True North Missionaries Journal

During a 1on1 with a brother yesterday we talked about how everyone who blogs here must look like while they’re typing. Some we said looked really intense while constantly deleting and revising because he/she must be very particular with words. Others we imagined just typing away not revising much and just allowing the words to pour from their heart. And others taking a really long time to even come up with one sentence then getting back to it later on in the day. We had a good laugh about it and it made us appreciate our brothers and sisters even more. It’s really an affirmation how the Holy Spirit speaks to everyone differently and expresses love for God ever so uniquely. Praise God for that. Praise God for the love story He’s writing through each of us. Though we have a multitude of writing styles, we all have the same Author who moves and inspires our hearts to share His.

As for me, I’m the type that doesn’t delete much, but I read my blog over once it’s done and make quick edits as I go.

To all my fellow bloggers, I pray that you may continue to draw near to the Lord with your reflections, and may we always give all the glory to God in our hearts.

We strongly cultivate the “M.R.” mentality in this community. To love God means to be mission ready. To love God means to willingly and consciously carry the roles and responsibilities entrusted to us. When we serve, we allow those around us to grow and share in our relationship with Christ.

I’m a YES (wo)MAN. I’ve been saying Yes to anything and everything given to me ever since I came back in 2012. If I ever declined anything, it was on the premise that I had already committed to something else- a different event, a different ministry, etc. I strongly believed in my heart that God called me to do these things because He wanted to reveal His plans for me. Service strengthened my faith in Him, affirmed his calling for me, and always reminded me of how He has so much in store for me in the future.

When we say ‘Yes’ to God, we are saying ‘No’ to other things.

My biggest revelation in the past 24hrs is this- saying No to service (in the community) does not necessarily mean saying No to God.

We know that things are of God when every single cell of our body flourishes- thrives. Everything that is of God brings life to us and to those around us. This is not to say that when something challenges us and we feel stressed that we should just drop it and walk away. Challenges are part of service and being challenged means that there’s still so much that God is working in us.

However, our service in the community should not come at the expense of our relationship with Christ. I have so many things that I’ve willingly placed on my plate that my prayer time is suffering. There is so little peace and joy in my heart because of the burden and pressure I feel in making deadlines and delivering everything with excellence.

God should be my BAE- my ultimate Before Anyone Else

…even if that anyone= community

I cannot give something I don’t have, and if God is not in my heart while I serve then I am doing a disservice to myself and to the recipients of my service. If love is NOT abundant in my heart, then my works are empty. Love is the greatest enabler; it empowers, revitalizes,  rejuvenates, restores and heals.

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God is central to my service, but service is NOT my god.

I am His daughter before I am a household head. I am His daughter before I am a Sector Head. I am His daughter before I am a Mission Volunteer. Yes, I am all these things at once, but if these titles withhold me back from acknowledging that God is #1 in my life  then I have major emotional/mental/spiritual spring cleaning to do.

He desires my attention more than my works. 

I need to love God above all else. He should be the biggest tenant in my heart. He is the one I answer to first and foremost.

Lord, allow me to be sensitive to Your Spirit and its leading. Please remind me when I need reminding, correct me when I need correcting, and redirection when I need redirecting. I desire you above all else, and love you above all else. Continue to move within me so that I can truly behold your majesty and ponder these things in my heart just as your Mother did.
“Behold, I am the servant of the Lord; let it be to me according to your word.”

“Pray for us, for we are sure that we have a good conscience, desiring to conduct ourselves honorably in all things.“-Hebrews  13:18

I’ve been heavily heavily reflecting on my own in the past few weeks, only to find out about myself that there are things in my life where I don’t want to face the reality of…and it hit me big time this weekend.

Let’s start with this. For those that didn’t know, I serve as a chapter head along side of being a Mission Volunteer, and for our monthly Chapter Assembly, we coincidentally did the Emmaus Walk (this weeks gospel). I immediately reflected as I finished giving my talk as I again, went for a long walk mentally deep into the night…I was not happy about myself..

Then mass came on the Sunday. I was having anxiety, just feeling nervous and doubtful you could even say about some particular things (if you really wanna know, schedule a one on one or msg me) and honestly, I remember just having a thought in my head of why Christ was letting these things linger in my mind? Then I took communion.

Boom.

I immediately was reminded just like in the story of the Emmaus walk, that Jesus is and was always present. I was immediately just rushed with a sense of peace and upon more reflection, here is what I can say for those that have trouble in facing certain realities…

Christ loves you. There is a plan for each situation/struggle/victory that is currently happening, has happened, and will happen. Its hard to grasp the reality, but grasp the hand that the Lord has extended to you for all Your life.

Know the Creator. He holds our future. How well do you know the Lord?

Yeah, that’s pretty much it. Pray for me. I’ll pray for you. God is greater!

Lord, allow me to come face to face with Your plans. Though I do not know what they hold, allow me to have the posture of surrender to You, in order to fulfill Your desires for me. Though I am uncomfortable, vulnerable and broken in some parts of Your plans, may I look to You and lift up to you my earnest petitions and desires. Empty me, only to filled and emptied again. Amen.

