True North Missionaries Journal

I used to be a daddy’s girl. Or I guess, I still am, when I want to be at least. Growing up in my adolescent years, I have always been protected and taken care of very well by my dad. My dad is overly-protective, reserved, and can be very scary, especially when he gets angry. What dad doesn’t right? He is the type of dad that would call every hour asking where I was and what time I would be home. He is the type of dad that would not sleep at night until I had gotten home. Looking back at all of those years, I can clearly see that he loved me and cared for me. But why was it that, I could not see it at that time?

Although I claim myself to be a daddy’s girl, my relationship with my dad has never really been an open one. You see, my dad has bipolar disorder. And his mood swings tend to change all the time. He could be very joyful at some point and then very sad or angry the next. Because of his illness, I could never really joke around with him. I was afraid and very cautious of how I approached him. Especially, the times where I would ask permission to go somewhere. I would always try to catch him when he was in a good mood.

He actually was not diagnosed until late 2011 to early 2012. But because of knowing my dad’s attitude from an early age, my brothers and I just knew we had to keep in mind what we said and what we did when we were around him. And at some point, while growing up, I eventually started rebelling. Sometimes I would leave the house without telling him. And at other times, I would not ask for permission but rather, just tell him where I was going.

We have never really had any heart to hearts. And we have never actually prayed together. Sure we have said, I love you to each other but, that was when I was very young. The closest we have ever gotten to saying I love you now a days is through text. Never face to face or even on the phone. I have never really been the type to be open to him and vice versa. So in truth, we’re not close at all.

Not living with my dad has been very difficult. Not having a father figure in the house has definitely caused me to think twice about everything I do. From how I am to help raise my younger brothers to, how I am with my spending. Knowing that, there is no other adult in the house that can take care of us and help provide for us. Every family has issues right? My family issues just happened to get worse throughout the years and eventually, the only thing left to do was for my parents to separate.

So, as you can see. My relationship with my dad already seems hopeless enough, seeing is that, we live away from each other. It would take a miracle for our relationship to grow. Well actually, the Lord is really all that is needed. And maybe prayers here and there. Please pray for my family and I :).

During the Western MV shout, we were reflecting during one of the sessions which so happened to be about family. And basically, we had this activity and called our family afterwards. Praise God because, fortunately enough, my dad woke up from his nap and picked up the phone. Usually I would need to call him several times before he actually picks up. And most of the time, he just doesn’t pick up at all. Having gone to ICON and having not seen and talk to him for weeks, and maybe even a month now, I realized I had missed him a lot. I was so thankful that I was finally able to talk to him. With our greetings and checking up on each other, our conversation lasted for two mins. And in the end, he said happy birthday and I love you. This was the first time in a long time where, I actually felt the sincerity in his voice. I was brought to tears and became very overwhelmed.

Because of my stubborn and rebellious ways, I was not able to see clearly just how much my dad had loved me. The Lord revealed to me that, even with my stubborn and rebellious ways, my dad still loves me. And regardless of the issues in my family and the distance apart from each other, my dad will continue to love me no matter what. His love for me is constant just as the Father’s love for me is constant. Never faltering and never fading.

Lord, increase my capacity to love so that I may forgive with a gracious and accepting heart.
Mama Mary, intercede for me. Purify my hearts every desire so that they may be aligned with the Father’s will. By uniting myself with your most Immaculate heart, may I love more deeply like your Son.

Immaculate Heart of Mary, pray for us.
Most Sacred Heart of Jesus, have mercy on us.

I was reading an article published on EWTN about Pope Francis’ message for June 1 2014.  Pope Francis expresses that our Lord is close to all and every mankind.

“Pope Francis explained that even though Jesus ascended to “the heights of Heaven to show us that the goal of our journey is the Father,” he “remains present and working in the events of human history with the power and the gifts of his Spirit.”

“Jesus is close to each one of us – even if we don’t see him with our eyes, He is here!”

The “risen Jesus is close to Christians who are persecuted and discriminated against; he is close to every man and woman who suffers. He is close to all of us. Even today he is here with us in the square. The Lord is with us. Do you believe this?” he queried the crowds.”

“It is not through human efforts that the Church can fulfill her mission, however. “Alone, without Jesus, we cannot do anything!” underscored the Pope. “In apostolic activity our strength, our resources, our structures, are not enough, even though they are necessary.”

“Without the presence of the Lord and the power of the Spirit, our work, even if well organized, turns out to be ineffective.”

