I can never be still. Being still to me is as unnatural as breathing under water. I just can’t do it without much struggle. Being unemployed for the past 3-4 weeks now has driven me completely insane. I thrived when I had a routine, some sort of schedule to follow.
My body has clued in to my open schedule and is claiming post-university sleep coupons. I get more than the usual 8hrs of sleep and as relaxing as this should be, I find myself more restless and agitated than usual. The uncertainty of where my future lies scares me so much. I keep thinking about where I’m going, in what direction I’m heading to, and how I’m getting there. My heart has been all over the place and I’ve been desperate for some sort of comfort.
At 4am yesterday (or this morning, rather) I ended up eating everything in sight. I ate Seaweed Pringles. I had three generous servings of Pistachio Ice cream and four big bites of double chocolate chip brownies.
Still nothing. My heart was still restless.
Then I came across my Words of Comfort for Everyday Book. Luckily I found it just before attending mass. I knelt down before the Lord, and this was the message:
God knows how to take care of us, but half the time we don’t let him. Our pride gets in the way and we don’t ask the one thing we should every time our anxieties or worries kick in, “Father, help me help myself.” I can just picture God waiting patiently for a child talking to herself, making sense of the picture she just drew. “I want to draw this, but I just can’t!!!”
Oh the frustration.
But that’s what He does.
He just waits for us to get tired, and finally sit still.
White flags raised.
And I guess I didn’t completely raise my white flag until fifteen minutes ago. A line ran through my head, and my fingers flipped and skimmed through my bible until I found this:
Okay God, you win.
Thanks for the comfort food.
