite of all of this, The Lord reminded me again of His love most especially through the other CFCY I met and got to serve with (special S/O to PAC bros and sis), through familiar faces, through affirmations of why I am in this community (e.g. a Priest, who used to be a CFCY, did talk 1 and he shared about how CFCY led him to his current vocation) and of course the beauty of California.

It was bittersweet to leave California but I know that Lord has purpose for bringing me there. He wanted me to rekindle of how His love revolved around my life and that it’s my turn to show my “love revolution” to Him.

Do you know how to swim? Lots of people do, lots of people don’t. For those who do, they probably don’t think twice about jumping into the ocean, but i’m sure it’s much different for those who don’t quite know what they’re doing. Imagine a young child who had never stepped foot in a swimming pool, standing at the edge, while her father is in the deep waters with arms stretched out saying encouragingly, “Come on! Jump in! You can do it!” Although unsure, and maybe somewhat fearful, she jumps – simply because she trusts her father with her whole life.

At times our faith is tested like that of a child learning how to swim. When we know the Father is calling us to something, do we leap into His arms without hesitation like a child would? Or do we, upon seeing the scary and unknown waters, dip one foot in while keeping one foot firmly on the ground? She knows and believes with utmost faith and trust that he will be there, that he will help her, and will teach her the way.

Yesterday’s Gospel (from Tuesday August 11th) reminds us to have a child-like faith. The kind that doesn’t doubt, or question, or fear, but one that is humble and trustingly leaps into our Father’s arms. We may not always know what we are doing, and may not always have control, but we have it in us to believe, to trust, and to have faith. 

Lord, may we trust You enough to jump in with both feet, our whole heart, and our whole being.

The disciples approached Jesus and said, “Who is the greatest in the Kingdom of heaven?” He called a child over, placed it in their midst, and said, “Amen, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will not enter the Kingdom of heaven. Whoever becomes humble like this child is the greatest in the Kingdom of heaven. And whoever receives one child such as this in my name receives me. “See that you do not despise one of these little ones, for I say to you that their angels in heaven always look upon the face of my heavenly Father. What is your opinion? If a man has a hundred sheep and one of them goes astray, will he not leave the ninety-nine in the hills and go in search of the stray? And if he finds it, amen, I say to you, he rejoices more over it than over the ninety-nine that did not stray.  In just the same way, it is not the will of your heavenly Father that one of these little ones be lost.” [Matthew 18: 1-5,10,12-14]

La Disputa, Raphael (1509-1510)

As one may have read in a previous post, I came into the CFC-Youth Western North American Conference with the only expectation that I was going to serve at whatever capacity that the Lord was willing to give me. I really had no thoughts about what sort of messages God was going to reveal to me throughout the weekend, but as I participated in the Holy Mass on Friday evening, the Lord surprised me and unveiled a question that had been buried, but was stirring vigorously in my heart, “Lord, where can I find joy?”

I had been suffering from self-doubt in my service since I applied as an MV (also something I had previously mentioned in a post), and worries and memories that I thought I had healed from began to resurface and hurt me again. But after I had asked this question, instantly, yet ever so clearly, the Lord replied,

“I am your joy.”

It was then that I realized I had become a sad person because I was searching for joy in all the wrong places, and finding and trying to hold onto fleeting moments of consolation and happiness. But the reality is, nothing in this world satisfies and fills all the thick and thin crevices of the human heart except for the One who created it. The love of God satisfies the human heart.

“God is my joy.”

A truth, which has become more than a statement that brings me peace, but is now a personal battle cry that I know this world is in need of hearing. For those who are experiencing sadness, are depressed, and seem to have every reason to doubt why they are even in existence, and for those whose situations may not even be that extreme, the answer to all that they are experiencing doesn’t stop at the Cross, but perseveres to the end and towards the belief of the resurrection and the hope of the life of the world to come.

The turmoil and the travesties that roam gladly in our minds, that real love will not win is a lie. As far as I believe, and with absolute certainty, the Love Revolution that this world craves and hungers for, begins and ends with the love of Christ. But Christ has already won; Real Love has already won — the proof is in His resurrection!

For myself, there is this continuous struggle to fight against my thoughts and my anxiety, and this undesirable hesitation that causes me to not bravely confront my own sloth. But the good news is that I’ve discovered how and where I can receive the grace to win these battles, and that is when I meet with Christ in the Sacraments. And this grace invites tremendous joy and peace, especially when I come before my Lord in the Blessed Sacrament. Now, after 4 or 5 years or so, I realize why Jesus Christ has said to me many times,

“Visit me often.”

