True North Missionaries Journal

This past weekend I had the privilege of attending and serving HSB’s (my mission area) School Volunteer Training to go camping in Sunshine Coast, BC. I was serving as music min for the entire four days.

If any of you really know me, guitar isn’t my strongest instrument to play, and I definitely need plenty of time to really get a song down to play it comfortably. But this weekend was a test of kindness and patience for myself.

A week before the training, I was asked to play and naturally I said yes cause I’d consider myself always mission ready. But after thinking more about it, I actually knew I wasn’t ready. I tried my best to learn as many songs as possible but it just wasn’t enough time. When we were finally at the campgrounds, I already had this sinking feeling in my chest like I was about to perform in front of the whole world.

I managed to make it through the first few days, and it was excruciating to struggle while playing. I just had in mind “please get this over with” and “I’m almost finished”. I hated the fact that I was almost butchering worship and I really wished someone more experienced would just take the lead, but there was no one else. I was really dragging my feet through what my service role was for the weekend and was so focused on just how bad it was.

But a very dear sister said something that weekend that helped me remember why I was still doing it. She was sharing a struggle she had and went to adoration looking to Christ on the cross and she saw Him saying, “Do I not look tired?” That put things into perspective for me. It reminded me that the Lord must’ve dragged His cross all that way to Calvary. The Lord must’ve hated every moment of that suffering and wished it would stop. The Lord must’ve been so tired emotionally, spiritually and especially physically.

Yes, it was burdensome to have to go through something and knowingly suffer through it, but the glorifying end result is worth all that suffering. The lives you help change, the Spirit you help nurture in those you serve, and so much more good deeds the Lord does in all of us. Suffering is meant to go hand in hand with Salvation, because otherwise it wouldn’t be worth it.

Happy birthday Mama Mary. It was your YES that made it all possible. May our yes be as meaningful.

 

 

Source: http://saintland.com/rosary/

Prayer has become deeply important to me. I can’t tell you enough how good it feels to finally see how it has become a part of me, and not an exhausting daily chore.

I can still remember those days and nights when I was young, when my dad and my mom taught me how to pray. I remember them clasping their hands over mine, ensuring that our hands were always pointed towards the Heavens. I remember them giving my sisters and I a small, laminated piece of white paper with the “Our Father” prayer typed on it. I remember them showing me how to pray the rosary, and after years they looked over their shoulders to see if my hands were following the beads as we prayed together.

At the age of 12, I remember acknowledging that prayer was something I rarely did. I know this because I never became confident in praying the rosary out loud. I was always so scared to mess up in front of others. For years my prayer life was like this and as I look back, I can see that it really affected how I served in the community.

Even though I had conviction and desired for every soul to know and love God, I was very proud. I served in a “strong” way for two reasons: (1) I really did have a sincere strong love for God (2) I looked out for myself. And while the latter doesn’t seem so bad, my lack of humility caused me to always try to keep up this facade of perfect servanthood.

At the age of 16, I remember witnessing my chapter fall apart before I had said yes to becoming the chapter head. Members started becoming inactive. My closest friends stopped serving, and then they eventually became inactive. I didn’t know why I still felt called to serve, because who was left to serve? For myself, I didn’t understand why I felt like this burden was placed on my back. And so I found myself feeling guilty for what happened and I felt betrayed because I felt abandoned. I had written many unsent letters to my friends who had left. (Today I see those letters as honest cries for the Lord.)

At the age of 21, my chapter had grown and I was thankful to God that it was prudent for me to move on. After a couple of months into my new service role as Advocacy Head, I began to fall into some sort of depression, where I found myself feeling hopeless and alone. I remember laying in bed, crying, and feeling guilty for missing school. I remember feeling like I wanted to die, but I knew that that wasn’t what I really wanted.

At the age of 22, I still struggled with having a consistent prayer life but I became close to Our Lady of Sorrows and began to look to her for consolation and prayers. I learnt that even when I didn’t ask her to pray for me and my intentions, that she had always been praying for me.

Today, at the age of 23, I still find it hard to get out of bed because I’m either tired or anxious. But my thoughts in the morning are always, “Kleah, you need to pray.” And when I finally just pray, I’m in and I’m up, and I’m doing what I’m called to do.

Between the ages of 12 and 17, I was afraid to share that my prayer life was on the rocks because I was embarrassed that I could serve and evangelize, but I couldn’t hold down time for God.

Probably around the age of 18, at a CFC-Youth event, I finally shared that my prayer life was my consistent cross. After I admitted it to others, it became grounds for the Lord to come and save me.

At the age of 23, I desire nothing more than to be with Jesus in prayer, especially in Adoration. Even though, I still get anxious before I pray, I’m excited to know that I am reading His word, I am asking for His guidance and strength, and that I am listening to Him speak words of comfort to me.

