At last year’s TNC when they announced that the next Western Region conference was going to be held in Southern California, I was so excited that I made it a point to go. For months I deliberately said no to things I would typically buy so that I could save up for conference. It was hard for me, but I was actually doing quite well. I was saying no to materialistic items, but mostly to experiences, particularly concerts, which I grew to be very fond of going to. All in all, I was really focused on ensuring that I was doing all that I could so I could pay for conference.
But then in March (maybe?) my family said we were going on a trip to Europe, and when I heard this, of course I was excited to go to Europe with them — it was going to my first time there! — but I couldn’t help but feel a bit disappointed that my efforts in saving for California were going to towards a different trip that I wasn’t planning on going to.
So while I was on my trip in Europe, which was a tremendous blessing of its own, the deadline for the WNAC was approaching and Ate Evony would ask the core group who was going. For some reason, I couldn’t find it in me to say “no, I’m not going” because I still really wanted to go even though I knew my bank account was proving otherwise.
I came back from my trip and went straight to SHOUT as I missed the first day. There at SHOUT, my CC’s and CP approached me at two different instances and asked me if I wanted to go to conference. My CC’s explained to me that they asked CFC to reallocate the budget that was supposed to go to them for conference to go towards the area heads because they were unable to attend. (For me, everything just sort of became slow and hazy haha, like that in the movies except I wasn’t overcome by harmful substances.)
But honestly, while they were sharing this information, I’m subconsciously thinking with great excitement, “WHAT IS GOING ON? AM I ACTUALLY GOING TO BE ABLE TO GO TO CONFERENCE?” I’m not showing it outwardly because I still felt distant with everything (read previous blog post), but it boggles my mind that God is incredibly providential, that He continues to give and give without delay.
I gave a resounding yes to going but I had my doubts because I felt this sense of guilt that I was going and others weren’t. So I said, ‘Let’s do an echo con and bring it back home.” But then they mentioned that there was no time for an echo con this summer. This hit me and so throughout the day I kept thinking, “I can’t go to this conference when other youth could go and experience it. I’m just serving. This is their pastoral. I’m still going to the SFC conference for my pastoral. I really don’t need to go to this one.”
That night I thought and prayed about it. The following day I approached my CCs and said that I felt like another youth should go instead of me, but they went onto say that the youth had to be over 18 years old and that they already requested to CFC that the area heads were going to go specifically. At this moment I still felt like I wasn’t supposed to go to this conference.
But then, like a sharp sword, I heard what I needed to hear in one of the sessions. In his talk, Kuya Anton mentioned that we should believe in our own anointing and in the anointing of others. And this just reminded me of what I had been struggling with for the past few months — the question of “Why me? Why am I chosen to be here? Why not somebody else, who could be doing it better than me?”
For months I kept asking myself this question, but I realized that I had very little intention of discovering the answer. But these questions soon started to formulate other one, “if God is calling me to serve in this community, why do I give Him such little faith and such little space in my heart? Am I afraid that I’m called to be here? Am I afraid that I’m not?”
And so, this brings me to today. I believe that yes, this WNAC may not be my pastoral, but this is an opportunity for me to serve God and to really allow God to speak to me and maybe give me an answer as to where He is calling me to serve Him.
It’s sort of funny, but I’m only in my fifth month as an MV and it’s already hard. The assignments are fun and not too bad, but the spiritual side to it all is actually quite intense. Before I was in the MV Program, I didn’t have second thoughts or any sort of issues in believing in my anointing, but now it’s gotten really difficult for me. To be honest, I don’t know if it’s the devil tempting me, or if it’s God who’s telling me that it’s time to move on, but I’m still holding onto the belief that there is a reason why God has instilled this desire of FTPW in my heart. And I’m going to keep fighting until I really know. Like I said, I’m only in my fifth month. It doesn’t make sense to give up now.
God bless. <3