Coming to Jesus with all of my burdens tied to my back is exhausting, but I feel like I’m released from it every time I’m with Him. And it’s not that I forget that they exist, but it’s in the way He looks at me and it’s in the way that He embraces me that makes me understand that there is nothing I can do or be that will change His love for me. Whether the load on my back cuts through my skin or causes my shoulder blades to ache for a split second, God will not and does not withhold the joy that I need to endure the weight of my own cross. The joy I receive from Him sustains and is enough for me. I am at peace knowing that my life will never be dry of joy, as a raging river of it will come each time I am in His presence.

“If you carry your cross joyfully, it will carry you.”
– Thomas A. Kempis

And so I pray that I continue to visit Christ often in the Blessed Sacrament because it is true what Blessed Mother Teresa of Calcutta has said,

“The time you spend with Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament is the best time you will spend on earth. Each moment that you spend with Jesus will deepen your union with Him and make your soul everlastingly more glorious and beautiful in Heaven, and will help bring about everlasting peace on earth.”

Praise God, and God bless. <3

There are two specific gifts we’ve been given by God to help us with our day-to-day decisions:

1) The gift of conscience, and
2) The gift of free will

Both quite noteworthy, since they are what separate us from all other creations He’s placed on this earth. As human beings we’re not bound by mere instincts or slaves to our emotions. We have our conscience to remind us right from wrong, and our free will to be able to choose right over wrong.

It comes down to the power of using these two gifts in tandem. Tandem: to have one following, or to have one behind the other. It’s true that we can use these gifts by themselves, which is often done, but they were given to us to be used in tandem. If we do one without the other, exercise knowing right from wrong but don’t follow through by choosing right over wrong, then what is the point? If we exercise our free will, but fail to seek or recognize the right choice from a wrong choice, more often than not we will likely choose based on emotion or our own selfish will.

“No testing has overtaken you that is not common to everyone. God is faithful, and He will not let you be tested beyond your strength, but with the testing He will also provide the way out so that you may be able to endure it.” [1 Corinthians 10:13]

Man…Still in California as our Western North American Conference has just wrapped up this past weekend.

I didn’t expect this trip to feel so personal especially as the lead up to this entire thing was so last second/unplanned and was so frustrating/filled with anxiety at times.

So yeah, first off Praise God always.

Secondly, this trip has pushed me to my limits in being able to acknowledge a lot of my faults as a servant/brother/friend etc etc. I can sense that the Lord is definitely molding my life again in a very clear and specific way.

Long story short, I realize that I am actually fearful. Fearful to find out the fullest capacity in which the Lord can work through me. Fearful to find out what my calling to my vocation is even though I’ve been open to everything/anything that has came my way.

Like I said, Praise God.

If there is something I learned that will be apart of my “Love Revolution”..it is that…

It starts by giving the Lord the opportunity to work in the most uncomfortable moments in my life. To really let go.

I have a few days left here. I want to speak more with You. What is it You want me to find?

Pray for me. I feel uneasy. I’ll definitely be praying for all of you who read this.

Deo Gloria

3 things im thankful for this week.

 

1. The people around me

2. Household

3. Vacation

 

What are thankful for?

 

“Many people [in authority] oppose us, persecute us, and would like even to destroy us, but we must be patient. As long as their commands are not against our conscience, let us obey them, but when the case is otherwise, let us uphold the rights of God and of the Church, for those are superior to all earthly authority.”
— St. John Bosco

I am finally free. I no longer work in a toxic work environment, and I no longer need to deal with a manager who gossips about me, causing me hurt and anxiety. But now, I continue to pray for her.

It’s incredible, though, how someone can go to the extent of their “power” as management, in order to destroy someone, because of their jealousy towards them. I don’t mean to sound so conceited or anything, and forgive me if I do, but I believe that it is jealousy that she has towards me. But it boggles my mind how someone can feel so jealous that they go to the extent that they do, just to “be better” than the person they are jealous of. It doesn’t matter that the company is closing in a couple of months. It doesn’t matter that she doesn’t have to see me anymore. What matters is that she is on top of me and that she has the satisfaction of bringing me down.

The Lord does not punish us (though it kinda felt like it). It was definitely a test of humility, patience, and endurance. It was so easy to just fall down to her level and engage in the gossip with my coworkers, but it did nothing but give me satisfaction that people were on my side…but at the end of the day, I knew God was disappointed in me. The past two months were the hardest two months of my life; both spiritually, physically, and mentally.

This experience is an affirmation of how much more we need to pray for the people in authority. That they learn to use their power for the greater good, and not for their personal satisfaction or advantage. As well, for the people who work for someone above them, that they cling on to God’s promise, fight through the hurt and frustration, and focus on getting through it all with prayer.