True North Missionaries Journal

Two nights ago I went out for the first time with members of a public speaking club that I am part of. I’ve been a member for the last 13 months but it was the first time I attended an off-site event. It is a multicultural club of various ages, races and religious beliefs. The latter was the least amount I knew about any of the members since faith isn’t regularly discussed at our professional meetings and sessions.

When I arrived at the restaurant, I took the first available stool and the rest of the seats began to fill up. Through casual conversation, one member mentioned she was heading to Pentecostal bible study, another member sitting to my left blessed her food before eating and the married couple across shared that they met in while in university at their local church. It was a pleasant surprise to discover many of my fellow members practiced their faith in different Christian denominations, as religion isn’t a topic normally discussed outside of the community or in a professional workplace.

That evening gave me a sense of comfort and joy knowing that I had a common faith appreciation with my fellow club members. It was a further testament that we can find God anywhere, especially when least expected.

Silence can be used in various areas of our lives. It can bring us peace before we start our morning, lull us into a noon nap or soothe us after a hectic day. Sometimes it’s in silence that we hear God. When we’re surrounded by all the noise of our daily lives, it can be hard to hear His messages. Silence can be where He meets us. But what about when we use it as a weapon?

Our silence or silence from others can wound. By failing to communicate our feelings whether good or bad, we can sever our friendships and relationships with others. Even keeping our silence when you see the need to stand up for someone or even yourself can hurt.

However, silence can also be a tool of prudence. Knowing when to not speak if you know your words will not be kind to others. Another good instance is when you’re holding your tongue when others are gossiping. In any instance, silence can be a gift or a curse depending on how you apply it to your daily life.

Every single day I feel God’s personal invitation to choose Him in everything I do, invitation to learn from my mistakes, invitation to trust Him when things do not go according to how I planned it. I believe you’ll agree when I say choosing God is easier said than done. It is hard but it is possible. To learn, I have to love discipline. Discipline accompanied by prayer does not make me perfect but it allows me to recognize the presence of the Lord in my life.

(July 1, 2016)

Our YES is a commitment that forms our integrity.

What does our YES really mean? Can we be easily swayed to change into a ‘maybe’ or ‘no’? Does it carry any weight?

For those that are really discerning the sacrament of marriage, your YES means everything. You’re committing to a lifetime of renewing that YES to your future spouse.

So if your YES can become a maybe or no today, then it in fact means nothing. We need to properly discern whenever we are asked to do something, help a friend or to serve. We have to consider if we can complete the task at hand, can commit the time and necessary resources. Our YES cannot be a half effort either, or lukewarm. Our YES is a commitment that forms our integrity. Even if things become hard or overwhelming, we have to be able to stand firm and not give up. It is committing that you will put in your best effort and it through to the end. So if your YES is empty in the small things, then it will be meaningless in the bigger decisions in life.

I have been here in Malta for a month now, and the road to getting here was certainly not easy.

I had travelled alone before and I’ve always been quite comfortable doing so. In fact, my last trip alone was to South Korea, and I remember taking it as some time away just for me and Jesus. I would walk the streets, take a table for one, and it was only He and I; just us two. It was a point when I knew I would be leaving home and moving to Toronto, so I took the time away as a form of retreat. Retreat, in the sense of pulling back and reconvening with the One I answered to.

There was a moment before leaving for Malta where I was praying to Him. Preparing myself once more for a departure, and again this time for mission, but on a whole different scope. And in that moment of prayer, I saw myself sitting on a large, flat rock, looking at my phone and sighing, feeling that small tinge of loneliness, and as I sat there, I felt a hand cover my own. I looked to my side and there He was smiling warmly at me. In a way, I knew He was telling me, “You won’t be alone.”

Here in Malta, on Wednesday evenings, I’m usually on the other end of the island in a place called Xghajra (pronounced Shy-ra) for youth meetings. This was my first time commuting there, as usually I’m able to catch a ride there and back with our Missions Head, Deb and her father. This night, however, Deb was busy working on her thesis and I made the trek alone. Although it took about an hour and a half, it was relatively easy and I felt encouraged by finding my way there without a hitch. After the meeting, I agreed to grab dinner with the X-Youth leaders in hopes of getting to know them better, as I know we were still in this awkward phase of pleasantries. The dinner came a little late and I had to excuse myself early, realizing with a start, that I had missed my bus and had to run 10 minutes to another area in order to catch my next, and according to Google Maps, the last bus of the evening. Mind you, it was only nearing 10 o’clock so this was new for me.

