Whenever I wake up late, don’t plan my day wisely, or just do something that isn’t important, I lose an opportunity to love Christ. I miss out on moments, seconds, and hours from sharing God’s love with others. I hinder myself from moving forward when I don’t open my life and my schedule to the Holy Spirit to lead me.
God always asks me, “Kleah do you love me?” When I fail to use my time purposefully, I’m essentially telling God, “No, I don’t love you.” This is where the guilt comes in and from: a tension builds when the heart knows it is responding in opposition to its purpose of accepting and loving God. When I accidentally subconsciously say that I don’t love God, I am denying who God is and reject His absolute importance in my life. I reduce God’s existence only to when He’s convenient.
I can make excuses and say that I need the rest… that I need to just do nothing, so that I can get away from my responsibilities. I can say a bunch of things; I could even try to run away, but I know that there’s something in me that’s not right if I’m avoiding what God wants me to do. It could be my anxiety kicking in again, but I’m not sure.
I’ll be honest and say that I’m not as in tune with the state of my heart as I thought I was. While I think that I’m great and that I’m happy, I still get moments of temptation, sadness, and doubt — none of which are indicators of peace. Whatever it is that is bothering me, I know that when I don’t give God the opportunity to shine light onto my darkness, I’ll never really know how my heart really is and I won’t know what my issue is either.
Maybe this has nothing to do with my heart, and could possibly just be the inclination to sin because I’m human but there is definitely something stopping me from doing what I’m called. There is a lack of self-control in me to do more good. I’m not giving God the permission to overcome what’s hindering me.
I believe I’m trying to do everything that I can in my various services to God, but by not welcoming God into my life more leaves me at a great disadvantage from doing everything that is possible.
To truly love someone requires action. By being lazy or wasting time only shows a lack of action, thus a lack of love. In giving my time to Christ, I am allowing Him to work in me. And when I allow Him to work in me, to possess all of me, I can begin to love more like Him and not feel guilt or regret. So when I give God my time, which is and was always His to begin with, I pray that I remember that I’m responding with “Yes Lord, I do love you. Now help me show You that I do.”
So what am I supposed to do now?
Time and time again I’m reminded to draw near to God and He will draw near to me. If I but seek Him in prayer, in the Sacraments, and in my own heart as I see the face of Christ in myself and others, I know I will be able to break my bad habit of not using my time wisely. I’ve begun to schedule my life more and started to plan. I’m thankful for the MV Program because I can see all of my plans laid out onto a calendar. Whenever I put events into my agenda while in school, it would be complete for maybe the first two months of the semester. There was never any consistency. But being “forced” to complete my calendar is really helping me schedule events, even unexpected ones.
I’m also thankful for my older sister who showed me her long list of things To-Do and events To-Go-To on her Notes app on her iPhone. I’ve begun to follow her example and have many things to do and events to attend to. It feels awesome to delete things off of my list haha. A sense of accomplishment dwells.
I know I haven’t completely gotten rid of my bad habit of wasting time and sleeping too much or too late, but I know that if I draw near to God, He will continue to draw near to me and help me.
Lord, may everything I do be for your greater glory. May I consistently invite you to remind me to respond to You, “Yes Lord, I do love You. Now help me show You that I do.” Amen.