Deo Gloria

Last Saturday, I attended SFC GTA’s precon. The theme was Desire, taken from Mark 10:51, “What do you want me to do for you?”

I honestly came to this event without expectations. I wasn’t participating in competitions and, for the first time in forever, I wasn’t serving. I spent the day on the sidelines, observing others, and hanging out with the CFC Youth who were helping with the event or were visiting.

The phrase I heard throughout the day was “What do you desire?”

I’m in a place where I know what I want. I have three prominent desires that I am constantly praying for and asking God for. In my mind and human understanding, it seems like I have to choose between them. According to what I think is possible, choosing one would make the other two desires too difficult to pursue. However, it also seems like choosing only one would be the wrong thing to do.

After experiencing SFC precon, my question for God turned from “What do you want me to do?” to “Lord, is this possible?”

The combination of all my desires seem impossible. It feels like I’m asking too much from God. On my worst days I find myself limiting God’s love for me by thinking, “I don’t deserve to have all of my dreams to be given to me. I’ve made too many mistakes to deserve it all.” When I’m going through one of those days, I immediately chastise myself for thinking that God’s love for me is conditional. I know better than that and I have so many experiences to prove how unconditionally God loves me.

However, on my best days I am still just like Doubting Thomas from last Sunday’s Gospel reading. Even though Thomas had witnessed Jesus’ miracles, listened to all of His words, broke bread and lived with Jesus, he still doubted when he was told that Christ had risen. My parish priest, Father Mario, explained in his homily, that Thomas’ fear, hurt, and grief for Jesus’ death kept him from hoping and believing in Jesus’ resurrection.

Upon hearing this, I realized that despite how much healing I have experienced over the last 3 years, there are still parts of me that are broken. I didn’t see it, but the hurts I’ve experienced from the past still echoes into my present life and is the reason why I constantly ask God “Is it possible?”

Just like how Thomas needed to physically touch Jesus’ wounds to believe, I also physically need Jesus to be present in my life to believe that anything is possible with God.

It’s funny how God works. January of last year, I had a deep desire to bring Jesus to others. As a result, I approached my parish priest to become a Eucharistic Minister last summer, just before the Eastern True North Conference. I felt so much joy in being able to physically bring Jesus to the youth at Conference last year. Now, after 10 months of being a Eucharistic Minister,  I realize that not only did God want me to see the great need of others for Jesus, but He wanted me to see my own great need for Jesus in my life.

So, here I am – the MV with little faith.  As much as I still struggle to believe that my desires will be fulfilled in the Lord, I know that my little faith is enough for God to work with. I am not a perfect Catholic, let alone a perfect MV, but if God can cause a tiny mustard seed to grow into a tree, than I am not a lost cause.

Lord, thank You for allowing me to see myself with more clarity. Please, grant me the courage to believe in You when the hurt and brokenness from my past tells me to stop hoping in You. Jesus, I believe. Help my disbelief.

A.M.D.G.

I portray this sarcastic personality around people because it’s very difficult for me to let my walls down, to trust and show vulnerability. Going through many unfortunate situations, especially at such a young age it just became easier for me to build this fence around me rather than to show my emotions. I felt like it was just a cycle, that if I let my guards down, I would get emotionally attacked.

The support of this community has told me otherwise. Yes, I’ve been in this community for almost my entire life – but it’s only been about three years since I’ve been continuously active and engaged in the community. Being a part of CFC-Y has taught me that whatever struggle I was going through, I wasn’t alone. That someone else might have gone through something similar, or possibly even worse. After every obstacle I happen to go through, I build this wall around my heart that will occasionally get thicker every time I feel hurt and pain. This caused me to be cold, unsympathetic of others towards me to the point where I no longer felt the pain but numbness. My heart was numb and so was my yearning for Christ, causing spiritual dryness.

I realized that the longer I’ve stayed in the community, the bigger the challenge of you stepping out of your bubble. The people in this community don’t notice how each and everyone can be such an amazing blessing – their stories and shares just became a sudden realization and also encouragement.

What has inspired me is that people have shared that in order to start the process of healing was that they continued to let their guards down, accept the pain and be broken so the Lord can enter their hearts, and heal them Himself.

Heal my heart and make it clean,
Open up my heart to the things unseen,
Show me how to love like you, have loved me.

Surely enough this community has time and time challenged me to step out of my comfort zone. Expose my vulnerability for all to see. And because my love for Christ has continued to immensely grow, I’ve learned to open my heart and tell myself that weakness is a sign on strength. That accepting Him to be above and beyond our problems is fluctuated against the numbness of my heart. Open the eyes of my heart Lord. To see You high and lifted up, shining in the light of your glory. Open up Your power and love, to see You. Open up the eyes of my heart, I want to see you. The power of sharing your story can manifest so much of Christ’s love and plans. It’s taught me that opening up to others can help strengthen other’s who are also afraid to profess their story. But He wants us to share, to proclaim His good name and show us what He’s capable of doing, because He is our Saviour.

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. – Psalm 73:26