True North Missionaries Journal

How self-aware do you think you are?

The other day I was on the streetcar on my regular commute home from work and there was a woman standing carrying her newborn baby. This is your typical everyday situation that most of us run into, which comes in various forms like the elderly person crossing the street or the pregnant woman on the bus. Especially in the concrete jungle that is known as Toronto, where everyone is rushing to get from point A to point B, it’s very easy to keep your head down and mind your own business. Not to “blow my own horn”, but I couldn’t help notice that I was the only person, on this overly packed streetcar, that offered her my seat (which she kindly declined and didn’t actually end up taking by the way).

I have some qualms about the idea of “self-awareness”. I think the key is actually found in realizing that maybe we’re too self-aware these days, and in many ways and many times, to a fault. We are trained to be uber conscious of who we are, how we feel, what we are doing, where we are headed. Obtaining a certain level of awareness of one’s self is helpful, but only if we use this consciousness for the betterment of God and others, and not for the sole purpose of pursuing and pushing our own interests.

Are we training ourselves to be just as aware of the ‘other’? How many times a day do we think about our well being compared to the well being of others? The person who needs a seat, the person who needs our prayers, the person who needs an ear or a shoulder – not only to look out for those we hold dear to our hearts, but especially for those we may not even recognize we are called to be an instrument for.

It’s a funny thing that sometimes when we are overburdened with our own crosses it only takes looking at the crosses of others to realize that ours are actually lighter than we originally thought. Maybe then the key to self-awareness is being aware of how much the ‘other’ needs us to be more aware of them, rather than being more aware of ourself.

“Bear one another’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ” [Galatians 6:2]

I’ve always known myself to be fascinated by the grandeur of the cosmos and majesty of the universe. As early as elementary I remember loving to look out at the stars and imagine how far off each star is from our measly little planet. It was all just a little past time for me, something I enjoyed to do for fun, until I got to know the Lord. Now, every single time I look up at the night skies I can’t help but to see the Greatness of our God.

A simple conversion starter that I like to use is to ask people what their favourite scenery to look at is. Some people would mention that they like to look at the ocean, some would say mountains, and some would say nature. Although there are many more, I will just focus on these for the sake of keeping this post as short as possible. The reason I’m curious about something like that is  because it let’s me know two things about this person: 1) You can tell a lot about a person by knowing what scenery they find peace in seeing. 2) You can see how that person’s relationship with God is. Let me explain.

I can tell a lot about a person by knowing where they find peace. For example, if a person tells me they like to look at the ocean, I can tell that that person loves the sense of freedom, and is a calm, care free person. Or for those that loves to look at mountains, they are usually ambitious and strive to conquer the peaks of daily life. And for those that loves nature and forests, they tend to be adventurous, and loves to be out and about, experiencing new things. Now I’m not saying that every single person is like this, but this is how I see it when people tell me their favourite scenery. You may be a mixture of all of them or none of them, but nevertheless, it gives me a sense of the kind of person you are.

Secondly, just like how I can get the sense of who a person is by their favourite scenery, I can see how they view their relationship with God. An ocean lover sees God more in the peaceful and serene. The mountain lovers sees more of the greatness and power of the Lord. And a nature lover sees the playful and adventurous side of God. Once again, every person is different, and I’m not saying that this applies to every single person, but that I only use this as a starting point to get to know a person’s relationship with the Lord.

For me? I’ve always loved the grandeur and the extravagant. This translate into magnificent churches, or beauty of the universe. And I see God in all of this. As I write this I am taking in the simultaneous occurrence of the super moon and lunar eclipse. A rare sight to see. But when I stare at the immense magnitude of this celestial light show, I cannot help but hear the Lord say to me: Rocky, My son. I love you. Look at the moon and sun, how I move them for you. I will move heaven and earth to show you my love. 

As I sit and reflect on this, I cannot help but feel so loved, as if God Himself is courting me, trying to draw me to Him. You might think that it is weird for a man to allow himself to be courted, but this is how it must be. A man must let himself be courted by the Lord, in order to know the kind of love he must imitate when he goes on to court a woman. A man will never know how to show a woman the love of Christ if he does not allow himself to experience the love of our God.

The same would go for our women counterparts as well. Women, allow yourself to be courted by the Lord, so that you may know what kind of love you are to expect from a man. And once you’ve experienced it, do not settle for a love less than that. Because you deserve exactly that, the love of Christ.

Now I ask you to reflect on this: what kind of scenery do you love to behold? Where do you see God in this? Once you find that place where you see God, I urge you to allow our God work through it to court you to your hearts desire.

All the glory to God.

The message that I keep getting affirmed of, especially this past week, is to:

1. Just be honest with God
2. Ask for whatever it is that you want

God already knows the desires of our hearts. Even though we may not receive what it is that we ask for (yet), God will always give us more and He will exceed our expectations.