“I am Yours. You are mine. I love You. You are enough.” These are the words I long to hear, and actually hear.

At the age of 23, praying is the most necessary part of my day. More than eating, more than sleeping. More than my own heart beating. My life needs to be a prayer because I want everything I do to communicate to God that I love Him, desire Him, and want to share His love with others. My hope is that I may be able to pray the rosary daily.

Praise be to Jesus and Mary.
Ad majorem Dei gloriam. God bless. <3

The Holy Family with dog (1645-1650), Bartolome Esteban Murillo

Last weekend (I am posting this entry extremely late. I’ve been editing this for almost a month now haha.) I attended my first Singles For Christ True North Conference in Winnipeg, MB. I was a little bit nervous about going because the workshop titles and descriptions led me to believe that the entire event was going to be about love, but not the type of love that I was used to hearing about in CFC-Youth. And so, I felt oddly disarmed, travelling to a gathering with this “expected” theme of marriage and courtship because I didn’t know much about either. The only things I knew about either were from observing my parents’ or CCs’ marriages, reading a few blog posts here, watching a few videos there, reading about it in the CCC, attending an SFC GA Q&A about the subject, and from personal conversations with the Lord.

Even though I admit I don’t know much about it, over the past few years I’ve come to believe that God is calling me to marriage. For now, the details of this are things I wish to keep in my own heart, but although there is this growing desire for marriage, I’ve never felt it was right for me to boldly claim this on my own. I still believe that God is continuing to unfold the deeper layers of my heart. As He reveals to me the beauty of being married and having a family, I still find myself, from time to time, imagining the glow of religious life and a life of single-blessedness, none of which would ever be too far fetch for God to will for any person.

Anyway, in relation to this conference, I really don’t believe that I thought that this conference was going to force me to confidently know that marriage was the vocation God was calling me to. I think, overall, my main concern was protecting the desires God had instilled in my heart. I wanted to ensure that when I chose a vocation that I was sincerely doing God’s will. I’ve always been afraid of making the mistake of jumping the gun and going with what is the traditional, societal expectation of women — you know, grow up and get married and that’s it. I’ve always dreamt about doing God’s will and only that.

Although I had my concerns about attending this conference, I’m very eager to share that I am extremely blessed that I went. Whatever concerns that I had regarding my vocation in the future, God has reminded me once again about living in the present and serving as a vessel of His love now. It’s funny but rarely anything I heard at conference was specific to marriage or any vocation. Even the workshop I attended was a panel of sharers from different vocations. This conference really helped me focus on the vocation that I’m currently called to — I am a single person called to love my family and one of the ways I can do that is by continuing to be active in this community of Couples For Christ.

For all those who attended this conference, I think the vast majority of us can agree that it was exactly what we needed. Everything we experienced was exactly what our hearts were longing to absorb. This conference was exactly where we needed to be at this specific point in our lives. Session after session, share after share, we journeyed together in seeing the sad reality that God’s plan for the family is being so attacked, sometimes to the extent that we have become incredibly desensitized to it. But God, the ultimate Physician, the Healer of every hurt that hits our families, has blessed the family with the community of Couples For Christ, whereby all or just one member of the family is a part of it.

For those of us who sat amongst the crowd, we witnessed, heard, and cried many tears alongside our brothers and sisters who courageously shared their stories. God’s goodness and providence shined through all of the tears like the sun after a heavy rain storm. And I think it’s important that I mustn’t forget that all of these men and women who shared their lives are members of this community. In their experience, they all have had the support of the household, the prayers of the community, and are given talks and teachings that are aligned with the Catechism of the Catholic Church in regards to family, life, marriage, sacraments, and service. These are just a few of the things that are a part of this community’s culture and the Holy Spirit is in all of it, spreading through it like wildfire. As a result families are being healed, changed, and transformed. Couples For Christ and all of its family ministries are blessed and I personally feel this greater call to share it.

I’ve had fears about inviting people to join the SFC CLP because I was scared that my friends would think weirdly of it because it is out of the “regular norm” to be part of a Catholic charismatic community. I was afraid that they didn’t want to be associated with so many Filipinos haha, and many other things, but all those fears are nonsense because none of them matter. What matters most is that people honour, serve, and love God with their own free will despite all the things that tempt them to say no to His call. My fears don’t amount to how God can really transform a person’s life, their families, the societies that they live in, the world. If I truly love those around me, then I shouldn’t withhold these people from encountering and experiencing Christ. Likewise, I must continue to pray for my own family to come back to this community or at least have service to God as a way of life.

