Often times I don’t consider myself as others may perceive. They say that I love outside of myself, that I’m passionate about service, and that I’m brave and unafraid. But I don’t see that at all. What I often see is someone who fails to love. Someone who does what they can, when they can. Someone whose life verse is “Fear not for I am with you always” because I’m often afraid. I am someone who constantly thinks that I’m not giving enough, doing enough, and loving enough in all aspects of my life because I don’t possess particular characteristics that people say that I have 100% of the time. Because the truth is, amongst a lot more sins, I can be lazy, selfish, not confident, and very impatient at times.
This is why I found it difficult these past couple of weeks to say yes to taking on extra service for RYC because I thought that I wasn’t fit for what was asked of me. I sincerely didn’t think I was capable of leading a workshop because one of the activities was something I had no skills or experience in, and I thought that people in Mountain would be tired of hearing me share about my life again since I shared at Liveloud and at the previous RYC. There were a lot of worries cluttering my mind, causing me to doubt that I was anointed and called by God. My Area CCs, my counterpart, and my ate were all witnesses to this when I told them how I felt.
I never thought that I was someone who would ever doubt the Lord, especially after all the good things He has done in my life. I even told my household at one of our households that doubt wasn’t my issue; it’s forgetting that God is present. But I realize more deeply now that I am doubting God when I fail to see the presence of God in me, especially when I question if I’m really called to do a particular service.
As RYC draws near in the Mountain Region, it makes sense to me that I have discovered my doubting story. Although it does not precisely mirror that of St. Thomas the Apostle, I’m glad that I’ve found some little way to relate to this saint as his own doubting story led him to do great things for God in various parts of the world. I can only hope to do what God wants of me in my own life, beginning with this RYC.
During this RYC and further on in my life, I pray that I may see God in me and understand fully that yes, I am imperfect and other people definitely could do the service I was asked to do. Regardless of what other people could have done and what other things would have happened, the most important thing to address is that God is present and alive in me, and He calls upon the least expected people to do His work and He empowers them with the Holy Spirit. I have never doubted the service I was asked to do until these past couple of weeks and so this quote, “God doesn’t call the equipped, but equips the called” has a fuller meaning to me now. I pray that I may believe that God is not only alive, but He is alive in me at all times, even when I doubt myself. May I believe that whenever I am asked to serve, that I may not hesitate to believe that is God who calling me by name. Amen.
Ad majorem Dei gloriam.
St. Thomas the Apostle, pray for us.