I ran next to the sea; brisk, cold and pitch black, using my phone’s flashlight to make sure I wasn’t stepping on anything. I arrived at the small complex of buildings and with 3 minutes to spare, but I was confused as the spot I was standing was supposedly where the bus stop was, yet there was no sign of it in sight. With a panic, I picked up pace and circled to the other side of the building and made it back onto the main road. With a sigh of relief I saw the bus approaching, and although I realized I wasn’t standing at the bus stop, the bus was going at a slow enough pace and with no other cars in the vicinity, I knew it could easily stop and scoop me up. I waved and signaled to the driver that I wasn’t sure where the stop was, he looked at me and shrugged and just kept driving. I stood there at a loss, confused and feeling dejected. I walked to these large stone steps and sunk down and without even meaning to, I began to sob. I knew how simple it would have been for him to stop, how there was no one in the area – no car he would have been blocking… and I wondered if the driver knew that he would be my last bus home. It was dark, it was cold, and I looked at my phone and didn’t know what to do. Everyone just felt so far away.

And with that cold stone under my hand, this feeling of defeat, I felt a hand cover mine…

June 26, 2016

“Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Lament and mourn and weep. Let your laughter be turned into mourning and your joy into dejection. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will exalt you.” (James 4:7-10)

A lot has happened in the past few months and there is certainly much to be grateful for! Although it is still hard for me not to hear God speak or to feel God’s presence, as I move forward, I will continue to pray daily, read scripture daily, and give myself permission to see God in ordinary occurrences.

Since I “lost” the sense of hearing and feeling God in my prayers, He has heightened my sense of sight to see Him in things that give my heart delight, just as He did at Venice Beach. This might sound bizarre, but every time I walk to work through an old neighbourhood, I can’t help feel like God has placed me in a Disney movie haha.

I see the wind blow and move throughout the streets. I see many birds take flight overhead, flying from tree to tree — I even once saw a bluejay! Haha. I have also grown to have a favourite part in the neighbourhood; it is where the different species of tall deciduous trees on both sides of the road canopy over each other, almost like they are hugging one another. They are big and old, but they still sway from side to side. Things that once were so ordinary to me have come to life. The wind, the birds, and the trees have all become personified and briefly reflect the Almighty God.

In a special way, the wind reminds me of God because of its power, and because of its gentleness as it touches all living things. The birds remind me of God too because they are direct and purposeful, all the while maintaining its gracefulness. Finally the trees remind me of God because they are grand, have a timeless mystery, and are ordered in its symmetry.  This is all really cheesy, even for me haha. But I’m grateful that in this short five minute walk to work every weekday, the Lord gives me the gift of sight to experience and see Him in these things.

What does this all have to do with the desire to suffer?

I’ve learnt that whether I suffer willingly or unwillingly, God will always reveal something truthful, beautiful and good about Himself. Whatever He reveals about Himself is an amazing gift because it shows that God wants to be personal, and intimate, and wants to have a relationship with me. I am not just another person in this world, but I am someone who is incredibly loved and whom the Lord will reveal His love to in almost magical ways.

Secondly, I’ve learnt that I have a single responsibility when it comes to suffering: just go through it, but not alone. Often times I will try to ignore and avoid my suffering, sometimes even make excuses as to why I can’t deal with it right away. Instead of seeing suffering as a hindrance to my growth as a person or even as a hindrance to living comfortably, I think it’s important that I see it as a stepping stone to experiencing something great with the Lord.

Thirdly, I’ve learnt that I should be grateful for whatever trials I face. I will be honest and say that I don’t like suffering (who does?), but this ungrateful attitude towards suffering, in itself, acknowledges that I have a lot more humbling to do. And this bears much fruit because the adventure to love, serve, and honour God have not reached its climax yet. God still has more in store for me, especially if I am more open to receiving and experiencing His love.