And so I pray:

For myself and all of the CFC-Youth and SFCs in the True North, and all the members of the Couples For Christ family ministries, that we may all be a source of unity in our families and that we may boldly invite more people to be a part of this Spirit-led community. Amen.

Holy Family, pray for us.
St. Theresa, Blessed Louie Martin, Zelie Martin, pray for us.

Ad majorem Dei gloriam. God bless. <3

Emotions are a funny thing. There’s no way to live without them, and although you know they have purpose, sometimes you wish there was a simple on and off switch.

I’ve heard advice before to let myself feel – to feel everything, or in other words, go through the emotion in its fullest and get it out of your system. There’s something refreshing about this quote I found last month that gives another perspective on how we should ‘feel’ certain things, certain emotions. It’s similar to that saying to “take it easy”. Sometimes we (or maybe I should just speak for myself and say ‘I’) tend to let myself feel a little too deeply and let my emotions envelope me, affecting my mood, my attitude, my outlook, my actions, and my reactions. However you understand ‘lightly’ to be is subjective but I take it to mean…not to necessarily be numb, incapable of feeling, or even to feel less, but to know that our emotions should be rooted in the Lord, and that whichever way our emotions tend to sway throughout our days that we always have hope that it too shall pass. Emotions are like plenty of things in this world which all inevitably come to pass.

Feel lightly, friends.

“It’s dark because you are trying too hard. Lightly child, lightly. Learn to do everything lightly. Yes, feel lightly even though you’re feeling deeply. Just lightly let things happen and lightly cope with them. I was so preposterously serious in those days… Lightly, lightly – it’s the best advice ever given me…So throw away your baggage and go forward. There are quicksands all about you, sucking at your feet, trying to suck you down into fear and self-pity and despair. That’s why you must walk so lightly. Lightly my darling…” – Aldous Huxley, from the book Island

Hi! Long time no blog! Well, lets get this started.

I just got back from a quick solo trip out in my mission area up 10 hours North (Praise God for the blessing to fly up there) into Prince George, British Columbia.

Any who, prior to this trip, I was even asking myself, what is YOUR definition of mission? Then I’d like to think providentially, God forced His was into this stubborn heart of mine and planned this mission up North pretty last second.

You see, it wasn’t supposed to be the way it went. I was supposed to go up there with my counter part (Hope you are feeling better) and we were supposed to have it all planned out and finish our first camp training for a new set of service team!

It went opposite. I went solo, and had to complete what I could do for the camp training. The day I got there, I had an unexpected one to one with one of the couple coordinators along side my other planned one to ones. Got to our yearly planning, then camp training the next day, then back on a flight in the evening to make it in time for work the next morning!

Okay, so what Vince? That’s mission for ya.

Well, I learned a lot. A lot of what I am capable of when I fully am able to absorb the feeling of having, “a lot to do” in combination with “who/what I am doing this for”.

I didn’t think I was gonna make it. It felt like a lot…but that 1 night, 2 days taught me once again that,

“Along side the Spirit, you will never really be left alone on any mission”. 

And then I came up with an answer…ask me.

So Vince, what is mission to YOU?

Mission to me is to truly be used by God so I may be a living response of His love to others. Mission to me is living and presenting the values of our family ministry as gifts to everyone and presenting this gift back to God. Going on mission is a blessing as they are also opportunities for God to closely allow intimate growth in  our personal journey AND relationships. Mission is to recognize that it the Lord working WITH you and IN you with purpose.

 

With that said, I will continue to strive for excellency in the quality of my service, the perseverance in change, the outpouring of my desires in placement of His for others. 

Pray for me. I am struggling. I will pray for you!

Deo Gloria

“Not only that; let us exult, too, in our hardships, understanding that hardship develops perseverance, and perseverance develops a tested character, something that gives us hope, and a hope which will not let us down, because the love of God has been poured into our hearts by the Holy Spirit which has been given to us.”

Romans 5: 3-5

The definition of struggle is very subjective. It can vary from one person to the other. For me, the hardest one is the struggle from within.

I’ve been blessed with abundance in my life. However, I have had my fair share of trials as well. I have surpassed most of it because I had to. That is part of life. These trials have made me who I am today. However, the one thing that I am constantly battling is my mind. The feeling of unworthiness, of being week and unable to stand up for the Lord. The countless “I can not’s” or “others are better” or “I don’t belong”. The battle between what is worldly vs. what is Godly. The never ending back and forth with yourself to choose God every single time, all the time. These struggles are so loud and real for me every single day.

As Benjamin Parker said in spider man, ” With great power comes great responsibility”, so are our minds, given to us by God to basically direct our lives, make a difference and change the world. I guess this is why bad thoughts are often put in our heads and lies pounded on our brains. But the Lord constantly reminds us that He is with us and He is our stronghold and our shield. Let us be steadfast in His love always.