What perfect timing this article was! I was really feeling tired and a bit overwhelmed with a lot of things happening in my life lately.. worries with service in SFC… MV and my family…plus the planning for my wedding has officially started.  I needed some kind of “punch” to the face to wake me up from this uneasy feeling of worry.  Then this article came and it was something that my heart really needed.  A whisper came to me… “Do you believe in me?” and I knew it was the Lord telling me not to worry.  I cannot thank the Lord for telling me not to worry.

What struck me the most was that I have heard this many times over and over but even for the umpteenth time it was again the Lord reminding me that God needed to be my reason and that he has absolutely got my back.

Thank you Lord for being with me and for not giving up on me.

I was recently blessed with the an opportunity to hangout with a brother and we decided to make frozen custard with a new ice cream machine their family purchased… And it didn’t taste bad lol. The taste was there but the consistency of it was not what was expected. In our attempt, I remember how much effort we had to exert to make it the best frozen custard we can make. We tried fairly hard even though it was the easiest recipe to make on the recipe list. We had all the proper ingredients, utensils, measured everything down to the teaspoon, and followed the instructions exactly as written up to the churning point (haha). When it came to churning the mixture, we even churned it a bit longer to make sure it was all goooooood to goooo. When I saw the final product, I was kinda confused and thought “that does not look like ice cream.” But it did taste good. We decided to let it freeze in the freezer, but even after it didn’t look the way we thought it should look.

The entire story reminds me of how the Lord created me. I know I’m not God but I know for sure he created me intricately, unique and with so much love. It boggles my mind knowing that we tried so hard to make ice cream from a simple recipe and could not do it properly, yet God creates a human being every day perfectly.

“I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.  Wonderful are your works; that I know very well” Psalm 134:14

He really is great and unfathomable. It brings me great joy knowing that He has invested more than I can imagine into creating each human being. I, along with everyone else is wonderfully made. It teaches me that each human being is delicate and worth something. I think something wonderfully made by God the Father means something dear to him. Something worth loving and even dying for. And the God-Man has affirmed me of that by  seeing past my sinfulness and shame to see His beloved and accepting death for me on the cross. And it got me thinking more, do I see the beloved in God’s beloved? Do I love the poor, the rich, my family, non-believers, or His persecutors? If I do not see every person as Christ sees them, His beloved, then how can I say that I love God when my real love for Him is reflected in the way I love everyone.

Mother, show me how to see as you see Christ. Show me how to love as you loved Christ

Totus tuus

As I was on my way home from work there was a woman on the skytrain asking anyone if they had a cellphone she could borrow. She wanted to call her son letting him know that she was close to the skytrain station he was suppose to pick her up at. No one responded or gave her reasons why she couldn’t use their phones.

I was too quick to judge her. My first impression of her was that I assumed she did drugs or was an alcoholic. She then came to me asking to use my phone and I slowly dropped it to my side from my lap. As I did that I thought to myself “what good will it do if I lie to her and make an excuse up?”

I told her I did but asked if it was okay if I dialled and spoke to her son letting him know where she was. She agreed to it eagerly and gratefully. After I got off the phone with her son she insisted to pay me for calling but I immediately refused. As I got off the skytrain I told her to have a good night and to get home safely. She thanked me again.

Usually, I would avoid people who ask for things especially personal items but for some reason I thought about it and when I’m in need does God avoid me and turn away?

No.

God serves without any judgement, freely gives, and loves to all those who are in need. God reminds me that I need to serve in the same manner regardless of my insecurity or discomfort. He has given me so much.. Why do I give to those who I already know and love but limit myself to people I just met or don’t even know.

I’m reminded that I must give myself without any limitations but an endless amount of love. Random acts of kindness with love.

“In this life we cannot do great things, we can only do small things with great love.” – Blessed Mother Teresa

Benedictus Deus in Saecula

I was looking through some photos on Facebook of an SFC Pre-Conference that happened in Montreal this past weekend. As I was looking through the photos I came across a photo of myself receiving an award at the end of the conference.

 

As I looked at this picture I had a profound moment. I realized that I have never seen myself so happy, so full of joy. You might think that I’m going crazy for making such a big deal out of this but maybe I am. Crazy for the Lord.

There was a point in my life where I never would have thought such an expression on my face would even be possible. Now even the smallest things can bring about such an expression. How is this possible? It’s not but truly with the Lord anything is possible.

