“Jesus saw her weeping and he saw how the people with her were weeping also; his heart was touched, and he was deeply moved.”- John 11:33

Taken from today’s gospel John 11:1-45 (The Death of Lazarus)

What strikes me most in today’s gospel is Jesus crying. Jesus cries? What an odd thing to see/hear/read in the bible.

When we picture Jesus we picture him composed, controlled and collected. There are only so many times in the bible where Jesus criesㅡ agony in the garden, his crucifixion, etc. When we read the gospel at the sisters’ Area Core household, I imagined myself in that scene in the bible carrying a small glass vial, hoping to catch Jesus’ tears.

Jesus must have really loved Martha and Mary to have been affected by Lazarus’ death. Wasn’t he just a RANDOM?

Hmm…

There are days where I feel like I’m going into a desert. In fact I’m smack dab in the middle of one right now. I’m dazed and confused, and to be honest I don’t really understand what’s happening.

Part of me is frittering away. Part of me is dead. Part of me is in mourning.

I am Mary. I am Martha. I am Lazarus.

Jesus weeps with me. Jesus weeps for me. Jesus cares about my loss. Jesus cares about how much has to be lost. Jesus’ love for me cannot be contained. Not even by tears.

——————

But He said:

“This illness does not lead to death; rather it is for God’s glory, so that the Son of God may be glorified through it.” (John 11:4)

I know that the parts of me that have died, the parts of me that are still dying have to happen. It is part of my pruning process.  My mortification will bring me closer to Christ. I am being refined and purified to be the best version of myself, the one who lives because of He who loves me most.

So despite the worries, the woes and the wanderings in my life,  I am STILL called to believe even if it is in the seemingly impossible. I am STILL called to wait on His arrival even if my impatience whispers that He has abandoned me. I am STILL called to trust in His plan even when I feel like taking control and making my own.

Because despite how I feel, God is STILL so good. God is STILL here. God is STILL God. 

I will only learn to appreciate His salvation story if it stops being a concept and starts being part of the context of my life. This is God making Lent more real for me.

Life in death. Life through death. Life because of death. Amen.

 “Lord, either let me suffer or let me die.”
– St. Teresa of Avila

Help me to remember what is really important:
that I am Your child
You are my Father
You love me for who I am and how I live
not what I look like or what I own.
Let me praise You Who sees into my heart,
Who is always with me
and Who eases my suffering.

– St. Rose of Lima, pray for us.

One of the Books I am currently reading is Our Daily Bread that was given to me last week at SFC CLP. The reading from yesterday really hit me hard since I have been on the ball with Confession and Mass this week.

Here is the teaching in the book for April 4th.

When I helped our daughters learn to drive, I included a little instruction on basic auto maintenance. We visited a local service station where they learned to check the oil every time they put fuel in the car. Today, years later, they often remind me of my six-word slogan, “Oil is cheap; engines are expensive.” Adding a quart of oil is nothing compared to replacing a engine.

Maintenance is also important in our spiritual lives. Taking time each day to read the Bible, pray, and to God is a key element in avoiding a breakdown. In Psalm 5, David wrote, “My voice You shall hear in the morning, O LORD; in the morning i will direct it to you.” In the rolling verses he poured out his heart in praise, thanksgiving, and request to God.

Many People find it essential to begin every day with the Lord. Before checking email, catching the news, or eating breakfast, they find some quiet moments alone to read a portion of God’s Word, praise Him for His greatness, thank Him For his Love, and seek His guidance. Others spend time reading and praying at different times of the day.

It’s not magic– it’s maintenance, as we ask the Lord each day to fill out hearts with His presence on the road of life. (David McCasland)

Give me a strong desire, O LORD, to look into Your Word each day. Help me hide it in my heart so that I might not stray from Your truth. Feed Me and teach me about Yourself and Your will for me.

 

I would say this falls into my week at the right time. With affirmation each day from someone or from God. This really shows that we need to Check The Oil aka “Spiritual Maintenance” everyday! With me going to confession 2 times this week and able to goto on Monday and Friday and,  able to goto adoration on Wednesday. I truly understand what David was talking about maintaining pray life and for me adding in the sacraments.

Thank You Lord for showing me how to maintain my connection to You and really loving the state of my Heart right now!

As the canonizations of Pope John XXII and Pope John Paul II approach, I find myself recently reminded of their lives – specifically Pope John Paul II. He always pushed himself to give to the people among many other popes, but what tugs on my heartstrings is when he continued to do so even when he became really sick. He could hardly physically move and he could hardy talk, but he still loved His people beyond his own capabilities.

With many critics lashing out about his so-called ‘incapability,’ they started saying things like, “He is no longer pope,” just because he couldn’t physically do anything. But in fact, I believe that this is when he shined even more! In the words of St. Francis Assisi…

“Preach the gospel. If necessary, use words.”