For any of us who seem to be waiting a “really long time” for an answer or something of the sort, God is sure to respond to the child who continues to ask Him profusely. May we all be that child and be open to hearing and seeing the gifts that God has already given us.

Thanks be to God. <3

It’s true that God wants only good things for us. At the end of the day, whether that day was good or bad, filled with struggles or joys, He ultimately always wants what is good for us. However, it’s an important distinction to make that this doesn’t mean that all good things are for us, regardless of how good they may be.

God creates good opportunities, good people, good talents, good experiences, but not all of them meant for each and every one of us. I realized that I compare myself to others a lot – a lot! I compare who I am, what I have, what they have, what i’ve done, where i’m going…and the list goes on. It’s something that I noticed about myself a long time ago, and at times it drove me to want better for myself, but at other times it still just causes me to selfishly question if God really knows what’s good for me.

It takes a constant daily reminder to remember how abundant and endless His love is, and that He really does know what I need and will provide.

“Not everything which is better in itself is better for each man in particular” – St. Philip Neri

 

This is my goddaughter, Julia Ysabelle. She went to mass this past Sunday and knelt down after the mass ended to pray for Inay (my grandmother). She prayed for God to allow Inay to be able to walk again so they can go to SM (the mall).

She also sings “Here I Am To Worship”, very loudly. Haha!

SIMPLE JOYS! She reminds me that God calls us all to have a child-like heart. One that seeks joy, instead of dwelling in sorrow. God is a joyful God, and it’s in Him that we can overcome our sorrows. Simple reminders make such great impacts on the way we see things or choose to deal with our challenges. So, praise God for this cute little soul 🙂

Earlier this year, I made the serious decision to discern for my Vocation. Yes, Vocation with a capital V. Rather than just sliding it into my long list of intentions, I decided to take active steps in my discernment. I’ve spoken to different Sisters about their love story and how they came about in giving their yes to the Lord in this way. What surprised me was how their stories varied so greatly from one another’s. There was no bright light or dream that told them definitively that they were supposed to be there (and yes, it’s very naive of me to think that He would only speak to them in that way). I’ve had one tell me that when she decided to join the Sisters of the Cross, she had only just gone back to the Church and had a boyfriend. My own spiritual director, a Salesian sister, had known since she was very young that she wanted to serve Him in this way. It amazed me how they were called despite where they were; there didn’t seem to be a trend or an age.

However, as I was sitting with one of my sisters earlier last week, it had dawned on me… Although I’m taking active steps in my discernment for consecrated life, am I really open to the vocation of marriage? Yes, I have always longed for children and a family and the very idea of raising future saints is one that easily brings a smile to my face (as I type this, I’m beaming at the very thought). But if I were truthful with myself, have I really been open to it? Am I taking the easy way out by closing this route off to well-intentioned brothers? During my one-on-one with my Couple Coordinator (my Hamilton – St. Catharines mom), she had been very blunt with me on this. “ChrisAnn, maybe you give off that vibe that you’re okay being alone, because you’re too independent to need anyone [in that capacity],” and so on and so forth…

It’s not even the fact that I’ve been hurt beyond repair and have built walls up out of distrust. I wasn’t closing myself off to love because I felt myself unworthy or fearful. I just, simply put, didn’t feel much need for romantic love. I’ve fallen so deeply in love with Him, and I took this as my cue that maybe I’m meant to spend the rest of my life just like this, me and Him.

Over Skype, I spoke to another sister about this and she asked if I had done the Novena to St. Joseph yet. I decided to start that very evening, and on the ninth and final day, I lifted it up once more and I sat there in silence during Adoration, wondering if He would respond. This is the answer I got:

I know that no matter the vocation I am called to, I am called to marry the Cross. His Cross. Uniting my cross to His as I grow in obedience, faith and love.

Whether my cross will be that of marriage, blessed singleness, or religious life… I will carry the cross of my love for Him as I walk towards Heaven.

 

I, and we, are called to love.

Yesterday, was our first day of Christian Life Program and prior CLP, we heard the 12:30pm mass at Ascension Parish. When the choir sang Lamb of God, my eyes were stuck at the image beside the lyrics, the crucified Christ with blood dropping and the chalice catching the blood. First time seeing the image, I couldn’t keep my tears from falling. I tried the best I can to control my voice and clearly say Amen upon receiving the host. I always thank the Lord. Yesterday I thanked Him for allowing me to experience His presence that way. It was so heartbreaking to see Him on the cross. I have never seen and felt so much pain looking at the cross as much as I did yesterday. That is Love. It’s just so fitting because Talk 1 is God’s Love.