True North Missionaries Journal

About a year and a half ago, a brother was doing a closing worship and he shared about how he was into this harsh lifestyle of constant partying, getting into trouble, exposing himself into such a negative environment but he managed to turn away from it because he found happiness with The Lord, and that His plans was more than what he could offer himself. He shared that he found it in himself to leave that behind and continue serving The Lord because it was more gratifying than partying, premarital sex, drinking…

I just remembered looking at him and then picturing myself up there, but I couldn’t. I told myself “I pray that one day I can be as strong as him and stop myself from doing all of this. The partying, excessive drinking, getting into trouble, sour attitude. Can I be that person that yearns for The Lord?”

That lifestyle was like a drug, it’s like I needed it in order to achieve happiness. The superficial smile on my face would disappear within hours, then I would feel guilt, remorse, regret and shame. Then that cycle would just repeat itself through every event.

Every day is a new struggle.. But at the same time because I started getting busy with school and service, I found myself distracted from those temptations, and they somehow became tolerable but enjoyable (serving in Kids for Christ, children are far too adorable to not be amusing!). I tell myself that I want this happiness; genuine, long-lasting happiness and that in order for me to achieve this optimistic attitude is to adjust my lifestyle.

The Lord has always been by my side but during these moments it’s like I pushed Him far to the side to make room for the devil. This is where I had to retract that invitation so I can finally let The Lord in.

Psalms 37:4 – Delight yourself also in the Lord: and He shall give you the desires of your heart.

Reflecting back to that share the brother had opened up to the entire community inspired me so much. It’s made me realize that it isn’t impossible and change is inevitable. Change will happen once you put your heart and mind to it. Just when I thought I would never be that person I saw on stage, I look at myself now and realize that I’m one step closer to becoming closer to Christ. Just by opening the idea of changing has already made me a stronger person.

It’s a constant battle of temptation and I admit, I have fallen into them, sometimes I am lured so deep to the point where I’m pretty much the same person I was in the beginning. But because The Lord is so powerful and so determined to work through us, He never gave up. I am still here! His persistence and hard work into continuously breaking me and moulding me is what has truly inspired me to alter my livelihood for the sake of Him and His purpose for my life.

The happiness I gain from Him through serving this community, serving my family and living my life away from the negatives is what’s giving me that joy and contentment in my heart, that smile that will last more than through the night. His love for me will never fail to remind me of that.

AMDG.

My favourite mass of the whole year is the Easter Vigil Mass. It’s a beautiful evening and truly fit for the most glorious resurrection of our King Jesus. The lighting of candles, the story of our salvation read during the liturgy, the Psalms…everything about this mass is absolutely beautiful.  I couldn’t help myself from smiling during the readings and through the Eucharistic liturgy because I kept hearing a whisper in my heart….it was like the Lord repeatedly said “I love you” in all of the readings.

Last Saturday, our Auxiliary Bishop, John Boissoneau, celebrated mass with us. Not only this, there were 6 individuals baptized and 2 additional souls confirmed into our Parish family at St. Charles Borromeo! The whole mass was 3 hours long, but I spent those 3 hours in anticipation, joy, and awe of God’s beauty and glory.

It is such a blessing to witness re-birth. The true joy I feel whenever someone chooses a life with God can never be taken away from me.  Baptisms always remind that the joy I feel when another person chooses a life with Christ, is just a fraction of what God feels for me when I choose Him.

Tomorrow, I will have the blessing of witnessing and serving at the pray-over session of a mission SFC CLP in Durham.  The mission always reminds me that not everyone sees things the way that I do. Satan has twisted how many people view Jesus, the Church, the gifts of Joy and Love. The misconceptions and lies about God and His love for us runs deep in our society.

The reality is that there is a great need for Love in the world. The Good news is that Love Himself is greater than our most urgent needs.

So, I’ll carry this God given joy with me as I go about my life in Truth. Even if I struggle to do so, my tiny hope is that this joy will be enough of a light to infect other hearts.

A.M.D.G.

 

“Then He opened their minds to understand the Scriptures.” (Luke 24: 45)

This line hit me yesterday from the Gospel.  As someone who overthinks a lot (#understatement), I have my “thinking spells” where I just sit for some time and just “think”: about the day, people, life circumstances.  There are times I have come out of some, and oddly somehow, actually felt more Confused rather  than gaining Clarity…which is the purpose of thinking in the first place! What’s worst is somewhere down the line, and unconsciously sometimes, my heart  then starts to get frazzled #metaphor.  An oversupply of thoughts “does travel downwards”, and if it’s negatives on the day, people, life circumstances…my heart sure feels heavy.