And this is what he did. He continued to preach through his actions. In the efforts he made to reach out to us, appearing before us (even in the state of illness), he showed us the greatness of his love for God and His people. He never stopped praying. He never stopped preaching.

The language of the world is love so in his silence, the world felt love, and in this language, even reaching out to those outside the Church, he made God’s love universal.

Silence is golden.

This is one of the great examples we can follow in our journey. When we feel ill or weak, PUSH ONWARDS! GO ABOVE & BEYOND because it’s worth it to love!

Like Pope John Paul II, we can bring forth a “GOLDEN TREASURE” in the silence of our words through the voices of our actions. With God, we are never limited.

Upon careful assessment of myself during last year’s Advent, I have finally come to accept a fact that I avoided coming to terms with; I lack discipline. The classic pride in me kept making a lot of excuses as to why I was not progressing in getting over my bad habits. The classic lazy in me kept giving up whenever I’d realize how far I am from what I want to be. A couple of bad habits that I have, which may not seem like a big deal (I’m saying this because it didn’t seem like a big deal to me before), was my inconsistency in eating and my lack of water intake.

I am not a health guru nor do I aspire to be. I have just come to realize that my physical legitimate needs were not being met. In Matthew Kelly’s 7 Levels of Intimacy, he briefly touched upon the 4 legitimate needs we have in this life. He mentioned that legitimate needs are given to us by God as “clues to happiness, clues to thriving” and when they are achieved, we feel better about ourselves and our lives. I want to do a lot of things while I am in this world. Even though God made me for the sole purpose of being with Him in Heaven, He put me here so that I may show Him, although imperfect as I am, that I will strive to live to glorify Him with all that He’s given me.

My love for the mission will be hard to put into action if I am physically incapable. Service in the community requires a lot and it has taken its toll on me in the past. When I am swamped with tasks, I do forget to eat sometimes. It has become such a bad habit that even when I’m not busy, I still forget to eat (sleep, social media, text people > food). Because of this, I knew that I had to do something. So now, with the grace of God, I’ve been eating and drinking water regularly.

But I still struggle with consistency. One day, my  meal alarm went off and I thought to myself, “I am not starving. I’ll eat later.” And immediately I realized why I fail in my efforts to discipline myself; I only do things when it reaches its point of extreme necessity. I tend to put things off because they seem unnecessary at the moment. Just because my stomach isn’t grumbling, doesn’t mean I shouldn’t eat. Just because my throat isn’t dry from thirst, doesn’t mean I shouldn’t drink. And on to deeper things. Just because a sister of mine in Christ doesn’t seem to need my help, doesn’t mean I shouldn’t initiate on catching up with her. And just because I’m not struggling, doesn’t mean I shouldn’t strive to pray more.

Lord, help me in my hopes to be excellent for You. Root my desires, resolutions, and aspirations only in You. Mother Mary, let me look upon the virtues you so greatly possess. I ask that you grant me the grace to imitate them. Amen.

There exists an emo band called Dashboard Confessional, who’s name is derived from an idea found in an early song of theirs titled “Sharp Hint of New Tears”, in which the lead vocalist opens the song with the line, “on the way home, this car hears my confessions.”

I listened to this band a lot as a teenager, alone in my room, music blasting through my headphones, which I think was pretty normal and appropriate for my age at the time. But I honestly never expected the figurative idea of a dashboard confessional to be capable of revealing things in me that have become true and relevant with age.

– –

I’m not quite sure how this happened, but when I look back at intimate one one one moments I’ve shared with loved ones, a lot of the times it was while we were on the road or just parked in a car. I’ve broken down emotionally with my old counterparts, argued with my significant other, shared secrets and prayer requests with good friends, all of which has led me to the realization that when I’m experiencing extreme vulnerability, good or bad, I’m hard for me to look at people eye to eye. I guess sometimes we don’t want to face who we are, much less face who we are in the eyes of others.

Sitting side by side in the front seat of a car has allowed me the benefit of bearing who I am without the fear of judgemental stares, but I’ll admit that it’s kind of been a cop-out. Am I really being held accountable to the person next to me? Or am I simply using them as an object to express my victories, failures and desires?

I don’t regret the way I’ve shared myself with others in the past, but I feel that the Lord is asking me to share myself with my loved ones in an even more intimate way. Every car ride and every conversation has been a step that has led me to this place. My life isn’t just for me, I’ve been placed delicately in the hands of those around me, it’s time that I take that to heart.

I’ll still value my dashboard confessionals, but if only I re-tool, staring down the road ahead, meeting the Lord eye to eye, on my way home.

– Jesse R.
“I Am, and We are Missionaries.”