I often hear that God knows me better than I know myself, and I still believe this is true, especially now. When I once thought that I was never going to feel God’s presence again, God made it so evident that He is still near and that He is still here to stay, but He will make himself present in a different way. I have been affirmed once again that God is always going to be with me, walking with me, running with me. It doesn’t matter what pace I go. He will always be beside me, before me, and behind me, always giving me comfort in familiar and new ways. Therefore, whom shall I fear? What shall I fear?

Overall all, I’ve learnt that suffering is a part of life; it is not a separate entity that I can just decide doesn’t exist or doesn’t have to exist. Suffering is and will always exist in this life, but like everything else, God has a plan and purpose for it. In my own experience suffering has helped me grow closer to God, has helped me develop a relationship with Our Lady of Sorrows, has helped me understand those who suffer from physical hurts and mental illness, and has reminded me that I’m in need of God’s mercy and grace. Suffering is purposeful as it helps us all see our human frailty and God’s great mercy. To think otherwise, is to be ignorant of the Gospel.

Thank You Lord for this life and all of the lessons I’ve learnt about suffering. Please open my heart to learn more about the value of suffering. Amen.

May 2, 2016

“When I suffer that is when I feel closest to Christ. How great it would be to always suffer, so that I’m always close to Him.”

After this thought came into my head, right away I thought it was weird, haha. I never saw myself brave enough to suffer willingly. And I still don’t. How can I be courageous when I’m afraid of discomfort? What kind of person wants to undergo hardship and experience loss or despair?

The desire to suffer is something I would like to work on because God knows how difficult it has been for me to surrender the little things in every day life. Thankfully I have an idea — but not yet fully understand — how someone might desire to suffer. Two women, who many perceive as modern day saints, come to mind: Blessed Mother Teresa and Mother Angelica.

For many years, Blessed Mother Teresa experienced tremendous darkness and loneliness, so much that she once asked if there was even a God. Despite her suffering, she remained steadfast in her faith and service as she continued to do the work that God called her to do. She did this obediently until her final days.

For Mother Angelica, who is known for being the foundress of EWTN, she had been sick for a long while but she wanted to remain alive for as long as she could. Mother Angelica told those close to her to tell her doctor to do whatever it takes to keep her alive. Initially we might think that she wanted to live longer because she feared death, but this wasn’t the case. Mother Angelica wanted to stay alive so that she could suffer another day for Jesus.

“I wish I could desire to always suffer for God, but I don’t think I’m even at all capable of it. How may I suffer for You, Lord?”

This thought followed the first thought.

For as long as I can remember, whenever I prayed God always spoke so loudly and clearly. Whenever I asked Him a question, He would give me a straight answer. The answers didn’t always satisfy my small human intellect, but they always drew in so much comfort and consolation.

For the past two months, I’ve struggled in my prayer life because I can no longer hear God’s sweet voice nor feel like He’s near me. While I’m in mass or adoration, I cannot feel God’s presence even though I know He is present. Perhaps this is how God has called me to suffer? To hate this misalignment between what my mind knows to be true and what my heart desires to feel.

I prayed the Divine Mercy novena and was inspired to believe that maybe Jesus is asking me to understand the souls who do not know Him, but suffer deeply with them because they long for Him. If this may be the case, let His will be done.

I have met Jesus in times of joy, trial, and victory and He has been everything I’ve needed in those situations. And it is the memory of His embrace that encourages me to continue to serve Him. Although I may not feel His presence, I do not need to worry because I know He is with me.

In some mysterious way, I have His peace because although I am experiencing a spiritual “dryness”, I find that my prayer life has become more consistent and perhaps more sincere. God has been very faithful to me in this time, not only in my prayer life, but by also giving me the grace to see Him in ways and places that I would have never thought.

In March my family and I went to Los Angeles for a trip. We were only in the city for a few days so we made sure to visit Venice Beach. The weather was not the best on that day, as it was incredibly windy. But strangely enough, that is where I saw God. He painted the sky and the ocean in a way that reminded me of one of my favourite artworks, Perseverance by Thomas Kinkade. At the time, I knew God was telling me to persevere in my darkness, and this gave me hope that I would hear and feel Him again.

The Desire to Suffer – Part 2