I’ve been asked over and over again, what is something I personally struggle with most in mission and in general. Typically I would say my laziness. There are times where I procrastinate and times when I know things could have been done or handled better if I only gave a little more effort.
To my surprise in response to that I’ve been told that I don’t seem all that lazy for people have seen the way I work. I’ve been affirmed of how much time, effort and hard work I put into things, and how much I go out of my way at times which others don’t understand why. I don’t do it for recognition, I don’t do it for rewards and I don’t even get paid for a lot of the things I do. Yet whenever people question why I continue to serve in community I get a sense of urgency to tell them all the reasons why and it always leads back to a personal encounter with Christ!
And so I think to myself, why then, do I not move with more urgency or do more to the best of my abilities at times? I summed it up to laziness because I didn’t know how else to describe it. But after spending months thinking about it I had a realization that came to me. It hit me after coming back from my most recent mission trip to the Atlantic. After coming back I felt a bit renewed and hopeful, sort of like the Lord had allowed me to see what the next immediate steps I can take are. Yet despite having this zeal to put things into action and hit the ground running with new ideas for here in the GTA, there was something that was holding me back and slowing me down. To be lazy is to be unwilling to do work or use energy. I was motivated and willing, and I had the energy, but it seemed like it was quickly drained whenever I start to make progress.
First I’ll tell you what happened while I was in the Atlantic. My phone reached its absolute maximum of storage space to the point where all my apps and the phone itself was malfunctioning. I didn’t get time to clear my SD cards for my camera and I realized there were very important family milestone photos on the cards I couldn’t just simply delete. But what do I do? I was already out on mission, with limited space on my laptop and no external hard drives. One of the things I was entrusted to do on the trip was to document it. I felt like I was in a tight corner. Every time I took a photo or video I prayed I had enough space for just one more shot. I cleared as much as possible, dumping what I could onto my laptop. there were a few times I delete a video or two hoping I wouldn’t actually need it. It’s like using a bucket to dump water out of a small boat every time a wave hits during rough waters. It’s manageable if you just keep going, but it can get a bit overwhelming after a while.
So then why not just back up photos onto google drive or the cloud? Or just post them, delete it all and move on? Well I tried to start posting things on Facebook so I can clear my phone. But then I would look at some of the photos and instantly critique them noting how washed out and faded the colours were, or how blurry it was or how the framing could be better. In a sense a small part of OCD kicked in. As much as I wanted to ignore it, move on and say, who cares it’s better to have something than nothing, I couldn’t. For the past 8 years I’ve been continually studying photography, cinematography and learning to critique things since high school and all throughout university, so I couldn’t just let it go. If I post something, I am projecting my perspective to the world, I am putting a bit of myself out there. How I present myself affects the way people see me. And I suppose if I know I could do something better or personally think something is not good enough, then I don’t post it.
Even though I know that’s not the right way to go about living life, constantly critiquing and trying to put a rose-coloured filter over my social media, I still do. Trust me when I say I wish I could be more perfectly candid in everything. But truth be told, I still get scared of fitting into the secular world. I fear humiliation, I fear being wrong, I fear being judged, I fear not being good enough, I fear not being accepted or not having a sense of belonging. When it comes to photos and videos, or really anything art related, I fear I have no talent or skills. Perhaps more than anything that’s one of my greatest fears because I love art so much. As much as I tried to go towards the sciences in school I gravitated to art in high school and I graduated university with a Bachelors in Fine Arts. So for me, I feel a certain pressure to be good in my art work, and in an ever evolving digital world to present well, a good social media portfolio.
But not only that, fear has seeped into many aspects of my life. I haven’t blogged in a while. It’s not because I don’t know what to write about or have nothing to say, trust me I always have something to say. In fact I constantly have new ideas and topics to write about. I even have a handful of blogs already written and drafted but not posted. Why? Because I fear that I am not credible enough; I am not an expert in everything… I am not an expert in anything, really. I fear being judged on my writing skills. I’m sure you can find at least a dozen punctuation and grammatical errors in this post alone. Even if I ignore all that, I fear being judged on my opinions and views.
I wish I didn’t care much about what others think about me, but at times I do. And to a point where it cripples me, where I don’t push through with what I know I should do. I hesitate, stop and procrastinate and tell myself I will continue when the heavy cloud of self-doubt lifts and I feel better. But it doesn’t get better, not unless you do something about it. My fear is like an illness, I could sit back and let it consume me and keep me down and not functioning to the best of my abilities. Or I can go to the doctor and get some medicine, seek help.
If fear is the illness, then trust is the cure.
This whole entire year for me personally has been about growing in trust with the Lord. It’s not easy. Just as I thought I was starting to know how to trust, I realize how far away I actually am to completely letting go of everything and trusting the Lord. If I trust in the Lord, I shouldn’t hesitate to act upon the ideas and desires He places within me. No I am not perfect and I may do things with good intentions but could be completely wrong in what and how the Lord wants me to go about them. But I shouldn’t let the fear of failure stop me from trying in the first place. I think it’s better to try and fail for the sake of the Lord, than to sit by idly and do nothing.
It’s like the Parable of the Bags of Gold, also known as the parable of talents, from the gospel of Matthew 25:14-30. A master leaves three servants with bags of gold, the first servant he leaves 5 bags, the second servant he leaves 2 bags and the third servant he leaves with 1 bag. The first two went out and doubled their bags of gold by “putting his money to work,” whereas the third servant hid the bag of gold in the ground until the master returned. When asked about it, the third servant said he didn’t do anything with it because he didn’t want to risk losing any of the master’s money. But the master replied, you could have at least put it in the bank to accumulate interest. The master was upset that the servant literally did nothing at all with what the master had given.
If I let my fears control me and keep me from doing things, then I too am like the third servant simply hiding and doing nothing with what God has given me. Or I can be like the first two servants and simply do what I know best with what God has given me and hope it is favorable to God. Even if I were to invest and lose out, so to speak, God would be happy that I at least tried to do well on His behalf.
Finally, one of the things that actually help me to realize my state of funk which is more-so driven by fear rather than laziness alone, was a song. The song, “Fear Is A Liar” by Zach Williams, is what comforted me and gave me the courage to push on despite all my fears.
When he told you you’re not right.
When he told you you’re not strong enough,
To put up a good fight.
When he told you you’re not worthy.
When he told you you’re not loved.
When he told you you’re not beautiful,
That you’ll never be enough.
He will take your breath,
Stop you in your steps.
Fear, he is a liar.
He will rob your rest,
Steal your happiness.
Cast your fear in the fire,
‘Cause fear he is a liar.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1srs1YoTVzs
The way this particular song popped into my head when I needed it the most, no doubt that was my guardian angel looking out for me. I’d like to give a special shout-out to my guardian angel who helps me to remember and recall things when I need moral inspiration the most. Especially since today is the feast day of Guardian Angels, I acknowledge that there’s no way I navigate through my difficulties on my own. In the moments where I struggle with procrastination due to fear or times when I don’t know the answers or what to do, I sometimes hear a voice in my head that encourages me to keep pushing and moving forward. (Mind you the voice in my head sounds a lot like my own voice). I get the feeling that whenever I argue with myself, especially when dealing with moral situations, that I’m actually arguing with my guardian angel who is at my side to light, guard, rule and guide. Amen.