True North Missionaries Journal

What is your desire? Is that what you really want? Will you work for what you want? How badly do you want it? What are you willing to give up for it?

 About a month ago, fellow MV Kris Gardiner asked a very important question during a road trip to Montreal. While filling up at a sketchy gas station in the middle of nowhere, he asked Ellen, Nica and I  “Do you think that our prayers change God’s mind? Do his blessings change when we pray?“. I took his words and pondered. Hmmm. Does it? Then one of my favourite bible verses came to mind:

The Lord showed me a garden. Then I saw a younger version of myself sitting next to what seemed like a mound of dirt. My head hung over that mound and I just stood still. There was this cup of water next to me and I would pour small drops on the mound. Time seemed to pass, and mini me eventually grew up, but the mound of dirt still remained the same. Then all of a sudden, God went to a different part of that garden and planted a different seed. The girl never noticed Him doing it. She was too focused on the dirt pile, waiting endlessly that she didn’t even notice a tree starting to grow out of the ground where God planted the seed.

I was brought back to reality and suddenly everything made sense. All these years of serving Him, I understood that bible verse incorrectly. I thought that if I “collected” enough service hours God would suddenly let that seed gain life and sprout into what I wanted it to be. I thought that if I saved enough points through prayers, novenas and mass attendances, I would finally be worthy of my dream plant. “It’ll eventually grow”, I told myself unconsciously, “because God just wants to see how patient I am!”. I lived my life thinking the answer to Kris’ questions was a big resounding YES.

When in fact….

Delighting ourselves in the Lord means uniting our hearts with His. So much that His desires become our own. Prayers don’t change God’s mind and the blessings he gives us. He doesn’t withhold anything from us because He is a God that loves us unconditionally! What does change is our posture towards that which we seek. Ultimately, if we are completely filled with Christ, then our only desire becomes Christ.

Now I realize why the seed I planted didn’t grow. Looming and standing over it blocked the sunlight, or in this case God’s light. I had to walk away and let go so that it would receive what it needed. Now I stand under the shade of the tree which grew from the seed that the Lord planted in that same garden. A tree full of life, bears good fruit. How fortunate that the Lord would have me stand so close to it to enjoy such blessings.

Once again, I am affirmed of my call to mission- to harvest that which the Lord has scattered and sown! He tells us that “the harvest is plentiful, but the laborers are few” (Luke 10:2) and how convenient for me to come across this just recently:

From the Greek word “therizein” which translates to “harvester”. God really knows how to silence the doubts in my heart. Lord, thank you for LITERALLY calling me by name. May I learn to align my desires with yours and may my heart beat for that which your most Sacred Heart lives for. Amen.

“From there you will seek the LORD your God, and you will find Him
if you seek Him with all your heart and with all your soul.”
(Deuteronomy 4:29)

when i find myself in times of trouble, Mother Mary comes to me, speaking words of wisdom, “Let it be.”

O Divine Master,
Grant that I may not so much seek
To be consoled as to console;
To be understood, as to understand;
To be loved, as to love;
For it is in giving that we receive, 
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
And it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.
Amen.

I had a recent conversation with a close friend and we talked about the importance of seeking to understand before seeking to be understood. I found a lot of merit in that and I was quickly reminded of The Prayer of St. Francis. So I started to sing the song in my head and came to the part where it says “for it is in giving that we receive”.

God is a giver. He is a generous God and pours Himself out for love of us. This is very clear when He gave us His only Son to die for our sins. Our God continues to give, time and time again, through graces, gifts and blessings alike. As a recipient of these, I catch myself with a mindset of expecting them or rejecting them. I do this by having the attitude of receiving something as a result of doing good or by holding onto things that restrict me from receiving God. However, I know I’m called to give selflessly for love of God and others, and not because I want something in return.

I think giving selflessly with a humble heart is agape love. And I feel St. Francis is telling me that when I love others with an agape love, I can receive more fully the graces, gifts and blessings that the Lord is always giving me. I can appreciate and accept them more because I have absolutely nothing in me. And when I’m empty, the Lord can fill me with only Him and that is what ultimately fulfills and satisfies my heart.

 

(The imagery used may be a little graphic)

The HOLD conference was recently held in Ottawa and I had the privilege of serving as part of the production team.

We had mass every day and during the second day, after having received the Eucharist, I kneeled and began to pray… As I had my eyes closed, I saw an arm laid flat against a wooden plank, and so vividly I watched a large nail get hammered into it and the hand clench tightly, in pain. I watched as blood, dark and fresh, trickled down from the wrist and onto the wood behind it, then into a chalice that waited at the edge of the plank.

This image shook me and with my hands pressed together, I curled forward and began to cry; seeing the great amount of pain experienced by Our Lord.

Then suddenly I felt a hand on my shoulder and Ellen calling me, “ChrisAnn? ChrisAnn? Is your headset on?” I looked up at her and instantly a look of concern flashed across her face as she saw how upset I appeared. I stood up and quickly cleared by throat and checked that in fact, my headset was on, but I heard nothing as I was kneeling and only then did Ate Candy’s voice come through. “ChrisAnn, can you hear me? Please keep your headset on at all times.” And I couldn’t explain how my headset was already on, but I somehow was unable to hear anything or anyone. I simply apologized and continued on, but my heart, although a few moments before was in pain, felt nothing but an overflowing of love.

Oh Lord, how You love us.

I’m going to keep this super short and sweet.

This weekend I was able to spend the weekend with the SV’s serving one of my mission areas (HSB), and boy…God once again, timed His evident presence oh so perfectly.

Being in the community for quite some time now, I would have never thought of serving HSB…and here I was, at their SV training weekend, with literally no expectations.

Fast forward to right now, something I just appreciate more is,

the responsibility we have for the innocence of our youth.

So much joy, so much compassion, I was really caught off guard to the kind of friendships those who served HSB had…but I saw nothing but togetherness. Praise God.

There is a longing to be with our Lord in the youth we serve with and serve today. Let’s continue with that.

Desiderio Domini