The Lord is truly good, He is the one that brings me joy, the one that allows me to be more human as each day passes. There is nothing but gratefulness in my heart because of what the Lord has done for me. Praise God.

Lord, please allow me to be even more crazy for you today as I was yesterday. To smile, to laugh, and to live in your Joy. Amen.

 

A couple of days from now  (June 04) is the first year death anniversary of my aunt. I can’t believe that it has been a year now. At exactly around this time last year, I was on my way to the Philippines to see my aunt that raised me up for 16 years. During those times, my heart was so troubled. I felt fear, anxiety, and sadness because the person that I cared the most is fighting for her life.

When she passed away, I was told to be strong for her, for my family, and everyone else around me. That’s what everyone kept telling me. To be honest, it was one of the hardest things to do. I remember there were times that because I needed to be strong for them, i couldn’t even cry even though I wanted to. I needed to always have a smile on my face and be the one telling everyone “Don’t worry, she’s in good hands now.” I wanted to let the pain out, but I couldn’t. I felt cheated because I couldn’t express what I feel while everyone else around me can. The burden that I was carrying was getting heavier every single day. I thought I wouldn’t be able to handle it, until one day, this verse caught my attention:

“Even though I walk through the valley of shadow of death, I fear no evil for You are with me.” – Psalm 23:4

This was the verse that’s engraved on her gravestone. I was reminded of one thing, to trust in Him; to put my full faith in Him; that everything that happened has a reason. It may be difficult but He is with us.

Reflecting on these things that happened last year, I realized one thing, when we ask for things, we truly are tested on it. I remember in the beginning of 2013, I asked the Lord one thing: to have stronger faith in Him. Little did I know that I would be tested on it. This experience brought me down that I had nothing but my faith in Him. Because I didn’t know how to handle the pain and get back up, I was able to fully surrender everything in Him and trust in Him that eventually everything’s going to be okay.

It’s been almost a year now and I know that the wound that was caused by her death’s not fully healed yet. I’m not regretting anything that happened because through it I was able to hold to His hand again and was able to fully trust in Him again. Although a door closed, few more doors opened in my life. Praise God that He allowed me to experience this.

One thing that I learned from this incident is that we don’t need to experience such things in order to realize that we should fully put our trust in Him. He has a plan and reason for everything. Sometimes, things don’t go our way because His plans are greater than our plans. We may experience hurts and struggles but most of the time, He is just testing us. Sometimes, we need to fall in order to come back up again. In fact, Jesus died in order to be resurrected. Jesus suffered in order for God’s plan to be fulfilled.

Praise God for struggles for it’s through them that we are made stronger. It is through them that we learn to open our hearts and lives to Christ.

Lord, allow us to fully put our trust in You. Let our words be our words. Let our actions be our actions. Allow us to be not afraid of what’s to come because we know that You are there with us. Amen.

A little boy, maybe around the age of four, sat next to me. We both sat still as we adored Jesus Christ in His tiny house of gold.

A little while, another boy that looked like he was 6, entered the room. He put his hand on his brother’s shoulder, gestured for him to stand and move forward. The older one said, “We are going to pray, okay?” Obediently, the little one nodded as they both knelt. There I was, with a smile on my face and hope in my heart, praised the Lord in all His wonder and glory.

Two little girls, with flowery dresses and braided hair, ran past me. They stopped as they reached the end of the pews where the stoup was. The older girl dipped her fingers and did the sign of the cross. She then turned to her little sister and said, “It’s your turn.” Obediently, the little one did the same. There I was, with a smile on my face and hope in my heart, praised the Lord in all His wonder and glory.

“And these words which I command you this day shall be upon your heart; and you shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise.” – Deuteronomy 6:6-7

It made me smile because my heart rejoiced in the beauty that I witnessed. The simplicity and innocence of little children, evangelizing to their younger siblings, is a characteristic that I must have. It made me smile because it reminded me of the people I have in my life who live lives of prayer and who evangelize simply by living in the truth, goodness and beauty of God.

It filled my heart with hope for the future and hope in my mission. God’s love is forever, God’s love cannot be unknown. Even little children kneel down before Him. I am called to continue the mission He gave the apostles. The Lord has loved me so much and I wish to share my life only to draw people to the One who moves me. Whatever vocation the Lord calls me to, I am called to live in such a way that is pleasing to Him.

Mother Mary, I ask for your prayers to be made worthy of the promises of Christ.  Amen.