Lesson learned: What starts out as a Head problem can eventually become a Heart problem-if we’re not careful.   No wonder the prayer “take all my will, my mind, my memory.”

Only God can lead us to true Understanding. Only God can lead us to true Peace.  Our own vision of and efforts towards people, places and circumstances will always fall short of the ones the Father holds.  No human wisdom can replace His. No human “no-how” can outsmart God.   It is only His action in our lives that will make us holy, and empower us to to serve and love others selflessly.

 

Ever since I was young, I’ve always struggled with vulnerability. I took it to mean that revealing or opening yourself up was a bad thing because it made me susceptible to being teased and hurt. Showing one’s faults and flaws also made me feel like I’m disappointing those who were relying on and looking up to me. I found it hard to let people take care of me because I felt like doing so was a sign of weakness.

To ensure that I did not show vulnerability, I guarded myself. I placed walls, doors, and gates and only let a select few in. When I did let people in, they were kept at a secure distance. Once I felt like they were getting too close and were encroaching on the boundaries I set, I either pushed them away or I took a step back. Not to say that I did not trust my closest friends but it took a lot for me to be able to reveal or show the real me. The fewer who knew, the better and I thought this kind of set up worked the best because it eliminated the risk of getting hurt. I liked the feeling of security it gave me because I was always in control of the situation since no one could use anything against me. Why be vulnerable and show weakness when I could be strong? Why end the facade that everything was going well, and fine, and dandy? To do so would elicit concern from friends and they would require that I talk about feelings so they can make sure I’m okay. I thought that by hiding and closing everyone most people off, I was doing a great service to myself. But now I realize, putting up those walls, doors, and gates is actually a disservice because it’s isolating me from those who could support me when I crumble from within; thus, breaking me even more.

It took a while but being in the CFC-Youth community has made me realize that struggling with something is normal and is not something to be ashamed of because to acknowledge the trials I’m going through denotes honesty with myself and with God. More often than not, admitting my fears or that I need help is met with appreciation (how often have you heard people say, “thank you for sharing that”?) as well as the promise of prayers to help me overcome. Opening yourself up by way of being pastored is actually quite alright and is not so bad because it allows people to take care of you. In the same way, being able to pastor the members God has entrusted me with by sharing with them some of my lowest points has made me more approachable and real in their eyes. Stumbling and falling does not automatically equate to being weak. On the contrary, it shows just how strong or courageous one can be because it takes a lot of nerve to be able to admit one’s faults, failings, and flaws. These walls, doors, and gates are slowly being teared down and I have the love and acceptance that I found in the community to thank for that. (:

*This week’s Twitter promo for TNC is, “How has Lord blessed you in SFC / CFC-Youth?”I had to blog because how could I possibly fit all that in 160 characters? =P

Have a listen.

 

“I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.” Radiohead. “Creep.” Pablo Honey. Parlophone Records Ltd, 1993.

I am not a good man. I want to have control.

Who I am is unarguably just a result of circumstance and consequence. Some might be so inclined as to attribute every action and reaction to a divine plan of sorts, and while I do align with that camp for the most part, there are just some days where I’m simply in love with the idea of life in un-compromised chaos.

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I want a perfect body.

Call it conditioning… call it brainwashing… call it whatever you want, the reality is that I have desires. When I say that I want a perfect body, I’m of course speaking in the figurative sense in relation to my worldly existence. Should I be concerned that my mind has been exposed to and poisoned by the — for lack of a more appropriate word — “secular” world in my 26 years of life? Is who I am as a person something to be ashamed of? Or rather, should my thoughts, my actions and everything in-between be applauded solely for the fact that it has led me to the pursuit of desire, that to which may occasionally miss the mark? Should that matter?

As much as it pains me to say, I am not a naturally compassionate person. In any given situation I find myself internally fighting my natural inclination, which is more often than not what most of us in the community would consider “bad” behaviour. And so, I am a bad man, fighting his nature. So what am i doing here? I don’t belong.

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I want a perfect soul. It’s what I choose to strive for.

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God is un-compromised chaos, and He’s in control.

Jesse R.
“I Am, and We are Missionaries”